Hello everyone,

  I'm so very sorry … I feel horrible doing this, but I have no choice. You see, I have published my first book on Amazon/Kindle! This piece (and many others) had to be taken down because they do not allow published material to be available online for free. (Go figure) I wanted to leave the shell of the posts because I felt compelled to leave all your helpful and loving comments. (Silly sentimental, I know), but I also didn't want to just have the pieces disappear without an explanation. I feel bad enough as it is!

  I owe ALL of you so, SO much for all of your reads, love, and support. It was YOU that gave me the gumption to FINALLY get off my **** and publish! Thank you all for the warm comments, camaraderie, and encouragement! I will still be here, reading, uploading and just being the Rascal that I am. How could I EVER leave you guys?

  The book is called “The Way I See It – FictionPhilosophySoul Food” and it will be FREE for the first few days on Kindle Select, so watch for it, if you are interested. I hope that you go and grab it. If you do, I would also hope that you find it worthy, you would leave me a good review. That will help me get in the public eye! Soon afterward (2-3 days or so), it will be available in paperback.

Find the book(s) here: www.amazon.com/author/jeff.gaines

Or find the book(s), and all about me, here: www.JeffGaines.world

  Soon after, I also hope to have my first novel (a supernatural thriller), called “Wanderer” available as well!

  Wish me luck!

                                Big, Biggest Love,

                                               Jeff Gaines

I'm alright
Not 100% better
But i feel somewhat better
Like im on a sugar high of emotions
Compared to my moody past

I have the energy to clean my room
My room was filled with trash
And my demons
It was so messy, so i cleaned it
There are still a few demons lurking but its alright

I have the energy to stay awake
I used to want to crawl back to bed
Well, i still do
But less than i used to
I actually want to get up and do things

I have the want to do things
I didn't before
Except the occasional poem or drawing
I didn't want to work, but i had to
I didn't want to smile, but i forced myself too

I have the want to smile
I'm smiling as i write this
I want to dance, i want to sing
I want to be alive
For the first time in a long time

I'm finally okay enough to say
"I'm okay"
and actually mean it

i am sorry
for the bruises under your eyes
i'd say i wish they were mine
but we wear the same sleepless wounds
pretending all is fine;
there's blood in your mouth,
your tongue tastes like copper
it's like kissing pennies
but far, far softer.

i am sorry
this is not the life you were promised,
baby eyes wide with wonder
as your mother's words tried for honest;
i wonder if she knew
what the world would bring unto you,
the things your father would do,
the ways his friend would ruin you
all the wasted love
and all the terrible tears
looking at the sky above,
empty bottles counting the years

what happened?
what happened to the sun being bright and beautiful?
when it kissed my shoulders while i ran with my mates
around the playground.

what happened to the times where protection meant wearing a helment?
when i didn't need worry about being a female,
being catcalled or molested.

where my only care in the world was being first in a race to the
school line.

what happened to the times where i could eat and not worry about the calories i'm eating?
what happened to not caring about still being able to fit a fist between my thigh gap.

why did i have to grow up?
i've lost my child-likeness.
my innocence left after i hit puberty.

society says you can't be sad.
s a d.
s
  a
    d
   a
s.

what happened to being able to cry and not judged.

what happened to the times where i actually wanted to live?
see to world.

what happened to me?