I've got to move far away,
This dreadful town has me in tears,
A new sunset to appreciate every night,
Holding me down with an existential weight.

There's no telling that I'd do, friend,
To pack my bags and *******,
Against everyone's wishes,
I'm a failure to touch or view.

Its selfish to ask for help,
And I'd be begging to be killed,
Without it.

Give me a sign,
from the love of nobody's life,
I'll sign my life away to the metal,
Rind my teeth against bones,
Just to feel justified in my selfishness.

Don't ******* help me,
I'll do it all on my own,
Just get drunk, smoke some ****,
Burrow deeper into the molten hot sand.

Maybe I'll write a story about how I learned to survive,
Then reflect back on myself to see that I've still died.
I'm still figuring out how to die.
Figuring out if I can die.

Cause it's all futile,
To ask for help, I'd be a manipulator,
And if I called home,
Would anyone answer and take me seriously?

am i
in love

is this
what love
feels like

euphoric highs
suicidal lows

suffering withdrawal
anguish

craving you
like a drug

when you
are gone

elated
calm

only
when you’re here

and i’m in your arms

She climbed the ladder of the apartment buildings
Went through the ***** window she left open of the small, empty, dark room
Yes, she’s been here before
Atleast 8 hours ago actually
She sunk to the floor and passed out because of her hunger

She awoke the next morning where she collapsed
Her once beautiful, long, brown hair was a matted mess
She picked herself off the floor (if only she could do the same with her life at 17)
Brushed off her sweatshirt, adjusted her worn out jeans, and went out down the ladder and was off to work again
She dug wells, and cut trees like a pro for the only reward people would give her
Their scraps
And maybe a penny

No, she was no drug addict, psychopath, or creep
She was simply an orphaned child at age 7
Who started working for food, and found an abandoned room to live in
She’s done the same thing for years
Work, starve, eat scraps, and maybe sleep
On, and on

To collapse and freeze in an alley on her way home in the middle of a blizzard
Her last thought was her mother's warm hugs
Her last words:
“I’m coming mama.”

This poor girls life is tragic
For depression was her muse

~
I love you so much Sammy…It’s not your fault
I wish I could’ve saved you...

I can’t stop shaking.
Everything hurts- emotionally.
And I can’t stop shaking.
I want to scream,
Or hurt physically,
Or something to just externalize my pain.
But I can’t,
So I sit here and shake.

Hold me like you used to do,
Let my thoughts run free to the moon,
      Let my arteries burn in lustful flame,
             Let me fall in love all over tonight,
for endless are my sorrows,
  so endless my miseries,
        I'm scared. . .
          so let me experience . . . love. . .
                at least for tonight.

The only thing on my mind
Is how badly I want
To run a blade across my wrist
And feel an outer hurt
Because I’m tired of the within

I hit rock bottom again,
  living in my own fiery hell inferno.
Before I coped with the pain,
  or maybe now I float between reality and fantasy,  
     just enough to feel this pain , burning.
My suffering , love lost was external,
    so why is it internal?
I hit rock bottom again,
but this time I am not coping,
    I am b̶u̶r̶n̶i̶n̶g̶.

I suppose I should be happy,
My God gave me a blessing by taking away my blessing,
The blessing I was so confused about.
My dear, my precious Firdous.

I suppose I must be happy,
Every inch of my brain is telling me to be happy,
But why is there a ringing in my ears;
And so much weight on my chest,
It's so **** aggravating.

I suppose I could be happy, except that I;
I demand silence,
I demand peace,
I demand anything but to feel like this-
Worthless, insignificant, trash.

I suppose I am happy,
To be the puppet of a universe filled with
So much standard anomalies...
That the universe did not curse me to ****** my own kin...
that I didn't curse my precious with a life...

Oh the little things we tell ourselves to make it easier to live for another day,
Oh but I suppose, I suppose its necessary.
It's **** necessary.

Goodbye my precious. ♡

-fir.m