it felt so wrong

but she simply had to exist

feelings were all over the place

disaster struck 

simply denying was not enough

all she did was smile

which sent

hearts racing

it felt so wrong

depriving

sick

twisted

she didn't notice

it felt right

(that's a lie)

you can't fall in love with a corpse

so you breathe life into a blank skull

one full of wonder and sunshine light

placed delicately upon shoulders

that have mastered every pain

the arms come next

chiseled and carved with attention

soon after follows the chest and torso

which were crafted with care and restrain

legs are after this heinous track

built tall and long and with no regret

the taste of being in love

will follow there sometime

don't get too close

i could just run away from the feelings

stuffed in a ***** little bottle

however the actions of others are not determined my the restless beating of my heart.



first went the girl with the long blonde hair

guns and helicopters and doctors' appointments

her backpack was passed around, making it lighter when it returned.



the tall boy opened his mouth next

tumors and legs and feeling alone

his package, too, was passed around for a lighter carry.



the girl with the round glasses looked up

police and fathers and lost purity

everyone took from her heavy bag to loosen the load.



the thin boy with the cuts spoke too

custody and friends and playdates

his luggage was considerably lighter by the time it came back.



the short girl with the large jacket decided to go

voices and death and silence

her satchel was not as full when it was placed back in her trembling hands.



finally, words jumbled at my lips

toxicity. guilt. shame. 

i couldn't hold back, my pack was too heavy

anxiety. fear. dread.

i had to take some weight off of me

anger. rage. hurt.



i opened my eyes, expecting pools of disgust on their faces

instead i see i thousand, shattered, mirrors staring back at me.

the mouse started off like any ordinary mouse

annoying, small, and persistent.

the nymph tried to take good care of him, and he was treasured to her.

the mouse came limping back to her, after his daily battle with the world

she nursed him back to health

as the nymph cared more for the little mouse, she spurted out pellets of blood and flowers

the mouse tried to stop her

but it was too late.

the orange bottle was in my hands

translucent and daunting

taking the oblong shapes was however vital

swallowing each pill one by one

left a burning taste in my throat

peering through my wired frames

death blew me over like a candle flame

through the glass window

all i see is your back

is there any chance?

or am i just fancying ideas in my head?

simple words is all they were

they didn't need to be more

yet i wanted more

i wanted you to love me

i wanted you to push aside 

the facts, the cold truth

that you don't even know me

but i know you

i see through your facade 

i want you

the real you without a mask 

we can't all get what we want

i was only taught one way

walking a straight line

the dance felt right but only halfway

i never understood why

hiding in repulsion

at what i might be

i didn't want to walk in circles

i preferred my simple dance

ignoring my feelings came rather sudden

i didn't understand at all

trying different sorts of line dances

somehow didnt feel right

i found one right in the middle

didn't join until now

full of shame at how depraved i was

for me to want to be in a different dance

would all my friends be in question

would my parents look at me in withering disappointment

too late

i stepped in

i can talk to the sun, did you know?

he tells me about his day

and each time i walk home, i take a pouch of his light

as a gift of my kindness



this careful young girl walked home 

a spring in my step

then my vision suddenly spots

a sad rain cloud looking at me



frightened and worried she looks

anxious and tactful i am

i pour her the warm sunshine

the contents of my pouch emptied



pipper and bright the cloud looks

she is happy and joyful

her rain has disappeared

she rushes off to join her fluffy friends



i decide to walk home

the spring gone from my step

this careful girl stares into a mirror of time

i will wait for tomorrow's routine

you're not quite the thing in the storybook

i would say quite more beautiful

but you, however much

i blame you

i know hope festered because of me

you opened a door that's been shut too many times

and i let you in

how could i be so utterly foolish?

i'm a monster.

she radiates in a glowing light

sunshine and flower crowns

warm with an able hug

she is the cool wind breeze of spring

the ocean lapping at her feet

fluffy frozen snow is what she is

snowball fights and linking arms

am i sick?

to notice this about her

twisted and utterly horrible

i wish she could just share her warmth with me

so i could feel like a rainbow

shiny and new

but i'm just the long, dark, dirt road

bitter and full of longing

her light is at the end of my path

sweet and savory

ponytails, flannels, blankets, books, braids

my heart can't take the restless pounding

she tastes like cranberries and chocolate cake

i taste of nothing

i am nothing

she is everything

caramel

a steady mix

the color of a gentle brown

not nearly as harsh as chocolate

sticky and childish, easy to make fun

the sugary smell is almost intoxicating

look at it for too long and it will no longer be soft