Yet another in my "Barry Hodges" series
O what a beautiful city is baroque and unspoiled Vilnius,
A veritable rose in the greyness of Eastern Europe,
And a centre of fierce Lithuanian pride and nationalism
Where loathing of Russia comes as part of the national tapestry,
Woven into the heart and soul of each true descendant of Gediminas:
"Tik geras rusų yra miręs rusų!"[note 1] my Litvak lady love would cry out
In moments of extreme and poetic ******* excitement,
As she farted tunefully through purple quilted haemorrhoids.
O dearest delightful Vilnius, where my obsessive adoration
Of this rather plump but still juicy middle-aged lady
Went unrequited when she was sober, despite the perpetual onslaught
Of my tenderly whispered syllables of love and lust,
Even when my mispronounced tirade of affirmations of desire
Rose to a pointless crescendo, wasted on the midnight hour,
As she shrieked: *"Lietuvių valytojoms yra geriausias pasaulyje!" [note 2],
In a desperate attempt to retain her composure post-******.
O how can I ever forget her egregiously insatiable ****** appetite or
Her immense cantilevered ***** whose glorious silhouette
I can still recall in the silvery moonlight shining through
The toilet window, as I peeped at her through the keyhole,
Watching her wipe between her gorgeous silken ****-cheeks,
With an improvised corner of the unfurled bathroom curtain,
Mysteriously muttering "Jei nėra silkių nereikia valgyti!" [note 3]
As she reviewed the remains of half-digested Cepelinai [note 4]
O woe! All is now finished and dear overweight Valerija is lost to me,
Having fallen drunkenly down an open manhole on Pilies one evening,
And I am left alone to wetly kiss the cryptic letter she left for me,
Staring sadly at the tear-stained smudged ink of her illiterate scrawls.
Yea, mate, her last words of warning and patriotic exhultation were:
"Jei jūsų kūdikis turi imbiero plaukus, mesti jį į upę!" [note 5]
Followed by "Valio už Lietuvos Vermachto karo didvyrių!" [note 6]
And I think they were probably the sanest things she ever said.
The following notes will assist the 99.99% of readers who don't speak any Lithuanian and who can't be arsed to google the phrases:
Note 1: "Tik geras rusų yra miręs rusų!" = "The only good Russian is a dead Russian!"
Note 2: "Lietuvių valytojoms yra geriausias pasaulyje!"= "Lithuanian charladies are the best in world!"
Note 3: "Jei nėra silkių nereikia valgyti!" = "If it's not a herring, just don't eat it!"
Note 4: Cepelinai or Zeppelins are potato dumplings (shaped like Zeppelin airships) stuffed with minced meat, and are Lithuania's national dish, apart from the ubiquitous herring of course. If you don't like herrings or potato dumplings, Lithuania is probably not going to be your favourite culinary destination.
Note 5: "Jei jūsų kūdikis turi imbiero plaukus, mesti jį į upę!" = "If your baby has ginger hair, throw him in the river!"
Note 6: "Valio už Lietuvos Vermachto karo didvyrių!" = "Hurrah for the Lithuanian Wehrmacht war heroes!"