Sometimes I forget what happiness is.
Is it a hug at the end of the day
Or paying the bills off right away?
Is it the feeling of rain when it's warm
Or a roof over my head while it storms?
Is it the arm around me while I sleep
Or the extra soft pillow upon which I weep?
Can it be both, or is it only one?
Is it practical or is it fun?
Can I afford to smile, even for a day?
What is happiness anyway?

Money calls me in and spits me out.
It helps me live then lets me down.
It takes the wheel, the tires squeal.
It finds me here, should I disappear?

I stand here, naked,
While you sit, fully clothed and comfortable.
I am cold and lonely, misunderstood and angry.
You are always cocky, happy to ignore me.
Forget it, no, I don't need anything.
Thanks for asking.
Maybe one day we will see eye to eye,
While I stand here, naked,
Afraid.

An anger so pure and deep
That it courses through you and rips open
Every sense of reality that you ever had
With insecurities so blatant and raw
That anyone can touch and feel the vulnerability inside
With cold, unfeeling hands
Molding the soft and warm mush within.

The monster lives inside you -
the beast of jealousy, self-doubt, anger turned toward your own skin.
A flash of disdain disarms you -
the pain of being doubted and disliked.
Charm and niceties distract you -
the temporary soothe of a kind gesture and word.
All the while the clock ticks.
Tick, tick, tick.
There is only so much time to dwell on the monster, disdain, and charm.
There is time left to live and love.
How will you spend your time?

I reach out to nothing,
Expecting something,
Something deep and beautiful,
Complex, hard to follow.

I reach out to nothing,
With a broken hand, weakened heart, and shattered soul,
Picking up the pieces as I go.

I reach out to nothing,
While it never reaches back.
Yet I keep on reaching.
I am hopeless like that.

Your electricity stretches from the heavens,
All the way down, down, deep into my core,
Penetrating all emptiness.
My heart stops and starts again.
A short-lived force of nature.

It is not greed,
The thirst for riches.
It is not lust,
The hunger for skin.
It is not wrath,
The delight in spilled blood.
It is not sloth, jealousy, gluttony, or pride.
It is simply evil,
Devoid of complexity,
Absent and empty.
It is all-encompassing, surrounding you, surrounding me,
In a cloud of poison, toxicity.

I am not alive;
There is death in my eyes.
There is no meaning in each step.
There is no soul in my breath.

I do not write solely for expression.
I write to be known and heard.
I write to be felt and feared.
I pour truth out like water and ask you to take a sip.
There is no shame.

There is death now, inside of me,
Silence and tranquility.

Tonight the life inside of me speaks,
Screams, cries, and tells a story.

A story of abuse and neglect,
Loneliness and lack of friendship.
Rejection.
ANGER. RAGE.
Many questions, such as,
HOW COULD YOU? WHO AM I?
WHAT DO I DO NOW?

So many questions left unanswered.
So many feelings left unattended.
A child is left to wonder and to hurt.
The adults are left to regret.
The criminals are left alone.

Self-esteem is ruined.
Life turns to death.
Death turns to freedom.

I shut you out,
With a false smile on my mouth.
I let you in,
Only enough to graze my skin.
I open the door,
Only to lay still upon the floor.
I wake up in my bed,
Only to gaze at the ceiling overhead.

It starts off small.
A nag, here or there.
Did you forget to do this,
Did you remember to do that?
It grazes the line.
Did you check and re-check?
Did you re-check again?
It grows larger.
How many times did you check?
Could you check once more?
Larger than you.
Did you double, triple, and quadruple check?
Did you do everything you could do?
Obsessive,
Cruel,
Demoralizing,
OCD.

Peace is a distant friend
That rarely calls
Never drops by for a coffee
Or a casual conversation.
Has Peace moved on,
Found a better friend?
While I sit here, bitter,
Affected,
Restless,
Unsure.
Peace, what can I do to bring you back?

Oh the ungrateful...
The lack of perspective,
Commitment to complaining,
Lack of compassion,
Allergic to compromise,
Unaware of their fortune,
Shining in a self-crafted crown.

Sensitive, soft,
Sweet, kind, giving,
Adorable, petite,
Young, naive, innocent.
That's what you see.
Your eyes create many illusions.

Your ordinary day is very different from mine
It is the kind of day that breaks into song
That smoothly blends from one scene to the next
With little complication or care to details
It is a day I could only dream of.
Though I rarely dream with this disease
This illness running through every vein
Turning my smiles into forced grins
The light in my eyes dulling
My hair and skin is tainted, touched by this sickness.
I wake up every morning, toxins flowing through me.
I wonder what it is like to have an ordinary day.

I crawl into bed, naked,
Leaving no excuse to leave.
My body melts into the sheets,
Every limb relaxing,
Every part of me letting go,
Except for my mind.
It races and demands my attention,
Like a child incessantly tugging at my sleeve.
I turn over and pull the blanket up.
Warmth envelopes my fears,
Engulfes my cares.
Still, my stubborn brain carries on.
I fight back with vivid fantasies of closing my heavy eyes.
A fight that I win, at least for tonight.
Goodnight body, goodnight mind.
Tomorrow is another day.

Life breathed into me
Its last breath
Leaving me empty and sullen
Unforgiving and cold
A murderous mind
Calculated moves
Dead, dark eyes.

I feel my dignity fall all around me
A light melody
Playing carelessly in my head
A chorus of voices,
In confusing, imperfect unison.
They are here to stay, at least for today.
It's the psychosis again. Sinking in.

The world may be dark and cold
But I am no stranger
Treated like an innocent,
When I am everything but.
I know how evil people can be,
Though I have seen acts of great good.
We have no way to predict
And must let go of this desire
To know and judge strangers.

Hold on to your pride.
Clutch it like a mask
On a diving, burning plane.
Only let go when you're alone,
Screaming as the altitude drops,
Cold reality seeping in around you.
Everything is falling, and you are mortal.
You will finish in the same place
As everyone else.
You will breathe your last breath
As everyone else.
You will have regrets and questions
As everyone else.
Get ready to come down here
With everyone else.

Sometimes I wish I could just hide from you,
You, who feels only the cold touch of fear,
You, who breathes in uncertainty.
You, who sees treachery, everywhere.
Cannot suspend belief, cannot find relief.
You, who is too adult to bear.
My patience for you is nowhere
To be found.

I dreamed it all okay,
That the cruel ones went away,
That kindness took the wheel,
Driving us to heal.

I sunk the darkness with my mind,
Left the monsters far behind.
With smiles and love leading the way -
A whole new world, a whole new day.

Rich
*****
Diamonds drip
Drip drip blood
Soaks the soles of your feet
Soul empty, silent defeat
Gold gleaming
As the shining star that you are.

My world was a gray place
An expressionless face
Where black and white people celebrate
Sameness and predictability
Void of creativity.

What do I need
But a beautiful day
A tree that breathes, heavy and deep,
The water under its feet.
Sunflowers tilt their hats as I walk by
I hear a baby bird cry.
Its mother nudges it towards the ledge;
I watch it fall then fly.
It touches the sky.
Is this all real?
I am beginning to feel,
Again.

Ah the snowflake
Shiver and shake
Quietly as an earthquake
As it falls on my tongue
The cold makes me numb
As the white envelopes my black,
Is there no turning back?
The snowflake is a savior
A product of our nature
It dances with my despair
It weaves hope into my hair
Yet with every passing year
The hope seems to disappear
The smiles begin to fade
The dullness won't go away
Snowflake, you have pacified me.
Falsely, I believed I was safe.
So I must say goodbye forever
Can no longer be tethered
To your touch.

Sometimes it's easier
To believe
That it's all a dream
Not real, can't hurt you.

What am I
But a failed catalyst?
A spark of fire in water
Lightning in an empty field
Suspended belief in a fantasy
No real action
No real progress
No reactions.

I touch the sky
Trace the stars with my fingers
Wonder why am I alive
As I drift like the icy snow
From the clouds to the ground
Blowing over everything
Blowing you off
When you say I will be okay,
That it will be alright.

Dried tears
Numbed eyes
Here is my perfect world
Watch it as it falls
All around me
I no longer feel the pain
I just feel bliss

She has been molded carefully,
As she shuns all equality.
Her arrogant smirk,
That loud, interrupting voice
Seeping with sarcasm,
Cockiness.
She looks at the world
Through superior lenses.
You are her next victim,
Then it's on to another contender.

Sometimes I open a book
Get lost in the pages, in a safe dream
Sometimes I imagine a world
Where everything is purple and beautiful
My imagination is limitless, fearless
As clumsy reality makes a new mess.

As I bury myself underneath your skin,
All of the icy hesitation
Melts away as I am no longer me.
I can live, I am loved, I am free.

You made me feel like I couldn't do anything
Like I was small, meaningless
Like I was ugly.
You made me feel like a little speck of dust
On an otherwise beautiful painting.
You made me feel like the my world was ending.
Holding your external success - charm and prettiness.
I sat in the shadows of the storm clouds you summoned
With the rain pounding on my bare skin
Dripping cold and wet, a naked mess.
You disposed of me quickly, efficiently,
Leaving nothing but a hollow body.

I have something I love to do
Something that gets me up
Every morning
That I love, that I care for

It brings me life, reminds me why
I smile even when it's hard.

Sometimes we think we can escape
With a pill, or a drink.
Sometimes we perfect pulling the wool
Over our own eyes.

I lay down now,
The world melting around me.
My blood pressure dropping infinitely.
I breathe in, let a sigh out
As the world spins recklessly about.

My arms wrap around you
Until everything disappears
It's just us, lying peacefully here
Finally, I can breathe
Hum quietly in your ear
The night slides by easily
Whenever you are near.

I dream of him
His smile, his beautiful brown eyes
His heart, purified.
No one has ever loved me this much
I die with his gentle touch.

He sees with one eye
A single, solitary vision
Of an evil person
His black and white picture
Cannot be any clearer.

Can someone please
Please take me out of this place
Where I feel everything and nothing
All at once
Never did I ask to be this way
Yet I am shunned and chastised every day
Can anyone make this pain go away
Can anyone give me a reason to stay?

She breathes underneath my skin
Cannot hide her, she screams from within
Her ugliness radiates throughout me
She lacks all morals, all dignity
Crawling on top of you, covered in poison
She burns you alive with her acidity
With her jaded touch
I cannot love her, I resent her too much.

I never asked him to take it
But then again, he never gave.
He stole, he hurt, always betrayed.
I never really wanted to lose it
It slipped right out of my grasp
Just imagine that,
Right out of my grasp,
Like a piece of yourself you can never get back.

Devious, dark
Smoky figure
Linger
All around me
As I fade away
Becoming that dark person
That diabolical girl
Who hides and stalks and preys
On all.

It's 2 AM, and this is the time
That I have to accept
Beautiful people
They die sometimes
For no good reason
Other than a poor, sad excuse
That no one could help them.

It's like that terrible second when you're waiting on the pain.
When the nerve has yet to tell your brain.

I refuse to let these tears fall.
I refuse to let you get to me.
I have been strong for so long.
I have broken down, shamelessly.
I am human even when I don't want to be.
Here I stand, looking you right in the eye.
Give me your worst.
I'm at my best.

And so I let it all just melt away.
The hurt, the rejection. The uncertainty.
All of it.

In its place, a fire grew.
Fueled by endless years of beating myself up,
Of hurting the person I should love first.

Suddenly their words felt far away.
The criticism, the pain.
It all melted away. It was harmless.

If we could all hit a button to obtain love, happiness, and success, we probably would.
Then regret would flood through us as we realized that effort and hard work make us complete,
Make us alive.
We would sit there with everything handed to us,
And nothing to show for it.