I never imagined
I never could have thought
After all this time
Of not talking
Of not seeing
One little look that one day
Would turn on the light
To your home
In my heart

and then i imagine
when i’m up and
you try to
talk me down

you have so much to live for
you don’t have to tell me that
i know my dreams and goals
the things i’ll never reach

your family loves you
i know they do
of course they do
and they’ll be crushed

you’re talking to a girl
holding on by a thread
crying the ugly cry
just about to try and fly

i’ve created scenes
sounded sirens
stopped the traffic
stepping over the railing

played it back
again
and
again

you have so much to live for
we can get you help
you aren’t alone
your family loves you

it’s nothing new
and something known
just go a little deeper
i don’t even want to do this

but i have to.

And for some odd reason she hasn't had her coffee

                                                         ­                   And for some strange reason
                       she's hanging upside down

                                                                     And if for some little particle of time you see her right side up

                      Tell her hi for me and give her this little bitty cup

Retreating to the known and dangerous.
Easing into the normalcy of generated lines.
Letting the red tears run in place of the salt water ones.
Allowing myself to enjoy the comfort of pain.
Pain strikes but is welcomed at the gate.
Shutting out the emotions instead.
Eyeing them outside the window, wishing they would wash away.

Showing the mirror what I’ve done.
Under the black cloud of shame and guilt.
Creating a place of daggered walls and floors.
Kicking yourself just to make you learn.
Silently wishing for death to come.

I don't want to be me.
ME.
Miserable
Emptiness.

I look at you and see the happiness I wish I had.
The love for everyone you see.
I start to cry for my hopeless wishing
to be happy once again.

I write on paper all the things
I wish I had again.

Happiness
Love
Determination

Now all I want
is to write a new letter
to you.

A letter saying,
"I'm sorry for all I've done"
"I'm sorry for what I'm about to do"
"I'm sorry I can't do it anymore"
"I'm sorry I've lost my fight"