What should I do when I want to die?
Don't.
It's not that easy.
It never is, is it?
Never.

One day I’ll take a picture.
Of myself.

Or you will take that picture.
And it will be of me.

This picture won’t be pretty.
No matter how hard I try.

This picture will have features
That I’ve always tried to hide.

One day there’ll be a photo
Of me sitting down.
Holding out my arms for you
And showing all my thighs.

A photo of myself
And all I’ve ever hated.

The photo of the day I say,
“I’m proud of where I’ve been.”
“I’ve won the war I’ve been in.”

I’m losing the battle with depression.
This sickness of my mind.
It’s taken over all of me in ways you cannot see.
The demons in my soul and the darkness of my heart.
“Pretend” symptoms that cannot be measured.
Only those with the illness understand.

I’m losing the battle with my illness.
Feeling my body giving in.
Slower movement with a hugged in body.
Eyelids drooping down.
A paler face from the never sleep.
I do look sick.
But maybe from a cold.

I’m losing the battle with an illness.
The illness appears as a cold.
But there is no sniffling nose around.
Instead, hidden tears and ****** arms.
My hair is not falling out.
My body is not attacking itself.
All in all I don’t look sick.

I’m losing my body to depression.
I’m losing my health and soul.
I’m taking the blood from my heart.
With hopes of ridding the body of the bug.
Inside I feel the darkness.
Inside I feel the cold.

I’m losing this battle.
No matter how hard I fight.
I’ll lose one day.
And be taken from this life.

I feel the weight on my shoulders.
So I hide under the table.
Let the wood take the crushing world.
And allow me time to sleep.
Lie down on the shaggy floor.
While the makeshift roof is cracking.
Melt into the floor for once.
Becoming something new.
No longer am I human
But a part of something bigger.
My body has disappeared
From the harmful world.
There is no more crushing
The world cannot find me anymore.

TV turned on
with lights turned off.
Lying in the bed
your arms around me.
Kissing my neck
and touching my *******.
I turn and climb on top of you
and kiss your bearded mouth.
We breathe together
and move together.
Two beings not in love
acting as one.
Not making love
but having ***.

Wake up and see
his muscled back.
While I am cold
and silent.
We move and dress
to start the day
on our different ways.
Expecting nothing
I leave your bed
returning to my own.

One day after I receive a text,
"Hey. How are you?"
What I thought would be
a one night stand
has turned into something else.

A multiple night stand.