Christina Cox

Christina Cox Dec 2015

Knives

Working with the mirror, my tongue cuts sharp words.
You look stupid
she says.
I hate you
she whispers.
She is me

Running with paper pages, my hands cut into paper.
You should die
she tells.
I hate you
she utters.
She is me

Operating with swift gloves, my fingers cut skin.
You’re fat
she speaks.
I hate you
she screams.
**She is me

#cutting #depression #selfhatred

Christina Cox Dec 2015

Suicidal

Break a cup in the sink
Shatter the glass
Pick the biggest,
sharpest,
best piece.
Run the water
put the point against my skin
against the blue vein.
Press.
Make my hand bleed from holding
Make my wrist bleed from pressing.
Pull.
Create a line and pull some more
Press some more.
Make the blood come.
Watch it flow
until vision is black.
Colapse.
Mom or dad, it doesn’t matter
find me on the kitchen floor.
911.
Am I dead?
Or barely alive?
Failure either way.

I have problems. This is the latest idea... Writing down the idea makes it less likely to be done.

#cutting #depression #help #suicidal #idea

Christina Cox Dec 2015

My Friends

I make love to Sadness and wake up in her arms.
I make out with Anger while hitting the bases.
I flirt with brothers Guilt and Shame with no care.
The guarded Fear holds me in his arms.
I date Boredom and pay for the popcorn.
On vacation, Pain comes back, “welcome home” says the sign.
Walking through the mall, I hide from Joy.
The loving Care knocks on the door that says, No Soliciting
The stalker Forgiveness earns himself a restraining order.
The beautiful Love gives me flowers that when I touch, die.

#fear #sad #pain #shame #joy #guilt #angry #bored #care #forgive

Christina Cox Dec 2015

I Don't Want To Talk

Mom sits on my bed, next to me
while I play with the sewing machine.
The needle breaks, there’s a birds nest of thread, and the tension is all wrong;
I am angry at an object with moving parts.
She asks me questions about life, sewing, therapy
while I answer with yes and no and shrugs.
I guess you don’t want to talk right now.
No.
She leaves the room with sadness following
and I stay working with a heart filling with guilt and shame.

#depression #anger #mom #shame #guilt

Christina Cox Dec 2015

Bravery

Bravery comes in many forms.
It changes forms depending on it’s friend.

We take the brave to conquer demons
in different, personal ways.

Being brave is different for everyone,
it has a different face.

With respect we watch people fight
with swords, or guns, or more.

We may have similar fighting styles
but truth says no-one is the same.

Being brave is a personal thing.
And I respect the way you fight.

#depression #fight #bravery #respect

Christina Cox Dec 2015

Conversation

You tell me,
      -take off your bracelets
      -roll up your sleeves
      -don’t be afraid

               .

I hear you say,
      -I want to see
      -I want to know
      -be brave with me

               .

Then I think,
      ~if you saw
      ~you would stay
      ~until you couldn’t

               .

No matter what you tell me,
and the trust I put in you,
when you see the true pain I’m in,

         ~ - ~ - ~

     you’ll be scared,
          *just like me.

#cutting #depression #scared #bravery #you

Christina Cox Dec 2015

Medicine of the Soul

What heals that which cannot be seen?
Can we bandaid that which cannot be touched?
          Well, no.
The religious say that faith in the Lord God can heal the soul.
           If only I believed.

So what can mend a broken soul?
Happiness? An emotion that is a stranger.
     The unknown cannot heal me.
Food? The comforting taste of a well cooked steak.
     Maybe. Until the soul is mad for creating an ugly body.
Love? The warmth of another’s heart.
     Yes. Until it goes wrong, and it will.
Then the soul breaks in two.
               Again.
Music? The rhythm of those who understand.
     For a while, until the music stops speaking.

The soul grows and shrinks, changes everyday.
What pill can mend a broken soul?
What pill do I swallow to feel whole?

#broken #depression #soul #medicine