To whoever who knows him,

Tell him that although the world doesn't revolve around him. That even when I wake up it's not him I say good morning to. That even when there is so much more to life than him. This heart is still whispering his name at night, these eyes still cry for him, these ears still listening for some voice that might sound like his. Hey, I miss him. Even this far.

She's the woman I've been dreaming since childhood. She is goal-oriented, dream chaser, she is a travel, and an honest companion, a woman who writes of her own misfortunes and milestones. She is worthy to be proud of, she deserves to be happy after everything she went through. She is strong-willed and vulnerable, a risk taker and stubborn and fragile. She has a heart of gold. She is imperefect and yet beautiful. I'm proud of the woman that I've found. I'm proud of the woman I've become. And I'm still becoming the woman that I am. So hang in there, woman, because I will still write what I've written in letter a long time ago. It still is true up to now. I love you. No matter what you have or will become.

Ayaw lang unta kog ilara
Nga sa atong duha mas dali kong nakahawa
Nga sa pagkatinuod ikaw layo na.

Ayaw lang unta ko patuoha nga ikaw galisud sa pagbuhi, nga ikaw galisud nga ako maadtu sa lain,
Nga ikaw man diay ang nibuhi ug sa lain napalid.

Ayaw lang unta panganad nga pasakitan ko nimu
Ug ako mupahipi ra diri sa daplin
Kaning sakit sa kasing-kasing
Wa na gyud ko kasabut unsaon pagpa-ilin-ilin.

Ayaw lang unta ug balik nga murag wa kay nakit-ang lain
Nga murag ikaw ra gihapon ug ako ug ang kalibutan nga kita ray nakahibalo.

Nasakitan sad biya ko
Ug ikaw sad, kahibaw man ko.
Pero ayna kog baliki, ayna kog hilaki
Nga murag wala siya, iyaha na imung gugma
Ayaw nako binli.

Ayan! Siya pala yung taong
Minahal ko
(At patuloy ko pang minamahal)
Oo, nakakalula yung tingin at ngiti nya
At kung marinig mo man ang mga tawa niya
Naku! Gagawin mo ang lahat para
Marinig at marinig at marinig at marinig
Paulit-ulit ulit-ulit at hindi mo pagsasawaan
Ang mga tawa niya.

Siya pala yun
Yung kaya kong gawin lahat
Ipaglaban hanggang sa dulo
Noon, walang kasiguraduhan
Yung pinagagagawa ko sa buhay
Hanggang siya..
Dumating nga siya’t lahat ng bagay
Ay may kabuluhan
Ang mga araw ay naging
Mas maaraw
Nakikisayaw na rin ako sa mga
Ulan sa hapon
At sa gabi
Di alintana ang lamig sa init ng mga yakap
Kapag yumayakap
Sa bawa’t sandali.

Siya nga yun
Yung nakiusap na bumitiw at bitawan
Mga kamay na hindi ko pa nga
Nahawakan
Mga ngiting hanggang sa litrato na lamang
Mga salita ng pag-ibig
Na hindi pa naipaglaban
Pero bumitaw na siya
At naki-usap ako’y bumitaw na.

Siya yun
Yung kaya kong gawin lahat
At ngayon ay paulit-ulit kong
Binibitawan
Sa puso at isipan
Kung kaya ko siyang ipaglaban
Siguro (sana naman)
Kaya ko din siyang bitawan.

Unsa’y ikatambal sa kasing-kasing nga nasamdam?
Unsa’y pwede ikapugong anin’g mga luha nga wa’y undang sa pag-agas?
Unsa’y akong buhatun para mawala nin’g nipilit nga kasakit
Sa akon’g dughan nga sa imu ra gihapon nipitik?

Ana sila mawala ra daw ni
Ana ka “this is for the better”
Ana ko, “asa ang better?”, “kanus-a pa?”
Kung sa paglabay sa mga adlaw, sakit gihapon
Sama atun’g adlawa nga ako nabiya-an.

Unsa’y akon’g buhatun anin’g dughan ikaw gihapon
Ginapangita, ginadamgu, ginahuna-huna?
Ako nagpabilin sa tunga-tunga
Sa pagsangpit nga ako balikan nimu
Ug sa pagbiya, paglubong anin’g paghigugma
Nga wala na lingi-a.

Ug samtang karun nga bisa’g gamay lan’g nga pagtakdol
Sa kasing-kasing ug sa mga kagahapon’g panumduman
Wala’y lain kan’g madunggan kundili
Hagulhol nga daw namatyan
Ug sa padayun nga pagpatay anin’g ala-ut nga gugma.

Ako padayun nga mamasin
Nga pag-abut ugma damlag
Mahuman ang kasakit
Magsugod ang bag-un’g
Kalinaw, kalipay, malipay
Akon’g kasing-kasing unta magmaya na sab.

Apan karun nagpabilin kon’g mangutana,
Unsa’y ikatambal sa kasing-kasing nga nasamdam?
Unsa’y akong buhatun para mawala nin’g nipilit nga kasakit
Sa akon’g dughan nga sa imu ra gihapon nipitik?

I grew up thinking about you
Being the best thing I could never have.
You were perfect in everything you do
You were beautiful
And so I'd look for the 'you'
   in every guy I'd meet
Only yo be disappointed
They were not you
When you were the best
And I'd never have you.

Until that day..
The day
I. had. you.
Best days of my life.
I could never stop gazing into those deep eyes
Your voice was my favorite soundtrack
And every noise that you made echoed into the deepest parts of me.

It was surreal,
heaven sent,
cloud nine moment.
Until holding you meant bruises on my skin,
Smiles turned into fears,
Tears were starting to flow
Future became so blurry
My heart aches so painfully
My mind got ****** up.
Worst days of my life.

Man, you were such a pain in the ***.
You were the worst I ever held on to
And Gooood!
I never wanted to let you go
Even when it hurts,
Letting go was never part of the plan.

Either way,
You being the best
Or being the worst,
Nobody could top you.

I loved you,
I still love you.
I wanted you,
I still want you.
Even though,
Even if,
Even when,
Every part of you.

The best, the worst
The worst, the best.

Yet in every star
In every prayer
I wish and hope and pray and dream
And want and ache..

You.

Bundak uwan
Di man ikaw ang gipangandoy
Sa kadaghanan
Bundak pa, ibundak tanan.

Hilak pa
Di man tanan kasabut
Kung mao na imung kinahanglan
Sa wa'y pagduha-duha,
Ihilak na.

Ikaw at ako
Tayo
Meron bang ganun?
Oo, sabi mo
Isipin natin ang tayo
Isipin natin kung ano ang
Nangyari at mangyayari pa
Isipin natin
Hindi ang ating sarili kundi..
Tayo
Meron bang ganun?
Oo, sabi ko
Sa tuwing magkatugma ang ating mga mata
Iyo’y kumikislap, sinasabing
Oo, tayo talaga
Magkadikit ang mga kamay
Doon ako’y tila nalulusaw
Sa init ng mga palad ****
Aking naging tahanan na
Sa tingin ko ba meron talaga?
Oo, sabi ko.
Hindi ka maiiwan
Hindi kita iiwan
Hindi kita kayang iwan.
Hanggang sa huli,
Tayo.
Oo, pero nawala ka
Iniwan ako sa ere
Ganun naman talaga
Nagsimula ang mga
Sakit ng nakaraan,
Akala ko'y kaya kong
Pahilumin ang sakit ng
Mga pag-ibig ****
Noon iniwan ka
At babalikan **** muli
Balikan mo akong muli
Na parang wala
Tayo ulit
Tayo na
Tayo pa
Masakit.
Asahan **** andito parin
Hindi ko iisipin ang ako
Kundi
Tayo.
Masakit.
Paano ba bumitaw?
Kung nakalimutan ko ng isipin
Ang sarili
Dahil nga,
Tayo di ba?
Paano ba maging tayo?
Hanggang ngayo'y
Wala ka pa.

I miss the old us. I miss miss miss miss miss miss miss.. you.

Ours was a set of wrong timings. It started with us. We met, unfortunately. I was happy and contented until I met you. We were something impossible still I hoped for the best. It was wrong. It felt so right.

And everytime I think of you I feel so happy yet so sad. Its so euphoric I could fly right out that rooftop and into the sky. I'll shout your name, let it be known that I'm exploding into my happy thoughts of you then dive into the pits of hell. All this pain's making me feel like burned out to pieces then burned all over again until I won't know how to feel anymore.

We had to end. We're a tragic story but I'll talk about us like a lover talk about his love, like a painter paint about his masterpiece, like a writer trying to write his best. I'll talk about how our roads were only meant to cross for a second then forever gone. It was a second worth remembering. A second of infinity. We've separate destinations. We're never meant to be. We tried. It wasn't enough.

I'll miss you. It's funny how I could feel so much for you like I've known you from when forever began. But I'm glad we met. I could replay us over and over and over and over again until my memory sinks into the deepest of the earth.

Ours was a set of wrong timings. But you were the rightest of all my wrongs.

How is it that you’d ask me not to forget to meet you halfway and forget about it? Does your mind ever wander or your voice ever whisper through the winds or your heart ever wish in every shooting star about this -- about us -- the way mine does

every.
single.
time.

For you?

If I could count all the tears shed and all the hours I’ve skipped sleep and those times when I’m drowned on songs and verses and memories all because of this that I have,

For you?

You'd know the depth of how much you have an effect on me.

If only I could write word after word until our worlds meet and collide so beautifully again, I’d write how my heart aches and crushes and hurts.

How is it that you said you’ll wait and left me here waiting? And yet I’m still here waiting,

For you, Topaz.

And so I found myself staring at a picture that had your face. I wonder how you are. Merry Christmas, by the way. Do you still remember me and all that I was to you? I do. I remember all you are to me. The glances, the smiles, the whispers, the you and me sitting on a swing. It was morning full of hope, just as I was.

I remember the letter. Do you remember the last part? I hope you'll make it through like how people get through the night til come daylight, another day will come, another hope. Another swing to sit on. You staring at me as I at you. Hey, all I want for Christmas? Us..

But a want is not necessarily something to behold. I'll keep staring at this face that is you. I'll keep your photograph and your words until then. But until then I'll be thinking, you're another promise broken.

They kept on telling me it wasn't love. It was something, but it wasn't love. But what do they know? They weren't the one who lived inside this body that kept on getting fired up every time you laid your eyes on mine. They weren't the one who got to feel those tingling electricity every time your hands touched mine. They weren't that girl who died a little bit every day after you said goodbye. No, they only told me it wasn't love because they never know. Oh how it feels like, hot and cold mixed up, good and bad, everything nice and then so so bad.

But maybe I do not know at all what love is and so I thought it was. No, it wasn't love after all. It was something that paints smile on my face every time.

But if the stars would realign themselves to make way for a possibility that can only be possible in my dreams..

But if time would turn back around to when I first held into that moment when I saw your lips curve into a smile..

But if letters would do justice to how I feel whenever I remember a beautiful creature, a diamond in the rough, an unspoken wonder full..

But if it happens, and the heavens would say yes to a destiny full of me and you and every single possibility in between..

.. You know I'd take that. I'll always be wanting to take that.

I've missed you. I can't write metaphors about it, I've written your memories into different poems I've made and there's nothing left to write. There's nothing left to reminisce. Nothing left to think.

There is nothing left but missing you. So bad.

These songs,
These feelings,
These thoughts of you --
They reminded me
That summer is long past --
Cold nights are here to stay.

I found myself listening to your kind of music
I wish the lyrics, they mirror what you're thinking
Hey you're going to make it, just keep holding on
Don't look back, don't hurry up too
Just a step at a time, you'll make it I know
You're a step closer
If only the lyrics mirrored what you've thought of.

I'm about to get to twenty
About to say goodbye being a teeny
Oh the good life
And let's not forget the good years.

I was thirteen at first,
I was in love with him --
One I thought my first and hoped to be last
But for all I care now, I'm glad I've known him.

I was fourteen,
I ventured into something
That one thing I've been dreaming since child years
I had to let it go, glad I've some cheers.

I was fifteen,
I met another love, he ran in my mind
Yeah, he had a marathon right there
For a couple of years and I'm glad he did.

I was sixteen,
I was still in love with him while entering into
Somewhere that slowly reshaped my way of thinking
There had been stones along the way, I'm glad for 'em.

I was seventeen,
I thought I could make my youth last
But I was beginning to think I'm on a brink of something
I was about to be a lady, I was happy, yes I'm glad for it.

I was eighteen,
Oh and finally I could say I could decide for myself
Hey, I thought I would be happy to go
But I am happy with my parents, I'm glad I have them.

I was nineteen,
I let him go, he broke my heart but
Somebody came, broken too, much more than I
I'm happy, I'm waiting, I'm glad for him.

Tomorrow I'll turn into another year older
Hey, I don't want this to be written for somebody else
This if for me, this time I'll write for me
And for everything and for all I care, I love how my life turned out right now.


~~ Criss ∞

Tick-tock-tick-tock
I'm slipping out of you
You're slipping out me
Love, we're slipping out and into somewhere new
Grab a hold of me, of us, of everything in between
Let's slip away, away into each other's again.


~~ Criss ∞

I wish it was me
That girl you wanted - dream girl

Or that someone you meant
When you replay that reggae sort of love song

Or in your dream that you never wanted
To wake up from

I wish it was me
But there were other girls.

~~ Criss ∞

I don't want to daydream of you.

~~
They take me farther from the reality of you until I reach a point where you become like a fictional character rather than a someone I've had sweet memories with.
~~

Oh, daydream just doesn't do you justice, love.

~~ Criss ∞

No matter the beauty – your look, your make-up
Your measures, do you follow an ideal body shape?
Society should never dictate you, love
You are beautiful; take away that palm on your face.

And that while the world has her own
Standard of how beauty ought to look,
Wear your most beautiful self you’d find within
Do your walk, babe, show the world who you are.

Don’t tear yourself down, wear who you are
If you say you’re weird, dance it out to centerstage
The world needs crazy darlings who’d turn the world –
Turn this little world into a crazily beautiful haven.

And if you say you’re little compared to them b*tches
Let your little things creep in slowly
Go low and go slow, they say
You’ll build castles of pretty little things someday.

Wear your beauty – flaws and all –
You are beautiful, your promising eyes twinkle
Let your wings take flight, your soul be seen
Let it sing as you free yourself from within.

Take away that palm on your face, I say
Make them do facepalm not for how they thought you fail
But of how they did let such beauty pass them by
While they were looking for better, they took for granted the best.


~~ Criss ∞

The night was too quiet, she was being lulled by a certain rhythm. It wasn't of the sound made by the crickets nor the song that kept on being replayed on her list. It was nothing like that. It was a rhythm that kept her lying on her bed and blinking away tears and smiling at random times when she hears it as it travels into her ears with memories too sweet to forget.

She kept remembering the rhythm of his voice now getting blurry by long distance memory. It happened in quite a long time ago. It's becoming too faint to soon would become only an echo like there in a cave too dark to step into.

--
Oh, I miss him.

~~ Criss ∞

Oh I still think of you
In the quietness of the night
And every time I see couples around
I wonder how we could have been
Oh how my heart could have been
Jumping up and down within
This tiny cage a chest that's mine.

I still think of you
Your picture saved in
My alter reality - somewhere 'Us' happened
Your name still found
At the back of my notebook written
Oh you are still there
I don't know when you'll last.

But I still think of you
And I'm giving you that chance
Do something, move forward -
For us - so that in this reality 'We' exist
My patience running low; I'm getting impatient on you
Thinking is never enough, I should have done something
Only that I'm a woman, I could just wait..

But boy know that today
Just like all the days before
And probably all the days after -
I am thinking of you
Oh and that every thing in me
Every hope, every dream
You are there, you never left.

~~ Criss ∞

To My Dearest Love of All Time,

I'm going to allow you and give you the opportunity to find me. No, I mean, I will allow love to find us finally and lead us into each other. And no, I'm not expecting you to be somebody I know. for all I care, I'm living my life the best I can. I'm waiting for the time when we would finally meet. So, I hope you're living yours beautifully too.

My friends would casually ask me what's the best day I have ever lived, I haven't lived it yet as I'm reserving that day to be ours.  Know that I'm waiting here patiently, although I'm not good at that -- waiting. But know that I'm giving the best that I can because I want to give my best to you. Don't shun away, walk that road into our Happily Ever After because when I would finally find you, I'll walk straight towards you or maybe run if it's not a very desperate move to do.

Is it possible to miss someone you haven't met? Because that's how I feel every time I think of you. Is it possible to love someone whom you still have to meet in the future? I have all my love reserved for you.

-- Criss ∞

All the words
All those scenes she's directing inside her mind
The songs she keeps on listening
Or the silences when she thinks --

Boy, you must be so beautiful
She must have been going insane
She constantly finds you running in circles
Her mind becomes your track and field

She keeps on hoping
Like a well, someday it'll have water shortage
She is hoping for you, someday it's coming to an end
But your smile, your glances -- like a battery she is recharged .

And the cycle starts all over again.

~~ Criss ∞

Every night, like a marathon
Of memories of you - with you - I have kept
My mind a player that only gets
That one CD replayed until I meet you in my dreams.

But somewhere between replays
I have to remind myself to senses
You are not the life I have to live
You're part of who I am, now part of who I was.

Somewhere between these lines
I so carefully written my heart out
I should be on my my way to moving on
From

You know how it's like to look into his eyes?

---
It's like lying in an open field and stargazing at a vast night sky. I would trace his beauty with every twinkle, his soul laid bare. And when I get lucky enough, I'd see something of him new like a shooting star. He is too beautiful I couldn't look away. Yet he is too far I couldn't get a grab of him. I'm always in awe, yet always unsatisfied.

It's like drinking something so tasty, it quenches my thirst but leave me wanting for more. I could taste his mood at the moment, tasting another when time ticktocks to another time. It's very delicious, I'm afraid I couldn't make it last.

Maybe I've seen this coming. Like all stargazing will have to end when dawn is creeping out or like when I will about to have my last drop, I can only hope it lasted longer. I hope I hadn't tried. I hope there will be next time. I hope he feels the same as I am.
---

You know how it's like to look into his eyes? It's a joy and a pain at the same time.

And the best and worse part of it: the feeling lingers (sometimes very strongly, sometimes so sweetly , and sometimes just for a sec and sometimes for quite a while ) like a smell, like a song, like a book I've read. My heart always melts, my mind always reasons whenever I look at him.

I am a kid who
Is as innocent as when I sleep
I don’t have a sister
Or a brother to call my own.

With my father I’m used to go
On road trips and even on seas deep
My smiles along couldn’t waiver
Til evening came, til morning dawn.

With my mother I used to do
Play with her, with my cousin I dance and skip
Though exhausted, sleep would always be later
In the depth of the night just after I yawn.

Hope like a heartbeat beating
The tiny veins get filled up by
Blood cells to circulate the body -
Got life alive with every rhythm of it.

Hope like a candle lit up
In a room where darkness circles around
A tiny spark –
Got her child from crying out and aloud.

Hope, oh that is what’s between
When impossibility is trying to reign
Hope is what flickers
Between you and me.

Oh you might say that all who waited
Somehow, someday, find their treasures been waiting
But I know of a girl who had a tragic in-between of a story
She thought was her end of the line but behold
Another story was set before her surprised.

She found him in her innocence
Between what supposed in the way of her - a woman and a girl -
He looked at her first, she got his heart after
But years for their ‘us’ was far ahead so they kept a promise
To wait for him was hers; to wait for her, he tried.

Their vows were broken out of a simple ‘yes’ he found
In someone else’s lips said what he thought was love
Left alone was she, and the years far ahead gone astray
Like fragile bottles only to be broken to tiny pieces
Nothing else was left but memories singing the winds have carried.

Alone she walked through life she thought was cruel
‘Why do I always have to let go those that I loved’?
She had recounted every single one of those
She had to let go, she was left with moving on
Until there was this light, enough that darkness had to say goodbye.

Light was sparkling through someone else’s eyes
Alas! It was the eyes of true love, she hoped
Hoping was the only thing she knew, well except
Of letting go, moving on, and walking away for a thousand times
But this she found was something else, something worth the wait.

Never wasting time, they winded up in each other’s arms
Like a moth captivated by the candle lit in the darkest room
Their story was like dancing to and fro, of being afraid and trying to risk
They tried to risk, but time again for them was far ahead,
They had to bid farewell of what supposed to be true love.

She dared continue walking, away from pain towards hope again
She was now more onto loving her own, life would be beautiful
If only she would like herself more than before
Contentment was key, waiting was another
But fate had something else in mind for her.

There was this man who thought life was more beautiful
In living through pain and near-death experiences
If only he could waste his very own than how he does every time
Wretched, ruined, even thrill-seeker, or just a time waster
But truth is, he is just a boy inside trying to un-made his pain.

She met a crossroad where he was lying so lonely
She was a little too hopeless,
He was trying to be a little bit hopeful
They shared a smile that was soon followed a thousands more
It was like stars shining brightly, the night sky was full.

But dear I never would know how their story would end,
The story has not ended as I am still the girl who
Has been exchanging smiles with him in our little crossroad found
Star-crossed lovers we may never be,
But at least to knit our lives at this little time was enough for me.

You thought she was shivering from coldness of the rain
It was a shiver that stemmed out from within.

How do you mend a sick heart, a mad mind?
How would you if you were just as sick and as mad as she was?

You say, I could be of help to make her shivers turn to warmth
But you never had given the chance your heart to know that fire.

Eversince a child have I been fascinating the beauty of words
I see colors lingering like an aura on their edges
I see motion pictures that are yet to be freed from a cage that is a paper
Words, oh they're like painting only that
Those kinds of painting only painted from mad thoughts and open minds
I imagine them getting out of those beautiful minds
To be made into spools of thread to either cover a man with love or shame.

Words have that kind of thing on me.
They awaken the inner goddess living inside the depth of my being
But never have I been fascinated with words until
I opened that letter which was so carefully written,
Words that were so carefully chosen,
With the hands that's yours
And with the mind as intricately beautiful as yours.

~~ Criss ∞

Just one look at those letters -- letters that made up his name. All my walls built up for me to let go, they all turned to ashes. Moving-on? I have been going through that road a lot of times I have lost count but why, oh pretty little heart, you forgot how to only go through that road but never let yourself get stuck, or worse, go back to the time -- that time I had known his name for the first time?

This was a story of letting go and moving on.

I was eating my heart out of cups of rice with nilagang baboy on the right side of my medium-sized plate. I was happy, it wasn't just of my almost-full tummy. It was that of enjoying myself without restraining to the possibility of getting myself fatter as if I'm fat enough to worry or worse, that getting fat was even possible. Diet was never something I waste my time worrying, I act as if it was never existing. But boom! My nilagang  baboy was gone. I was so blown away with my happy thoughts I hadn't notice I have eaten them all. I was about to get sad and push myself to stop until I heard my dad, "sisig coming up". I knew right there & then, there's a purpose to every letting go, moving on. So, do.