As years faded by
I was in-denial I was living a lie
swallowed by my own false identity
by burying reality deep inside
more high than sober
living in a nightmare that is never over
with everyday, my senses fade
and I complacently follow into your malicious games
losing touch of why I stay
constantly confused of who I am underneath my name
told myself every night this is real
but when walking during the day I am filled with shame
I'm not an object for you to steal
layers of your delusions
I'm trying to peel
all my colors, you have concealed
even though I am now miles away
I'm still trying to remember how to feel.

-a.t

I remember the first time I did it.
I felt so alive, I felt so free,
Then out of the blue addiction took it's hold.
How did it happen that quickly?
I'm not sure I even know.
Before I even turned around
I'd hit rock bottom, I felt so alone.
The bullying was relentless,
physically, verbally and emotionally.
The same old story day after day.
I felt my confidence and my strength slipping away.
There was no hope, no fight,
Nothing left in me to give,
I was cold. I was numb.
Then it all changed. I started to self harm.
At first a scratch would do,
Then it wasn't enough,
It escalated from there.
Soon it wasn't just my arms,
It was anywhere I thought no-one would see.
I felt like I was in control again,
I told myself "If I can do this I can handle any pain".
My box of blades became my best friend.
The bandages hid my secrets well.
Excuse after excuse came easily,
The scars appeared where the cuts had been
No-one knew how loud I wanted to scream.
They couldn't see the hurt inside
They didn't know my soul had died
I still remember the day they were told.
I was only 14 years old.
For 2 years I'd hidden it well.
I stopped for a while,
A few weeks at least.
The bullies didn't stop
If anything it was worse
I tried to take control again,
I believed I could do it
Without causing anyone any pain.
"If I'm better at hiding it no-one will know"
But as it got worse the scars began to show.
For a time it got really bad
It was two or three times a day.
Anytime I was alone,
Whatever I had close by.
I didn't care if I lived or died.
I wasn't trying to end my life
I was simply trying to feel alive.
As the pain inside got worse
So did my addiction.
The more people hurt me
The more I'd hurt myself.
It was that way until a year ago today.
I was inspired by someone who means a lot to me.
They sent me a message that said they believe in me.
Something inside me switched that day.
I felt worthy of love, acceptance and kindness.
I felt valued and worth something in the world.
Looking back I suddenly believed it wasn't my fault,
I didn't deserve this punishment or the hurt inside.
I needed to let go of it all and let myself live my life.
That's what I've spent the past year doing,
Sometimes I am amazed I made it at all.
However I did make it,
And to anyone out there struggling
You will make it too because,
Just like someone believed in me,
I believe in you.

Poetry has become my self harm,
I only write at my lows...
Instead of blood I see words,
Instead of a blade I have a keyboard...

I want to write about...
The wind dancing with the sea...
Or...
The way you smile and it lights up your innocent face...

I don't want poetry to be my self harm,
Because poetry is beautiful...
An art...
Not.
Just.
Blood.
And.
Scars.

Self-Harm
Self-Hate
Mis-Used
Mis-Placed

My faith is running thin,
My world is turned upside down,
Always committing a sin,
The demons are forever bound

Self-Harm
Self-Hate
Mis-Used
Mis-Placed

The constant thought of purging,
The teasing of a knife,
The thought is always urging,
To end this helpless life
Self-Harm

Self-Hate
Mis-Used
Mis-Placed

The breaking of a single heart,
The pain whipping through my head,
Just when you think you’ll shatter apart,
The pain begins to numb instead

Self-Harm
Self-Hate
Mis-Used
Mis-Placed

My soul is now hollow,
I can no longer feel pain,
Take another pill to swallow,
In order to stay sane

Self-Harm
Self-Hate
Mis-Used
Mis-Placed

Living for tomorrow,
Yet stuck in the past,
Wallowing in my sorrow,
My life is fading fast

Self-Harm
Self-Hate
Mis-Used
Mis-Placed

self harm is a misguided concept
where people think that if you don't drag a blade across your skin
that you are not in pain
but they believe that if you choose to do so
that you are seeking for attention
whether you are the holder of the blade or the skin beneath it
you are the wrong no matter what the right
but the symptom from depression is not just cutting and leaving scars
it's about destroying your body whether that's your physical being
or the helpless voice inside your mind

self harm is not just cutting
it's not just leaving a tally of pain across each wrist
or carving insults into your thighs in hopes that no one would see them
self harm is not just opening your skin to release the pain
self harm can be opening your legs to guy who said he loved you
self harm can be extinguishing the flame from your cigarette on you skin
self harm can be intoxicating your mind with fluid or substance
self harm can be pulling strands of your hair from your scalp
self harm can be chewing your nails until you bleed from your fingertips
self harm can be using those fingertips as erasers
to delete the calories you count daily
self harm can be starving your precious body
to count each rib because that's what they say is beauty

but that isn't what defines beauty
whether you have scars on your skin or scars in your mind
whether those scars are stretch marks or harsh words
whether they have healed or are still in that process
you are beautiful

you are beautiful


*/evjs

Self- harm is a coping mechanism meaning people self-harm as a way to get them to focus on something other than their emotional pain. When you are hurting physically, you don't have time to deal with your emotional pain so you push your emotional pain off to the side. That only lasts so long though. Your body is like a volcano. The more you try to cover whatever it is that is causing you pain, eventually you will reach a breaking point and snap. When that snap happens, your in real danger. Some people have an emotional break down, some self-harm even more than they already do and some even try to commit suicide and succeed. You can't stop self-harming overnight. It doesn't happen that way. There is a reason why people do it and most of the time it's because something happened and the thing that happened is too painful to deal with. In the end, in order to quit you need to confront the issue you are avoiding and it can be anything: death of a loved one, a break up, a car accident, abuse, abandonment, witnessing a ******, being kidnapped, miscarriage, divorce, moving around a lot, bullying, near death experience. All these things can cause a person to self-harm and a lot of the time these people aren't suicidal, they just want relief. To get relief they need to confront the issue. Confronting the issue is scary. By confronting the issue they are reliving their traumatic experience and they are forced to feel things and talk about things that they have been hiding through self-harm. Those who self-harm also need to learn other ways to dealing with their pain which can be hard to do especially if you were raised in an environment where violence, self hate, anger and abuse were how you dealt with your emotional problems and if you have been self-harming for a long time, it's very difficult to let go of something that has been your comfort blanket for years. It's strange that something so painful can be so comforting to people. Self-harm is something that is hard to understand unless you have gone through it yourself. It is an issue that needs to be addressed. You can't make somebody stop doing it. Just like drugs you can't make a person stop their addiction unless they want to. What people don't want to see is that self-harm can **** someone. All it takes is one wrong move with a razor or whatever you self harm with and your done. If that truth doesn't scare anybody into taking this rising issue seriously, I don't know what will.

it was not beautiful,
the way he broke my heart.

it was not gentle,
or lovely,
or romantic.

it was a monday morning screaming battle,
it was the feeling of words jabbing into my soul.

he left without a goodbye,
I spewed hate without remorse.

it was not beautiful,
loving him.

I tore down my body for a sake of well-being
I never really established.

I left home and never came back.

he poured the gasoline,
laughed as I lit the match,
"baby, keep me warm."