it was not beautiful,
the way he broke my heart.
it was not gentle,
it was a monday morning screaming battle,
it was the feeling of words jabbing into my soul.
he left without a goodbye,
I spewed hate without remorse.
it was not beautiful,
I tore down my body for a sake of well-being
I never really established.
I left home and never came back.
he poured the gasoline,
laughed as I lit the match,
"baby, keep me warm."
when our two tragedies met,
we created a storm.
it was you and me against the world,
but eventually there was nothing left to tear down
besides each other.
what's a hurricane without the wind?
I let you engulf me.
it's much easier to appear unphased
than to admit that the walls i put up inside my being
have morphed into open windows
am i still vulnerable if it's only internal?
looking at you sparks an unsettling amount of familiarity inside me
and i know if i allow myself to fall prisoner to these urges -
if i don't refuse these emotions that keep surfacing,
i will end up creating yet another home out of a person who has no room for a permanent resident.
If I was to be honest about the person I am
I'd walk around with a neon sign,
"I'll love you because I can't love myself. I'll love you until I find better reasons to suffer."
It's a sadomasochism complex.
It's a toxicity I've grown acquired to.
he was the first apartment you get after moving out of your parents'.
it was your home, but not really.
it was comforting, but it wasn't familiar.
sometimes i miss the way he smelled when i had my lips pressed against his neck.
sometimes i drink until i forget the name of the cologne he wore.
I gave you every piece of me -
Every sliver of my soul that I spent years working on,
You now own.
I thought you would take care of me
But I can see the person I used to be
Collecting dust on the shelves of your heart
And I cannot do anything but stare
And wish so badly that I could take it back,
Take all of it back.
I don't just want the broken pieces of me.
I want every stupid kiss,
Every pointless argument,
That was wasted on you.
your drunken lips,
my ***** tongue
remind me what it’s like to feel whole -
when there’s not a gaping void in my chest.
tell me i’m beautiful
only this time, you mean it.