Pocket full of Marlboros I don't know when you started smoking
But I do know
That you still know me
Here on this darkened street corner
You still see me
And it scares me
That I could have pressed so much of myself into your hands
And that you didn't let it go
Even though the back of your hand is all I know
And I know that you know me
But is that enough to bring us back to the people we used to be?
On that sacred hill or in your old house in the city
Apathy isn't pretty
But I'd like to try it on for size
Somewhere inside of me in the darkness cries for all that we once were
That smoke doesn't hide you it just blurs the sadness in your eyes
The weight in your sighs.
(I'm not angry anymore, I'm heart broken)

8am solo endless drives in
Purgatory
Will you remember me?
Will you still say say my say my name
Or have I disappeared into all these varying shades of 8am
Have I become the way I looked at him?
Will I fade here? Or will I reignite only to show you up
Turn up and burn up I know you never wanted me
Just wanted the person you imagined me to be
Now all I see is the white lines of this highway
Purgatory
Will you remember me?
Will this be
Forever?
8am fade out good so slow
I'm nobody's baby so nobody needs to know
My glass bloodwork and hazy brain
I know you don't see me the same
Purgatory.

And I still think about you sitting pretty in that skin ******* shirt
The one with the holes in it, reminiscent of the holes in my skin
Reveal my boiling blood work and fragile spine
Eyes glued to the floor wondering what it would be like to be called 'mine'
and you're there on the couch wrapped up in deep brown talking **** to the pretty girl next to you
And I'm over here on my own knowing better than to try to make a move
When you're already preoccupied with someone else
I know I'm better by myself
Now it's nearly two months out and I'm watching you on a tiny screen in my room
Long limbs draped artfully over a guitar feet dangling in the pool tattoos indistinguishable in the evening gloom
And I wonder what it's like in your world
I wonder what it's like in your head
If it's raining or snowing or if you're choking on what you should have said
So now I'm slightly intoxicated on my back in my sheets
Praying for some sign of rain or some subtle relief
From switch screen wanting I don't even want any of you
I don't know you I don't trust you I don't know what you do
I know an idea
better left by itself
Better left alone so I can be by myself
Not for anyone else
Just me in my own skin
And you're a casualty of my sober vivid mind
An empty grave I don't want to find
An ocean packed with a thousand words better left unsaid
A persistent reminder of the emptiness of my bed
And in my dreams I'll move closer to you
I'll take hold of your calloused hand
But as I wake I know I'll run far from you
Because I'll never belong to any man
And hey I could be the tattoo on your left arm
Wrapped tight around your bones
Hey I could be the ice in your glass
But you will never be my home
No I'd rather be alone

And still I am screaming from the base of my arteries "I gave all of me to you and you turned away"
Swollen and drunk on a Sunday I make my way to the foot of the cross and call out your name once more
I am a mess of American habits and self centered longing but still I long to be taken back into your living room and told that I am all that I was the day I opened myself to you
The day I washed your feet on your kitchen floor
Drunken and bruised laughing swearing that no matter how long I lived I would never ask for more
You made me pasta and ran your fingers through my hair
On days when my world bit at my ribs you reminded me that I was still there
In simple gestures of midnight snacks and open hands
I found you
I loved you
and I lost
And now I find myself at the foot of the cross
Spitting out your name like sour wine
See the holes in my hands
See the holes in my feet bore from your absence
See the slash in my side from which a river of black pours
Of all the ways I loved you and you never gave back
And now I lie broken and small in my sheets
Praying for some sign or relief that I am rid of you
That the nights we spent are gone
That your clothes are off my floor and my body still moves the way it did before you
Honest and fully free in the gentle morning
That no part of me longs for any part of you
That my hands are full
That my feet are guarded and my side safely stitched
That all of me
 is all I am
Instead of the lack,
Instead of the work of your hands.

For our father,
Who art in heaven
Never hallowed your name.
Though he let your kingdom come,
And your will be done,
He will restore my spirit.
On earth
As it is in heaven.
He will give me today my daily bread forgive my debts
Though I still have trouble forgiving you,  unholy debtor.
Though you lead me into temptation,
He has kept me safe from evil.
For yours,
Was never the kingdom,
The power,
Or the glory,
Forever and ever
Amen.

spitting blood nearly dead almost passed out in an open field
freshly wounded bug bit I'm still reeling from your open nails
I wish you could see me now
I wish you could see me now
running from intimacy like you learned to run from your truth
strung out on self reliance a product of my loveless youth
I wish you could see me now
I wish you could see me now
rolling in the wake of the end of my self induced apathy
finally processing the hurt from when you laughed at me
I wish you could see me now
I wish you could see me now

and do you hear me now? Screaming drunk off my anger on my phone in the parking lot
finally unleashing hell on you for everything you're not
and all that you pretended to be
all that you said to me
like some godless lover across the pillow in your bed
all your sentiments sounded so pretty coming from the hole in your head
well you never followed up
so let me follow through
left hook to your pastel pride
and a right hook to all I thought was true
Your love isn't perfect it's bruised
Your grace isn't saving it's used
as you used me to use him to break back through
here's to you

wiped out in the backseat crying like I thought it'd never end
bruising restless and breaking I know now you're not my friend
I wish you could see me now
I wish you could see me now
Brusing my fists and biding my time finally awake
I realized in your hands I had had all I could take
I wish you could see me now
I wish you could see me now
and if you could you'd see that I'm not happy, but I'm finally my own
you'd find that I am not a queen but I never need a throne
I wish you could see me now
I wish you could see me now

and do you hear me now? Screaming drunk off my anger on the phone in the parking lot
finally unleashing hell on you for everything you're not
and all that you pretended to be
all that you said to me
like some godless lover across the pillow in your bed
all your sentiments sounded so pretty coming from the hole in your head
well you never followed up
so let me follow through
left hook to your pastel pride
and a right hook to all I thought was true
Your love isn't perfect it's bruised
Your grace isn't saving it's used
as you used me to use him to break back through
here's to you

I can feel you laughing down my neck just like it was yesterday
I can feel those beige walls pressing in
Slow dancing on an open grave
Twisting the knife into my skin
           This isn't self harm this is processing
           This isn't nostalgia this is letting go.
Winter air wrapped in red so many layers I almost couldn't hear what you said
All draped in ice and grace  
The world isn't as small and snug as it used to be
The world is too near and is not gentle with me
I remember
The way it felt when you crossed the room
And I remember
How it felt to leave too soon
I am not my brothers keeper
And you are not the boy I thought I knew
But winter rises ominous and waking before me
and my hands are already turning blue
I'll hold you if I want to.

I was thin wristed and restless looking for another fist to bruise
Another wall to tumble down another coping mechanism to abuse
and there you sat dressed in black swearing on a filthy church pew
Talking of all the boys you almost loved and how all of me applied to all of you
Whirlwind summer whiplash stomach sick in my Sunday best
If the good Lord tries our patience then you were my final test
Raging lows to soaring heights I found heaven in the back of your hand
You stitched me up just to tear me apart no one can humble me like you can
An answer to prayer
A song unsung
The unspoken fear in the back of my lungs
A slight of hand
The long drive home
Another night in bed wishing I had left you alone