Late days weighted heads and moonlight
crossed fingers filthy feet and new wine
I'm in love with every part of this
talk it up tell me you got a lot to say
walk me home unsteady from the heavy day
You've got me in right your prize fighter fist
Old hymns bug bites and middle school
play it off while you fail to keep your cool
I don't know what to say
God's grass I'm reborn into a family
baptized in longing when you look at me
We're all formed from the same unholy clay

and I stay up and bleach away the excess emotion
stomach sick from this heady new ocean
of wanting your fingers on my spine
I sleep late and let the dust collect
a new mystery special, a new set of dots to connect
the weight of wanting to call you 'mine'
but all I say when you ask
is 'thanks for asking I slept fine'

Early days light linen and black coffee
bedheaded and bruisin you caught me
right at the base of my chest
jeff gordon god and all his parlor tricks
morning breath bravado I'm already sick
trying to keep these feelings in check
You're five hundred and seventeen miles away
and I'm seven months from finding the right words to say
that I'm happier in the cracks of your teeth
Common senses debates time and distance
enamored by your subtleties and fighter's stance
you almost negate my unbelief

and I stay up and bleach away the excess emotion
stomach sick from this heady new ocean
of wanting your fingers on my spine
I sleep late and let the dust collect
a new mystery special, a new set of dots to connect
the weight of wanting to call you 'mine'
but all I say when you ask
is 'thanks for asking I slept fine'

Bruised ribs I'm sleepless walking down this dusty road
Lost in thought over my dead weight but I just can't shoulder the load
And I tried to run it over my tight tongue in the bathroom
Singing quiet hymns to consol myself praying to god that now isn't too soon
And I see it in my eyes head on in the mirror
I can hear it in my constant questioning trying to understand why the path isn't clearer
But I'm no nearer to understanding than I am to touching my elbow with my tongue
I'm no closer to letting someone in than to embracing who I've become
And my need to run
And I'd like to see the light behind your bright eyes dancing on my skin
I'd like to risk the burn just to try and let you in
Warm arms and broad smile
Sit down and tell me to stay a while
I think I could pause for you
I think I could stop worrying about what I should do
Just staring into your kind eyes
Trying to figure out why that flame never dies
But here I am thin skined thing trying to protect my arteries
Laying alone broken in bed over how others seem to have responded to me
Like I've been sent out to sea on this twin bed in my sleep
Awakened in waves too caught off guard and timid to make that leap
So I'll sink my tired skeleton into the frame work of this mattress
And try to decompress my heavy head and restless mind
They say if you seek you'll find
And I'd like to find that light that lives behind your eyes inside my own skin
I'd like to risk the bruising and breaking just to try and let you in
Warm arms and broad smile
Sit down and tell me to stay a while
I think I could pause for you
I think I could stop worrying about what I should do
Just staring into your kind eyes
Trying to figure out why that flame never dies
But here I stand, Fire eyed girl that I am
spitting venom declaring I belong to no man
I am not who I used be and it's plain to see when I look at you
And think of all the damage I could do
Hoping that maybe some things aren't too good to be true
So if that's true,
And I'd like to see the light behind your bright eyes dancing on my skin
I'd like to risk the bruising just to try and let you in
Warm arms and broad smile
Sit down and tell me to stay a while
I think I could pause for you
I think I could stop worrying about what I should do
Just staring into your kind eyes
Trying to figure out why that flame never dies.

Quiet nights in my bed and family dinners all drive me deeper into myself
I spend my the majority of my time alone lost in Facebook memoirs and tributes to friends that never lasted through the storm
I am not sick in my heart I am trying to be well again
Trying to meet your gaze from across the room
To be able to accept your half assed companionship like any other functioning human who can summon up a smile to cover up the sparking of their discontent
But I can't hide it from you
And you know it as I watch you from across the room
That I am unwell with no intention of wishing you well
I gave that up last week
And this poem wasn't supposed to be about you but you are as much apart of me as the pen in my hand
A medium of my discontent
The serpent in my head
This wasn't meant to offend just meant to voice what I never said to you on that hill back in the depth of spring
And I can see it now
I can watch myself drunk breaking the glass against the wall on your wedding day
Cursing your name on the stage
It's a rocky road I'm on but lately I've been feeling my age
And 18 isn't kind
And even though we once breathed in tandem I'm not ashamed to tell you that I want everything you've got
Just to burn it before your eyes
Just to make up for all the white lies we've both said in common pleasantries
It isn't you it's me
Echos through the back of my mind
I am not fine
And you know it
The disaster in the cornor of the room aiming slowly gunning for you
What a joy it is to be the town drunk on your graduation day
You can leave this town but you're still bound to your age
And it isn't pretty but I've begun to embrace the abomination that I am
The screaming mess of crooked teeth no one can **** it up like I can
I don't need you
Except to write about when the quiet nights and family dinners threaten to strangle me
I am through with quiet complacency
Through with the regret breeding in me
In this there is no peace
In this I exist inside of me
Trapped within my skin
At least I'll never let you in.

I am here (at a party I don't like)
I am there (at the scene of the accident holding my own hand)
It doesnt matter what they say it will never feel like home
It doesn't matter what they say they won't stay
It doesn't matter how you feel you'll be over it in the next few years

And I walked through the fire and watched everything I held so tight burn
Warm hearts consumed by flame and that's how I learned
That the fire's been inside of me all along
That the fight has been what's been keeping me strong
Don't tell me I'm wrong
I know
I know
I know I'm right
And you do too.
And what did you expect from me? To quietly mold into the shape you liked best
To forfeit my destiny and roll over and sit back like the rest
I am not like those other girls before
I am not going to give myself up anymore
Not going to sit back shut up watch you dictate my place
I don't know what you wanted but I'm not just another pretty face
And it may not seem like some new reveltation but I am not some gentle flame
I am not some timid child waiting for you desperately to call my name
I don't wait for anything or anyone anymore
Is my spirit still gentle? Is my love still the same?
Is the change in me frightening? because I'm not the same
I'm not the same
I'm not the same
Let the flames wrap around my limbs and take you far away from me
Let fire consume all impurities and old scars until I am free
And I am free
Free
Free to be
Free from you and free from the fear of me
I was once blind but now I see,
I am who I need to be.

Existential doubt is cool or whatever but I know I'm not the first to freak out about breath
I know I'm not the first one to even wonder what the hell is death
I don't have to be the first
I just want to be the last thing on your mind
They say you've gotta learn to loose and to bind
And it's easy to bounce around these thoughts alone in my room
But every time I attempt to let someone in its always too soon
And I could write about the shape of existence or the tension of time and space
But I'm not getting any younger and I'm a too frightened to let any time go to waste
And I'm not sure what's left for me in this little town but I'm sure I'll figure it out in time
I'm not sure who I am anymore but I am doing my best to be fine
And I wonder where I'm going to be when I see you again
If I'll be stronger and wiser or if I'll have met my end
And even now I still think about the days spent on the edge of your knife
The nights alone the mornings crying the unwilling and unrelenting life
Falling leaves graveyard scenes I lost my mind on my 18th birthday
Confused and crying in the backseat I can still taste what I couldn't say
you never wanted me anyway
And Existential doubt is cool or something but I know I'm not the first to freak out about the need for breath
I know I'm not the first one to even wonder what the hell is death
I don't have to be the first
I just want to be the last thing on your mind
The last thing you see before you go blind
I know you'll follow me down just the same.
I just want a chance to look at you and sing what I never had a chance to say:
I never asked for you anyway.

And maybe it was just your short attention span that attracted me
The idea that if I could hold your attention for longer than five minutes
I could maybe hold it for five life times.