I used to think it was important to save relationships with people
who I knew deep in my soul were no longer meant to be in my life.
It's harder when its a family member but I would rather be surrounded
by people who love me so much it's hard for me to comprehend
than force myself to be around people who truly dont care about me at all.
When you love yourself and respect yourself,
I mean truly love and respect yourself, you will have no problem
cutting ties with people who no longer help you grow as a person.
Is it painful?
Yes. It's a heartbreak.
Is is lonely?
Yes. Change is supposed to be uncomfortable.
Does it make room for people who will love you in a healthy way
and present opportunities for you to shine
and take you on adventures too magical for the mind to understand?
Yes. With every loss comes a gain you never expected.
Will it happen overnight? No.
So what do you do? You grieve, you feel, you cry, you get angry,
you fall apart and you embrace being uncomfortable for a little while.
Then one day you realize you have the opportunity to start over,
to rebuild, to rediscover yourself and before you know it you're smiling again.
You're creating art, you're dancing in the rain and laughing so hard it hurts.
You look at yourself in the mirror
and think "wow! What was supposed to break me didn't and I feel good."
Sometimes making the choice to let go of someone toxic
is the best thing you can do for yourself.
It's never easy but its extremely rewarding in the end.
I promise you that.

When I used to think of dying
I thought of the physical aspect of death
I thought of something physical happening to me
and my organs would shut down
I would stop breathing you know physically dying
I'm sure when everyone thinks of dying
that's all they think about
the physical aspect
What about dying a different way?
What about dying emotionally?
What about dying mentally and spiritually?
We are all born into a certain life that shapes us
We go through phases
we meet people and we experience things that
end up defining us
At some point we discover who we are
We discover what we love and hate
We live a life that brings us a certain joy
and all is well
What if at some point you go through something
you weren't prepared for?
Something every human faces and it changes you
to the point you die in ways you never expected?
The death to the parts of you that you once knew so well
are now so foreign that getting out of bed is no longer scary
It's terrifying
The things you used to love
no longer bring you joy
The people who once knew you
now view you as a stranger
and they make comments about how you're not the same
and you agree with them yet there is nothing you can do
to change the way things are now
Nothing looks the same
Nothing sounds the same
Nothing tastes the same
Nothing feels the same
You try to so hard to be the person you were
before your world was blown up
again by an experience all human beings face
at one point or another
For some reason though the experience changed you
in such a profound way you can't begin to explain it
You want to put into words how terrifying it is
to look in the mirror and no longer recognize yourself
You think you have an answer to the problem
You think "it's just depression.
I've been here before
so everything will be okay"
Yet you know to your core it's not depression
It is a death to the parts of you
that no longer have a place in your life
It's frustrating because you didn't choose this
You didn't want this
You weren't prepared for this but then again
no one is ever truly prepared for death
physical or otherwise
So what do you when you've died but you're still here physically?
How do you grieve the old you
when all you want is to hold onto yourself that is so familiar
yet you know there is so much more to your future self
than your past self could ever provide?
How do you heal from something so common
but to you it's world devastation?
How do you start over with a fresh perspective
with the ones you love are grieving the old you too?
They know you're not the same
Their lives have been shaped too
When I used to think of dying
I thought it was the most horrific thing in the world
and it is
What if death isn't always as horrific as we make it out to be?
What if the grief I'm deeply experiencing is the slow
birth to a version of me I could never be without this grief
and pain that has seemed to take control of my life
like a puppet on strings?
What if this grief is giving me the opportunity to love others
in a way I've never been able to before?
What if it's strengthening me to face fears
that will take me to a life I've spent years dreaming of?
Maybe everything I thought I knew turned out to be *******
and I'm just a tortured writer trying to make sense of a world
in total chaos
All I know is that I'm still here physically
I am still breathing and feeling
I am not dead
I am being reborn
and as doubtful as grief attempts to make me
I have high hopes that everything will be okay eventually

As we meandered down memory lane
You recaptured the ghost of your smile
Tonight the real you emerged
Loving, intuitive
We parted with reluctant goodbyes
The medication granted us this......
Tonight we kissed.
For one last time I knew you
The thought is like heady wine
Tonight.........
And only for tonight.......
You were mine

Some people: That's vandalism!
Other people: That's art!
Me: How the hell did they get up there?

Five and Diego being two of my favorites in The Umbrella Academy is kinda hilarious because it's like:

One of them is a brash boy whose mom makes him smiley face pancakes.

And one of them is a jaded, stone-cold badass who could **** you a thousand different ways.

AND IT'S NOT THE ONE YOU THINK IT IS.

The emptiness in everything haunts all I do
Truth behind the silence makes it hard to breathe
Fall before the morning leaves me on the floor
The goodbyes are all I hear and see

It scares me you moved on so fast
Dark beneath the hum of day
Light within has become so very small
Voice that I long for has nothing to say

And broken heart continues beating
Afraid how that can be
Scars I wear inside and out
Pain I wish would set me free