When you stare at a light in a dark room
Everything else in the room seems to disappear.
Maybe this explains why every time I look at you
The world around me seems to disappear.

A choice between two poisons
To fill up one of three-
A chance to give in to your wants
And satisfy your needs-

There's so many things I could say about you
I could go on for hours just talking about how your eyes bring me peace
or how your words help me sleep at night
I could talk about how your smile made my day better
or how your love kept me alive
But that's not what I want to say about you

Let's talk about the day you killed me
Ah, yes
The day you told me that my turn being happy had come to an end
The day you ripped my heart into a billion pieces and took each and every one with you as you left

Yesterday
It was only yesterday

How could this be
Only yesterday I had woken up so in love
And fallen asleep with the doubt of whether or not love even exists
Only yesterday you robbed me of the one thing that gave my true happiness

And today
Oh, God today

I thought things couldn't get worse but oh my was I mistaken
I woke up and for a second I didn't remember

Then it hit me
Like a tsunami had hit Japan
Like a disaster that struck America
Like a boulder you didn't hear rolling
Finally coming crashing down
Like every hope and dream I had left
Disappearing
All at once

The tears
My tears could have gave water to every dehydrated boy and ******* the planet
But instead they dripped down my cheeks
Four at a time
Craving you to wipe them away

You don't love me anymore
But dear God I've never been more in love with you
I try to keep quiet
But my soul is aching for your touch

Every second without you is torture
Every word is a trigger
Every memory is a nightmare that doesn't go away when I wake up
Every minute you don't take back what you said is another tear rolling down my neck
Or another scream in the middle of the night
Or another cut on my hip
Or another dropping of my stomach
Or another echo from where my heart used to be
Or another choking sensation in my throat

And it was only yesterday

I can not begin to imagine what the days to come will feel like
Every trigger
Every morning remembering what you did over and over again
Every person who asks how we're doing
Every tear I can never seem to hold back
Every moment I won't be able to tell you about
Every laugh you won't be there for

And there's still so many things I could say about you
I could go on for hours just talking about how your eyes bring me peace
or how your words help me sleep at night
I could talk about how your smile made my day better
or how your love kept me alive
I could spend eternity telling stories of your random acts of love
or how your kisses calmed me down
I could spend forever telling every one how amazing you are
And how much I love you

Call me a ****
I'm a ******.
Call me a ****
I was *****.
Call me a ****
I want to have ***.
Call me a ****
I *******.

Call me a ****
I fell in love.
Call me a ****
I kissed a boy.
Call me a ****
I touch myself.
Call me a ****
there's things I enjoy.

Call me a ****
he hurt me.
Call me a ****
I said no.
Call me a ****
he did it anyway.
Call me a ****
I don't know.

Call me a ****
I can hear you.
Call me a ****
scream it loud.
Call me a ****
although I might cut.
Call me a ****
like you're proud.

Call me a ****
it will hurt me.
Call me a ****
This I swear.
Call me a ****
I know it's not true.
Call me a ****
it's not fair.

Yes, I still consider myself a ******
No, I did not "kinda" lose my virginity
NO, IT DID NOT FEEL GOOD
Are we done yet?
Yes, of course, I tried to fight back
No, I really couldn't have
Yes, obviously, I said no
Are we done yet?
No, it was not "sort of" **** "I guess"
Yes, it still affects me today
No, I did not press charges, I did not want to
Are we done yet?
No, he did not use a ******
Yes, there was a pregnancy scare
No, he was not willing to support the baby
Are we done yet?
Yes, I have told people
No, I would never consider pressing charges
Yes, I was fourteen
Are we done yet?
Yes, I know, you all told me to be careful
No, he does not text me anymore
Yes, I have lied to doctors
Are we done yet?
Yes, this conversation makes me uncomfortable
No, I will not say "no" when you ask if I want to continue
Yes, I want to stop, but "no" has lost its meaning to me
I am done now.

Here is a jumbo sized "*******" to my ******
Three years, countless breakdowns, a broken person, and one friend request later...
Here we are
Social media is deliberate, you adding me was deliberate
Do you know you are a ******?
I did not consent to you on that eerie February night
I will not consent to your friend request today
I ask you; what could you make out of seeing my profile?
You have already violated by insides, you have violated my heart, my mind, my body
Do not seek a response from me, I have myself to take care of
When I saw your name, I was surprised I did not cry
Animalistic and intentional, all I can think is "how dare you"
Actively "add friend", *******
I am at a loss for words
I am incapable of rationalizing this
Who do you think you are?
Stare at my profile picture now,
My eyes are sadder
My smile less pure
My demeanor more awkward
all resulting from the night you were a bandit
the night you stole me
stare at my picture and figure out who I am now
I certainly won't look at yours

Every bruise
Is an unanswered cry for help.

Every burn
Is another failure.

Every scar
Is a lost battle in a war I am not winning.

Every tear
Is a promise you did not keep.

Every sleepless night
Is a journey I am helplessly left on alone.

Every poem
Is an ignored suicide note.

Every pill
Is one step closer to being free.