I found myself on the floor in a gas station bathroom at 2 am trying to find the person I used to be. The last time I was here was when my mother told me that the person who loves me the least will show it with their hands and the girl who broke my heart had bruised every part of me that she touched for 9 months.
I tried putting the razor down I tried to stop drinking I tried to stop taking pills I tried I tried I tried and still couldn't find the self worth that I knew I ******* deserved to stop.
Giving up on yourself isn't easy when you now love a girl who makes the self rot inside your heart bloom with every beautiful flower imaginable. With trembling hands I touched her silhouette and a year later I still can't stop shaking from the impact she left on me. My breath catches in my lungs when she laughs and my lips curl into a smile every time she calls me baby, ridiculously cheesy I know, but I'd be lying if it wasn't real. And that's what we are, we're real and she's here like you never were.
It hurts to be human but I was put on this earth to love, even though I was taught that this love was a sin, so let me give you all of me so I won't throw myself away to societal values and beliefs and let me be me for once.
I have so much of me to give and I'm afraid if you leave that there will be nothing left, that my name will be whispered under your breath like you were ashamed to have ever loved a natural disaster. And just like a natural disaster, I destroy everything in my path, I've hurt others because the pieces of me that used to care were taken by others and now I just don't give a ****. While destroying others I destroyed myself trying to find the peace of mind I used to have before my dad left and before my grandma died and before I knew I loved everyone a little too deeply and before I found relief in straight lines and bruises and emptiness and it's all too ******* much for someone my age to be dealing with and I'm searching for my escape in the bathroom at a gas station at 2 am.

I can count on my fingers the boys with rough hands traveling up my skirt with their tongues down my throat that only knew how to destroy girls. I can close my eyes and see the girls with soft skin that smelt of cheap wine that spoke the sweetest words to me, but only wanted me as their secret or play toy.
I have started to self destruct, beating my fists on walls until they turn black and blue because I can no longer stand on my own with with these hollow bones and broken lungs.
I try and not think of you when the chorus picks up in that song or when the sun kisses the sky goodnight before it sleeps or when I'm staring at the bottom of the bottle but you're there you're there you're there
and there have been pills and pills and pills prescribed for my failing heart, but I've been smoking my cigarettes not giving a **** about the bomb about to go off inside me. My skin has become tighter around my chest, counting ribs like the days you'd told me you'd stay.
I fell for you again but I am always the other girl I am second I am last I am nothing
I find love in straight lines and giving away the parts of me that should only be for you or for me but my body is not a temple and you are not going to worship it, so why should I?
My first meal in weeks was a bottle of my moms prozac and I found myself behind the wheel driving past the bus stop where you first told me you loved me, not realizing what those three words meant to me. Why my foot pressed down on the gas and why I turned down your street will always make me question my sanity, but I closed my eyes until I heard sirens and your voice whispering my name.
I miss the comfort in your voice, but if you look at the moon and think of her too, leave me at the side of the road like so many before have because I am tired of being the other girl and I am tired of feeling trapped in three words that mean far too much to me.

The kind of girl to down shots of ***** and strangle your name on other peoples lips.
The kind of girl to keep you up at night praying to a god you've never believed in just for him to look over his creation once more, she can't love oh Heavenly Father she can not love. Let her love me.
The kind of girl to kiss after every accidental 'I love you' you managed to cough out in ****** words because God knows this kind of girl is the kind to run when spending the night in his bed gets brought up
The kind of girl to dig her nails into her own skin to keep from killing everything she is, everything she's feared she could be.
The kind of girl to dress her curves in all black and leave her lipstick stain all over your shirt

I learned that love was sarcastic and love yelled when love wanted to.
I learned that love wasn't always happy but it was always beautiful.
I learned that the way love screamed your name at the top of its lungs and the way love laughed at your jokes even when they weren't funny that love really loved you.
I learned that love can come in many different forms, love can be peaceful, love can be hectic, but nobody can define love because it's never the same no matter where you go.
I learned that love doesn't always last and when love leaves love doesn't have mercy on your heart, love drags a blade across your chest and leaves you to drown in it.

And everything's perfect and everything's okay but now she keeps saying she's fine do you know what fine means fine means she can't bring herself to push the blade a little deeper therefore she's just fine because she know she isn't gonna die tonight.
Because when they ask how you are they're only asking so it's not on their conscience when your moms on the phone crying because you weren't just fine anymore and you crossed the ******* line and you pushed that blade a little ******* deeper and you took all your moms oxy and you swallowed all the ***** and now you're 6 feet under and your mom keeps telling everyone that you were the perfect daughter but when you were alive she couldn't even make eye contact with you

To belong to something as beautiful as the sea offers a peace that jumping just might bring
To be a part of the waves your body so much craves and to linger in the waters everytime you soak your feet my touch hides beneath the sand so bury your hands as deep as you can my love hides in the sun so never stray from the light and my soul lives in the ocean so swallow the water and pretend I'm there with you tonight.

I thought of falling in love and your hands trace my thoughts like every word I mutter could mean everything at that moment and I live in constant demand of your arms around my waist and your lips pressed against my neck yet I runaway every time I get close enough to feel your breath
but the further I run the closer you pull me in never letting me get far enough away to forget your name completely and my lips only know two tastes anymore and it's ***** strung with your name
while I repetitively try to wash the stain you leave behind but it only keeps growing and you're not even here, yet I can feel your hands on my skin and I'm tearing at everything, trying to break free of your arms when all I wanna do is fall into you