I opened up to you
when I told you what happened to me all those years ago,
I could see the heartbreak in you eyes.
I could feel your soul hurt for me while you struggled to find the words so you could apologize for another mans crime.
But I am not my past, and I am not what happened to me.
I am not glass, and I am not a delicate flower.
I'm a person, and people can heal.

my grandma was addicted to cigarettes and pain killers
my grandpa was addicted to alcohol,
my mother was addicted to being praised,
my father was addicted to pride,
my family was addicted to addiction.

I swore I would never depend on something so violently as they do.

But here I am.

addicted to you.

your hands are huge
mine look like baby hands next to them
I expected them to feel rough and demanding
but they are soft and sweet

your mouth was silent
so I seemed loud next to you
I expected your few words to be cold and sharp
but they are warm and safe

you're extremely tall
I look like a kid standing next to you
I thought you were intimidating
but you are kind and gentle

you are nothing like I thought you would be.

I could smell the rain this morning when I woke up.
so I wasn't surprised when it started pouring after work tonight.

I always want to go to bed when I get off at 10 on friday night
so I wasn't surprised when I had to drink coffee to stay up

I've never liked bowling with all our friends so late.
so it surprises me that I still force myself to go.

I knew you and I were always early to the bowling alley.
so I wasn't surprised when we were the only people there for the first round.

I could feel myself overthinking everything while we waited for friends.
so I wasn't surprised when I began feeling anxious next to you.

I've seen you bowl before.
but im always surprised at how graceful you look doing it.

I know I like you.
and it bothers me because of how badly I don't want to.

you're smoke.
beautiful.
mesmerizing.
soft and delicate.

you're smoke.
impossible to touch,
to capture,
to feel.

you're smoke.
because even though
you're enchanting
and I can't grasp you,

you suffocate me.
you make it hard for me to breath.
you're harmful
and you seep into every inch of my lungs

you're smoke
and all I want to do is breath you in.

"no one needs me"
I think to myself
and I stop to turn
at my best friend curled up beside me in bed
he's a lot bigger than me
and a lot harrier than me
but he still needs me
he loves me unconditionally
and wants to play around all the time
his favorite thing to do is go on relaxing walks together
he's a good boy
and he needs me
and it turns out,
I need him too
even if he is just a dog to others
he's what keeps me going
he's my best friend
and now he's awake, licking my face
to remind me I am loved