self-isolation
My mum tells me to leave the house more often and it’s not that I don’t want to it’s just that I can’t because the thought of only doing so makes my knees go weak but she keeps telling me to “just” meet up with friends.

2. not finding joy in what used to make you happy
It’s not that I don’t make plans with friends, because I do, it’s just that I don’t want to because I know that, as soon as I’m out doing things that used to make me happy and are supposed to still make me happy, I will have to pretend that I am, in fact, happy.
And it is exhausting.

3. insomnia
You tell me to sleep more because I look tired as if I am not aware of the bags under my eyes. You do not realise that they feel even worse than they look. You do not know that I am in bed early every single night because I do feel tired I just can’t sleep. Even though I am tired and my body is tired, my brain never is and I have tried reading and taking walks in the middle of the night and listing and counting sheep and insecurities and defeat and crushed wishes and possible ways to die.

4. thinking of death as “nothing big”
What scares most people is what intrigues me. I often find myself considering crossing the road right when a car rushes by or simply jumping out the window when I find myself in high buildings. It’s not that I want to die, it’s more that I am fascinated by how easy it is, opposed to everything else in life.

5. things that are supposed to be easy aren’t so easy any more
The biggest one is getting out of bed, I believe.
I have learned to put my alarm fifteen minutes earlier to let my brain and body accustom to the idea of having to face things that I don’t even know are going to happen. The fear of having to face the unknown is like a constant winter, freezing my throat shut and making breathing a whole lot more difficult than it is supposed to be.

6. being very aware of your breathing and heartbeat**
I never noticed how natural breathing was until I started to have trouble doing so. Now it just feels as though my lungs and my heart are in a constant fight to decipher which is the strongest which leaves me in a constant battle of having to focus on my breathing whilst my heart is making me feel as though someone is repeatedly punching me from the inside.
I know none of it makes sense and even if I try to explain it all to you, you will still tell me you don’t understand. But frankly, neither do I.

Being so aware of my breathing and heartbeat also makes me aware of the fact that they are still going, and that is really the only thing that matters in the end.
They are still going.

You have to stop looking at me as if I am the only thing your eyes can look at and you'd go mad if you were to look somewhere else because when it comes down to it all you do is run away and leave me behind with my skin burned by your stare.

Over time I've learned that happiness is only a temporary thing, and the better you feel the worse the "relapse" is, which kind of really *****, since I'd much rather spend my time feeling as though I am the sun instead of having to hide away because the sun is too bright for me.

it was early
too early
and something felt odd
and whilst her lips were
awake and thirsty
for more
anything
her mind was still off
elsewhere
and whilst het feet were
up to help out
her lips
her mind was still off
elsewhere
and she wanted to
go back to sleep
and be one with the
city again
just like she was
when they were both still
awake

the memory of
the blue in her eyes made
drowning in a dark blue
ocean an experience worth
living for

You are always second guessing
yourself, you are full of things that
are unfinished and unsent and I
wonder how many times love has
only seen the world from behind
your teeth because you never
found courage to say it. I want to
know the secrets your backspace
holds because sometimes I think
the reason you’re misunderstood
is just because the things you feel
so clearly only make it to the tip
of your tongue before you swallow
them back down
.

I would be happy to hold the words for you
if they're too heavy
or sharp
I would be happy to carry the world for you
if ever you drown
or can't find the beauty
in oblivion
or in yourself

don't forget I will always

Er is geen enkele reden om kwaad te zijn op jezelf voor wie je bent of wat je doet. Er zijn meerdere oorzaken en gebeurtenissen die je vormden naar de persoon die je nu bent. Geen enkele van die hele lijst bevat jezelf.