I have these dark shadows in my head
like demons making everything that is good disappear.
I’ve always just tried ignoring them, thinking they were no big deal. Sometimes I gave in, letting a tear escape but quickly hiding it…
They’re like tigers, you can’t show them fear, it will only make them more confident and stronger.
But, in the end, the tears always come out anyway. As if by some means the flood of tears is trying to out win and overflow the shadows.

silly little me should know better than that,
I can’t just drown my demons;
they know how to swim.

Am I alive? I guess…
I am breathing to get my brain enough oxygen to function and tell my heart to keep pumping blood through my veins.
So yes I am alive.

The question whether I am living is something else though.
Do I wake up every morning with a smile on my face, excited for what the coming day holds for me?
Do i enjoy my daily routine spent in school, exhausting my brain so I can get a sheet that states I am smart enough for the future?
Do I long to go out with friends, meet new people and discover the world?
Do I take matters in my own hands once in a while to change things up?

I guess I don’t. Does that mean I’m more surviving than I am living?
Living is not a necessity, you see, it just makes being alive a little easier.

Little people understand what it is like to suffer mental issues. They do not realize what it is like to go out with friends and to constanly remind yourself that you can not forget to smile because that might caught suspision.
They wonder why people drink to forget or why they don’t just get help. Or question the ability of people to actually hurt themselves.
I think that’s a good thing, there is no reason to understand this.
Having a constant real smile on your face is a good thing, not having to worry about people thinking you’re not ok because you are.
They can drink for fun because there is nothing they need to forget and they always have someone to turn to. Best of all they don’t understand how someone can be so desperate to feel that they would hurt themselves…

I think that’s brilliant. Without a little ignorance, this world would be a total wreck.
Thank God for ignorance, it’s what keeps the happy alive.

your smile
made
my lungs
fill with
flowers
and although
they are
beautiful
I can't
seem to
*******
breathe.

your fingers are like
matches
setting every piece of skin
they touch
on fire

burning all the bad
words ever said
making me believe
the words your movements
express
beautiful

it is weird to feel something
i have never felt before
i discover nerve endings
i never even thought
existed
but your fingers
find them
beautiful

our bodies
fit perfectly
as if your hands
formed me to fit yours
mashing together as one
beautiful

i feel it at every piece of skin
your hands skimmed
i feel
*beautiful

I can feel the world on my
shoulders and I
struggle to breathe
as much as I want to
I can't seem to get any
oxigen in
I try to think clear
but the rumbling of my
confidence
is making too much sound
is this what
they want from me
to live in fear
to know about my
future
is this
really
what they want?

I was told that a simple
painkiller
would numb the pain
in my head
sometimes two if
unbearable

but I have taken
eleven already
and I can still hear
the voices telling me
how much of a
failure I am
and it hurts

and I have taken twelve already
and it's all lies
the voices
keep going

thirteen
I can't feel my hands
anymore

fourteen
why didn't anyone help
me when I tried
to scream

fifteen
they were supposed to
numb
the voices
not my
voice

*sixt …