I draw
I draw a face
Is it yours?
No, not exactly

Because I draw from memory
And my memories are weak
I'm sorry
I have no pictures of your smiling face

I draw
I draw a bird
No, not a crow
A raven
Very different birds.

I don't draw it dark enough
I'm too scared
If it's too dark,  there's no going back
Don't touch the 9b

I draw
I draw a storm
Not my storm, no
Just a storm

Wreaking through the houses
The walls
The roof
Just to get to you
And I let it

I draw
I draw a mountain
That I will not climb
I refuse, it's too big

A mountain of my fears is always too big
I don't wish to try
To climb
The things I cannot control

I draw
I draw tears
Tears that were mine
But no longer Belong to me

The tears for you that I shed
The tears I wish I did not have
The tears rolling in the back of my head
The tears wishing you never bleed

I draw

She was your water,
But I could see the salt.

She was your heartbeat,
But I'd spilled the blood.

She was your siren,
But I was the shipmate.

She was your song,
But I knew all the words.

She was your heaven,
But I'd faced the hell.

She was your star,
But I could feel the heat.

She was the moon,
And I was Mercury.

I was always closer,
But she always felt the light.

I was your best friend,
But she was yours.

Life is like a suicide hike,
Although it's a beautiful trail
It's scary to think one day we'll fall.
We fall because we walk on edges,
Some worth walking on, some not.
Ultimately, we learn from both.


Be careful who you choose to walk with,
Be careful who you choose to sit with.
Because they may just push you off
And way down you'll be falling down.
But sometimes it wasn't them who pushed you off
But it was them you thought would help you up.


And when we've hit our lowest point in life
We start looking for the root of our pain,
But it's dark and empty, it stings we feel lost.
It's no paradise down here, the pain feeds on our strength.
It's a tragic accident that breaks all of our bones.
With no paramedics or anesthesia, we've got to operate ourselves.
We don't know which injury is killing us more,
But we know a slow death is coming for us.
Our blood no more, regret is what the heart pumps now,
We scream and cry away our mistakes
But down here is a curse playing our fall in a loop,


I don't know when it stops
I'm drowning myself in my pain.
I've stained my soul with too much hate
I'm no longer the person who I used to be.
I've been down in the dark for too many days  
But when I start my hike again  
I hope to go further than yesterday.

I looked for love,

In high language novels read by men who always wear big glasses, and bigger intellectual endeavors.

In independent films with moody pianists for protagonists, or extravagant detectives, or mad prophets.

In the disappointments of post-12 AM conversations with strangers smoking outside an underground theater.



I looked for love,

In old photographs with brown spots, and wrinkled covers of vinyl records.

In candles with mysteriously inviting names, like “white musk” and “black forest".

In dictionaries that show how nostalgia and exoticism are alike: a longing for the imaginary.



I looked for love,

In between the lines, and tucked into metaphors.

In the closet where I used to hide as a child

In everywhere except for the coffee shop in plain sight where a 23 year old goes to have coffee, and write about how love is nowhere to be found.

I had my first dream last night that you weren't in.
not even a minor character,
your ****** name wasn't even in the credits,
let alone plastered across the sky in flashing lights
like you want it to be.
my first reality that you didn't belong in,
and it was the most blissful peace that I can remember since we bathed in pools of cloud.

I heard the first song that didn't make me think of you yesterday.
the lyrics, for once, were just lyrics,
not an embodiment of you and the things you do.
guess what?
it was coldplay.
you always hated coldplay.

this morning, I basked in the sun and didn't picture you coated in gold light beside me.
I didn't look at the leaves adorning the trees and picture your face laughing beneath it.

I didn't trace the plate lines of my palm and imagine the earthquake we used to create when yours collided with mine.

I didn't eat new food that I wanted you to try and I didn't want to share the smallest details of my day with you.

you may have won this poem, loverboy,
but don't be too triumphant.
your victory won't last long.
it's the era of my new beginnings without you and I'm going to be just fine.