i don't know why i'm not ******* over you
maybe it's because we never really had an ending
cuz ya know
you just stopped talking to me
you just didn't say a word to me when i sat down beside you
you just didn't say a word while i cried beside you
you didn't even look at me
it was if i never existed to you to begin with
and that ******* hurt
and it kept hurting
because it was like i never mattered to begin with
like i was so insignificant you could drop me from your mind in a second
i guess you really are the only boy i ever liked more
i don't know what i'm looking to gain from this
maybe i just want you to tell me that i did never matter
maybe then i can finally hate you for real
because it's hard to miss those you hate

love,
delilah

Sometimes I feel like I'm completely passed it all,
Sometimes I stare out the window and watch rain fall,
Sometimes I listen to John Denver and sometimes Lil Peep,
Sometimes the pain is so awful I can not fall sleep,
Sometimes I talk about the very first time I fell in love,
Sometimes I talk about emotions and how they're disposed of,
Sometimes I realize that I am still falling,
Not asleep, but into silent dread, appalling,
Sometimes this silent dread is love and sometimes it's the future,
Sometimes I love life, but usually wish death would come sooner.

I remember the day I came to meet you for the first time in early August,
I remember being invited back at least once every week for two and a half months,
I remember the special look you gave me and what it meant,
I remember how you sought human contact around me and how you acted henceforth,
I remember the awkward sliding beneath my legs and how it became a norm,
I remember the unrelenting clinginess that I so desired,
I remember you grabbing me by the arm and taking me somewhere nobody could find us,
I remember the moistness of your lips against mine,
I remember the full weight of your body on mine as you nestled against me,
I remember the regret you felt,
I remember the regret i felt once I perceived your shame,
I remember the persistent, yet subtle avoidance,
And I still come across your circumvention resulting in mass amounts of pain to this day.

i hate you

i hate the way you smile to yourself like the world inside your head is constantly better than the world with me in it

i hate the way you tap along to silent beats as if your ears are flooded with better melodies than my voice

i hate the way you roam these halls as if you're looking to float away from me

i hate the way you fill your notebook with tales where you're the sole heroine as though i'm not here as well

i hate the way you make me wanna be selfish

making me want to busy your mind with me

making me want to be what you smile to yourself about

making me want to hold you down so you can't tap along to the beat of someone else's heart

making me want to hold your hand like an anchor because you can't leave just yet

making me want to write a world in which it's you and i against the odds

making me want to paint over your heart so no one else can find it

i hate loving you

because loving you is far too consuming

because loving you seems so single sided

because loving you means loving a ticking time-bomb
ticking away until you finally disappear
and you tell me it's not me you're looking to leave
but if that were true
you'd think you'd invite me to disappear as well


i hate that i love you