a body filled with familiar dread
you might say my body is already dead
my head is said to be quite fretful
took moments of quietude for granted;
and now i’m constantly regretful

the restlessness of my emotions
address my state of mind
and the distressed thoughts run around my head like guerrilas
they know they are running out of time
my jittery heart runs rampant
like a broken clock
and my only wish is for all of this to stop

the apprehension creates a detonation
a complete eradication of my elation
because my body is filled with familiar dread
and my body feels like it’s already dead

i do not want to ruin myself,
but at the same time i’d
ruin myself
completely
just to feel love again.

i don’t like how fast time flies.
one moment you have somebody
and the next you find yourself
reminiscing over moments that
went by so quickly they appeared
to not even be there at all.

was it like that with me for you?
was i just a fragment of a second
in your entire lifetime?
was i somebody that was out of focus
in an already blurry world?
remember the image of me,
even if that image is one
you cannot remember.
even if it is one you try to distort
at night, and clear your head of.

and now look at where we are.
once intertwined,
we stand separately and
watch the years go by.
it seemed like yesterday that i
was in your arms, and you
had still loved me the way
you say you never did, now.
our wounds are not masked by the time.
no matter how much we try to
hide and heal them,
we both are aware of the chaos we have
caused each other.
and we both do nothing about it.
all we do is let the countless minutes
take over us as we wish things didn’t
turn out the way it did.

i don’t like how fast time flies.
because i have lost memories with you
to the tide of seconds in between us.
i drown in remorse as you create new ones.
and i can only question;
does the time tick away anxiously for you too?

have you ever had anyone that you were so
immensely infatuated with?
to the point of no return,
where when you look into their eyes you feel as if
you’ve climbed the highest mountain in the whole universe;
a feeling of victory, satisfaction, and relief.
because you’ve finally found a person
who completes you.
because you’ve finally found a person
who shows you life, so vividly and so creatively.
even in the simplest of times,
things drip with color and radiate with meaning.
and in times of anger, confusion, and doubt,
those colors never go away.
the meaning of it all never goes away.

they define everything,
yet no silly formulation of vowels and consonants
could ever define them.
they and the feeling you get from them
is truly ineffable.
someone who you know in and out,
and someone really understands you.
they’re someone who you can experience life with, in many ways.
every moment in time that you share with them is always valuable.
no matter what you do, or where you go,
they diffuse a sense of contagious tranquility and joy.
the time spent with them is a type of happiness that money cannot buy.

maybe that’s why it hurts so deeply when things go south.
you’ve lost something that the world has made only one of.
it’s a grieving feeling, because you know that
the feeling is something that can never be brought back.
you know that the presence that was so engraved in your life is gone.
you’ve lost someone who made the unexplainable make sense.
you’ve lost someone who you thought you’d grow old with.
the swelling of your heart has grown empty.
and life returns back to its dull and hazy ways.

the rise, and the fall.
living life with someone,
and being alive with someone.
it’s a broad topic and feeling
that can only be defined by two words:
true romance.
now tell me, have you ever had that?

my heart is in pain
it is not because of what you have done
it is because of what i didn’t do
out of fear of you leaving
even after you hurt me once again

my progression starts now

this time,
i will not tell myself that i am overreacting
this time,
i will not blame myself for things that you have done
this time,
i will not hide my feelings
to protect your hollow heart
this time i will move on
and leave you to fall apart

though i had to learn this the hard way,
my advice to you;
do not let your problems control you
do not let your guilt dominate you
understand where you stand
take responsibility
so you don’t leave your next beloved
fearing your absence
rather than
loving your presence

they say love will always start with illusion
but as we had made our way home
the streetlights had shined on
what was really on the inside
it shined on your soul
and its shadows covered
all of the doubts
that i ever had

it was almost an instinct
because when i had looked over
and saw you in the midst of
your tranquility
you beamed and bloomed with colors
that i swore i’d never seen before
everything had gracefully clicked
and fallen in the very right place

i had promised myself, then
that my love for you
would go on until the end of time
even if yours didn’t
even if your love was meant
for someone else
i had devoted myself to you,
i wanted to give you all of me
and i wanted to be the one to give you
the love you had always deserved

in that moment
was a compilation of every other moment
that lead to this one
that lead to me realizing
that it was you
who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with

yearning for you
my mind knows better than to love you
but you are the only thing that keeps me afloat this sorrow sea
full of hatred to those who let me drown
though you hold me
i can see you growing tired
i am wary of you now
knowing that you are on the brink
of letting the waves take over

i no longer yearn for you
my heart chooses to ignore the icy waters
and create its own raft made of lost love letters
i decided to never show to you
though i wish for you to never let go
i cannot trust you to keep me around
so i sit upon the raft of forgotten words of affection
and i find my own way to survive

they say to follow your heart
since it is closer to your gut
but i will not follow
what has been broken before
for the very same reasons as now

never will i thrive off of this love
not when i know that it is unequal