beautiful blue
the sky seems everlasting above me
the clouds desperately reach for each other
like they may never meet again
like they may never feel love again

i sympathize with them
the longing for love
the yearning of partnership
my perception of what that is
forever twisted by this shadow
casted upon my life

why cant i be happy?
why do the people who
are supposed to love me
despise me?
i am reduced to bones by their deductions
i am nothing but a shell of their projections
ive been persecuted to this living hell
with their reprehensions

i look to the eternal sky
standing on the edge
nobody knows what resides in my head
maybe its better that way
my thoughts need not be said
a choice between two paths
to be alive or to be dead

what is the meaning
behind all this commotion?
i unravel my feelings
and regain my devotion
to deciphering the thing
we call our emotions

i pick and poke at them
in a familiar notion
i guess some would call
a deprived locomotion
despite the fear
of what i may find
i begin to finally
dissect my mind

somehow and some way
i find my composure
surrounded by physical manifestations
of whatever’s left over
the sadness and pain
the disappointment and shame

i find a sacred meaning
in all of this commotion
i look at myself
and im filled with devotion
i allow myself to feel
these emotions

and just like a storm
they eventually pass
the peace i sought
setting in at last
the sun begins to rise
reminding me that its okay
as i begin to look forward
to a brighter day

i will not allow my fear to guide me anymore.

our love was the morning sky
courageously pink and quietly blue
seemingly everlasting and sincere
daring, to say the least

our love was the sounds of chicago
trains rumbling and music thumping
people talking, cars mumbling
us walking, hand in hand

i cant seem to get you out of my head

our love was us naively believing in each other
us sitting in my room, or yours
our bodies molded together like clay
and our souls embracing each other
in the comforting atmosphere
alongside the setting sky
framed by the window

our love was our favorite movies and shows
and the late nights we embarked on
watching every single one of them
our tired eyes and tired beings
resting on each other

and i now find it funny,
because in those loving moments,
i remember thinking
“i dont want these memories to fade”,
“i dont want our love to disappear”,

and now im desperately holding onto
whatever visual resides in my head,
your face is getting blurry,
your voice is becoming hazier,
my heart is sinking deeper
as all the colors mix into
the darkened hue of sadness
that is your departure

our love is this song
that rings in my ears late at night
it posseses a beautiful and humbling,
yet terrifyingly isolative melody
as my heart and mind conjoin
to accept this new reality

i will love you forever
as your ghost remains in my head
but everyday i cant help but wonder
“what could we have done, instead?”

i saw your face in a dream of mine
your hair so familiar, your gentle grin
your skin softly lit, your words blurry,
but meaningful
i fell in love immediately,
there was no such thing as time
i wanted to make you mine
but for some reason i couldn’t speak
my lips and wary limbs felt weak
being in your presence made me meek
but it was alright, because your voice
filled the space where mine was supposed
to meet

i don’t remember your face in
this conscious life
but your pacific ambience lingers
in the folds of my mind

i hope to meet you one day
so i can admire your face
and treasure your rambles
outside the subconscious traces
of my lonely imagination

i dont think you understand
the quiet turmoil in my mind
every second feels like an hour
and every hour feels like nine
im spiraling
falling down the rabbit hole
of what not to do, what not to be
what not to think, what not to dream

i romanticize the darker things
the ugly things, the crueler things,
the taboo aspects of life
im fixated on you
as an answer to all questions,
as an end to all my strife

you are my biggest secret,
my fondest promise,
my disheartening delight,
my comfort in the unknown,
and my conclusion of the night

as much as i hate to say it
youve always brought me the most
fellow feelings,
the most solace,
and the most reassurance
you are always my last option,
you are the devil on my shoulder

its a sad thing, really
that you will ultimately be the end of me.

my heart walks along a new path,
a road filled with cracks and certainty
in the hope that time does heal all wounds,
and that one day i will fall in love again.

this path seems solemn and lonely.
my state of mind more introspective
and versatile
with only the gentle whispers of the wind
to accompany my racing thoughts.
the fresh air soothes my wary frame
and embraces my soul within.

its hard not having you around,
to ramble to, to laugh with, to be present with;
as i am reminded of your absence
in the presence of my solitude.

but ive grown to find the grueling process
to be a beautiful one.
because with pain and sorrow i was exposed
to the depth and magnitude of my essence.
i was introduced to myself as you simply
mirrored my reflection back to me.

i realized i was always whole.
i was always here.
and ill still be here after youve gone.

an independent incarnation of
all my past lives lessons,
and all my futures regrets.

i am all.
i am the universe personified.

youarenothereanymore,
but the ringing of your voice
comes around occasionally.
you are a face that i cannot
getoutofmyhead.
no matter how many times
i try to eradicate the thoughts that
linger,
they sneak through the cracks and
infectmymind
once again.
you are like a stain on my favorite shirt,
no matter how noticeable you are,
i cannot gather up the courage
to throw you out.
my mind is at a constant war,
but in the end i know that i need to forget you.

youarenothereanymore,
but you are still hurting me.