Elliott

Elliott Jun 2017

Holy
Holy
s-these aren't words to say in church.

A flower bloomed in your hair as I
told you
I loved you. your
chest rose up to my face as i lay,
lifeless,
you had taken my breath away.

The tattered book scattered through
my mind as you whisper
jesusjesusjesus
into the night’s ears.

I remember winning bible study challenge
in fifth grade
then losing my faith in eighth,
I can honestly now say,

jesus christ,

you calling out my name
you calling out his name
brought me back.
Temporarily.

I can never sleep at night

#lgbt #lesbian #queer #wlw #sapphic #romantic #religion #spilledink #love

Elliott Jun 2017

Ugh.

I drink you up,
as if I
could drink
to the bottom
of the bottle
of whatever you told me you are.

You taste sweet,
like the type of chocolate
your eyes remind me of.

I touch my mouth
with my tongue,
The feeling of something sweet
hasn't been there a long time.
It feels like my first cavity.

I touch my heart with feeling,
I touch my spine with fear,
I let you win in a debate,
I wanted to make sure
I hadn't gone soft.

You look beautiful.

Jealously isn't my thing

#love #lgbt #lesbian #queer #romantic #sweet

Elliott Jun 2017

My Thoughts on Hell

"It was just a joke, stop being so serious."

I haven't been to church since I was 14.

At age 7,
I was introduced to my new baptist church.
I recited scriptures and played game and was always excited to go.

At age 12,
I was heading into middle school and won the church's bible challenge.
I was queer, I was Christian, I was unexcited to go to church.
It felt like everyone was staring.

When I was 13,
I had my first kiss with a girl,
my first major girl crush,
my first run in with homophobia.
My classmate said **** off with someone else,
my church said mothers should protect their children from homosexuality.
I wondered what was wrong with that.
When I was 13,
I watched my mother clap to the pastor not knowing she had one.
I watched the youth church pastor make fun of queer kids, not knowing he had some in the room.
I watched a girl I knew was gay clap along like she wasn't one of them
-one of us.
When I was 13,
I watched my first crush date my best friend,
she didn't want anyone to know she was gay.
When I was 13,
I came out to my family.

When I was 14,
I went to church for one last time,
A woman prayed the devil take this phase out of me, and put the holy spirit in.
I broke down in Walmart afterwards.

My mother said I never had to go back to that church again.
I still have some dreams about it.

When I was 15,
I declared no religion, I declared no ties to anyone.
I was just black & queer.

Churches make me nervous

#pose #lesbian #queer #lgbt #sad #depression #hurt #hatred #fear #homophobia

Elliott Jun 2017

I'm Running out of Music

People have ruined so many songs for me,
I hope yours is the one I get to play for the rest of my life.

I need more songs.

#lesbian #lgbt #love #romantic #queer #lesbianpoetry #music #sad #hope

Elliott Jun 2017

Baritone

Kisses land all over your body
like raindrops.
Your breathe
reminds me of when I first started playing music,
a metronome played on beat,
as you breathed in rhythm,
in time.

I dreamt of this,
many times in
late conversations.
I dreamt of kissing you,
our hearts never synchronized
but right on
Our respected parts.

sigh

#band #romantic #lgbt #queer #wlw #music #spilledink #dreams #daydreaming

Elliott Jun 2017

Feelings Have No Chill

You’ve traveled to the corners of my mind and into my deepest thoughts.
I never thought anyone would make it that far without ever touching me.

You’ve blushed at the way I put these words together, and
trust me, if you let me keep this up it can go on forever.

And I don’t mean forever as we’ll be together
forever
because I know for a fact
the statistics about high school couples,
I looked them up. Perhaps I’m being presumptuous.

Perhaps I’m thinking too far ahead, because you haven’t even
asked me on a date yet and I’m thinking of you past friendly,
going to poetry written about you,
talk about hitting on you like you were my woman crush Wednesday
but I can't anymore,
You're my woman crush everyday.

I listen to love poems as if they were meant for me and you and
golly gee if I could,
I’d paint a thousand portraits,
take up my whole SD card in my camera,
Just so you see your beauty in my eyes

Dye my hair into your favorite color
because it puts me closer to you.

I hardly feel lonely anymore.
You’re in the shadows of my poetry, the goal for 2018,
I can’t wait to get honor roll so you can give me that hug and say
you’re proud, because that’s all the motivation I need.

And can I just say,
my medication alters my mood, but it never alters it enough for me to forget what makes me happy naturally,
what makes me smile when I can’t seem to do it myself; will you be my
daily dose of prozac?
Doctors prescribed 50 ml grams a day but 50 minutes a day hearing you say my name is good enough too.

You’ve gotten me down to a science.
I sutter thinking about you asking me on a date and you
blush at me telling you the truth;
what does that tell us about our past lovers?

Is it alright I see you covered in a sweet truth over romanticized by my words?
Is it alright I say your name like Christians talk about Jesus and hope on our seventh day we create passion?

Jesus Christ,
if you were a word,
you’d be whatever means indescribable feeling between two people;

if you were a song I’d like you to be My Girl,

if I were a ship I’d be the love boat
because I’m making another round tonight and you are welcome aboard, you are always welcome

because I am in trouble & you like that.
You love me being in this kind of trouble.
To you, it means I’m already yours.

I like you already but
if you let me I could fall in
deep, deep liking
for you.
I need you to stop doing whatever it is you are, because if you don’t, one of us will mess around and fall in love.

Sigh

#lgbt #romantic #crush #liking #adoration #wlw #sapphic #spilledink

Elliott Jun 2017

female, but not a Girl.

I’m stuck between
girl and boy.

I,
a person whose stood tall
against the patriarch like
it was a height rod,

was stuck between becoming
the Woman i never wanted to be
and the man i’ll never become.

I,
the first female child

In those fakely supportive
christ loving houses,

the third to come out of my mother’s womb

Was not a girl, not a woman

Not a boy, not a man

But still female.

Sigh

#lgbt #trans #queer #hurt #spilledink #late #between