Is love not supposed to come in the form of abuse
Am I not supposed to accept every repeated excuse
When you say you love me
Is it intended to be true
Because you want me to say it back
Like the only person for me is you
But the only person for you is who you want it to be
And sometimes it's her
And sometimes it's me
Sometimes I wish I could just be free
But you have this grasp that i can't escape
I love you so much, yet it feels like hate
I tried so hard to be the one you needed
I gave all I had and still never succeeded
You keep saying you love me
But at what point will you mean it
I keep saying I love you
But now I dont think I mean it

Hi, God. I'd tell you how I've been, but I know you already know. I wish I could lie and tell you I've been good. That everything is perfect and happiness is just beaming from my permanent smile. Those are superfluous words though. And there's no sense wasting our time on matters that don't exist.

I've been wanting to know how you've been. I just feel like our conversations have been kind of one sided. I keep talking about things you know, but for what? For reassurance? For you to tell me that it's okay, because we're all sinners and it's what you expect? I don't want to be like this though. Like them. This really can't be all I am. I wont accept that. I can't.

I wish you would talk to me. I know you hear what I'm saying. So, if you're listening why won't you answer? What do I have to do to hear your voice just once. I just want to know that I'll be okay. Even if this world is just seeping with chaos. I want to know that there's more to life than this. I'm sure you spend most of your day with your face in your hands because you gave us so much, but for what? All we do is throw it back in your face like we could have created something better.

Please just tell me how your day's been. I'm sure it's been great. I'm sure you're laughing at all the ways we try so hard to do things thinking we don't need your guiding hand. Did someone make you cry? Did someone make you question why something you created to define beauty turned out to be something so ugly and sinister? How did I make you feel today? I just hope you're happy. I hope you're not disappointed in me because I know I've let you down. I love you. I'm not good at showing it, but I do.

Well, I guess I'll talk to you again later. Have a good day.

I keep finding bullets stuck between my teeth
The same ones you bought the day you decided the ceiling would look better covered in blood.
Maybe that’s why everything I say
sounds like it’s is trying to **** me.
But what do you do
when you stand in front of a mirror
with a gun to your head
and your reflection smiles back at you?
What do you do
When you stand in the middle of a busy road
And every driver is a different version of yourself you’ve tried to ****.
Every version of yourself
No one could love.
My mother used to get in fist fights with the mirror and expect to win
She says I look just like her
Maybe that’s why I wake up and can’t recognize who I am.
I checked the obituaries this morning
Trying to find myself again
It’s a habit I picked up from you
But I never thought your name would end up there before mine.
Sometimes I imagine what death feels like
Sometimes I imagine kissing you instead
By now it feels like I’m imagining the same thing.
Someone once told me that begging you to come home
Isn’t the same as praying
Maybe that’s why God stopped listening
and started smashing the windows of every place I thought we could be happy in.
Your smile looked a lot like the light at the end of the tunnel
Right before the train hits you.
I used to squint my eyes when I looked at you
Like I was looking at the sun
Or a car accident I wanted to be part of
I’m sorry I ever thought you could be anything ugly to me
You were the only beautiful thing in this hideous place.
I couldn't look at you clearly,
because I knew I would see my own face staring back at me and
your eyes were the only place I never wanted to be dead inside of.
You can only break your knuckles so many times
Before you cant hold yourself together anymore.
My hands haven’t stopped shaking since you left
I don’t know how to tell them you’re not coming back.
See, I used to say I never wanted to end up like my father
Now I have to say I never want to end up like you,
Which means I can’t leave without saying goodbye
But I tried to write my eulogy last night
And realized it's hard to write about someone I never knew.

One day you'll realize that it was not love that broke your heart, but your perception of it

That when the tidal waves crashed upon the shore you were the one who followed them back to sea
Hoping that the waves would drift you off to a place like the one you created in your head

But love is not a land of make believe and fairytales
Yet we try so hard to find the same emotion we see in a movie or read in a book

We are searching for a feeling that someone else created because they were daydreaming about the perfect kind of love
But perfection is a figment of the imagination

And until the day we realize how much power three words can withhold we will never truly know what love is or how it feels

Because we are fools desperate for a feeling we think we need

I want to love you but you're like artwork
Like a masterpiece with the most exquisite detail
Something you can't help but marvel at
As if God created you just to show us how beautiful heaven is
So utterly perfect that touching you would be unthinkable
Like one of the most deadliest sins because you can't risk ruining a single fiber of your being
But I love you so much
My God, I love you

I need to love you because you are my oxygen
You are the blood in my veins making my heart beat
But it's beating too fast
And I don't know how to look at you and not feel like my ribcage is trying to open itself up to let you in
And it hurts so badly but when is love ever a walk in the park
I have been crawling on my knees down this broken road just for the chance to hold your hand
Just to feel the temperature of your skin as it courses through me like an electrical shock
So please love me
My God, please just love me

I never understood how the palms of your hands felt like home to me
Or how your smile was the only thing bright enough to light the darkness inside my soul
But you built up castles from my broken pieces
And I never thought anything so damaged could look so beautiful