I love you
not because
you're good looking

I love you
not because
you're caring

I love you
not because
you dote on me

I love you
not because
your smiles are sweet

I love you
not in lust
of your crevice
or orifice
or skin

I love you
because
without you
I feel

incomplete within.

My way with words
Will never be enough
To turn my weakness into confidence
To twist my self-doubt into any kind of self-worth
Just because
I know how to make words seem pretty
Does not mean
I know how to feel like I am
Like I am ****
Like I am anything to be desired
My ability to write love poems
Is the closest thing I will ever have
To love itself
Is the closest thing I will ever have to stability
I am always inbetween
Always temptress
Never only
Only lover on the side
I crave to be more
Crave to be cradled by hands
That are not just temporary
I have never known permanence well
And am sick of watching people go
Sick of goobyes
Of false promises
Of not now but later
Of we'll be together someday
I do not live in light of the future
Only now
Only present
Day by day
Again and again
I have been told
That eventually I will be the sole patron of an unvacant heart
But waiting is not my strong suit
And I have sacrificed too much already
Without receiving anything in return
I give away parts of me
And save nothing for myself
I do not know the outcome of it all
But if I could write my own destiny
If I could write my own romance novel
I would put myself in happy ending
Put myself in his arms
And never leave.

I texted you
at 12:30 a.m.
with a beer can on my bedside table,
asked you
if you remember
how my lips taste,
told you
it's been a while
since anyone's touched me
like you used to,
added
haha, I love you
to texts that
didn't quite make sense;

I asked for it.

That's what I keep
telling myself.
It's not ****
if I gave consent,
it's not ****
if you didn't touch me,
it's not ****
if I said yes when
you offered to make me less lonely.

I remember when
that boy you were always jealous of
told me he loved me,
I remember wanting to say it back,
I remember the smell of
my mom's *****
on his breath.

I said no.
Took his arm off my shoulder,
turned my head away,
told him not to kiss me,
told him not tonight,
told him he was drunk,
he was lying to himself,
he was just lonely,
he would not love me
in the morning.

I was right.
He told me
the last thing he remembered
was sitting down next to me,
he said
sorry if I tried anything,
I said he didn't.

My point is,

the boy I loved,
longed for,
still long for,
was giving himself to me,
his flushed cheek on my shoulder,
his hands in my hair,
my name on his lips,
and I said no.

My point is,

I, whom you knew to be vulnerable,
to be empty,
to be broken,
was begging you to save me,
my desire on your phone screen,
my scars in your memories,
my cries echoing in your eardrums,
and you asked for more.

My point is,

there comes a point
in every person's life
when they are given the choice
to do the right thing,
or do the wrong thing
and convince them self
it was the only option.

My point is,

I could have been
at your doorstep,
in your bedroom,
begging,
pleading,
naked,
ready,
and the right answer
still would have been
no.

My point is,

you did not **** me,
but you made me feel violated.
You are not a *** offender,
but you are an awful person.
I did say yes,
but you should have said no.

My point is,

I may have asked for it,
but that doesn't mean
you should've given it to me.

Is it wrong to want a Disney romance?
That may seem a bit silly to say,
But really now,
Who doesn't want a prince to come sing sweet melodies,
"I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream",
Like seriously,
Inside I be screaming "Marry me!"
Unfortunately, my life is not like that, at all,
I'm scrubbing floors like Cinderella cept I don't have a fairy godmother to help me off to my ball,
I am the little red headed mermaid splashing around, ******* down saltwater, glancing up at Eric,
wondering if he'll ever see me,
Yep, I'm Belle alright, reading every night,
Stuck in her dreams, hoping Gaston will quit bothering me,
Gosh! I want my beast already,
I want my star to grant my wish,
That the spell would break from true loves kiss,
But either way I'm still here, living with some dwarves cleaning up after them,
Lucky *******,
Hold up, that's not a very Disney thing to say.
Either way,
Disney got it right,
We girls just want to be saved,
Well I mean, I do,
I don't know about the rest of you,
Prince Charming can you just give me back my shoe,
My heart is your's in return, I promise,
Yeah, that's me waiting, wanting, wishing like always

I smile at everything she is
She is every Disney Princess
There ever was
And I'm in love.
She has the strength of Mulan
With a Beauty like Belle
The defiance of Ariel
And a voice like Aurora
She has kindness like Cinderella
And can cook like Tiana.
She is my very own
Disney princess
The best there ever was
All their perfect qualities
Rolled into one.

You flooded me with false hope
And left me drowning in feelings
Thinking about how you and I
Could've been a we
With your lingering touches
You sparked lightning in my heart
And now it dances in my veins
Refusing to stop.
But you dont care that you are in my bloodstream
Because baby, I could light up the skies for you
And you wouldn't care to look.

Your laugh made me smile
In the most down of times.
I was the luckiest guy
To have called you mine.

Your hair was so soft,
Your eyes were so calm,
And your lips always tasted like
That special cherry lip balm.

When I was with you,
Everything felt right.
My favorite moments
Were when we would stay up all night.

All we did was talk.
There was no fighting.
We talked about everything.
While in the covers we were hiding.

We slept all day,
We were perfect from the start,
I just wish I could turn back time,
And redo my part.

I really did love you,
I wish you believed me,
Because maybe if we tried,
We’d still be cuddling.

I don't know
What your voice sounds like at 4am
Or how your hair looks
After a restless night of movement
Of midnight caressing
Of hands tangled in limbs
I don't know
The rhythm of your chest
The up and down
Or the pattern of your heartbeat
How it would sync up with mine
If our breathing would become concierto
Would become music
I don't know
How your lips would feel against my neck
How your stubble would feel brushing my cheek
Your warm breath
On my frigid skin
I don't know
How your tongue tastes
After it has been soaked in whiskey
After it has traced the outline of my own
I don't know
How your face looks in the morning light
Don't know
If your body becomes silhouette to sunrise
I don't know a lot
About what it is like
To be with you
But I think
I would like to.

Dear Talia,


My mattress is tattooed with your scent.

You held me as I slept.

You kissed my forehead and told me you love me.

You whispered three syllables into my mouth. You create waves in me that wash away cigarette burns. I would hold you tight in the unforgiving night.

I want to drink cheap coffee with you as you smile between each sip and as I master the art of looking at your smile. I want to make love with you like it's going out of style and until our lungs are burning like California wildfire.

I want to evaporate into your breath.

We were side by side in a bed made for us, and I fell asleep in your arms, listening to the calm of your breathing and the frantic beat of your heart.

Your fingers weaved through my hair, and I counted heartbeats, hoping never to stop.

My brain is soup and my hands are worn down from hours of typing your name. Talia. Talia. Talia Betourney.

I want to rock in and out of your body, as you kiss my lips with precise lightning strikes. After you shock me, time and time again, I want to wonder if the lightning misses the sky.

I am flustered and as I type this, I lose control of my thoughts as I become swept into your green-eyed, dark haired heaven. I cannot dream a better dream than your reality. I want to kiss you for every gasp I've never been around for and for every moment of pain. I am not here to save you, though: I am here just to love you.

Your hands swallowed mine, as I was closest to your body. My eyes drank the darkness, and my mind escaped.

In my sleep, you told me you love me. When I woke up, you told that panther something and I wanted to know what his ears heard that mine didn't.

You wouldn't say, and your hands grew slight tremors, the same way farmers grow slight weeds.

We started to kiss like our lips were the antidote. You whispered into my mouth. I asked what you said, being able to make most of it out.

You said, "Nothing." But, baby, that wasn't nothing. That was everything.

After a few minutes, I told you that I made out most of it and that it was okay.

You turned to your side, and your hands shook. I love you so much. I love you. I love you. I love you. Turn back to me. Look at me. Hey.

"It's okay. It's okay, and it's going to be okay, because I love you, too," I said to you, as I looked into your eyes, seeing myself.

You smiled.

We kissed like famine was non-existent, and like the apocalypse was imminent. End my world with every kiss, revive me with every flick of the tongue. Wash me with lava, and give me acid to drink; nothing could **** me in that moment, except the batting of your eye lashes.


I wrote you this poem and it *****, but it spilled out of my fingers after you left:

In a far and distant galaxy, there is a father for you, and a father for me       
And a silver car for you and I; driving underneath the alone-grey sky.
And a blue soul that learns to be happy.
And our blood will dye the Dead Sea.
And underneath a together-old tree, our young love will try.

And while our muscles are far from weak,
we will kiss until our mouths are dry.
We will kiss for an entire week. We will kiss until we forget how to cry.

Our brains will tell us we’re irresponsible.
Our hands will shake from all the trust.
You chew on my lip like I’m impossible.
You’ll ******* blood; I taste like rust.


How you could be afraid of my not loving you escapes me.

Don't you know why my heart beats so fast?

Today was the first day we said that we love each other. I hope it isn't the last, because I love you very much, and I don't think my mouth can go a day without knowing those words.


Yours,

Josh