i've gone ******* crazy
i always thought that i was the type to remain levelheaded
passive
not the type to cry over no new messages
and cancelled plans
and no outside contact for 48 hours
but every 7 minutes on the dot
i refresh your blog to see if you're online
or open my lock screen
to see if you decided to finally text me back
my insides twisting in desperation because
you're supposed to like me
how could i feel this strongly about you
and you not even consider me?

i'm not completely sure but
i don't think i'm okay
and maybe i haven't been okay for a while

an oxymoron inside my soul:
a total lack of emotion
paired with
overwhelming sadness and hopefulness and desire
to feel something beautiful

it feels like i've run out of words
or motivation in general, i guess
i'd be perfectly fine with lying in bed for a week
rehashing the same emotions over and over and over
nothing is new, nothing is exciting
i don't want to do anything
i don't want to be alone
but i don't want to talk
all i want is to bury my head in a pillow
and not resurface for a bit

sometimes i think that i'm actually different from everyone i know
like i think in a different way and feel or don't feel different emotions
obviously that's not possible since being unique is a social construct
and all that blah blah blah
let me be self indulgent for now, alright?

i think that i'll never find a relationship thats right
because i don't think anyone really understands me
and i also feel dumb because supposedly every teenager feels that way
but i look at some of my friends and see how in love they are
and that opens a whole new can of worms
because i'm lying to them as much as i used to lie to myself

my mom's friends ask me if i have a boyfriend or my eye on anyone
and i say i don't have a boyfriend, and i don't.
but it still feels like a lie because i'm not interested in a boyfriend
i want a girlfriend

i don't think a lot of people would care
i don't know why i haven't told anyone
but it feels like too precious a secret to face the world just yet

yes i do love you
but talking to you
creates this ugly niggling tension
in my stomach and my thoughts to get cloudy
and i just become so frustrated
all i want is to be left alone
but then you think something is wrong
something is obviously wrong
but you are never going to be the right person to talk through it with