My walls will cave in (just like placards stacked up horizontally fall back with the wind) along with every wave of anxiety-
Right then, I will fall short of words, or rather lose the intelligence of speaking-
Goosebumps, butterflies, shivers and my heart dipping into the cold Pacific won't just be defense mechanisms.
My heart will appear to jolt awake and then dead repeatedly by the society I put myself in;
I will feel electricity running around in my veins, often sparking out of my eyes as the salty tears that trigger short circuits
The ones they say could be caused by the heat-
Indeed- but it's also the cold, the wind, rain and the snow
Words like unknown, unforeseen and anonymous manifesting and getting under my skin- make my jaws quiver and heart dip.

Often my gut nudges me to stand and to speak and to, for once, not fear an omen before I deliver a speech,
But when I speak, though my mouth moves to enunciate what I remembered from the paper,
And as I attempt to collect and reflect my confidence through my features,
My fingers tremble as I try to fit them into my fists behind my back-
These legs shiver behind the pedestal, hidden under slacks.
For people think these mere trifles shouldn't ******* the silhouette that I bear,
Fear of the unknown? Don't be scared, scared!
My nerve ends nervously make my fingers dance as I attempt to provide them a temporary occupation-
'Cross your fingers, close your fists,
Pretend to text, you're better than this.'

So dear me, oh dear me I am sorry-
I am sorry for constantly holding you back;
Sorry for all the chances I did not let you take, all because
I sometimes tend to diverge my faults out as through a prism,
And have always been someone who can never jeopardize her pursuit for perfection.

Sorry, for the seeds of my anxiety have given birth to the roots of my skepticism-
For I paint doubt over every pretty scenery you etch in my mind,
My inhibitions and myself, thinking things over, rewind, rewind.

If I were Rapunzel my anxiety would be the tower that holds me encapsulated- a hostage;
With no demands whatsoever, only a plain, ruthless, endless need to cause damage.

when i say black lives matter,
i'm saying all lives matter
but right now our white people
aren't being murdered
for earning extra money for their families
or for a broken taillight,
it is the black people who are murdered
for representing all that is human
black lives are the lives
that are buried in the ground
and painted on white faces
because they're going to a music festival.
black lives are the lives
that result in names
printed in fine print,
displayed by candles and tears,
they are the lives
men in blue take each day
because their job
is to serve and protect.
who are you serving and protecting?
take your blue suit off
and put on a kkk robe
because the oath that you took
is not the oath you are practicing.
so when i say black lives matter,
i am saying there is a great injustice
i am saying save those people
i am saying our brothers and sisters are dying
i am saying they are our family.
all lives cannot matter
until black lives do.

I've been waiting for the day
that my footsteps
are quiet enough
for me to walk across the room
and not make a sound.

I've been waiting for the day
that the only thing
you can hear
when I sit down
are my bones clicking
against themselves.

and I've been waiting for the day
that I can look at myself
and not want
to make myself sick
because of the way
I see myself.

see,
I don't have
the best perception
of life
or anything, really
I can't tell you
what is real and
what is fantasy
but I can tell you
that my days
are getting shorter
and my time
is running out
and I want you to know
that I have never felt
more loved
than when I was
cuddled up
safe and sound
in your arms.

Alone

I question everything I am
My Life
My Goals
My Purpose
I look up at night and lie awake afraid to sleep,
Constantly wondering about the end
Afraid I will die with no one to hold
Afraid that no one will ever really know me
Afraid that the last moments I spend alive,
Will be spent feeling the way I always feel

Alone

i’ve never moved houses
but it’s the classic “it never felt like home,”
so i built one in myself i built a home
and i take it everywhere i go.

my favorite time of day
is when the day turns into night
when the sky starts to pull
lavender hues into shades of darkness
and i can just exist
in beautiful light

can i close my eyes and sleep now
dreaming in wisps of smoke
like blowing out a candle
and kissing someone you love
in the dark
soft shallow waves come in
clocks turn as feelings
pool up in the corner of the room
there is a light coming in from outside of your window
my mind is leaking
can i close my eyes and sleep now

curtain call for the moon
who really needs stars
when i'm holding mine,
smoking at the end of my fingers

In June
Let the music be heard
A new truth spoken by muse
Through human tools
Infused by views
And sights that soothe the soul
I hear you now on computer
Blue-tooth and telephone
I see you in Sumerian texts
Cave-drawings and cuneiform
I see you not how it used to be
And if I lose
Its proof I'm free
Because I choose to die
If not for an opportunity to try
Its June

A stagnant pond
Surrounded by death,
Withered reeds rooted
To promises I've never kept.
The fishes of thought have flipped,
Baring their bellies to sunlight's kiss.
My duckling of happiness has left,
Migrating away from this forest.
No ripples persist on the water's surface,
I skip rocks and always miss
The depths of my bliss.

I try to stir these thoughts
To give me what I lost. Instead,
Loneliness bursts forth like
Swans growing from my head.

-SLuR