Where have you gone?
No light in your eyes and no voice in your words.
Everything is gone,
This isn't the one I thought I knew...

Dear ~~~
I just want to let you know,
Before I fall apart on you,
Or I fall for you--
I live in a shipwreck of my own design,
Am scared of what I am capable of,
And admire the frightening
Endless
Night sky.
I step cruelly on
My own emotions and those who
Twist my own words and
Use me as a door mat,
While twisting my knife deeper into my heart,
But my tears are invisible
And my screams are silent.
You need to look beyond my smiling,
Look into my eyes.
They only smile when you are here.

I'm missing you,
A warm presence,
The only time I dare to be myself.
And yet,
Better than I am
When I'm around you.

Did I walk away
Or was it you?

U
G
L
Y

Slides off my tongue,
The words I use to talk to you,
And the words I use to describe myself.

I gambled with fire,
Gave my mind away,
It turned my heart to dust,
And now it turned way.

Avoid answering
By asking unrelated questions.

It works every time,
Even when it wasn't wanted.

Like the last burst of a storm,
The last stroke of a brush,
The last detail added...

I
Gave
Up the fight.
Now
will you?


Would you call it cowardice
To kick someone who
is down and
surrendered?

Even you don't know my fears,
Sometimes I don't.
I try to hide them from myself,
But they just eat
Eat
EAT
On my insides,
Begging my attention,
Boiling in my acidic blood,
Screaming in my ears,
My mind,
I'm growing numb to my surroundings,
Dissolving into my own background,
Yet it still
Eats,
Burning holes in my heart,
The soles of my shoes
Wearing thin as I try to run from it
Only to return
Again.

Above the keyboard are hands,
Working hands, trying to create something beautiful.
They can feel out the words,
But they cannot hear or see.

Above those hands are arms,
That can hold,
But they cannot see either.

Looking at you,
You are not just something beautiful.
You are beautiful, inside, outside,
Even if you can't see,
Even if you can't hear,
Or touch
Or smell
Or taste,
Your heart can.

And create something beautiful.

If we were more like ourselves
How long could we keep up this act?
Dodging each other,
Only saying meaningless "Hellos"
And questions,
Never pausing to stop and actually
Think,
Feel,
Take the time to know someone,
Who they truly are,
Deep down,
And then
Pause.

So they know that they aren't the only one there.

Its hard to give up
On a love
That was never yours.

I felt the impact of
Jumping into the unknown cavern of
Trust,
Not knowing how hard
And broken it would be.

My voice was a silent scream in the wind.

If I were a word yesterday,
They would be about
"Pain"
or
"Lost."
Feeling "trapped" in a
World who knows how to "punish" the
"Weak."
I would see how I have gone "unseen" and
"Ignored" by the ones who "hate" me best.
But that was "yesterday."

If I were a word today,
It would simply be
"Happy."

He told her he was the sky,
That he owned the stars,
And the sun, his eye.
She laughed,
Smiling at his ocean eyes,
And knew that he was truthful.

Now she looks up and sees the face
Of the one she first loved.

It still hurts when I think of your name.

You don't know.

You can't understand my pain,
You simply can't.

Why?
You say I have the perfect life--
From the outside, I guess I do,
No.
You cannot understand how everyday of my life I am
Scolded because
Parents are stressed out with finance,
People,
Me--
Especially me.

You don't know the pain of watching your cute,
Sweet,
Little brother-- autistic--
Struggle through school with "friends" who act like fiends.
You have never heard the heartbreaking sound
When his anxiety grows and he cries out
In his own pain:
"Why? Why do I have autism? Why can't I do it?
I'm so dumb I'm so dumb
I'm
So
Dumb!"

And then Mom and Dad are over there,
Their own tired selves,
Trying unsuccessfully to comfort him.

You don't know the pain of an older sister,
Beautiful,
Talented,
Everything you feel you lack in,
Fall into the wrong crowd,
Now contemplating suicide.
You loved her the whole time,
Even through all her hate and addiction.

And you don't know the pain of family ignoring you,
Like they did me--
Like I didn't get enough at school,
Never being able to tell friends from fakes,
So biting my tongue and putting on a foolish, lying smile for just one more day--
One more day.

But there is no one to lie to--
There is none here left to ask questions,
Even the simple ones like
"How are you?"

It hurts.
Pain,
It's ice cold and devours.
Frigid hands grip,
Clinging to the edge of the cliff,
Not knowing how long they can hang on.
Hot tears burn their way down clammy cheeks and
Through the soul.
Knowing that falling was eminent to fall--
Why was it caused by
Trust--
Trying--
Now it comes to a short and sudden
End.
The silence-- Life now,
It ticks by,
Painstakingly
Slow,
But faster than the rest. I feel my grip slip...

Hate dripped down from his words,
His eyes,
They bore into the soul,
Painfully,
Frostbite to her heart.

Yet she also fought with daggers,
Her sharp tongue flashing the blades,
Cutting him and
Defending
Her chilly soul.

As things turned worse,
Physical weapons appeared,
And the child watched,
Their child watched as
The husband beat the wife
And the wife beat the husband.
The child dares not to make a noise,
Fearing punishment.

The child has already lost the ability to cry.

Always I try to lead,
But my feet drag like lead,
Coming to my knees to pray,
Don't always keep the hunters from their prey.
Everything is falling, yet I will be okay,
For I know that sometimes
God calms the child, not the storm.
Hours of my time--
I wish it was our time...
Just wait for me, the dead weight is
Killing me, dragging me
Lower than it ever has before.
Minutes tick by,
No one sees me as I bid goodbye,
Only a minute problem though.
Perhaps I am invisible,
Queer, or
Rude,
Someday I may be better,
Though I know no one can buy me.
Unlimited is what I am,
Value cannot be placed on any one's soul.
Wounds will heal,
Xanthous sunshine will brighten the world,
Yet again at peace,
Zealous in the celebration of life.

I miss you.

Not in the physical kind of way,
You are still here--
I can reach out and touch you now.

But things are different now.
Now all I do is
Drag
Drag
Drag behind you,
You even forgot I was here.

We use to talk,
Walking to our classes,
Sometimes passing them,
Lost,
Not physically,
But in deep conversations,
Where our words were equals,
Even if we weren't.

Now we hardly say "hello,"
Sitting next to you,
Your presence is comforting,
Your silence is not.
Being near you makes me miss you more.

Do you ever miss me too?

Wisps
Of words
Drift down slowly as
She sits,
Invisible and forgotten.
Huddled,
As the world caves down on her.

Even though no one notices her,
They all point,
Stare,
And scorn.

An outcast,
Not knowing the reason why
They talk about how
"Dangerous"
She is.

Rumors and gossip spread like wildfire,
Burning her the worst,
Third degree burns to the soul.

They never realized how
Close to the edge
They pushed,
Until she jumped,
And put out the fire forever.

"Please."

She choked the word out,
Stammering,
Tears dripping down her face,
Streaking her makeup down her face.
Pleading,
Crying.

But.
Her cries landed on deaf ears,
The words sliding off of his turned head.
Just like Lucifer,
The name he had before was misleading.

Prince,
He once was.
Now he is a servant--
A servant to the lowest serpent.

How long ago
Did you list your priorities?

The small ones,
Like me.
Forgotten at the bottom of the list.

I do understand.
I am only a reflection,
Without purpose,
******* the attention of those around me,
The ones that worry about
Insignificant things.

And stop lying.

You have let go of me,
You haven't let go of the words
Or past.

But of course you let go,
You could barely hold on to
Your own sanity.

I can only hold myself accountable to the crushing feeling I have now.

It rolled down the stairs...
                thump,
                         Thump,
                                  THUMP
Gaining momentum until it crashed at the bottom.

It was glass.

They should have known,
They should have felt the crystal, its fragility,
Evidently they didn't care.
They never did,
Did they?

The scattered remnants were left on the pavement
To sparkle in the sun.
Even though it was broken,
It was beautiful to passersby.

Sometimes I wonder...
                                    ...Are people the same way?

Sing a song like a lullaby,
Flowers dancing round and round,
Across a glassy lake,
The Frost Prince is battling with
The Daisy Duke again.
Around and around their quarrel continues,
Feet stomping,
Words flailing,
The Flowers taking twists and turns,
Keeping in time with the rhythm.
The ice cracks,
The shatter breaks
The glass into knives within the words,
With Daisy Duke glancing right,
And Frost Prince glancing left,
The Flowers shrink, are cut, and fall.

The Flowers die again.

They only want to understand
What life would be like
If It didn't exist.

Only to ignore if you are near.

Only to pretend to be nice
When they are only waiting for the time you
Turn around,
So they can take their poisoned knife
And slide it into your heart
From behind.

Tell the others,
Why is it that
When all is said and done,
That you will be the one that's gone.

Drip

               Drip                    Drop
                                  D
                             R       R
                         O                I
                     P                         P
                                  J

... I wish I had an umbrella...

I've been waiting for you to rescue me,
My tears keep coming,
No one there to catch them.
I thought you were here,
But you must have left an hour ago.
A day ago?
A week ago?
My knees are weak,
My sweating hands pulling
******* my ballgown,
I step hastily away
As my heartbreak claims
Another year away.

There was a price for friendship...

                ...In this case it was two dollars.

I would have walked home
If only I knew
How much you hate to turn around...

Old memories past before
And the blows are still sharp-

Were you in such a rush
To throw me away?
The hand outreached to rescue me
From drowning,
Quickly pulled away.

The bruises and scars are here
And the new cuts
Crust over
With frost and ice,
Eager to reopen them.

About how
Your lies hurt more deeply
Than
The truth they hide.

Does satan love the dark
Because he can hide from himself?

To hate
Is to let part of your soul

*Die.

We are all broken inside
A sliver of humanity
                                                                                  Shattered
Hiding the truth from us
And pelting words
                                                         --Curses--
Bidding us to use them
In all our haste.
                            We condemn ourselves to our own fates.

It feels like standing
On the edge
With a choice to fall
Or stand.
But either way
The depths cannot be suppressed.

It is exhilarating
And feared, just waiting
For the crash at the bottom.

It burns-- Immensely
     Unclear why the pain is so bad.
Why does it feel this way--
     Locked up but
The treasurer owns nothing,
     Feeling the weight of
Other's unknown thoughts--
     The new pain
Mixes with the old,
     Devouring all in an
Unchanging harmony of this life.

Frozen tundra,
Snowflake plains,
Like frozen fingers
Reaching out--
Choking the warmth
From the air.

The water breathed ice
In the stagnant air,
The puffs clawing
At unyielding flesh.
It turns red and raw,
Thawing into the impenetrable winter.

Invisible...
       What am I,
    If not for you--
                         Someone to hear me through?

No--
     They can't understand
  And neither can you.
            Sometimes it is better
        Not to be remembered.

                            Deny what you said--
                      Hold these shaking hands,
                               Dry my tears,
                         Shape my heart.

        I'm sorry----
                   I'm more drama
            Than I'm worth in reality.

You may shiver at words,
They are the interpretation
Of all pain, fear,
Love.
But as the leaves fall like ash
From a charcoal sky,
It is known that there may be no more days
To admit my love for you.

Do you know what I am?

A siren--
Destined to tip the boat,
Pull you off,
And watch you sink:
Drowning.

I want the attention
And the glory
Of being the unbroken one.

But watching you fall
Makes me shiver beneath my feathers.

Instead I let you swim for the shore.

Where is the backspace key in my life?

My words are running out...

Daunting.
An empty page--
It spells out my name,
Calling on me--
Nagging--
It pushes me
To build a new castle--
Find a new kingly knight.
But I would want to go back.
It was simpler
When the old pages were full--
When I knew what to expect.
I don't want new adventures--
I love the old ones with
My blood pounding,
Head spinning,
Heart breaking.
I would rather fall with my broken wings
Than learn to walk with my broken soul.
But--
It gradually fills--
Life, like a journey on this empty page
Brings us back to the beginning.

I am full once more
But just as broken as before.

I live in the dreary depths--
A refining desolation,
An isolation from normality.
Sometimes too much--
I cannot completely decipher
The feeling--I want it to end.
But aye--
The end--
Is it a sleepless dream in
The depths of night?
Yet every time I dream of it
I remember the feeling,
The passion,
The hope.
I may not last,
But only to dream of you once more.

Invisible I,
Nothing to do with
Victory over anything but
Inconsiderate and inconsistent things.
Slowly I slip from memories
Isolating myself from the
Bullies of my own creation,
Letting my own thoughts of myself slip through
Eternity.

                I want to forget myself too.