Wrecked on the couch,
my victims asked me who I was
or who I thought I was
or who I was trying to be.

I resented them, like most people
who play into my empathy for
some luxury or to **** out a sucker.

I live on a seat of noise.
Everything is deafeningly loud.
Sinking in screams
like a stale mattress
full of bedbugs,
but you need a place to sleep
for at least another night.

I fly on a deranged bird
that knows one word,
and that word is made-up.
Fictional.
I fly by inches, crawl in the sky
crawl towards death with my
head tilted backwards.

I don't even bother asking
many questions anymore,
especially about people.
I'm not so upset that nobody
particularly cares.

it's hard for me to realize you're actually gone.
you died 3 months and 2 days ago, but it still feels surreal.
why am I here and you're not?
gladly I would trade places with you.
at times like these, I feel a weight on me.
it's pressing down on me, my hands are heavy, I can't open my mouth, I'm completely stuck.
I repress the memory of death and live as if you're still here,
but then the time comes when I want to call you
want to tell about my day
want to tell you how my junior year is going
I want to show you my homecoming dress
I want to tell you about the girl I love
tell you how great my grades are
but I can't.
you're gone and I can't bring you back
but I don't know when I'll finally accept that.

often enough my thoughts become too much for me
i find myself wanting an escape but can never seem to find one
as i lay in bed with my brain racing, i think 100 things a minute
life is moving fast and i need it to slow down so i can breathe

Love has a funny way of showing itself.
You told me you loved me, but I was a distraction.
A good distraction, but still a distraction.
I was always told to fight for what I love,
but apparently you have different values
or you never even loved me at all.
Evidently, you must finish what you start,
and you sure as hell finished this.
I was willing to wait, but you weren't.
Why'd you have to be so nice about it?
It'd be less painful if you purposely hurt me,
but knowing you did what you thought was best,
hurts one hundred times more than anything else.
I prayed I wouldn't see you today, and when I did,
my heart lay shattered on the floor because
you didn't seem effected at all.

i'm so upset that i can't even write