I'm comfortable
In the dimness of
My room
I'm warm
Under layers smooth
I'm relaxed
In the silence
Of solitude.

My room small and yet
Large enough
Slightly cramped and yet
Spacious enough
Almost a world away
Nothing urgent
And yet

It all comes crashing down as
I open the door
Let it all in
I don't want to
I know I'll have to
I'll want to
And yet
I don't.

Surreal
Is the voice that
Is speaking
Mine but not
Mine
I can hear it
Too clearly as if I'm
Listening to a recording
What am I saying?
What's the point

I hear my voice
The voice I speak
Are my words meaningful?
What am I saying?
I speak to be understood
And yet it's always about
Winning.

From speaking
To almost losing the end
Of my words to
Resigning myself
To what is,
My voice is always lost
Lost to their ears
Lost to my will
Lost to the body I was given.

I hear my voice and I
Don't want to.
I don't want to hear it
Not when the people
Around me also hear it
And yet refuse to
Think about my voice
My words.
I don't want to hear it

I don't want to hear my voice
Because it is what I don't want
I don't want to hear that I've
Given up

White eagle
bird
vertebrae
sitting on my knee
the only colour
in the circle protruding
around its iris
Eyes intense
Claw certain
Clasping its target
Gaze not on me
My gaze not on it
But a shared attention
In presence

The call of the white bird
Is silent, beak
Never opening
All in the light
Passing between pupils
Shaping the energy
In the surrounding
atmosphere
Gaze not on me
Gaze not on me

Who is it on then?

Red leaves on vines
Curling waves peaking high
Mountain cliff crevasse seemingly
Bottomless
Crack

    Gentle sway against the air
   Falling rolling into itself
  End unknown
The fall seemingly
Uninterrupted
Darkness

Grasp grasp onto the tree
Roll roll into the sea
  Gape gape around the emptiness
   Keep keep your mind at ease
    Sleep

Stay awake stay awake
'What else should I do?'
Stay awake stay awake
Take a picture of the view

Don't fall asleep

Sitting by the lakeside
Legs dangling in its waters
Kicking lightly
As the cool night air
Settles under the skin
Mind wandering
Subconscious fluctuating.

Mind wandering
Subconscious fluctuating
Heart clenching
The waters suddenly thicken
Almost pulling
And yet it hasn't thickened
Still lapping beneath the knees
Heart uneasy
Thoughts attempting to solidify
Like ice at room temperature
Melting
Drowning out the voice of reason

Was there a voice of reason to begin with?

Unsettled heart keeping me up at night
Emotions leaving me raw, overcome
What was once okay lost its security
Who am I and what have I become?

What sacrifices am I making and
Where will these sacrifices take me next?
I'm afraid that they won't understand
I'm afraid of the judgement they'll project

And so the words remain hidden inside.
Whilst people abide by what they should see
The words free to roam, wreak havoc on my mind.
And agree to expel what shouldn't be.

Never afraid of what would never happen
Until I saw what was not to be seen again

~ ~~
Keys tipping
Under my fingers
Notes resounding
Around me
Playing,
Laying
Layer over layer
Of tones
Emitting
And drawing forth
The sighs that
Do not escape my mouth
And instead trace back
Down my tensed throat
Along my collar bones
Arms
Twisting around my wrists
And zipping at my finger tips.
My mind knows
And so my fingers follow.

And yet my mind also knows
It's searching.
Not for something missing
But
For something that could be there.
And yet it continues to progress,
Fingers relaying,
Notes sounding,
Fading.
Continuously

~~ ~

In the distance
And yet
Flowing through every medium
Surrounding me,
A voice flows alongside
These notes,
These feelings.
A voice that enriches
And pairs with the notes
That continue
To resound around me