i did it.
i finally let the thoughts take over.
im sick.

I wish I was in love, so I could write a love poem again.

Sometimes I think
This must be too good to be
True, but I hope that’s just anxiety speaking

Because you’re someone I want to keep

I woke up that morning
Just another Thursday
Got dressed and ready

Got to the appointment
What would she say that day
Then my worst fear came to life

I sat in the emergency room
Waited to talk to nurses
I didn’t see the point in lying

I’m then in an ambulance
Getting transferred to a facility
I was terrified of what would happen

I arrived and it was very quiet
Was it because my mind was so loud?
I expected screaming and yelling, like the television shows

It was completely different
Friendly people, humble people
They showed me what strength is

I stayed for five days
Those five days were different than anything I’ve experienced
It taught me a lot

Showed me that it won’t go away
That I have to learn to manage it
That I have to take accountability

My only regret about this whole thing
That I wish I would have gone sooner
I still struggle but is a little easier

Just have to go day by day

Life is interesting
It can take you anywhere
Some people have it all
Others have nothing at all

Sometimes it seems like a game
Like we have no control
As if someone is dictating it all
Planting us in situations

Maybe I’m just crazy
I just don’t understand
Understand what the world is
Why is it so unfair

We don’t get to choose
Where we grow up
How were raised
Who our family is

So why are the conditions unfair
We don’t all have an equal chance
I guess that’s how it’s been
Probably won’t ever change

This is not a straightforward illness.
This is a rollercoaster that takes you up and down at random,
and you’re left just hanging on for dear life.
There are days when you are trying so desperately to live and not be numb to the world around you,
but at the same time your mind is consumed with finding a permanent end to it all.
Things you used to love have no meaning anymore,
and nothing seems to quite give you that spark of joy when the fog settles in.
Sleep offers a temporary escape,
but nightmares keep you from finding any peace of mind.
This is a 24/7 illness, it does not take vacations
it waits until you start feeling normal enough to say it’s been a good day before it slams you down and takes you back a few steps.
One of the hardest parts is to regress when you were making progress, but that’s part of this journey - the ups and downs are endless, unpredictable and unstoppable.
My depression might not look like yours, we are all unique in our struggles.
My illness may have gotten the upper hand this time, but it will not win this war. I will keep fighting

**** and alcohol are there
They keep me stabilized
No one knows

It’s my vice right now
I’m drunk writing this
Slurring my words

I may seem fine externally
Internally I’m screaming
I got to pretend

You can’t know how I feel
You won’t let me drink
But it really helps

Maybe that’s bad
But to me it feels amazing
You don’t understand

Just let me have this
At least until I get help
Maybe I’ll get better

I know his doesn’t make sense
It was just a rant
**** it, I don’t care