The leaves dance in their forest fire pallet
above the shifting mists.
This riot of color
fragile and lovely in its temporal struggle.
Autumn will wander away as her dress goes to pieces
Like so much ash
to be washed over by bright snows.
Still, I am sure this is her home, and she will return
because she is loveliest here.

As we are sitting still, summer goes by,
And you and I are by the water. Here
We mostly think of how we fell in love.
Portside, by wave, and sun, and drink, and sweet.

The chill grows heavy. I drawl you to me
And think small winter thoughts, and you are calm.

Steady lover, soft roots grown deep and strong,
And far from me. I’m prone to flight for  fear.
Yet still, I’ve read maps long enough to know,
The river opens where we met. So wings
Turn to follow different paths. You've gone

Back home, to valleys higher than my own
Naive to the design of the river
Or how it made convenient paths. On Which
They built the freeways I would fly to reach
Your door, again, every new moon or so.

I don't want to go outside, not ever.
I want to stay in here with you.
I don't like the outside pressures.
I like our cocoon.

People ask if we are chafing.
Growing quarrelsome or cross.
And I laugh until I am shaking.
If ever I am frustrated, you are not the cause.

I have loved you for three years and will forever.
And, no matter what, all I see,
Is that I will never
be prepared for you to go from me.

I was thinking, if you live to be 80
It would only give me 45 years to spend with you
and though that is longer than we've lived already.
I still think it would be too soon.

I am stupidly in love with your smile
and the way we dance from room to room.
So, I'm fine if we don't go outside for a while
I like our cocoon.

I should really drink
Because then the next time we speak
I'll have some excuse for my slurred speech
Besides the intoxication of hearing your voice
and saying your name

I'm such a **** up
I've alienated most my friends
By being too honest
Or needing them too much

and am trying to forget
because we haven't talked in a while
and you said this is difficult
And I don't know why.

I should really stop
Writing poetry at 1:43
and fantasizing about pouring alcohol in my coffee
And fantasizing about making love to you
and fantasizing.

I should really stop
Spending too long online
and going to sleep 2 hours before my family wakes
and going to sleep (just to wake up a few hours later)
and not sleeping

I should really stop
reading Cummings late
and pouring over Byron late
and pouring over Burns late
and late night poetry readings

I should really stop
listening to death cab sleepy
and listening to brand new sleepy
and listening to la dispute sleepy
And listening to perfect lyrics sleepy

I should really stop
dreaming about love
and dreaming about those who don't love me
And dreaming about those who might love me
And dreaming about you loving me

I should really stop
but I cant seem to stop
any of it

If this is soul mates
I sorta hope ill forget
find someone without "leaving"
marring their kiss
conversely
i sorta hope
that this is soul mates
That when this ends
perhaps
our paths will cross again
That we will intersect
forever
the ropes of an inescapable net
I could spend a life time
bumping into you
And maybe next time
you wont leave when we do.

The pictures and texts
You send
Maybe im peering to deep.
Trying to learn your game.

Listen
Leave the masachism to me
Dont call
Dont write
Certainly do not fight for me
You cant win boy
No one can
Not with your skill set
Im done being trampled down
Into complacency
Bruised to believe
My worth comes from you
With your stinging words
And dead self-esteam
Always clawing at my back
To make me feel owned
Not wanted
To leave your mark
Not send waves of pleasure
Dont you know
In love you have to give as good as you get
I was your property
I dont know
if you ever were capable of loving me
I know you
And your
Sociopath mind
Believe you do
I tried to do this softly
But youre making it hard
Not to spit venom.
I could tell you
Reasons why i dont love you
But none of those
are why I left
I left because
I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE
simple
Deadly

3 hrs of sleep
And waiting in the cold guest bed
For you to leave
For work
So I can quietly dissapear
After the damage I've done.

I never wanted to hurt you

I told you last night
That my love for you
ran dry
Before I even knew it was dying
Tears filled your eyes like saucers
And mine

I never wanted to hurt you

A string of friend's couches in waiting
I hope I find an apartment soon
I need a home apart from you
I dont really know how to move
all my things

You know how people say they love poetry? How they can quote the classics and elicit a response of admiration from those surrounding them? I can quote very little poetry. I know so few lines by heart. But I love poetry in that I could bury myself in it. And despite that some of my own words fall flat on the paper, I love the play of the lines. Poetry is the cure for the sadness in muly soul. Good writing is better than alcohol and I like to drink in both. I watch him smoke his cigarettes, a few a day. The way he lazily holds them in fingers and lips. I rarely smoke, but I hold words in that same lazy way and with that same desperate need. I wrote these words long ago... but something in you has woken my soul.

The way you want to talk about things
That i dont qiute understand
I like that you want to know me
Beyond just my bed
I want to know you too
And why you smile so big
And why your laugh
Sounds so sweet
And how you keep up
With your life which is facinating

I am always happy
when I'm with you
I Love you like I'm not,
Which is to say
I've always known
love as congruent to pain.
smiles lasting only moments
Melting like snow
loving you is not like that
you are endless evergreen
your laughter is a bubbling happiness
magic is a concrete thing
our play is immortal childhood
it's believing in the triumph of good
And I don't know
how to do things like that.

You know how people say they love poetry? How they can quote the classics and elicit a response of admiration from those surrounding them? I can quote very little poetry. I know so few lines by heart. But I love poetry in that I could bury myself in it. And despite that some of my own words fall flat on the paper, I love the play of the lines. Poetry is the cure for the sadness in muly soul. Good writing is better than alcohol and I like to drink in both. I watch hin smoke his cigarettes, a few a day. The way he lazily holds them in fingers and lips. I rarely smoke, but I hold words in that same lazy way and with that same desperate need.

I love holding your hand
how i can feel your heart beat
in my finger tips
I love the warmth of your skin
against my ever cold body
i love kissing
at night
and in the morning
and when you leave for work
and when you're being silly
i love dancing with you
when i get home
I love being yours
I love you
I am fascinated
You are an enigma
that my scientist brain can never understand
  and my writers heart can never put into words
you are stardust
and stomach butterflies
you are the most nonsensical
and yet most vital concept in my world.
I am convinced that you are magic
and not in the silly tricks kind of way
but in the way magic existed
before people figured out science
and who's to say they are not the same
you can show me the chemicals in my brain
that make up love.
but no,
what we have is magic
because you make me notebooks
out of six pack cardboard,
you make me dance in front of strangers,
and i can't come up
with a sensible reason that you still
steal my breath just by existing.

You are a slow lava flow
hard rock over a
flowing magma heart.

The catch of your breath
feels like a mountain shaking.
You are a calm surface,
a gentle heat,
and every mineral I need.

you may never explode,
but any good geologist would agree
a volcano is the best way to go.

let me die
still studying
the very heart of you,
in 50 years or so.

I'm a ******* in the certain way
we all mostly are
in which the pain with passion is an inseparable thing
it is left over in bite marks and scratches
the illicit passion
but also in a look
and the way the air hangs
too heavy between glances.
and wonders at failed love
in all directions
and the impossibilities the brain makes
in what cannot be known
this form is less safe
and more poison.
it's the voice that reminds
make art or die
and suggests that you intrench yourself
in solitude.
and pain.

Im wearing the dress I wore
That day
Behind that box office window.
I remember you looking at your hands
Like they were suddenly to big for your body
And the words you said to me
"Is there any way I can get to know you better"
Ill tell you everything
Inside my soul

I mummbled "what do you want"
Trying to discover how I could please you
In tossed clothes passion
But you responded the next day
With what you want us to be
... and surprisingly
Im okay
With being your anything.
I didnt want to be anything to anyone
But there is something about you.

Moonstruck
stareing out windows
Frantic fingers type
Manic words
About things i cant explain
Yet need you to understand
Like why i reread the same books
And why i think its funny
That you have the same passion for math
That i have for words
And how those things
Covort in my brain
Like children trying to play the same game of pretend
And that it works for breif moments
Do you see it

After years,
You kiss me goodbye each morning.
You tell me, “Have a good day pretty girl.”
And though I stopped feeling like a girl years ago,
in that moment,
I am something sweet and beautiful and innocent.

I don't know how I summoned you
from the ether
To know my heart so perfectly.
When you touch me I am transmogrified
Into a cat in a sunbeam,
Stretching into contentment

Last year for Christmas you bought
A witchcraft kit,
And though I've never cast a spell
It enchants me
That you, who believe in nothing,
Believe I am magic.

It is actually possible
to  fight Fire with Fire.
Its a process by which
One's fuel is consumed by the Other.

"You're especially beautiful today
There is something different"
"I'm happy"

I am nervous
every time you speak to me
Every time I  know your face
is on the horizon
its been six months
my heart should not be a jack hammer,
or humming bird wings
or 128th beats
But
it still hasn't learned
how to be steady
when my name spills from your lips
like music.
only to keep the time
which is to fast and too slow
in your presence

I feel consistently unwanted
Always afraid
That I’m really worth only
The time someone pays
And when they stop giving
My worth plummets down
I know this is flawed
But it makes a deafening sound
Like so much screaming
Like midnight fights
I’m left in the foray
In the dark of the night
I hate being lonely
I hate how my mind
Turns against me in dreams
How good days it grinds
With one lost moment
It ruins good pace
And I go crazy
Seeing things out of place

My mother is hard stone
She is kind hands
Tired of seeing her work
Dashed against harder rocks
I find it hard to believe
I came from her kinda strength
I don't need anyone strength
Guard your heart strength
She called me today
Knowing I was in pain
She spoke to me on a plaintive way
Asking why I let
Myself fall in love so soon
Let yet another boy
Leave my heart bereft
I told her I couldn't help it
That even my broken heart loves completely
She at first tried to talk me strong
Failing that's she said Sweetly
Summer has only 20 days left
Can you avoid another heart break
Before it ends
I told her I would try
And I still don't know if that's a lie

My mouth hurts from smiling
pulled muscles in my cheeks
trying to force myself into relaxation
but you cross my mind
and my lips pull back into the bow like shape
I cannot stop from forming
as joy feels my mind like a secret
thats just waiting to burst forth.

I come in
standard white girl voice....
but no mine is to deep
"Im sooooo drunk"
Like tell everyone everthing drunk
Too much tequila drunk
Ill talk about my exes and my boyfriend drunk
Glad my roomates are good guys drunk ,
Want to see you drunk
Miss you drunk
Knowing how to pick my poison drunk
Head hung and bleary eyed
Probably have a problem
But im quitting on the new year....
Until st patties day
Im a writer and i need a new bottle of gin drunk.

Artists like us
Have a rare form of narcissism
In which
We think we are ****
But we want others to see our ****
And enjoy it
And when they do.
It's intoxication
To much wine
On an empty stomach
Fade to black

Growing up
My uncle had this *******
Junkyard dog
And the dog had a bear
And i was 5
And i didnt really want the bear
But next thing i knew
It was craddled to my chest
And the dog stratched
to get it back
It left a deep red reminder on my arm
And i hid it from my mom
So she wouldent know i took the dog's bear
I still have a scar there.

But look
what im saying is,
Though this is into the void
And you will never hear it,
I'm sorry.

I love him
I love the way he looks at me
Makes me feel beauty
goddess
fire-brand
The way he vibes with me
all acceptance and waiting arms
I love collapsing into him
letting him support me

But thats just it
I let him support me
I can stand
but I don't have to
how dare you criticize me
for needing him

I am different from you
but I am not wrong
he knows secrets from my lips
i have never spoken to another sole
because he accepts me
and everyone needs to be accepted
and loved unconditionally
He's taught me to be that for myself
by being that for me

something that you never were
who call yourself family

My stomach knots
Say I'm pretty
Take me to bed

Last night I told you what I wanted
You seemed excited to comply.
But now I’m wondering
Is it just an act.
Am I ******* with your happiness
With my adventurous spirit
Do my needs cause you
To feel less loved
I wish if I asked you would tell me
I wish you knew
I care about what you need too

I got nervous before I saw you
Wonder what that means.

It's been a long time
since a boy has said I was funny
Or my intellect was alluring
and I wonder when I stopped
believing those things about myself
and its like the happier I am
The more that I find was missing.
And I wake up a little stronger everyday.
And I wonder how long it can be
like this
who do i become

Here the sun turns cars to ovens
It melted the red lip stick
You said you liked
On my petal lips

So I bought a new shade
Not the same cherry
But a sanguine red
As if I bit my lip
And ran the blood across the soft curves

If my lip bled
I know you'd lick it off
That kiss would taste
like rain and rust and wet flowers

The point is
I know you'd like this colour
And that makes me smile

Now I sleep with my windows open
the world smells sweeter
because you exist

I mean I'm sure its the same
corruption and shame
it's always been

but you
make something new
of the moon.

You keep asking me to come back to you
I can't because I don't love you
But also because
I can't forget you hitting me
Or bossing me around.

No doesnt mean pursuade me
Doesn't mean kiss my neck
Doesn't mean try to talk me to bed
No means I'm done with this situation
That ive found something new
No doesn't leave it up for discussion
My careful distance
doesn't mean move closer
Or pour me another drink
Or take a salty tone with me
No means leave me alone
I've got somthing else going
Chase your own things
Give me my space...
I'm done
Hes beautiful
If you want to be friends
I'll tell you about him

Nothing reminds me of you,
you never leave my mind.

Recovery days are necessary
but I cannot get away from you long enough
For my tongue to stop turning to ash
In my throat
And for food to taste like food
I'm glad I can make my coffee have calories
Because every time I eat I *****
Brave face starts today
With a run
And a smile

Cheater

a friend doesn’t let you **** up your life

that girl was not your friend.

I’m sorry to ruin that for you

the solace that you took

at least you got a friend

in the end

that girl that let your throw it away

that saw how miserable you were in the end

that girl was not your friend.

I’m not saying it was her fault

it was yours

I’m merely saying that a friend would have made sure

you would have been okay

that girl was not your friend.

And then you lied to your other friends

said that we were open

i really should not be your friend

I wish I could draw hands
There's something remarkable about yours
When you are holding your camera
Or your coffee cup
Or when you lean
against the kitchen door frame
In dawn light
One handed grasp on the pullup bar
And the flow of your forearms
And the way your sleep heavy eyes
Reach mine

I look at you like a painting
I love but can never afford to touch
Walking to the gallery every day
Trying to memorize
The way the light bends around it
Wondering if i can talk the artist
Into giving it to a loving home
For the 50 bucks in my pocket.
I dont have much
...
But this broken mind
And that youve filled it.
Yesterday,
I bartended in the summer rain
And could only remember
that you said
You love to dance.
Nobody
Not even the rain
Compares to you

I actually like you
So now I'm afraid
Its really hard for me
To give you that rope...
To let you close
I am terrified
I can handle being used
I expect it
I can handle being a muse
Or a fling
Or a passionate something

But I am Afraid of this
Of you making me smile
Of anything like this
I wasnt going to do this again
Ever
And I dont wanna let you hurt me
But I wanna let you in
And those things are not mutually exclusive.

Ive written at least 168 poems
since july 1st of this year
Ive written 64 since our third date in September
Which is when I started writing about you,
and at least 54 of them have been about you,
and I wish that didn't sound crazy.

For 3 months I've been
60 percent of a girlfriend
There are 3 hearts involved
And that's about 2 tons of emotional carnage
I cried myself to sleep 3 times last night
You sent 5 text messages
There is 1 person who can fix this
I'm 100 percent done spending time on you
Because my heart is 100 percent broken
I haven't broke like this
since i was young
Screaming into my 2 pillows
But you've 3 years of history
And I'm sure even more of being miserable
But my 10 fingers
1 mouth
And 2 eyes
Must be closed to the subject

I'm entirely made of salt
Over the things you have said
And how confused they have left me
"If this is you cold
Your warmth must have been radiant"
Good luck with your long game
She is so ******* lucky