sometimes
i catch myself
looking over at you
just
laughing,
eating,
or working,
and i catch myself
feeling completely immersed
in a feeling of joy
...
but then
sometimes
i look over at you
and you're
staring at the ground,
or staring off into space,
or just staring into nothing,
and because i know
that thats what you do
when you feel nothing at all
i catch myself
feeling the need
to do anything
to make you feel something
...
and then
after all the staring is done
and you are
perfectly balanced
on the spectrum of emotion
i catch myself thinking

why aren't you ever looking over at me?


― j.r.

just a door away
from the pain
the ache
and the terrible mistakes
that held u in chains

just a door away
from all the tears you
shed
and the world that soon,
consumed you whole

just a door away
from your dreams and
the failures that could have kept them
alive
(at least for a little longer)

just a door away
from what nobody imagined
you would do

and it was just the door
nobody opened
that became the one that
kept you hidden away

**when you let death and beauty
play a game

i write poems and stories about you
that you'll never get to read*

but one day,
if you try hard enough
you'll read them through my tears,
see them beneath my scars
and feel them through the pieces that used to hold my heart

maybe then,
you'll bother to pick up my pieces
and glue them to yours
maybe then,
you'll let me keep some of yours for reading
maybe then,
you'll know that i've *loved you more than even i can possibly bear

I see so much pain.
So much hurt and depression.
Talk of suicide and self injury.
I know nothing that anyone says will help the hurt.
So I encourage everyone who knows someone like this,
To just listen.
Don't try giving advice,
It doesn't help.
Don't tell us stories of yourself in a similar situation,
We are different.
We just want someone to listen to us and be there for us.

And for everyone who feels worthless and ready to die,
Hang in there.
You are loved.
More people than you could imagine care about you.
I know it won't be easy at all,
But try.
Even if you only find one reason to live and a million to die,
Fight for that one reason.

I separated my mind and heart, because they never can agree. Always seem too have different needs, and bicker endlessly.

I built a wall up higher, trying to protect my soul. My mind said he would break me, my heart couldn't take another toll.

My heart kept whispering his name, and longing for his touch. I couldn't make my mind agree, it warned it's far to much.

Hearts must be made of glass, and we keep our minds in chains. After all the heartache I've endured, maybe only a pretty face remains.

Conflicted because I never got to say, all that I might. Tormented by the memories of you, and how my mind and heart still fight.

how does one
just pick a flower
from a full bloom

how does one like
just one thing
of this divine spring

love every flower
say the bird and the bee
this is nature. no monogamy

i long for a love that i cannot reach and cannot hold
it is a love so far away from tangibility and from the dreams that keep me awake (yet asleep) at night
it binds me to nothing because nothing is all i can obtain
yet nothing is everything that means something to me:
nothing is everything that i cannot grasp within the tiny hands that have carved these thoughts for a lifetime
because the possibility of our love is as slim as a starving human
and as unfathomable as the thousands of stars that overwhelm me as i gaze up at them
what we have is truly inorganic, lifeless, tired to the bone
it is sterile and unfertilised, impossible to merely thrive or bloom,
burdensome like the words that have made me who i am today
and stagnant like the brain of a dead man rotting

in other words,
our love is and will never be a reality
because you are a masterpiece
and i'm a disaster


**(( still i long ))

I wish I could fly

Up to the sky

So that when I cry

My tears and my pain

Will blend with the rain

Then no one will know

I’m dying so slow

I’ll lie on a cloud

And fade away.

A burst of flames, as if that would help.
I'm filled with anger, the worst I've ever felt.
I don't know how to control it, I don't know how to let it go.
Because every thought that comes by, loosing my life is all I know.

Flames coming through my eyes.
I'm worked up over my life of lies.
For now it's become too much for me to bare.
I'm filled up with rage, and I'm ready for it to burst into the air.

My thoughts are polluted.
Shame, anger, rage is included.
My minds wrecked with this pain.
Everyday it seems to be the same.

But now it's too much to handle.
It's too much to be tangible
So this answer is true.
To reach peace, taking my life is what I have to do.