When we broke, You told me that me that although you're the last person I should be hearing this from, I should be rational even during my saddest times. It was as though you knew I'd harm myself when the pain overwhelmed me.

No love, I'm not suicidal- we both said it before. I won't **** myself over something like this just as how I know you won't. the physical will survive.

But what you don't know is that the internal has died. It first died when we broke, it died the second time when we talked and laughed and our smiles faded when we realised that the time to part was coming as we saw the sun rise. It died a third time when I cried and for the first time- you didn't hold me, Nor apologise. And it died a thousand times over when you let me walk away.

After our conversation last night,
I woke up today feeling as though I hadn't slept at all.
You know that feeling of complete emptiness when you lose the one your love? That numb sensation as you lay in bed, peering out the window with the music on just to drown your thoughts.
I thought of you, every single minute of today.
I created a playlist Just to block my emotions today, but the moment the music stopped I cried.

I don't smoke,
Yet I bought a pack of cigarettes today- the ones you first smoked: Winston light.
I won't open it, I will though- if you tell me, after these excruciating 21 days, that I should find someone else.
But you won't ever know that.

The only way I'm surviving now is by having faith in our love (as you told me once haha). And by having faith that maybe you're different. I'm not as strong as you think and I've been weared down by love and I honestly thought that you were the one. so please. Don't leave

You shouldn’t be there
At the back of my mind
You shouldn’t be
My morning and waking hour thoughts
You shouldn’t be
my 11:11 mantra
You shouldn’t be
my wish upon a shooting star
You shouldn’t be there
It’s very unconventional
You should be here, right here
Right beside me, here in my arms

Out on the dock
You asked for my heart
So many times it was torn apart
This one is different
I lied to myself but it was ok
Sometimes smiles minimize pain
Doubt in the back of my mind
I show you my scars
My ocean of secrets
My oasis of truth
My bottles full of past things I never let go
Reopen old wounds for you
Very unconventional
But it was you and you deserved to know
You broke bottle after bottle when I begged you to stop
Tore out my heart and left me dying on the dock
No tears fell from my eyes
You looked into mines, turned around and never took a second glance
But I begged for you to come back and help me
Screamed your name but you ignored
As my blood mixed with the salt in the ocean
I saw into the future
You with another girl
Where was I
Out on the dock
Waiting for something that wasn't going to happen
Unconventional and unintentionally
I cut off anything that could've healed me
Surrounded my self with glass
Bound by the past
Love I couldn't let go of held me back

And I had to walk away
I was just hoping at least he noticed I didn't run