I'm uncomfortable
I'm uncomfortable in this feminine peice of **** others call a body
I look in the mirror and all I see is deadname
My body isn't me
My body is deadname
I figured this out yesterday
So I finalized my decision to get top surgery
Only to find out that my insurance matches my peice of **** body
Top surgery isn't covered
Apparently it's cosmetic
*******
You don't have to live in a body that's wrong
It's not my fault I was put in a body with ***** and curves and bumps in all the wrong places
I don't have 5000 dollars because I already had to pay for intensive outpatient therapy that insurance wouldn't cover
What's the point of having insurance if it only costs and doesn't pay

Honestly sometimes I miss it
The friends
The food
The care
But then I remember how nice it was to walk outside
How weird it was to walk into a store by myself
How odd it was to have access to knifes
Everyone says they care
And for the most part they do
But you're the only one that has to deal with the darkness all the time
I miss the constant care
People making sure I was safe
Now I have to make sure I'm safe
And as much as I want to be alive
I want to be dead
But it's okay because struggling means I'm living and I can't loose anything by living
Dying will always be there

if you can hear me whisper, why cant you hear me yell

is the tone of my voice disrespectful

its not trying to be

its just a voice running for its life

its scared

my apologies for its rudeness while it pants for breath

i cut today and didn’t tell a soul

didn’t cry for help

not because no one cares

i know they do

alot of people care and they almost care too much

the reason ive gone quiet is because i dont care

im tired and feel like i don’t have an effect on anything

like my life is running its course without any input from me

my stomach didn’t like the food i tried to put into it

so it took me out of dance

i’m memorizing terms for a major i already ****** up my chances of getting into

i cant sleep when i want to

and cant stay awake when i want to

i want to make a difference yet i don’t

i go silent

cant help those who need me

im trapped in a stupid tiny arrogant little box and cutting was my way of trying to get out

it didn’t work, i didn’t cut far enough

but i can now see the marks on the box

marks that i made

at least i see i have some influence

even if its just the ability to make my stupid tiny arrogant box shabbier.

I see your face

I feel your breath

I fell your touch

I turn and Im alone



I see your face

I close my eyes

I feel your breath

I hold my own

I feel your touch

I squirm and shrink

I turn and Im alone



Your face

Your breath

Your touch

that was then



this is now

caring face

my breath

no ones touch

this is now



that was then

the world is sad

the deaths are constant

the heartbreaks are like twigs breaking beneath tiny childrens feet

the catastrophic events are like birds flying overhead, swooping down occasionally

the violence, like sparks from the fire that burns in all of us

that fire burns within all of us

until it doesnt

it can suddenly flicker

and it can grow colder and colder

till is coal and cold

i wonder if the birds beaks like the taste of tiny childrens feet

if the sparks fuel the joyful jog of children till the beaks swoop down and eat them whole

i wonder if the forests fires scare the birds into the air

swarms flying flying flying

air full of beating wings

children crying

people screaming

bodies falling

bodies lying

birds swooping

birds eating

bodies dissapearing

smaller bodies wondering

small cries fill the air

crackles of fire join them

hear the sound

smell the smell

I hear it makes some ill

But Im so used to it by now ive stopped plugging my nose

the smell of charred flesh is near me

surrounds me

is me

I feel trapped

trapped in time

time moves so slowly and there is no way of escaping it

you want to be in the past

too bad

you want to be in the future

*******

time moves at whatever pace it pleases

and you have nothing to do about it

its like a train, there isnt even a bus driver to yell at

even worse the train moves at weird paces

sometimes its lightning fast

and other times its the slowest thing ever

most of the time for me its the slowest thing

because im done

but time says im not

im ready for kids and a family of my own that i love

but im not there yet

time wont let me be there yet

I fear you as you stand there and I sit here
I fear you, you stand there, I sit here
I fear, you stand, I sit
Fear is standing where I sit
Maybe if I stand it sits?
If I stand it sits
I stand it sits
I stand
Now maybe it’ll leave me alone
Maybe it’ll leave me alone
It’ll leave me alone
Me Alone
Alone
The quiet’s not nearly as unnerving as I thought
Nearly as unnerving as I thought
Unnerving as I thought
I thought
Thought
I’m lonely without you standing on me
I’m lonely you’re standing on me
You’re standing on me
You’re on me
You’re me