Have you seen my heart?
I might have lost it
Have you heard my heart?
I might have misplaced it
Have you felt my heart?
I might have left it behind
Have you tasted my heart?
I think you might have eaten it

I'm uncomfortable
I'm uncomfortable in this feminine peice of **** others call a body
I look in the mirror and all I see is deadname
My body isn't me
My body is deadname
I figured this out yesterday
So I finalized my decision to get top surgery
Only to find out that my insurance matches my peice of **** body
Top surgery isn't covered
Apparently it's cosmetic
*******
You don't have to live in a body that's wrong
It's not my fault I was put in a body with ***** and curves and bumps in all the wrong places
I don't have 5000 dollars because I already had to pay for intensive outpatient therapy that insurance wouldn't cover
What's the point of having insurance if it only costs and doesn't pay

I wish someone would’ve caught this when I was looking at suicidal poems online,

when i was sitting in my room so stuck in my mind I couldn’t move,

when i stopped eating,

when i started losing interest in my life.

I wish someone would’ve caught this a year and a half ago on the 14th of February

when i was in so much pain that digging a pen into my thigh was a relief

Instead I made friends who were in as much pain as i was

who understood my want to die

who didn’t tell me that i needed help

who didn’t talk me into a therapist.

By the time I asked for help by myself it was august a year and a half after my depression became noticeable

2 years after I stopped eating more than two things at lunch

6 months after i became suicidal

6 months after i spent a night in my room begging to die on my birthday listening to the same song over and over crying  because i didn’t want another year of life

i wanted to die

I wish someone would’ve caught it…

But I catch it now…

Or I try to, others help me catch it, others do whats best for me.

I didn’t get help till 6 months after i was suicidal

It makes sense that 3 months and one year later I’m still struggling

especially when i only decided to live for myself 44 days ago on may 9th

I imagine its always harder to undue something than it is to do  it.

So i imagine its gonna take longer than 6 months to overcome my suicidal thoughts.

especially if it took me a year and 2 months to decide to live after a year and two months of wanting to die

fight my darling and remember,

I love you

Honestly sometimes I miss it
The friends
The food
The care
But then I remember how nice it was to walk outside
How weird it was to walk into a store by myself
How odd it was to have access to knifes
Everyone says they care
And for the most part they do
But you're the only one that has to deal with the darkness all the time
I miss the constant care
People making sure I was safe
Now I have to make sure I'm safe
And as much as I want to be alive
I want to be dead
But it's okay because struggling means I'm living and I can't loose anything by living
Dying will always be there

I fear you as you stand there and I sit here
I fear you, you stand there, I sit here
I fear, you stand, I sit
Fear is standing where I sit
Maybe if I stand it sits?
If I stand it sits
I stand it sits
I stand
Now maybe it’ll leave me alone
Maybe it’ll leave me alone
It’ll leave me alone
Me Alone
Alone
The quiet’s not nearly as unnerving as I thought
Nearly as unnerving as I thought
Unnerving as I thought
I thought
Thought
I’m lonely without you standing on me
I’m lonely you’re standing on me
You’re standing on me
You’re on me
You’re me

There's a sensation in my *******
It's annoying and raw
They tell me it's just cause I have to ***
But to me it's all wrong
It associates itself with hands on my thighs
With unwanted whispers in my ear
With a finger in me
A finger that is not mine

There's a sensation in my *******
That makes me feel unsafe
It makes me want to chop it off so I never feel again
It makes me leave my body
It makes me never want to come back
It makes me want to cry
It makes me want to die

you asked me to draw my past
i drew in red lines and harsh corners with no boundries
red lines because my body is covered in them
harsh corners because the turns my life took often make my neck snap
no boundries because i knew no wrong felt no remorse saw nothing as off limits
you asked me to draw my present
i left the paper blank
i feel nothing
i am nothing
whatever people say to me to help me recover is who i become
i am like a mirror or a blank slate reflecting what the artist wants to see
you ask me to draw my future
i draw triangles and rectangles
because the turns are still sharp but more expected
and i am fitting into society but i'm not a box

Why can't you hear me
Why won't you listen
Why won't you pay attention to me
Why do you ignore me
Why do you hate me
Why do you despise me
Why do you love me
Why do you care so much
Why do you want me to stay alive
Why do ignore me
Why do you not care enough about me
Why don't you pay attention to me

I feel trapped

trapped in time

time moves so slowly and there is no way of escaping it

you want to be in the past

too bad

you want to be in the future

*******

time moves at whatever pace it pleases

and you have nothing to do about it

its like a train, there isnt even a bus driver to yell at

even worse the train moves at weird paces

sometimes its lightning fast

and other times its the slowest thing ever

most of the time for me its the slowest thing

because im done

but time says im not

im ready for kids and a family of my own that i love

but im not there yet

time wont let me be there yet

Somebody once told me they didn't know what slam poetry was
I stared at them waiting for them to laugh
I truly thought they were joking
They weren't
My mind internally interrogated her
But what do you do when you're feeling something so intensely you hold your breath and your whole body freezes
What do you do when you can't talk to anyone about what you're going through because they don't believe you
What do you do...
But then I realized
The only reason I know slam poetry is those nights I sat with a blade by myself in the dark of my room late into the night wondering whether it was more of a sin to **** myself or to be gay
The times I was having two to three panick attacks a night and had no one to hold me
I realized that she didn't have mental health issues
I realized she wasn't queer
I realized she didn't have any minority status besides being a girl and she didn't even feel strongly about that
While I'm still not a fan of those nights in the dark by myself with only a phone in front of me
I'm thankful for the voices and words who conveyed such emotion to let me know that I'm not alone
To let me know that someone feels as passionately as I do
To give me words to feel my feelings
So I'm glad that girl didn't know what slam poetry was because it meant she hadn't suffered but I hope one day when she finally hits a bump in the road that she finds friends in powerful voices just as I did

The future screams to me
And so does the past
It wants me to succeed
It tells me of my torments
I want it
I want nothing to do with it
I hear it screaming begging waiting
I hear it whispering whimpering waiting

It follows me
Meandering behind me like a lost hungry dog
I turn around and it lowers its head slightly
I keep walking, feeling it's stare
I go into a bakery, it waits outside
It looks lonely and hungry yet I'm afraid
Afraid of it hurting me
It looks gnarled and rough, grey around the edges
It won't leave me, it simply trails behind me
I ponder who it's owner is
I walk a few more blocks
Maybe it will leave
I turn around its still there
I wonder again who the owner is
I decide to find out
I feed it a piece of bread, all while feeling frightened that I might lose a finger
While it is occupied I peer at his collar
And what I see makes sense
Misery
My phone number

twenty seven
twenty seven days without the love of my life
twenty seven days of agonizing pain spent in terribly agony
twenty seven days free from someone whos love had expired long ago
twenty seven days trying to love myself
twenty seven days trying to fight to not call her
twenty seven days in turmoil
twenty seven days of taping my phone to the counter
twenty seven days of spontaneous beach trips
twenty seven days of misery
twenty seven days realizing just how far I had fallen for her mischievous smile and steady gaze
twenty seven of the best worst days of my life

I want to **** myself
How do I tell my loved ones that I'm suicidal again
Nothin bads happened
I just feel hopeless again
They stay positive when I tell them there's no point to life
Which ****** me off
Cause I can't see it
This mythical rainbow that y'all speak about
Just ****** me off cause all I see is black and white
Life or death
Happiness or sadness
Hate or love
I hate you for being able to see the rainbow
Because I can't
All I see is black and white in a sea of red
Nothing seems to help and I don't know how to tell you that
Because every time I do you try to make me feel better
But that's not what I need
I need you to come join me in my depression hole for a while so I'm a little less alone
Don't point out the rainbow
Just comment on the black and white and don't comment on the fact that I live in a sea of red

24 24 24 24 24
Up down up down up down
Dear lord thank you for this day thank you for all you've done please save me and help me have faith in you
Up down up down up down
27 27 27 27 27 27
Up down up down up down
Please keep me safe lord and help me to be saved and have faith in you and please forgive me for my sins
Itch itch itch
Up down up down up down
Itch itch itch
Up down up down up down
Please forgive me for my sins lord I love you please help me to have faith in you and thank you for this day
Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
Up
Down
Up down
Up down
Up down up down up down

Why do you go in the water at night doesn't it scare you
Why yes it does
But that's why I love it
It's the one time I'm afraid for a reason other people are too
And along with the fear I feel relief
Relief from wanting to **** myself
Because while I'm in this dark black water with no moonlight
If I were to die it wouldn't be my fault
It wouldn't be because I slit my wrists it wouldn't be my fault
It would be because I drowned on accident
Or a shark came and ate me
Or I died of pneumonia
They wouldn't write in my obituary that I struggled and eventually committed suicide
They would write what an amazing kid I was and that God took their little angel away too soon
Just for a while my death isn't on my shoulders
So yes I am afraid but I'm also liberated

I wrote a note
No
I wrote the note
The note of notes
The final note
Well what was supposed to be the final note
I was in the tub
The last tub
With a blade
The blade
Against my wrist
The right wrist
Because the left is the second wrist
But my note
The note
Wasn't printed out
It was still on my phone
How can you write a note
The last note
And not know that it will be seen
So I wrote the note
The last note
And now I have a chance to write more notes
So what do I do with the last note

maybe i need to accept my flaws
what flaws?
no darling no more denial
you jump without leaping
leap without jumping
you dont think about the situation in its entirety
you didnt think about the situation surrounding her
you just saw her and your feelings for her
you didnt think you just leaped
youu leaped without jumping
and jumped without leaping
you need to do both
you need to jump and leap
you need to remember that situations come in wholes
not halves or quarters or eighths
they come in wholes
jump and leap my darling
jump and leap

My arm is wrapped in white
My arm is covered in red hard things
My nails and my arms don't get along
They battle a lot
My arm hardly ever wins

I see your face

I feel your breath

I fell your touch

I turn and Im alone



I see your face

I close my eyes

I feel your breath

I hold my own

I feel your touch

I squirm and shrink

I turn and Im alone



Your face

Your breath

Your touch

that was then



this is now

caring face

my breath

no ones touch

this is now



that was then

Can I **** myself?
I don't know can you?
May I **** myself?
Were you not taught any manners?
May I please **** myself?
Yes dear, go ahead.

I can't forget about you
You see
You're trapped in my head
The audio on repeat
Oh ****
Oh ****
Oh ****
Over and over again
Those two words that started this whole mess
Oh ****

I was hungry
But I don't want to eat
I want to starve

if you can hear me whisper, why cant you hear me yell

is the tone of my voice disrespectful

its not trying to be

its just a voice running for its life

its scared

my apologies for its rudeness while it pants for breath

i cut today and didn’t tell a soul

didn’t cry for help

not because no one cares

i know they do

alot of people care and they almost care too much

the reason ive gone quiet is because i dont care

im tired and feel like i don’t have an effect on anything

like my life is running its course without any input from me

my stomach didn’t like the food i tried to put into it

so it took me out of dance

i’m memorizing terms for a major i already ****** up my chances of getting into

i cant sleep when i want to

and cant stay awake when i want to

i want to make a difference yet i don’t

i go silent

cant help those who need me

im trapped in a stupid tiny arrogant little box and cutting was my way of trying to get out

it didn’t work, i didn’t cut far enough

but i can now see the marks on the box

marks that i made

at least i see i have some influence

even if its just the ability to make my stupid tiny arrogant box shabbier.

the world is sad

the deaths are constant

the heartbreaks are like twigs breaking beneath tiny childrens feet

the catastrophic events are like birds flying overhead, swooping down occasionally

the violence, like sparks from the fire that burns in all of us

that fire burns within all of us

until it doesnt

it can suddenly flicker

and it can grow colder and colder

till is coal and cold

i wonder if the birds beaks like the taste of tiny childrens feet

if the sparks fuel the joyful jog of children till the beaks swoop down and eat them whole

i wonder if the forests fires scare the birds into the air

swarms flying flying flying

air full of beating wings

children crying

people screaming

bodies falling

bodies lying

birds swooping

birds eating

bodies dissapearing

smaller bodies wondering

small cries fill the air

crackles of fire join them

hear the sound

smell the smell

I hear it makes some ill

But Im so used to it by now ive stopped plugging my nose

the smell of charred flesh is near me

surrounds me

is me

Blood dripping down my long black nails

The days are meager
Meaningless
Insignificant
Except they're not
Not here they aren't
There are hours and hours
Of group and home towers
The seconds fly by
Like the sun in the sky
You wilt and you grow
Stuck with absolutely nothing to throw
You laugh and you cry
But cont;nue to try
The days are mighty
Meaningful
Magnificent