Spoke to God recently
told him I'm lonely
told him that my friends keep leaving me
that it hurts
that I'm feeling weak
empty

He told me

as the anxiety was sinking deep

You don't see what I see
The beautiful people you shall someday meet

There is a future beyond your track record
that fills you will disappointment
and isolation
every time you think - overthink about it

But you are not filled with the things you keep telling yourself

or defined by your circumstances that seem to confirm your feelings

You are filled with me
Full of promise
and
Love that eradicates fear
a Lionees
that is not waiting to be loved
but waiting to be her full powerful beautiful self

your loneliness is cured in knowing yourself with Me

Too many expectations;

with too much reality

causes

too much disappointment

and too little

euphoria for me

:) hi

Push back that limp piece of hair behind the thinness of your ears
and look at yourself full on, no make-up, or mask, or paint or picture
just DNA,
yours.

I see waves of songs and lyrics attached to flesh, can you hear it?
That transcendental vocal  like a babies cry and a mother tender eye,
a demise too immortal for human opinion.

But I know you hear it too, the other sound of lies that are inescapable
and so pungent it turns milk sour and crushes noses
you take small bites, and pretend to dance
as you listen to that melody as if it was truth

but darling its not truth,
for the acne scars, and full lips, the birthmarks and stolen hips,
flat chest, and dent of skin, is beautiful to me cause I see what's flowing from within

I want to be left alone
yet I want someone to talk to me
I want to drown in my thoughts
but cant stop thinking, thinking about that one thought that is killing me
I wish and pray and scream for a way out of this misery
and when it does come I can't handle it; the normality,
the security...
the unfamiliar thing called happiness
the suspense of what will happen next
....Because those things don't come easy
or free to me

What's wrong with me?

Shower cry's
late nights
silver highs,
running lights
bruised limbs
strangled throats
looking for

our suicide notes

'Nothing bad is going to happen'

is the alternative thought that

I wish would stop me bleeding.