If he were a poem
   he would be both starlight on a crystal
   and untouchable sunlight through the clouds
   in a miraculous acrylic portrait
   he's something reminiscent of an ancient time
   where love flowed freely
   against it's turmoil and twists
   because he is endless where he began
   a being with no end or compass to land
   he is someone I've loved

If she were a poem
   she would be a window view of autumn leaves
   curled with a good book and fresh brewed tea
   she is a porcelain doll with many cracks
   cracks I tried to fill with laughs
   that foolishly I thought would last
   because she was a drop of honey
   in a poisoned glass
   she is someone I've loathed

If my best friend were a poem
   she would be stained glass windows
   during the golden hour
   wine stained colors dancing on sunlight
   tracing along my skin
   because she feels like a fractured memory
   of true religion and a cacophony
   of all that good faith could be
   she is someone I need

If I were a poem
   I wonder what I'd be?
   would I be like a lark crying out to be heard
   singing into darkness
   just till the moment passes?
   or would I be more like an ivory statue
   a moment frozen in something ephemeral?
   I can guess and theorize
   but I will never know

Because I am the poet-
                                             and not the muse.

If from this world too soon I may depart
Weep at your loss, keep me in your heart
But do not live in those tears,
Do not stay awake with all your fears.

If I part before my time has been deemed enough
Forgive whatever happened, for life is rough
Cry once, cry twice, but smile every time after
Because I once filled your life not with tears, but with laughter.

Do not feel guilty that you are smiling, laughing, living
I don’t want you to live like you are dying, life is forgiving
I have left you behind so much of myself in writing; in my art
Find my stories, my poetry, my loose thoughts and see my heart.

Remember to feel, allow yourself to hurt and grieve
Then learn to look at the world again and believe
That while grief will come and go, you can not lose your glow
Keep something of me with you, but do not forget to let go

If I leave you far too soon
Breathe, be happy and to your pain become immune
Remember me, remember all the stupid things I used to do
And with everyday live your life and to yourself, be true

I only cry when I think of you

I don't cry when I talk about my childhood trauma
Of the times I'd been let down, berated or broken
When I was shut down and shunned
When I felt mute and voiceless
When I felt alone and empty
I don't cry until I talk about you
About how I loved you, and how I'll never stop

I've been hurt before you
I've been hurt again after you
But it's interesting how there is a before and after you
As if that's how I divide my life
Divide the way I feel

When I think about you
I think about the day we met 10 years ago
In the choir classroom of our middle school
In the karaoke homeroom
We were young, ridiculous and open
We were outcasts who saw eachother
We were outcasts who were seen for the first time

I never felt like I had to hide from you
I never had to pretend to be someone I was not
I think about how we would laugh and smile with eachother
How we almost felt like we had an us vs them against the world
I think about how I loved you before I knew what love was

I think about everytime you called me and your voice
Somehow always seemed to save me
As if you knew every tear before they fell
Years and years, but you never stopped calling
And I suppose, I never stopped waiting
I never stopped answering

I think about the days we were together
When we reconnected in highschool
When we fell in love
How I can read our entire relationship through texts
How I can hurt myself and heal myself over and over
Like a wound that never heals, never scars
I think about how desperately I wished I didn't love you
How wrong it makes me feel being unable to let you go

I think of how you taught me what it meant to be loved
And what it meant to love

I think about how I'm alright with being your friend
With never showing you my writing
With never telling you how much I've loved you
I think about how I'm satisfied
With knowing I will never be more
And how it is worth it and I don't know why

I think about growing up
Of growing farther away from those memories
Farther away from the choir classroom
Farther away from the phone calls out of nowhere
Farther away from a version of you who loved me
And I realized I'll never grow away from the me who loves you

I only cry when I think of you
When I'm sober, when I'm not
And it's never a tear of hurt
Not from something you'd done
Nor from something you'd said
But from all the things I wish you did
From all the things I wish I could
For all the poetry you may never see
For all the love you'll never know

I only cry when I think of you
Because I love you when I know
That I should be able to let you go

I hope that there is a lifetime
   an alternate reality
   a dream
   where you choose me
   the way I will always
   choose you

And I understand
   that it cannot be
   this time
   this place
   this life

But even so
   don't you think
   that it's a little cruel
   that you will always
   have me

In a way that I
   will never have
   you?

My flower petals
Fell like empty shooting stars
With no wish to grant

Like a shooting star
You passed me quick and quiet
I forgot to wish

Now as spring leaves green
I wish on all that I see
Can you hear it now?

My summons for you
All my whispers on the wind
Calling you to me

I feel like my body
   is made of grains of rice
   when you hold me I collapse
   and skip through your grasp
   one day someone will either
   slip with me
   or help me hold us together

It conjures within me
   such a deep tingling sensation
   like an army of ants
   marching through my veins
   I wonder if it is
   anxiety and dread
   or perhaps delirious delight?

I'd like to give to you
   bouquets of pink carnations
   and forget-me-nots
   for I will never forget you
   even when you forget me
   I'll preserve our forever
   In these fallen flower petals

I sometimes wonder
    if I am broken
    like a faucet that
    won't stop running
    since my love for you
    seems ever flowing

Like a waterfall
    the feelings crash
    as strong as a river
    as deep as an ocean
    and I beg and plead
    for a drought

Surely,
    there is nothing left
    for me to feel and yet
    unrelenting snowstorms blow
    so I pray for avalanches
    to bury me whole

heart to mind
mind to pen
pen to paper
the steps I take
to put what's mine
where it will shine

but sometimes
heart has different plans
it skips those steps
and instead lands
into your ready hands

Do poets know
      that they're alive?
      not simply spectators
      set aside

Do writers know
      that they are heard?
      that they are more
      than written word

Do you ever feel
      that words you write today
      are all the things
      you cannot say?

The sky was clear that day
But I felt it anyway
The sun was shining
Ever bright
But still I knew
Something wasn't right

I couldn't stop
I couldn't hit the breaks
Blew past every sign
Down memory lane

All the places
All the streets
All the paths
I look for scraps
I try to find
Traces of you
Left behind
All the flowers bloomed in May
All have died and withered away

I fell in love with subtle things
And it's all those little things
That I can't live without
But now I'm trying to learn how
And when I hear your name
I try so hard to refrain
From going back down memory lane

I was never able to stop loving you
And sometimes when I least expect it
I remember that and it tears me apart
I cry myself to sleep thinking of what we could have been

You taught me what it meant to be loved
How it felt
You taught me how to fall in love
And what it meant to lose it

But you never broke my heart,
I was never able to sever that sense of longing
If the competition of who loved who more
Ever named a victor,
It would be me

Because I wrote poetry about you as a friend
As I fell in love with you and the way I denied it
How I tried to push the feelings aside  
To be your ally when you needed me to be
How I conceded and realized
I was only lying to myself

I wrote about you as I fell in love,
As I fell deep and hard
I wrote when we were together
I wrote about my longing
About my desire and adoration,
About how I fell deeper and deeper
I wrote about futures and dreams

I also wrote about when it all ended,
About all the tears I shed in secret
About the pain I'd felt for the first time,
Of losing something I cherished so deeply

I wrote about how I couldn't stop loving you
No matter how hard I tried
About pushing my feelings aside
And sacrificing them to be your devoted friend,
About how that tore me up inside

I wrote about how no matter how many years passed,
I couldn't make the feelings dissipate any less
I realized in every letter I wrote,
That I would never be able to stop loving you,
And that it would have to be okay,
Even if it felt like it never would

I love you,
Even today
And while I may never call you mine again,
I will always be yours

The first time taught me what love was not
That you can’t force yourself to feel what just isn’t there
And I know it wasn’t fair
That my love for him just wasn’t there
But I tried my best to open up
I tried to write songs and poetry from the heart
But the words wouldn’t flow
Just like my love for him, it couldn’t grow
And that’s how I knew
That I could never love him
Not in the way he wanted me to

And so we parted on good terms, or so I thought
But he was broken hearted and I was not
He lashed out and I couldn’t understand
Why he felt so strongly about the mutual end
He said things, did things that he probably regrets
He probably wished that we’d never met
And perhaps he wasn’t my first love
But he was the first that I tried

The second taught me what love was
What it meant to love, to be loved and to lose it all
He was poetry in the flesh
We always seemed to be
The right people at the wrong time
And I still wish our planets would just stay aligned
He made me feel alive, he made me feel alright
He called me pure, he called me perfect
He called me a queen, a goddess, a rose
We were silly, we were young
But he showed me a love that can’t be outdone
He said I stole his heart
But he was the thief that ran away with my art
My words and all my sentences
Now contain pieces of his essence

When it was over, I wished he’d broken my heart
I know I begged the stars and every deity of love
To keep him in my life even if I couldn’t stand where I wanted to
I wished it were like a band aid I could rip off
So the sting could make me relive the rush
So I could still see the scar of what once was
But he didn’t leave me ****** and broken, just empty and absent
I knew our love was just a blip of borrowed time,
But I felt forever in the way he said he loved me
I felt lifetimes go by in the moments he was mine
A crater of a feeling that I only felt from him
Lives deep down inside me like a bottomless ocean
He will always and forever be the one with all of my devotion

I’ve loved and I've learned
The lessons are there
Like the bridges I burned
And through all the heartbreaks and bad days
It puts a smile on my face to look back
On all the pieces of my past
Of how I learned what love was not
And all that it could be

Nothing scared me more
Than fearing I could no longer write
I loved you so much
That as you left my life, my heart and mind
You nearly took my words as you went

Words are ****** to a poet
When we run out it makes our blood shiver
Our hands tremble and our lips tremor
A muse becomes an addiction
I miss the high of loving you
I crave the way you made me feel
The cravings dig a hole inside me
Allowing the emptiness to win
It's like my bones are bleeding and my veins are freezing
As I sit with a pen in hand and a paper made of sand

I wish that emotions captured in a sentence or two
Could chase away the withdrawal of being away from you

You are too young for it all
Too young for this much pain
Too young for this much heartbreak
Too young to be chasing halos

The last time we spoke, you hugged me tight
And I felt it then, that hope still in you
That possibility, the light that hadn't gone out
You hugged me tight and I knew
There is still more for you to do

And so I'm begging you to open up your eyes,
Open them and keep them wide

You aren't tired so there's no need for you to sleep
It isn't time to throw in your towel
It isn't time for you to go
It isn't time for you to be chasing halos

When you were smaller I held you in my arms
So sweet, so small, so innocent
You would always smile like you looked up to me
And I knew I had to be good so that you would too
There is still time for you to be anything you dream

So I'm begging you, don't trade your youth for wings

They get the holidays they stole from us
They get Ostara, Yule and Samhain
Easter, Christmas and Halloween
They get the crosses on greeting cards
Their bibles in store aisles
They are praised for those crimes against us
How they hung and hunted us
Drowned and undressed us

They get to stand on their pedestals with megaphones
Outside of schools and businesses
Door to door through neighborhoods
And preach about their hate
Tell us no matter what we believe
If it is not God then it must be sin
That if they do not stop us
Then Lucifer will win

Warts on noses, green skin and greasy hair
That is how a witch is pictured everywhere
Cackling and cursing, evil, wicked and vile
That is the image that they gave to us after they robbed and ***** us
They mock us in their media and treat us like comedies
Turn our magic into fiction and throw out the science
They make a mockery of our practice, spread all these lies of what it is not
Take the death card in tarot, the Tv says it means you’ll die
But a witch will tell you it means a new chapter of your life

Double double toil and trouble
Just once I’d like to see their plans foiled
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Watch as we rebuild from the rubble

Never ask us why we have such anger
Why we don’t want to stand around your manger
Because when people say the word witch
They say it like they call a woman *****

If only I knew what I know now back then
That one day I'd have to call you friend
Maybe I'd have held on a little tighter
Make my smiles just a little brighter
If only I knew how time ebbs and flows
How our garden became a place where no flower grows
Maybe I’d have been a little greedier
Called your name just a little sweeter

But all my love I put in writing
All the time I wasted in hiding
All the words I left unsaid
Left our garden for dead
I am the keeper of these dried up leaves
I think of you and my heart heaves

If only I knew what I know now back then
That one day would mark our end
Maybe I wouldn’t have been so blind
Shown you how bright I thought you shined
If only I knew how time ebbs and flows
I would have shown you how this world glows
Maybe our garden would have become a flower grove
Our secret hidden treasure trove

To love a flower is to love the cycle of death
For a seed will grow into a beautiful bud
That bud will bloom and flourish
Then wither and die
And isn’t it so cruel
The beauty is there for just a moment
And then it’s gone as if it never was

All the lovely fauna
The flowers that grow through concrete
Those dandelions you kick in fields
The trails of Sunflowers on roadsides
And pansies through your neighborhoods

Do you ever stop to wonder
If you ever see the same flower twice?
If the rose you stopped to smell
Is now an empty stem of thorns?

All that lives and dies looks the same
When looked at with a passing eye
When I catch your eye as just another passerby
I hope you think of forget-me-nots

Maybe then you'll keep me in your thoughts

Honey in my tea, dark and deep and sweet
With phantom eyes reflecting, rich and daunting
Through steam and aroma, they taunt me as the leaves steep
     Nostalgia tangles around my throat

Vines that climb, constrict and bind and thrive
Like hands encasing, cruel and menacing
Around my neck, those memories do obstruct
     They catch my breath, cloak my mind

Those Smokey quartz eyes were my favorite place to be lost
Bells sang when I wandered in those endless depths
Bells only ring for joyous occasions after all, right?
     I was never too good at reading warning signs

Clouds so thick, foggy and blind and nebulous
With patchouli scent, lovely and alluring
Like ghostly fingers tracing along my memories
     Such pins and needles in my thoughts

Just like wine, white wine with bubbles that made me blush
The taste was sweet, just like the nothings that poured from your mouth
How sweet, always so sweet when you wanted to be
      That always was my weakness

Stevia leaves, as darkly green as roses leaves
Naturally sweet and desperately deceiving
Roses red, full of secrets hidden beneath ruby petals
     Echoing off those walls within

That’s the thing about poison, you never know it’s there
Till your cup is empty and your heart is heavy
Bittersweet are the sugarcoated words passed between vilified lips
     It was always as toxic as it was sweet

Love is like a bushel of berries, so alluring and safe at a glance
But once you get a taste that sweetness enraptures you so fast
That you have no chance to guess whether it is juniper or death
     It’s all over before you can react

We hide behind a web of wishes weaved within sweet nothings
Lovers words are filled to the brim with promises too burdensome to keep
You close your eyes and begin to blindly leap, but danger never ceases to creep
     And so you fall head first into loves abyss

Belladonna in my tea, dark and deep and sweet
With phantom eyes reflecting, rich and daunting
Through steam and aroma, they taunt me as the leaves steep
     Love is deadly, like venom on your tongue

Honey in my tea, dark and deep and sweet
With phantom eyes reflecting, rich and daunting
Through steam and aroma, they taunt me as the leaves steep
     Nostalgia tangles around my throat

Vines that climb, constrict and bind and thrive
Like hands encasing, cruel and menacing
Around my neck, those memories do obstruct
     They catch my breath, cloak my mind

Clouds so thick, foggy and blind and nebulous
With patchouli scent, lovely and alluring
Like ghostly fingers tracing along my memories
     Such pins and needles in my thoughts

Stevia leaves, as darkly green as roses leaves
Naturally sweet and desperately deceiving
Roses red, full of secrets hidden beneath ruby petals
     Echoing off those walls within

That’s the thing about poison, you never know it’s there
Till your cup is empty and your heart is heavy
Bittersweet are the sugarcoated words passed between vilified lips
     It was always as toxic as it was sweet

Love is like a bushel of berries, so alluring and safe at a glance
But once you get a taste that sweetness enraptures you so fast
That you have no chance to guess whether it is juniper or death
     It’s all over before you can react

We hide behind a web of wishes weaved within sweet nothings
Lovers words are filled to the brim with promises too burdensome to keep
You close your eyes and begin to blindly leap, but danger never ceases to creep
     And so you fall head first into loves abyss

Belladonna in my tea, dark and deep and sweet
With phantom eyes reflecting, rich and daunting
Through steam and aroma, they taunt me as the leaves steep
     Love is deadly, like venom on your tongue

A single intrusive thought
A nostalgic song
Any little thing that reminds me of how your words felt
When they caressed against my heart

I engraved each syllable in my mind
A permanent reminder of the love
That felt like sunlight through clouds;
Starlight through trees

All it takes is one little thing
And I am yours again

I say that being your friend
Is my favorite sacrifice
But the torch I carry
Is a flame that burns like no other
Maybe if I stay close to this fire
One day I'll no longer be able to blister

The way we danced around the words
Talking about how good things were
The good old days and all the things
That we used to laugh about

But things were good when we were in love
But we learned quick that sometimes
Love is just not enough
But when we look back now

There's only before and after
We dance around the times we were together
There's an unspoken pain we share
All the what if's and "why didn't we's"

Nostalgia breaks my heart
Thinking about our love that was art
And how it all just fell apart
But we just twirl, we just spin

We dance around those words

I keep my love for you
under the roses
with eternal petals
in full bloom

The thorns I keep
inside my mind
so I think of you
from time to time

I know that I’ve no right to feel
These feelings weighing down on me
But every time we have these talks
The feelings come crashing back to me

Being kind is the cruelest thing you do to me

I fell in love with
phone calls out of nowhere
deep and endless talks
and the sound of your chuckles

I fell in love with
pointless banter
silly exchanges
and I love you's

I fell in love with
the way you made me laugh
the way you made me smile
and the way you made me cry

I fell in love with
the way you confided in me
the way that you trusted me
and the bravery in your heart

I fell in love with
smokey eyes
long hair
and honesty

I fell in love with
subtle things
and it's all those little things
that I can't live without

After a long day of working on my feet
I love him more than I need to eat
Though my eyes are heavy and body's worn
I love him more than I want to sleep
      
It's been so long since I heard him speak

I've had 9 years to know you
It makes me envy cats,
I wish I had 9 lives to love you

Sunbeams dance in his Smokey Quartz eyes
They meet mine like a subtle kiss
He speaks my name in cursive letters
The sound is like a gentle rain
The way he smiles is intoxicating
I get drunk off the ambrosia that is him

He effortlessly captivates me

Love lays dormant in cemeteries
Sometimes Love claws with bare hands
Out of the grave and back into our arms
Sometimes Love comes back
When the longing outweighs
The ****** hands and broken nails

But Love does not always return
Sometimes Love comes back an urn
The ash of the flame that burned so bright
That it burnt out
Love does not always make it
To cathedral's and wedding halls

Not all bells sound from chapel walls or venue halls
Sometimes the only ringing bells Love hears
Are the ones that bid farewell
The ones we hang with lingering hope
That with a pull of the string
Love will resurrect

But we never forget Love
No matter how small, quick or painful
Love's place in our chests never leaves
In our Mausoleum of Broken Hearts
Lay bouquets of black roses and forget-me-nots
While we wait for love to awake

When others talk
behind your back
misplace your trust
and turn your hope
into scattered dust

While you dwell
on broken promises
heartbreaks and losses
as every bone trembles
looking for some solace

Know when times were rough
and hope was not enough
you were my white knight
and in my life you will always
be the boy with all my love

You are the poetry I wish I could write
Every feeling I get around you
Every word of yours I absorb
Every stare I wish I could immortalize
You are the reason I love to write
You challenge me to describe how I feel
Even when none of these words feel just right
You are the poem I read over and over in my head

The one I wish was mine

In the radiant sun I am exposed to all
In the sunlights embrace I become vulnerable
At night I am protected by all the stars
Veiled under starlight I become something new

Insecurity is brushed away
Pulled back into the shores of my ocean of emotions
A wave of confidence crashes against
And floods my world of anxiety

Under the starlight I transform
I am no longer coward to the eyes of others
I am simply me
A girl surrounded in stars

How can I forget you
When every song I hear reminds me of you?
How can I erase you
When there is nothing that could replace you?
How do I live without you
When you surround me in everything I see?
How do I leave you
If I still dream of all we could be?

I've wished on dandelions
Ladybugs
Stars and constellations
To make my love for you fade
I've begged angels
Demons
Gods and fae
To make your love stay
I never seem to make the right wish
Because I still love you
And you have moved on without me
But in my dreams I still see your smile
And you still tell me how you love me

Why is it I can only have you in fantasy?

Sometimes I smile thinking of him,
then those green thoughts creep inside my head
Who else has he enraptured the way that he has me?
It makes me feel hollow inside
It's a feeling filled with envy, filled with dread
Who else gets stuck inside his head?

I need to find someone else to love
I have oceans and oceans full for you
But you haven't got a single drop for me

I remember how
    he used to say my name
    and it only ever sounded right
    when said by him
  
I remember how
    he used to say he loved me more
    than I loved him
    he wasn't ever ashamed or shy

I remember how
    it felt to be loved by him
    even if it was just a whim
    it didn't feel like it was pretend

I remember how
    since I never could forget-
     I will never love anyone else
    As much as I love him

He means the world to me
But nothing to himself
He is everything to me
How can I make him see?

That he has golden ichor in his veins
His heart beats a mythic tune
When he speaks my world comes undone
A siren sound that lures me close
With his eyes of Smokey Quartz
And the ambrosia on his tongue

Flowers wilt and rot
Yet every season he remains
He’s a treasure that can’t be hidden away
He is priceless in my eyes,
I’ll bleed the world till it sees

Sometimes sweet things are better left a memory
Trying to turn back time
Trying to make things right
Sometimes only leaves a sour taste behind

Sometimes we don't need closure, we need the mystery

You wished on dandelions and ladybugs
For someone to come to you with love
It isn't my fault the Gods sent me,
That I was not up to your standards

You're no Sapphire stone
You who are made of rust and ruin
I didn't ask for you either
Someone of Peridot and Amber,
Would suit me far better

You taught me to smile at the world that let us down
And I don't know why, but when it came from you
I love you felt like a promise
And in your smile I saw a forever I thought could last
Maybe I was wrong for believing in a love so strong
Maybe the times weren't right, maybe the stars weren't aligned

To hell with fate I say, for leading love astray
I saw all I ever wanted in you
Maybe you were just lonely, and maybe I was too
I guess I gave you more love than you could ever return
But if I love you was a lie then I wish you'd have never told the truth

Please tell me it wasn't just because I was there
Tell me that you really cared, that I mattered to you
Tell me my love was one you didn't want to lose
Just don't tell me a lie, you know that isn't fair
I loved you like the earth loves the rain
You gave me love and helped me grow
But you taught me pain

It was a hurt I'd never known
It was holding the world in my hands and having to let it go
Like holding the key to paradise and dropping it down the drain
No, I'd never felt such pain like I did when your love went away
And I had to leave behind the love I needed the most

I try to say
Walking a thousand painful steps forward
Is better than a stagnant suffering
But really what I'm saying is
If it will hurt anyway
It's best to forget yesterday
And hurry to tomorrow
Where someday will come
And a tomorrow will wipe away the sins
That yesterday left on your soul

I want to be like a dandelion
Full of color and patience
Waiting for the day to come
Where I'm free to fly away

I tried to make my favorite tea today
The one you introduced to me
But now that you're gone
It doesn't taste so sweet

Late night phone calls
Conversations and sapphic dreams
Days got so long
I couldn't keep her entertained
It’s haunting and painful
Loving what you can’t hold

Coldness crept beneath the warmth
I thought she gave
Ensnared me; constricting
I couldn’t breathe
Thought I was breathless because I loved her
But she killed me with her sweetness

Worry, confusion
Tainted memories
Agony and heartache
Looking back in vain

I’m blurry, misguided
Troubled and insecure
Uncertain and lonely
Trying to find a cure
To all of my despair
Thought she was something more

Wet and red
As my wrists bled
She was there
In every tear I shed
What a haunting way
To honor
The memory of a ghost

Priestess in my memories
Temptress in my dreams
Why was it so easy?
So easy to leave me?
To hurt me?
How was it so easy to let me go?

I’m still holding on
To all the things I can’t recall
You must have took them all
On our last call
The sound of your laughter
The sound of your voice
Choking on your tears
I still remember

Worry, confusion
Tainted memories
In the tea stained color
Of her eyes
Agony and heartache
Looking back in vain

I’m blurry, misguided
Troubled and insecure
Uncertain and lonely
Trying to find a cure
To all of my despair
Thought she was something more
But I was colorblind, I should’ve known
When our love was blue in a world of red

How could I spell out love when it is absent of her name?
The way her eyes reflected a sunrise, the envy of Eos
She was like honey in the sky, the amber of her energy enraptured me
      I was bewitched

She was a masterpiece drawn with starlight, unfathomable beauty
An ivory sculpture crafted by the hands of a god, masterpiece of Hephaestus
I remember the time I was blessed by that smile,
     A vilified promise

The scent of patchouli and the taste of my favorite tea
Like ambrosia for a mortal, that sweet taste of paradise
Sunflowers and the many other favorites that she gave me
     Stolen without a word

She used to call me late at night to talk about her day
But the days for me got longer, I couldn't keep her entertained
Such a coldness hid underneath the warmth I thought she gave me
     Gone like a ghost in the night

I thought I was breathless because I loved her, now I’m suffocated by the agony
She was killing me underneath the sweetness, constricting like a boa
And when I close my eyes to see the memories lapse she's still in them
     Haunting me like she wanted

Eros' is golden arrows struck me hard and shamelessly
Through my heart and left a scar, chasmic and wide
Her toxic serotonin left me high, addicted to her energy
     A limitless euphoria

I spoke to the gods above and I told them of my love
What a liar she's made me out to be, the clever snake
I begged that Aphrodite let my words reach her
     But they fell on deaf ears

Now I pray that Anteros relieves me and hears my plea
Unravel these feelings in my heart, lift the anchor of her name
Don't let me be the sole carrier of the blame
     For the ruin that remains

I have a bad habit of getting close to people quickly
So few people bother to notice or talk to me
Perhaps I crave the feeling of being real through their validation
It's unhealthy, but you try going through life made of cellophane like a ghost- even the psychics don't see me
I have a bad habit of allowing others to become important and irreplaceable too quickly
So when they leave it feels like nothing will ever be the same
It's unhealthy, but when your only friends are the ones you create in daydreams- you learn to latch on to the real ones
Real...
I suppose nothing is real
If walking away is so easy
Then there never was a realness to it
Maybe if you were just another creation of my imagination
I wouldn't feel so bad
I wouldn't go to sleep hungry and wake up feeling full
Maybe I wouldn't have to wipe my tears and pretend they never fell
Or maybe then you'd never walk away, because in my mind is the only place anyone ever truly stays

I've had many, many goodbyes in my life
But none felt as bitter or cruel as yours
Was my job just to make you feel better for a time
Entertain you until you didn't need me anymore?
To say that you cared then to cast me away so easily
I feel like I am concurrently going through all 5 stages of grief
As if something has been ripped out from within me
Some vital ***** with an unknown function

To say goodbye
Then ask me if I'm alright?
After cutting me down my spine
You ask me if I'm alright?
You've taken my last will to fight
Goodbye never felt so shallow
Goodbye never felt so betraying

I feel as if all this bottled anxiety is eating me alive from within
There is nothing left of me but it
To all the people who've walked away without me

Thank you for teaching me that I'm not worth the time to get to know
Thank you for teaching me that when I'm open it's better to be closed
And thank you for leading me on to believe I had hope
Then crushing it in front of me like butterfly wings or the petal of a rose