This monster called guilt, is eating me alive,
And I'm telling you this, so one day, when I've died,
You don't have sit there and wonder all the reasons why,
It's her, it's me, it's all the things I did hide,
Because of the shame and the regret,
And the things in between that I sat,
Upon for years that made me bleed,
Until I choked upon their ashes in my head,
And you all rationalized it away,
The rage and the self-hate,
But it all came down to, it all comes down to,
To a basement and carpet stains on the ground,

Someone help me end this living nightmare,
Where I'm haunted by a demon with golden hair,
She said to trust her and touch her there,
Well I did, and I did, now I hate her,
But not as much as I hate myself,
And no one can take away how I feel,

Sunshine shone in from that tiny window underground,
But all I could concentrate on was the sounds,
That came out of your filthy mouth,
And now I'm just on a one way train that's bound,
For hell, just like you, so eternity it is,
With the devil stuck in my head,
But I deserve no less for what I did,
They say it's cycle, yes, that's what they said,
But I'll never do it again,
But she, I'm sure, she did,
So who's worse or any better really in the end?
The one who learned their lesson, or the one who never did?

Someone help me end this living nightmare,
Where I'm haunted by a demon with golden hair,
She said to trust her and touch her there,
Well I did, and I did, now I hate her,
But not as much as I hate myself,
And no one can take away how I feel.

You all think that I am doing okay,
All thanks to the smile on my face,
But it's been thirty years of this fake ****,
You'd think by now you'd see through it,
But no, 3 decades and I can still put on a show,
Better than an actor, and I don't need all that blow,
I can get by on anything I can find,
And if I don't have anything to scavange on hand,
Well there's always the internet,
Because I will put my life on the line for a fix,
If I'm really in need, and it should scare you,
It should freak me out, but I'm calm here alone,

Don't tell me it'll get better,
That line doesn't get easier,
It doesn't age like fine wine,
Just rots like a coffin full of bones,

Instructing me to take my meds, like that will help?
When it hasn't done **** in the past,
Isn't gonna score you points when I'm looking down the barrel,
Of a gun of my own making,
And yes, I'll still be faking,
That 10 watt smile tomorrow when I see you,
Cause that's just what I ******* do,
Oh, please don't be mad when you find out it's all a lie,
Because honestly you should've been able to find,
The cracks in my mask, they're bigger than China,
And the nightmares in there will seep out and find ya,
After I've had a bottle of wine or tequila or two,
I'll let you know every bad deed I've ever let them do,


Don't tell me it'll get better,
That line doesn't get easier,
It doesn't age like fine wine,
Just rots like a coffin full of bones.

I am the monster, that I hate,
I am the demon, standing at the gate,
Drowning in sadness and depression,
Anxiety crashing the party with desperation,
And i can't, I can't anymore,
Move my feet one step more forward,
It hurts to live, it hurts to breathe,
It's a pain to exist, to even believe,
That things can get better,
Because I've been waiting for that miracle,
Since I was in the 4th grade and I wanted to die,
Yeah, not even 10 years old and I just knew that I,
Was destined for death at an early grave,
So let me go, let me be, do not resuscitate,

Let me suffocate and choke on my own sorrow,
Let me sink below the surface and not be here tomorrow,
Because living is a ******* chore at this point,
And I find no joy, no love, no light,

No one should live like this,
In their own eternal darkness,
Scrambling to survive, forced to live,
And I'm just so ******* tired,
From having to pretend that I'm okay,
That I will be here every single day,
Because I hate myself,
I carry around guilt,
And it weighs me down like a whole other person,
Just constantly strangling me while climbing on my back,
Telling me you aren't worth another minute,
Of living on this planet,
And I believe it, and it feels like ****,
So let me go, let me be, do not resuscitate,

Let me suffocate and choke on my own sorrow,
Let me sink below the surface and not be here tomorrow,
Because living is a ******* chore at this point,
And I find no joy, no love, no light,

If I could **** myself without leaving a bloodstain on the white carpet,
I would as long as I didn't have to stare at these four walls of my apartment,
Not one more day in complete and utter isolation,
Without a lover, friend, or companion,
Oh if I had a bottle of pills I'd down them all,
If there were enough stairs, I'd fall, fall, fall,
climb up to the roof and jump and fly,
Because here I am alone, barely getting by,
I push away those I love, and cherish those who get off on me,
I'm their little play toy, and they invade me with their armies,
Here alone in between these four walls,
I'm deader than a corpse, but not a doll,

Please use me in any way, as long as I can feel,
Just for a moment not so alone in my appeal,
Because just I'm stuck here in flesh and bone,
Doesn't mean I always have to be alone,
Just send me a way that doesn't end in crimson on snow,
And I'll be gone before dawn's light can show,

I call out night after night with rarely an answer,
And when they do it's for a night and they retreat fast and faster,
And the visits of my loved ones they grow shorter,
But me, I'm a glutton for punishment, so I grow heavier,
No one can love this damsel in her dungeon,
Spinning wool for a never showing master,
All I want is someone to love me for all my faults,
But all do is show one, just one, and my knights bolt,
Slain by the demon that is the shadow in my soul,
With silken hair of corn, that's my nightmares coal,
So bring me an out that ends with no blood,
And I'll be gone before the rising of the sun,

Please use me in any way, as long as I can feel,
Just for a moment not so alone in my appeal,
Because just I'm stuck here in flesh and bone,
Doesn't mean I always have to be alone,
Just send me a way that doesn't end in crimson on snow,
And I'll be gone before dawn's light can show.

Suffocating in my problems,
At the bottom of the bottle,
And yeah maybe I got a problem,
Or maybe I'm a psychopath,
Because my doctor's convinced,
It wasn't me it was the medications,
So am I crazy and addicted,
or am I just plain insane in the head?

Slit my wrists and close my eyes,
Take me away to the heaven they call paradise,
Because this world I'm living in is surely hell,
So someone please send me some ******* help,

Will my drawer full of containers,
That once had cough syrup,
Convince you of my issues,
Or do I need to pull out the tissues?
Please I'm drowning in myself,
Choking on my self hatred and doubt,
That I really need to get admitted,
I've got problem, can't admit it,

Slit my wrists and close my eyes,
Take me away to the heaven they call paradise,
Because this world I'm living in is surely hell,
So someone please send me some ******* help,

Down a bottle of these pills and sleep,
Take me away to a place with endless sheep,
To count and comfort me, because I find such little here,
Someone please send me there, send me there, send me there.

How do you live with hate so deep,
It chokes you like clogged arteries,
And all you want is to look in the mirror,
And not see yourself as a living monster,
So can someone show me how to forgive,
Yourself for the most heinous of sins?
Because right now all I can do is die slowly,
Living in a body with a soul rotting so,

Please forgive me, please don't hate me,
Please erase this feeling that I can't see,
It's so much easier to fight something corporal,
That's why I've been up myself day after day.

The pills I swallow in the hopes I won't wake up,
From this nightmare that's swallowed me whole,
I live every day just waiting for retribution,
From the person I hurt, because I can't find resolution,
In no consequences for what I did, because of my demoness,
Who ate me up and spit me out when I was barely older than six,
And she was like a vampire infecting me with a disease,
Now I'm infected just like her, except maybe with more remorse,

Please forgive me, please don't hate me,
Please erase this feeling that I can't see,
It's so much easier to fight something corporal,
That's why I've been up myself day after day.

The demons just want me to be dead,
They want to bury the secrets in my head,
Sunlight kills their dark souls,
And there's no light to hold,
I'd give anything for a savior,
Give my firstborn as a favor,
I just want to not fight for every breath,
To not fight inside my own head,
I'm so tired, so tired, so tired,
And the voices multiply like a choir,
They tell me what to say,
To make everyone think I'm okay,
But inside I'm punching myself over and over,
And I try to quiet it by not being sober,

But you can't stay high forever,
I always nose dive and take a header,
Straight into the ground of which I bleed upon,
This life just seems played out and done,

I'd pray to God if I didn't think he'd forsaken,
This child of which followed him with other children,
But then I found the dark side of life,
The kind that has no spark of life,
Who's dull eyes stare out from sunken skulls,
Knees aching on basement floors,
Don't be fooled by the bible,
The devil is a female,
And she takes innocence,
While faking she's innocent,
So beware of golden hair,
And skin that's fair,
Because it'll make you wish for death,
For the rest of your entire life,

But you can't stay high forever,
I always nose dive and take a header,
Straight into the ground of which I bleed upon,
This life just seems played out and done.