Lay awake
Watch the birth of a new day
It's been ages since I slept right through the night
It's almost like the days have become better than the dreams my head creates
The grass has become greener on the other side
Sleep deprived
But my eyes have never been opened so wide
Creep inside my head
Experience what it's like spending years fighting with yourself
Just to get out of bed
Trapped inside walls built so hign
Lego brick ***** traps stationed like mines
But it's fine
I've decided to make my days better than my nights
I've gained the sight to see I'd rather live in a daydream

seconds to start
years to build
broken with a single lie
hurt in moments
memories lost
regretted with nights of cries

I do declare a truth
to be reckoned with i reckon
however you wish

a snake or perhaps a fish
of the snaky sort fell on my head
with such a gold translucent filigree
of dream
that all of the all of this
seemed emptier and sorta pale
the next day
and the day after

so the snaky fish says to me
in words instinctively understood
by all six month old babies
it says

the woman with black painted eyes
shall drain you of your blood
your white force shall dribble out
she will absorb all of you
you will become an ape

now the fishy snake after saying this
grew wings of rainbow and quince
flew far in skies of diamond and pearl
rose mist and lily dew
and died
dropping upon and emerald sea
and instantly was eaten
by a scaly beast sable and jet
which dove to the deep       the center
of a warm salty confine

now the scaly beast rested in the deep
moving only its lumberous jaws    to open
as iridescent schools of silver and glittery fish
dashed into its gaping maw   and to close
at rhythmic intervals
then the scaly beast sable and jet
winked        and spoke

you have followed the snake to find me
you are of the snake
the woman is the world you call real
her black painted eyes
the born self adorned corner you perceive
your blood and white force
are the wind and the breath
from the place where clouds are made
she will absorb all of you because
it takes more than four mountains
to feed a ghost
and you are only four mountains
you will become an ape
well     you know what that means
and with this the beast was silent
and closed its indigo eye

and after pausing to admire the deep
the warm salty confine
the beautiful iridescent silver and glittery
fish dashing into the maw
at rhythmic intervals
i moved
and was instantly awake

this i do declare
and you can reckon with it
however you wish

I crave the comfort of white noise.
When I fall asleep every night, my box fan carries me as I drift off.
Its blades spin up and its humming fills my room
Like a sweet lullaby leading me off to a silent world.
I used to play albums off of an old CD player:
Anything to block out the whispers inside of my head,
Anything to keep me away from my thoughts.
During the day, when there’s no fan to keep me safe
I turn to the comfort of music:
Pop a headphone in and my feelings melt away.
It keeps me focused, but in a way, it’s my distraction too:
The kind that fills my head with lyrics instead of questions.

Questions.
Endless questions.
They’re the white noise inside my head the rest of time.
They’re the bullies and I’m their victim
But there’s no one else around to save me from their violence:
They beat me till I’m ****** and bruised
Mind sliced raw from their attacks,
What are you doing here?
What’s the point?
Why do you even bother?
Beating into my weakened defenses
They kick me especially when I’m down.
They gang up inside my head, doubling, tripling
Until they’re a chorus of white noise echoing off the walls.
They keep me locked up
In a cell with nothing but a bed made of broken glass
And a small fan in the corner,
Humming me to sleep every night
Because my room can offer me no other comforts.
I feel the questions just outside of my cell,
And I hide from them because there’s nowhere to run:
I’m a prisoner pressed into the furthest wall
As they taunt me from the other side of the bars I’ve built.
Why can’t you be happy?
Or normal?
Why don’t you just go away for a while?
Maybe forever?
I plead with them to stop their screaming
So they laugh at me instead,
A high pitched squeal that makes my hair stand on end,
My body tenses up, my ears start to ring.
And suddenly they’re something else entirely
The faces of my friends appear cackling
Questions spilling from their mouths:
Are we just pretending?
Do we really hate you?
What makes you think we care about you?
How do you know it isn’t just an act?
Their laughter surges in my mind
Like a sickening joke that makes my stomach turn,
And the white noise grows ever louder.
Even when the fan starts to takes their place,
Masking their white noise,
One finds its way in
To plant its seed of doubt
On the edge of my subconscious
As I begin to drift to sleep:
Are you just pretending?

I feel my breathing seize
Because suddenly I wonder if any of this is true,
Or if I’ve created a false reality for attention.
The thought seeps into my mind like poison
Whispering to me that I can’t even trust myself,
Tearing down every defense I’d built
Brick by brick
Until I’m curled up in a pile of tear stained rubble,
Knees bruised purple and yellow,
Lips chewed ****** and raw,
Eyes swollen red and glistening wet.
What’s wrong with me?
Am I hopeless?
Cause it feels like I’m spiraling out of control
Losing my sense of self to the endless tide of worry
And I’m not sure how to stop it.
So I begin to ask myself
What am I doing here?
What’s the point?
Why do I even bother?

Because I can’t tell what the truth is anymore
If my fan keeps the questions out,
Or if I’m so used to them;
I crave the comfort of their
White noise.

And all I had ever wanted
was for the world to look up one day
and see my constellation of stars
scattered throughout the Milky way,
and the vast, starry night sky.

It was misty
and gloomy
as though we had
lost rights to the sun
because we'd
misbehaved
and I got out of
my car to try and talk
to someone in charge
but the second my door
opened,
huge
heavy
raindrops
fell from the skies,
spat by angels at our
collective sin
and I tried to tell them
they had the wrong guy
but the rain just went
into my mouth and
made me choke
and I ran into the library
newly baptized and shivering
and an old man
all dry and sweatered
asked me
"It's it raining out there still?"

And I danced on the mellow sounds of the grammophone
With dozens of friends standing aside
And they enjoyed the feast and at least
I was overcome with joy

I sat amongst a crowd of mannequins
Their fabricated smiles warmed me
And I danced on the music of the creaking windows
Ignoring the cracks around me

We celebrated in glee and raised our glasses
A speech, they demanded
A speech, I granted

And I spoke on the spot, glass in hand
In an empty room I remained

I will bite my tongue
Rather than explaining
Your flaws
Because you would continue
To look through me
And ignore my attempts to better the team
I will take a bullet to the heart
Before ever mentioning your ignorance
Or revealing your arrogance
You have shown me my goal was pointless
You have taught me that to meet your standards
I was never going to be good enough
Well I have had the opportunity to be coached
By real coaches
And taught to play real soccer
Im sorry to say you have taught me Childs play
And forgery of the most cultural sport in the world
You disgrace the term soccer coach
Im quite disappointed in you all
But despite my pure dislike of you
I will sign your thank you cards
With a thank you for the lesson and
Experience