I told someone about you yesterday
I told them about us.
Of the love. Of the loss. Of the pain and desolation.

I don’t talk of us lightly.
But it was the right thing to do
You see he was in the same situation
And he couldn’t see out of the hole

I’ve been there, you see
I clawed my way out without you
So I lent him my hand
Proof that loss of your ikizim isn’t a death sentence
Just a life in which you feel dead

I’m still mad with you and I haven’t forgiven you.
Just in case you were wondering...
I still love you too. Always will...
And ****** I still think about you daily.
Sometimes good, mostly painful.

Do you remember the good times?
Do you think badly of me?
Do you think of me at all?

I wish I could call you
I wish I could hug you
I wish I could see you smile
I wish I knew when I’ll see you next
I wish I knew if you still think of me at all
I wish I wish I wish I could kiss you

I wonder if you miss me like I miss you?

For the record I don’t write these for you
It’s my therapy. Mine alone.
A therapy you denied me.
You don’t deserve it.
It’s all I have left.

I’d do almost anything for you.
Almost anything.
Almost.
Not that...
I won’t leave my own flesh and blood.
Now I pay the price. We both do.
You’ve never stared into your own soul, young, innocent and wholly dependent on you.
I bet you hate me for it some days...
That makes two of us.
So be it.
Doesn’t make it any easier.

Why did you ghost me?
Why?
I knew you had to go.
We both knew you had so say goodbye.
Only you didn’t. You disappeared.
No goodbyes. Just silence.
Never in a million years did I expect that from you.

You tried to go quietly, yet you amplified the pain. Like feedback reverberating in my soul that still rings today.
I hear it in the quiet moments. Ringing in my ears. Throbbing in my heart. Darkness in my soul.
Why?

You thought you were doing the right thing but you ******* ripped my soul out.
You should have known. You did know.
My ikizim would not have done that...

I always said you wouldn’t get a third chance to burn me. You ******* won’t.

Do you even miss me?
Do you even think of me?
Do you even give a ****?
I guess I’ll never know...

I miss you, my friend.
I miss my friend.
We were so much more. We were more than words can describe.  
But it’s your friendship I miss the most...
You always said we couldn’t just be friends. Maybe so.
But It’s your friendship I miss the most...
No one knew me like you. No one knows you like I did. That’s still true. We both know it.
But It’s your friendship I miss the most...
I’d trade almost anything to be friends again.
I know it won’t be.
Self preservation is stronger than all traits.
And you have that stronger than most.
So be it.

I miss you...

You don’t deserve these poems
You deserve the silence you enforced upon me
I write these for me and me only
My private refuge. Just me and pain

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened
The silence. The cold
Like a train wreck so mangled it’s impossible to know where it begins and ends

I can remember the exact moment I realised
Realised you’d gone... again
Gone and broken every promise we’d ever made
Flung me into darkness

You saved yourself
Did what you had to do
I took advantage of you

Hold your head high
You took care of it
Nothing to see here
Just a train wreck

Long gone
No longer smouldering
Just a dull throbbing
An eternal sadness
Once Was Askim.

I understand what you needed to do
It’s how you did it that ripped my heart out

I always supported you
I was always there for you

You turned your back on me
Cut me off
Cut me down
Like I was nothing

I’ve never hurt like that
It took me to the brink of life

That pain is still with me after all these years
A dull throbbing deep in my heart
An eternal sadness
Once was Askim
No more

This is all I have
Words pouring out of me
Black on white on darkness

You’ll never see this
It’s not for you anyway
Since when did you give a ****

This is for me
I have to channel this pain somewhere
Better here than elsewhere.

My askim
My love
My soul
Lost
This is all I have
It still stings like the day I lost her
Forever lost
Once was Askim.