Not suicidally
Or accidentally
But in the sense
Of noteriety

I dont want
Anyone knowing me
Or the awful human
I used to be

I want to start fresh
Do good for the world
Start charitable organizations
And be the angels herald

Even my own father
Calls me devlish now
So maybe its time
To five a final bow

Ill exit the stage
And sink from sinful fame
Ill do what i want
With no title or name

And how freeing itll be
To not look after you
To not reassure
Every ****** thing you do

And i wont tell a lie
Not even for my own good
And if you think me cold hearted
You clearly misunderstood

I wont pity petty people
I wont try and hold your hand
When all you want to do
Is fight the quick sand

Youre sinking faster
Than i can keep up
So im done going down
With a ship thats far sunk

So yes i want to die
Im exhausted from this
Life is miserable
When your boots are all i kiss

So im starting over fresh
Born again as a fresh new babe
And i hope this world is kinder
Than when i was first made

You hold too many firsts
To be Just a Friend
I will never get the image
Out
Of
My
Mind

You didnt take my virginity
But **** did you almost
And god i hate myself for it

And i cant feel at ease around you
I dont know what your thinking
I just want to be done
I wish it had never happened
So we could just be friends

I'm a chore
Just a bore
you will always
Want for more

A cup of tea
When you need a glass
When given a choice
You will always pass

Take a bite
Then send me back
Because there always something
My taste will lack

I think I write
because
my whole life
I've been told
to stop talking
and I'm
BURSTING
with things to say

As i lay there
At 3:45 AM
I knew you did to
Lay there

You had your
Own bed
Own life
Own love

I knew you
Wouldnt ever
Be stranded awake
At 3:45 AM

And i should be
Happy for you
But instead
My heart stops.

I will never be
The 2 am call
when you need arms
And you can't fight.

I wont be
The one you
Spill your heart to
On the worst day.

I will be foreign
And the only land
I'll know here
Will be you

A tourist in
What i thought
Was my home
When i had none.

Sharpie veins
Jello brains
Nothing to do
But try and stay sane
Holding my head
In the toilet bowl
Vomiting my heart
Because its filled with holes
My mind is gone
I sold it for the sun
Got burnt by the flames
Now i have no one
Now ill cover my face
And show my heart
Under two *******
Spread them apart
Poisoned lungs
Have sunken my soul
How can i breathe
When im not whole
Take yourself an arm
Tear off a leg
Use my skin
Like a frat party keg

And i wonder
If she think
How i
Used to.

I wonder
If shes afraid
Of losing
You

But why would a rose
Be scared of a lily.

Why would the mind
Behave so silly.

Why would she be afraid
Shes so confident

Maybe thats the difference
She knows who she is.

Im still
Just afraid
And unsure.

You used to
Be like that.
What happened.
Dont go back

Im glad youre happy
But if youre not
Im here

Ill sleep with my phone
Right beside my head
Incase you get sad
At 2 AM

Im here

Stringy hair
Sunken eyes
Greasy teeth
Rotten lies
Sweat soaked nightmare
Fueled with gore
Clenching teeth
Weak and sore
My mind holds this
An abominable leech
Perverting beauty
In all it sees
Polluting love
To twisted hate
Making resentment
Smear every mate
I cant look at you
Without seeing a ghoul
I dont see a goddess
I see a fool
Everyone around me
Sees the brighter side
I cant help but see
What the smiles hide

**** its so cold
But its colder
In the palm
Of my hand

I guess thats why
You stopped holding it
Or maybe its because
I told you to

And my hair hangs
Like curtains
Hiding the room
The family hides from guests

Filled to bursting
With so much ****
All of it stupid
Useless

Im the room
Standing on wobbly
Foundation
With mold creeping in the basement

******* this white noise
Its so loud that i cant hear
My fathers disappointment
With my failing grades

Failing
Everyone
As
Usual

I just want to be alone
But then im alone
And i want to be anywhere else
With someone new

And the sun is setting
Behind the silhouette
Of tall, dead trees
In the yard

Dead
Its all dead
Its wilting
Falling

And you can see it
Im everything they do
The people are the trees
Lack luster, thin, old

How are we dead
Before weve had
The chance to live
God ****** how

Begging you to love me
Choosing to never love you

Where did she go?
That little girl
That pretty girl
Who so badly
Wanted to sing

Dont you know...
You still can!

But youll sit
And listen to other voices
And never feel worth a dime

And maybe some days
Youll feel pretty
But youll just see a more beautiful
Face

Youll crawl back to your cave
Of insecurities and wonder
"How did i get this way?!"

And youll be more upset with yourself
For feeling this way
Than you will
With the life that made you.

I've learned to nod
to smile
when you hear the name
or see the face
just play happy and then
zone the **** out.

I've learned that when a topic
makes you uncomfortable
just be quiet
don't argue
that contributes
just wait for it to go away

I've learned that when you don't like something
get away from it
don't explain yourself
no one will agree with you
no matter what
don't defend yourself
you don't have to

I've learned that headphones
and a severe case of bitchface
make people turn the other way
and the few that are curious
go away after a ****** thumbs up
and a strained smile

I've learned that being a *****
and being quiet
and doing things for yourself
help you scrape by
just
enough

I've leaned that *******
and indifferent
feel very much
the same

Everything about me
Is someone else

My lips are my mom's
My eyes are my dad's

My clothes are my cousins'
My laugh is the sky's

I can't even lay claim
To my own cries

If its not someone else's
Its void of a name

My shaky hands
belong to no one

My pale skin
Knows no other touch

If i claimed it ever
It was stolen away

I lose myself more
Every single day

Maybe im a waste
A loss of space
A blight on the universe
That built me
And my wonder
So much ambition
But no goals
Lost
To imaginary live
Where no one
Can stop me
Because
Thats all anyone does

I've never looked at mine
I guess
I settled
For being one
I left one hat
To jump in another
And they draw me
And put me back

I'm an option
Never a choice
Always the fish
You throw back
I'm fine with that
I guess being forced on people
Makes me ugly
Makes me a chore
And I try and make up for it
By being a *****

Momma asks when will I learn
When will I grow up
And put myself first
I tell her
It's different this time
that's what I said
Last time I was with him
She told me I'd be
Wearing a frown
When I deserved to be
Wearing a crown
I told her I'd take my mistakes
Because they were mine to make
But I keep hearing her voice
Every time I look him in the eyes
When the hell will I learn?
He can see her
But I can't see him
I feel guilty at the slightest whim
But he
I don't think he feels a thing

If i look in your eyes
And flick you a smile
I can drive you crazy
For a little while

If i touch your arm
And lightly say your name
Youll manage to forget
That this is just a game

I can walk past you
Making you drool
Without even a word
Youll act like a tool

And maybe im cruel
But its just so **** easy
To collect disciples
By acting a little sleasy

I cant help that you follow
Wherever i lead
My little puppy dog
You do what i heed

And if you stray
Ill tug at your rope
Then ill push you away
Til you come back begging for hope

Maybe youll read this
And finally run away
Or maybe it will be me
Making you stay

Dont think im naive
I know what i do
I know how tightly
Ive a hold on you

Why can't you be upfront with me
Admit you never cared
Tell me I was just fun
And you didn't actually get scared
You like the perks I offer
But not the love tied with
So now ill turn it off
I hope you like the gift

You flatter me
Thats a lie
You make me
Want to die

You color me
With pretty words
But between the lines
Lies the hurt

You say im pretty
Now take off your clothes
You say im nice
Words? Lose those

I talk to much
Im a *** toy
You dont say it
But i annoy

And you act curious
As to why
I hate my body
And wanna cry

I only feel pretty
With nothing on
I look so much better
With the lights turned off

If i shut up
Ill be better at this
Because my words distract
From the skin you missed

Im a writer
I read between the lines
I see all
The **** you try

I know all the moves
See all the bull
Yet i still go along
With the crap you pull

I cant blame you
For my naivety
I can only blame you
For using me

I wish i could decipher
Chemical desires
Do i want your heart
Or is my chest a liar

I can hold your hand
And it just feels warm
Your lips dont have
Me feeling torn

But you can say some
Dorky line
Or you can
Look me in the eye

And you can bet
I cant feel anything
But the clogging of my throat
And my heart fluttering

Ill brush you off
Our of self preservation
I dont know how to feel
Without emmense reservation

Boy I hope you find a God
In everything you do
I hope you learn
Theres something worth praying to

Whether you worship in a chapel
Or in the sheets of your bedroom
Be it Nature you find Holy
Or a woman of artistic Virtue

I hope you find peace
In the mouth of a Tigers cage
I hope you fall to your knees
Over something lovely one day

Whether you find a God
In a tornados twista and bends
Or you hear a prayer
Where the red, dirt road ends

I hope you fall in love
With all the little things
I hope you see the world
And hear the song it sings

And pray every night
To the moon and the stars
Find your God in forests
Or driving fast, red cars

Just like the seasons you became colder with time
The boy who used to be filled with warmth was now an icy block of self loathing
and I couldn't bare the biting way you looked at me when I said I didn't love you back
I made you cold and stole your warmth
I'm sorry
and if you were to **** me I would not blame you
I can only blame myself
And if your life were to end by your own hand
I would feel soaked in your blood
because I was to blame for your death
and I'm sorry
There are so many words in my head
and some just aren't enough

The problem with this thing called love
Is having busy feet
wanting to travel the world
and loving everyone I meet
I could try and stay here
For you I would try
But my soulmate is the world
and if i put roots in this soil, I'll die.

I keep running towards cold
And I keep freezing
The weather just reminds me
That everyone is frigid

And after I get numb enough
I go home
And Im warm
I'm covered

But I've learned to leave the door open
And remember to appreciate
How warm you
Really are

Can you bruise my lips instead of my mind?

I want to be done
I want to move away
I dont want to think about 5 years
From now
And still be crying over you
Because i never got over you when i could.
Youre just magnetic for me
And i cant deny your ability
To make me forget
How bad for me you are

And i wish you were on your way back home
I cant stand
Sitting here
On my own
Since you came
And stole my breath.
I was fine
Before
You left

Now i cant breathe
Without you beside me
I cant feel
When you arent around
My heart breaks
Just from the mention of your name
And my eyes
Will never see
The world
The same

Everyone is hung up
Over some sad love
Lucky for me
Mines you
Everyone loves
Someone who loves
Somebody
Brand new

I wouldn't want to be around me either
I'm miserable company

I guess I understand
Boredom is a pest
Leaking into your mind
Stealing peaceful rest
I know the urge to adventure
To wander to foreign lands
But I know how to hold my ground
Youre just good at holding hands
Try and brush it off
Because I like to travel too
I get why youre restless
Im not good enough for you
How naive of me
To think I held your mind
What a bitter pill
To know that you have pined
For someone else
That isnt me
Oh what a shock of news
I was dumb
To think otherwise
No right to have the blues

Flick
Spiral and sink
Flick
Rising gray heat
Flick
The red glow gone
Flick
And the world before long

that's all you make me do
I'm either scared
or angry
or moaning
but
I don't like
any of them
if im being honest
im beginning to think that the only time
im interesting
is when im begging for more

I havent written in so long
I havent been able to breathe
Even longer
All my air
Escaped
Into you
I cant think past you
Or work past you
Or exist beyond you
You have become
My centerpeice
At a party
I wasnt going
To throw
But got dragged to
I mean...
Im having a wonderful time
But i know i could be doing something else
And you could be adorning
Prettier parties
Weve become each others lives
And a lot of the time
I question why
and if for the right reasons
And all of this is
Just
Meaningless
But is anything
Legitimate anymore
Nothing has weight
Anorexic ideas
Full of nothing but air
And some human need
To prove were worth something
And something...
What is something
And what are we
Whay do we
Matter
Nothing
And im not content
With settling for nothing
But im sure that
You
Are
Something
Wonderful

Can you remember
like i can?
Can you
surrender
your upper hand?
Can you hold back
your time sand
in hopes
we can
return...

Back
to joy
and secrets
and trust,
Back
before we
were filled
with lust.
Maybe
we can
burn.

memories haunting me
holding
the melody
of our voices
singing
in sync

our souls
screaming out
wishing
we hadnt
missed out
before
we knew
too much.

******* IT
I cant forgive you
I cant forgive her
And i cant love you
At all
My mother warned me
And god i knew
she was right
I tried to think
youd changed
Tried to
Believe youd
Moved on
But
****
**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ******* IT ****
All i can think
Is
Im giving myself
away
To someone
Who will
Never
I mean
NEVER
Be mine.
Its almost spring.
And maybe the earth
Isnt the only thing
That needs
to be
New

All my thoughts
I cannot write
Quite so quickly
As they come
A million thoughts
In less than a second
And some are not
supposed to be written
some cannot be
summed up into words
some are just
feelings and life
Like I cannot capture
into words
How the sun looks
or how it shines
off the dew
or how the
golden glimmer
of your smile
can light up
this whole town
or how your eyes
are so blue
like ice
yet you have the warmest hug
like a fall day
when its breezy
but the sun is on your back
You are fall
beautiful colors
all the colors
of the sun
A warm sweater
pumpkin pie
Thanksgiving
Halloween
and slowly
you move into
winter
because
you fall
out of love
and your smile
isn't quite so bright
and the sun
wont shine
So the cold is biting
and I see all your beauty
But that is all
still beautiful
but cold
You have lost
the blue
in your eyes
Now
they are gray
like the fog
in winter
and I don't love
you
I loved fall
and even this doesn't capture my thoughts
but it calms them
to some degree
but without my thoughts
my mind
echos
So
Do I catch them
and mayhaps write them down
some thoughts
are not made for writing
but
I will write them
because
I miss the fall

Were all walking down a similar road
to a career in suicide
and alcoholic medications
praising something so much
that we die with it
for it
in spite of it
we die
early
whether is be a god
or a girl
we cannot differentiate
we walk in trembling strides
to that alter of
our obsession
and jot down
a couplet
or an epic
or maybe a novel of song
about hate
love
obsession
humanity
oh so many muses unexplored
and we slit our wrists
offering our blood
to a deity who
D O E S N ' T  G I V E  A  S H I T
and we think ourselves holy
that we sacrifice so much
but no
the people on the other
side of the fence
are just smart enough
to know better

I think in color
I hear in song
My limbs are heavy
My words are long

Physical depression
A stoners mind
Longing phrases
Wasting time

Just steal my breath
Please calm my nerves
Just kiss me please
Just one wont hurt

These poems smell like flowers
And your name smells like death
You pervade my paper
You ruin my mind

This music tastes so ******
Im not usually this sad
What do i even write about you
Nothing.

Youre no good
You taste like iron in my mouth
You dont even know who you are
You wouldnt guess it for the world

My sensitive teeth cant take
the feel of you grinding my jaw
into dust
My bones are just ash and dirt

This tune was happy
And i loved it so much
But now it too holds too much
Bitterness

I can drink black coffee
And not be as taken back
As when tasting
You

Youve got me locked up
In your eyes
And the way you smile
And the way you say
"youre mine"
Over and
Over and
Over
Again
Until its engraved
in my
Mind
And you say
Youre mine
But i
Can
Hear the lie
Between your teeth
I dont speak
I dont tell you
I just stay locked in
Until i get alone
And just being
A foot
Away
Gives me
Liberty
Independence
Nostalgia
And the i realize
How captive i truely am

There is no muse
Like that of false love

Inspirational in all
Its harsh ways

So then
What am i to write about?

I could pretend
I loved you for a minute

And find something
In that lie

But poetry is honest.
You are not.

I havent traveled
Or seen the harshness of the world

All i know is i have this pen
And an urge to say something

Im not good at metaphors
Or complicated lines

Straight forward honest writing
About nothing, nothing at all.

No gps connection
And I'm lost
With no one to call

I dont remember
Feeling my skin
So much

It used
To just
Be there

Maybe
It just
Reacts

To
You

It never used to do
This

Goosebumps
Shocks
Tingling spine

All appear
When you say
"Youre mine."

Innocent corners
Boring nooks

Nothing happens
Unless you look

My way

Were i to die
And fill the ground
Would you somberly
Gather round

Would you claim to have love
My hair and eyes
And give your conciense
Some alibi

Would you tell my mother
We were close friends?
Would you tell my father
You knew me back when?

Would you even know
Who belonged to the name
Lining the paper
On that inevitable day

Would you **** your head
Shouting "Oh Yeah!"
Finding you knew me
Before i was dead

Im ok with that
I dont expect you to know
Done lie to my family
Dont act like you know

Few people are entitled
To claim me as a friend
Few people know me
Or where ive been

Dont think it polite
To say it was sad
Dont say im in heaven
It would make me quite mad

My friends will say
With a laugh that ive known
"That ***** is in hell,
Shes taken back her throne."

I hope they wont cry
But i know they will
Theyre a bunch of babies
And i would miss them still

Just whenever i die
When that day comes
I want life to go on
I dont want life to be numb

I know people love me
I wont deny that
So i hope that they move on
Ill be happy with that

Oh God how this sweater hangs on me
Its my mothers
Just like my lips

And these bruises on my eyes?
They sting from the hours
looking at your face

My hands still shake
every hour
second
of the day

theyre cold
frozen
stuck in this hesitant state of urges to do but lack of execution

like i lack the execution to kiss you
when you lean in to whisper
whatever it is you say

I cant even eat
because my mind is too
wrapped on everything else

like how i need to write in my book
or loook at colleges
or join a club

but i just sit there
just sit there overwhelmed
hard to breathe

i still havent even looked at my report card
i made A's & B's
i know because i can go to the pizza party

but i cant eat pizza
because im thinking of everything
every god ****** trivial thing

and im so stressed
so overwhelmed
and that trip to Germany

I want to go so bad
but we cant afford the $3000 dollars i need.
$3000 dollars that could go towards college

******* college
i want to go but no here
not locallly in Tennessee

i want to leave Tennessee
I want to be anywhere else
nothing happens here

not in **** **** no where
Columbia Tennessee
Forget us town USA

How can you trust me
When im not even
One
Single
Person

I hold to many peices
In one skeleton
To know where im going
Or who i am

Hell
I dont even know my name some days

And youve decided you love me??

I think youre stupid.

I think you have some sick need
To love someone
To have someone
To say to yourself that you know how to love
And that youre loved in return.

But youre wrong.
You dont love me.
You done even know what that word means.
Dont spout out these things without even understanding the weight of what you say.

Dont expect me to say i love you
Just to ******* ease your mind.
Love is not a sympathy
It is not a charity drive.
You do not say it
Unless you
****
Well
Mean it.

So hold your **** tongue
And you know ill hold mine.

A commoners cries
To the winning king
After trading sides
Your praises theyll sing
The underdog
Gets the bone
Until the bone doesnt get you far
Great dictators have never stolen with force
They just know who their audience are