Journal Entry #9

To lame to stand how I feel..
I press my lips to this glass filled with forget and I swallow deep.

Standing in nothing but a t-shirt, alone in this big empty apartment. I take solace in this glass to numb the pain within.

But as the music changes a song that reminds me of you starts playing.
How Ironic wouldnt you say...


I close my eyes tightly...
tense up..
try to fight it...
but before I know it my body is a slave to this beat and it makes my body come alive.

My hand grazes my bare thighs and I lose myself just briefly....
I pause, as I remember how good it felt when you touched me.

I remember the electricity and how you use to look at me.
God, the chemistry...
moments later your face appears so clear and perfect in my mind.

"Oh god, I hate this!" I think, as I press into the counter top behind me.
I try my hardest to stop thinking about you but memories of you are coming in waves and im being swept away.

I cant help but imagine what it felt like when youd slide your hands to wrap around me...
my god, the safest I ever felt.


I ache for you.

These memories are torment.

Tears stream down my flushed cheeks.

I bring my hand to my lips and I'm lost again.
I imagine bringing your lips to mine and how much of a rush it was each time.
You were intoxicating.
Kissing you was like a drug I could never kick.
Always wanting more.
Entangled in eachother.
Hold tight, each moment I did. Never wanting it to end.
Kissing in such synchronisation. Kissing you was nothing but second nature.

But I fight it, I try and shake it off.
shake you off.
my hips begin to sway falling slave again to our perfect song.
To the beat of my favorite song. The song about us.


I dont know how you do it.
I dont know how you forget such an addicting thing we had.
But you did and I'm lost with only memories now.
Memories I have to bury.
Because they give me so much pleasure but also so much pain.

Journal entry#11

My mom is my best friend.
She's wise beyond her years.

Today I came to her with tears.

I said, "mother why am I suffering."

I could hear her smile through the phone as she gently replied...
"Without suffering there would be no compassion."

I chucked through my tears and said, "Tell that to the ones who are currently suffering mom."

Her voice softened even more as she responded with so much love,
"Without suffering my sweet daughter how would we ever know joy?"




I love you mom

Journal Entry #11

People in my life always ask me why I don't date, my mother included. And we can now add my therapist to that list as well.

I told my therapist I find dating humorous and annoying currently.
I think my answer caught her by surprise as she smiled at me and then asked why?
So I decided throwing out actual scenarios would be my best course of action.

I told her for starters I'm completely oblivious when a guy is interested.

For instance:

My Mother: "Honey, why didn't you end up going out with that nice boy, he seemed like a good person for you?

My Response: "Mom, I planned on going out with him. But then I started watching that movie What Woman Want with Mel Gibson, and I came to the conclusion that I'd rather not wear pants.
So I never left my apartment."
~~~~~~~~~~

My best friend: "Hey, that guy over there keeps looking at you. He's totally checking you out!"

My Response: "Naw, he probably has something in his eye and just so happens to be looking in my general direction. He was probably eating something spicy and touched his face. You don't know!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Sister: "Umm, that man was clearly hitting on you. He was just just taken by you, it was so obvious! He was smiling at you the entire time."

My Response: "Naw, he was just really interested in what my preferences on vacuums were."
~~~~~~~~~~~

My therapist laughed at my awkward interactions with men and then went on to say,

"Clearly men are interested in you, but maybe you're just not ready to even be open to the idea of dating again, and that's why you really don't see when men are actually interested in you. How do you feel about that?"

My Response: "I think in part that's very true. But I also think that the idea of actually having to put on pants and talk to men is just a huge no thanks. I think the day I even humor another mans existence will be the day a man makes me happier than eating bread in a pile of freshly washed laundry.
A girls gotta have her standards."

Journal Entry #12

Today has been a hard day for me.
Needed to let off some steam.
So I went for a walk today.
Even though it was cold and snowing today.
Hands in my pockets.
I thought this was ok, because the weather matched my mood today.

Had to cut a childhood friend out of my life today.
Which would explain why I'm so sad today.
In all fairness though, she handed me the scissors.

That's my life though.
That's what I get though.
For trying to save everyone I love from themselves.
That's what I get though.
For Always having the purest of intentions.
But what I've come to learn in my 31 years of life,
Is that you can't save people who don't wanna be saved.

But let me ask you this...
What kind of person would I be if I stood by and watched the ones I love drown in their own misery.
What am I to do?
Watch?
Do nothing?
When everything inside of me can't bare to watch without throwing that line of support over and over again. Hoping against hope that they'll finally grab a hold?
Or do I do nothing?
and stand by while I'm burning alive inside because I can't help them?
Do I just accept it and leave them to drown?
But, if I did this....
I can't help but think what kind of person does that make me that I'd allow this?

Journal entry #14
(Forgiveness)

To the girl I use to be....

I forgive you.

We all in some point in our lives, fall in love with an *******, who wouldn't know a good thing if it slapped them clean across the face.

It wasen't your fault.

You did what you were suppose to.

You loved him with your whole heart.

And it wasn't your fault he was never deserving.

Go ahead..
Go live your beautiful life.

You got this.

All I want is for the right man to enter my life that's supposed to be there.

In my dreams..
I picture him having rough strong hands that are lined with experience.
I picture him running his hands softly across my damaged past,
Lingering over the shattered places within my heart.
Kissing me so deeply, engulfed in unspeakable passion erasing every ounce of doubt that arises.
I picture him grabbing my hand, standing tall beside me, at the most crucial times, when others have left me...
I picture him saying...
"I love you."
I picture me believing it because the truth will be in his eyes.
And when he says,
"I'll never let you battle anything ever again alone."
It'll be in this small moment of pure bliss,
That...
I picture myself thanking God,
Because he turned a tiny dream of mine into a reality.