Choked up with existential angst
Soften the bitterness with a drink
The cold liquid helps the truth stay down
Hoping that a drunk mind can't think
My thoughts heavy like lead
They sink just below the surface
Low enough where they make no sound
But can still make me feel worthless
What kind of human does it make me
When I don't know how to feel my feelings
The most basic form of existence
That I struggle with dealing
In all of my issues
I know drugs aren't the answer
They won't make anything easy
But they make me feel better

White noise screaming in my head
Like Venom I feel parts of myself splitting
Ear piercing screeching electrocutes my soul
I want to put my head through a wall
Down a bottle, maybe two
Anything I can to end this torture
My heart is desperately trying to speak to me
But my mind won't stop and listen
I need to feel my way through this
Connect with myself to move forward
But I'm locked inside and fear is the deadbolt
Sometimes I'd rather be dead than face it

We are encompassed by shadows
Windows of blue, and creatures of the sea
Familiar places breathe calm into me
And your hand in mine means everything
You ask me to sit and my heart skips a beat
This time I don't leave space between us
I lean against you without a second thought
4 months ago this was all that I wanted
I kiss your shoulder in secret celebration
Then rest my head in silent gratitude
Upon contact everything else disappears
The energy of it leaves just you and me
All of the anxiety and noise evaporate
Replaced by silence, love, and peace
A shift so surprising it's scary
And I pull away too quickly
I am breathless and in shock
But for once I don't ask why
I just squeeze your hand tighter
And appreciate this moment
Thanking the universe for
Every second I have with you

Sadness and numbness collide
It feels like too much and I'm not alright
I can tell something's wrong inside
If it weren't so hard I'd give up on this fight
A piece of me wants to get better
Other parts just want my demise
So back and forth my mood tremors
So many thoughts that they all sound like lies
I'm too anxious to even discuss it
Too many choices I make make it worse
The doctors say drugs do not help this
But this bottle's relief and a curse
It's so hard to complain since I know that
My own actions add weight to this burden
I crave an escape but I forget
Not even those will stop this hurting

I can feel myself melting
My skin sinking in
My heartbeat is nauseating
And my thoughts fall like lead
Everyone's questions echoing
Their thoughts highlight the obvious
If this air burns my lungs
Why do I keep breathing it?
If this fire scorches my feet
Why keep taking steps?
Maybe I love the sweetness of pain
Maybe it hydrates my soul
Maybe chaos is so familiar
I built it's home in my heart
Like a dark wine, intoxicating
This joy is but an illusion
One taste never enough
To reach satisfaction
If I know I can be good
Why are the choices so difficult?
Why does kindness feel like pain
And pain feel like home?

Heavy, the dark clouds descend
Pressing down upon my shoulders.
I fall to my knees as I try to scream,
But my lungs will barely breathe.
Thick ash coats my throat,
The sweetness of death
Dancing across my tongue.
Thoughts like electricity
Shocking all of me,
Interchangeably.
Forehead meets concrete with desperate force;
The pain a mere whisper
Against a raging wall of emotions.
I beg for death to break this hell
My own consciousness the walls of this prison.

On the outside I am calm:
Still, silent, high-functioning.
The gift of my survival,
Now the curse that's killing me.

Insecurity runs through me
Like scalding water across my skin
Contact is pain and pure panic
I'm drowning in this negativity
You are not enough and
You don't know how to love
You aren't hot enough and
Not even a good ****
Your life is a waste
You've got no potential
You are nothing
You mean nothing
So many words echo harshly
Against the concrete walls of my mind
Crying out over and over again
As they crash against the pavement
Each collision a shockwave
Of claustrophobic negativity
Their tremors shake violently through my bones
Reinforcing themselves into my DNA