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 3d Jay
Kalliope
Three years a mother
                       Look at you so tall!

Three years a juggler
                        Be careful don't fall!

A mother, a lover, a nurse, a friend
                        Go on now baby let's hear you count to ten!

A sometimes yes to the invite
                           Poor baby has the flu!

An often last minute cancelation
                           The sitter has something else to do!

I feel so tired, exhausted, and lonely
                           Wake up little baby let's get dressed for the day!

Not welcome in spaces where once I was praised
                            Come on goofy girl we've got a busy day!

But I can be a mother and love you just the same
                            Good job my baby you said your own name!
A woman, a lover, a nurse, a friend
Im all these things at once,
So why did adding mother complicate it for you in the end?
 4d Jay
Kalliope
I wish I could draw, I dont want to write

Three shades of blue, a couple purple hues

Splattered over ink pen outlines

A figure sat low, knees dug into the ground

Lines overlapping, the details are smudged

What's she begging for you'd wonder,
And who is she begging above?

Tears would streak the page, but it'd just add to the scene

A figure unmoving, an illustration I'd love

But no I can't draw her

So I write her alive, but it's not the same

I can write her feelings, but I'd like to draw her pain

If you can't verbally listen maybe I could visually explain
Writing from anger, reading with pain
Tearing up paper just to rewrite again,
A torturous cycle that goes on all night
When every word that you know always starts a fight
 5d Jay
Kalliope
Forty three patients, forty three lives, all counting on me under a license thats mine,
There's medicine to pass and treatments to be done, I'm trying to be fast but I am only one,
Her blood pressures low but his blood pressure is high, bed 36 is in so much pain now that they've begun to cry,
I don't mean to be so in and out, I want to take my time and ease your doubts,
a listening ear,
a reassuring touch,
But its hard to manage when corporate doesn't care about patient care so much,
To me you are person, to them you are dollar signs, I want to hear about the life you've lived but if I don't chart we'll be fined,
I'm trying so hard to get everything done, I want to be there for you,
But if I fall behind on this paperwork, they'll just replace me with someone new.
So I'll brush your hair and bring your favorite snack, after I pass all these pills I'll try to come back,
I want to take the time to listen to you
While I can't chat for 45 minutes, even when I'd really like to, I remember which pudding you prefer your medicine in, and your sons and daughters names too
I know what time you'll likely be in bed, and the time you'd like to get dressed, I know it's not enough, and I know you get depressed,
But I hope you can feel I care for you
It's long term care, it is their HOME
And they should feel cared about
Even when they're alone
 Apr 16 Jay
Kalliope
When the days are long and the laughter is loud, I never remember to write it all down.

I can't write the happy thoughts,
The good days,
The calm.

I only feel poetic when everything goes wrong
When I put the pain on paper
It's like saving it for later
Removing the feelings from my brain
Until I can reread it when I feel sane
 Mar 27 Jay
Kalliope
You asked me to jump in the river,
Last I was here I nearly drowned,
You assure me it's safe, like a dip in the lake
But I just stand here and stare at the ground
You're tugging and pulling and teasing and mocking, it's all such good fun for you
But Im stuck in a daze, reliving the ways the current swirled and looped
You're starting to get impatient, we're hand in hand,
My feet stuck firm in the sand
You're disappointed I couldn't follow through
I'm disappointed too
Once an avid aquatic, till that river turned me neurotic
I'd love nothing more than to be at ease swimming with you
 Mar 25 Jay
Kalliope
Sinking
 Mar 25 Jay
Kalliope
I go with the flow until the current consumes me, thrashing around until I'm lost at sea. Sometimes I'm lucky to find a rope to be held, a sense of safety amidst the chaos, a feeling unparalleled. I'll tug and I'll pull until I'm almost free, but the rope always snaps and the hands on the other end I never reach. I sink to the bottom with no hope to keep float, the sadness is heavy, a personal chainmail ccoat. I work up the nerve to swim towards the shore, but that's so ambitious when I've never been there before, so I spend my days floating in thoughts, reminding myself love has always had a cost. Every time I'm close to the beach of a lover, I'm hit with tidal waves one after another. One day I'll free myself from this isolating ocean,  but the whisper of being saved is a lingering notion.
And I tried to drown but this place is cursed
So I'll just swim around and go through the motions I've rehearsed
 Mar 25 Jay
Kalliope
Delusional
 Mar 25 Jay
Kalliope
I fell in love with our delusions
Promise of love, a home, a life
With no fear of the obstacles or outside intrusion
But that blew up and now I'm stuck
Convincing myself it was all an illusion
I don't want to know if you miss me
Because I'll allow myself to miss you too
And when I start missing you, I'll wish I was kissing you and that's just not what we need to do
 Mar 25 Jay
Kalliope
2014
 Mar 25 Jay
Kalliope
Two tattoos, 10 years, many moons
No one could have told me I'd spend my life without you
You saw it all, my rise and my fall
Every girl that I was,
And the woman that I am
Saved a special place next to me
Where always you could stand
You held me when I cried
Cleaned my room when I couldn't move
Came to me from hours away
When I faced my darkest doom
Without you, I'd never be me
So I'll always love you from here
Even if you never see
You blocked me in the middle of the night,
No argument, no fight
I can understand how you outgrew me
But the weight of losing a decade long friendship is so, so heavy
 Mar 25 Jay
Kalliope
Idle
 Mar 25 Jay
Kalliope
I showed you all my favorite activities, included you in my hobbies.
I wanted you to see my soul and know I held you close.
But now everything is tainted with thoughts of you.
I cycle through games that now I can't play
So I just lay here and let it sink in
It hurts quite alot, but you're my every other thought
And I wonder if you feel the absence of what we could have been, like I do.
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