What do you see when you look at me?
Cause I see a little grain of sand lost in a sea.

This little grain of sand thats so small and tiny you can barely see it.
Floating in an infinite pool of blue,
being pushed by a faint current.

This grain of sand isnt like the rest,
its not laying at the bottom of a reef.
It has floated from shore to shore,
and has seen all sorts of fish.
Its floated in fresh water,
then in salt water.

But what if this faint current weakens,
and this grain of sand begins to sink deeper and deeper into the sea.
Where it begins to feel colder,
and then it becomes darker,
till the last ray of light begins to fade away.

This grain of sand is left floating in nothingness.
Feeling no current.
Seeing nothing but darkness.
Just sinking down to rock bottom.

So when I look at myself you know what I see?
I see a person that has potential.
A person that has been places and has seen things.
But a person that feels so small and insignificant that they think they dont mean much.

Just another grain of sand thats lost in a sea.

I miss him.

I miss looking into his kind eyes.
I miss hugging him, his arms shielding me
and picking me up into the sky like angels wings.

I miss how his lips would caress mine,
spelling out riddles of our love.

I miss feeling his light within me,
and having it illuminate the way and guide me.


The light has become so dim,
I can only see a couple steps ahead of me.
I feel blind,
the answer could be right in front of me but I just dont see it.

The light is almost out.

The sound of home isn’t an
ordinary sound.

It’s the sound you hear
when your laughing with
your family.
It’s the sound you hear
when a guitar plays
from the corner of your
ear.

The way his guitar strums
and makes me feel warm
Inside, like warm tea going
down your throat.

The feeling of home isn’t an
ordinary feeling.

It’s the goosebumps you get
as a leaf blows by you.
The colour orange as a
constant reminder of your
Childhood, like the rain that
drips from the grey skies.

I can not define home with
just words, but i can with
silence.

The pitter-patter of rain
immune to me to become
the silence.

No birds or grasshoppers
chirping, not even any sound
from the wild thieves with
striped tails wondering in
the night.

Only the sound of memories
repeating in my head.
And the images repeating to
bring a smile to my face.
To make me think to myself,
that’s my home and i’ll never
forget it.

Well its been a month
and ive given up
Ive got better things to look foreword to.

Ill get on that plane
gaze at the terrian
and slowly but surely carryforeword.

I wanna breath
and feel my lungs
not giving out on me

I wanna speak
and have my words meet
a welcoming ear

that will listen
that will understand
that will smile
and take my hand
and off we go

I wanna walk
and trot along
not have my feet drag me

I wanna wake
and for once be happy
make my morning tea

I'm tired of not having someone to understand
if only I knew where you were
I could take your hand
and off we go

I I I
fall into you
I try try try
to keep myself cool
but you
you hold the sun
melt the frost of my skin

without a thought
you stole my heart
and my spirit sours to you

Let's go go go
across the earth
the day will fade
and darkness will come
but you
you hold the sun
your light
will shine the way

without a thought
you stole my heart
and my spirit sours to you

I baked you cookies
so you'd think I could bake
they tasted like ****

When you compliment me
i make sure to
not seem to happy

I'd give you space
so you'd think that im secure
but i just get lonely


chorus:
I was broken
and im learning
that to want is okay

When you hold me
very slowly
missing pieces fall in place


I started to show you
that i can cry
and i didn't hide

I started to tell you
things that keep me up at night
you'd help me feel sane

chorus

I baked you cookies
so you'd think that i could bake
they tasted like ****

I baked you cookies
so you'd think that i could bake
you liked them anyways

what if i told you goodbye
today, while you're still soaring from a high
sitting on cloud 9
tell you i'm not ready
or i'm too busy
too sad for love
what if i was that unkind

would you break
into pieces
lose your sense of self
lose your shape
would you need time
or an instant rebound
to cope through the pain

sometimes i wonder what it's like to be the dumpee
sometimes i wonder if anyone goes through pain as much as me
sometimes i wonder if the reason people that left me did because i love too much
too strongly
thought i was crazy

but one thing is true, i love so much
i'm loyal in my blood
to the brittle bones of my body
i love like crazy
like a fairytale
like a pre-teen girl writing a boys name all over her journal

nobody's wanted me this much before
not the last, not the first
being adored this much, loved to the core
i'm scared
i think about the end
and not being loved anymore

but he's still here
and the love grows in my chest
and the fear grows with it

let me in
let me be your sunshine

let me in
let me be your light

ill show you a world
where trees smell like fresh pine

believe me
its a beautiful sight

im tucked neatly on a shelf
a hard cover novel
colourful and eye catching
i'm not new
my corners look worn out
pages ripped out

i'll try not exposing my last chapter
diminishing the magic of the journey
taking away the energy of the suspense
flattening the emotion
ruining a connection that could be
slow
that could be
powerful
that
could be

stay tucked neatly on a shelf
the question is
will they read me?

i rub your back
and you rub mine
and with the things i lack
you pick up the slack

like a strong green pine
you're a breath of fresh air

oh and im grateful
for each breath that we share
though mine is cold
and it floats in the air

between our kisses
and our sentimental stares

like a strong green pine
you're a breath of fresh air

i bring the winter cold
i bring it with me in my pocket

i freeze the life around me
and the ice fractals grow and trap me

i bring a whirling blizzard
to your feet
but you stand tall
and unphased by me

like a strong green pine
you're a breath of fresh air

i was not prepared
for your arrival
you came into my life
so quietly and gentle

and from the beginning
you put your heart on your sleeve
your courage was inspiring
and from there
my heart was yours to keep

like a strong green pine
your a breath of fresh air

one day i'll wake up
put on a cozy sweater
one that'll keep me warm from
the wind

pack up a backpack
fly up oh so far
somewhere i've never ever been

there won't be anyone
i'll leave behind
my nature keeps me alone

maybe somewhere
out in the unknown
the universe will give me
a bone

oh oh and it will be good
oh oh and it will be nice
oh oh and it will be alright
oh oh new home

you'll find me
in an empty park
on days that are too cold

i'll be leaving
trails of smoke
blood rushing to my nose

i can promise
if you see me
your face i will remember

but i am no more
the one you knew before
and i won't look your way

**
v

seems im meant for the road
my heart and my soul
no rest and no home
hope i won't be so lonesome

sometimes i'm stuck in my mind
and i float up high
till im gone in the sky
and i need a hand

^

oh isn't it scary stuff
when things around you change
it's the way of the world

time makes the things around you
grow and wilt and age
the consequence of time is change

i know it's everyone's wish
that things stay the same
content in your space

me im plagued with feeling bored
i'm plagued with wanting more
i've seen too much
a restless case

oh oh and it will be good
oh oh and it will be nice
oh oh and it will be alright
oh oh new home

I wont give up
No, not so quick

Ive been through so much
My hearts grown thick

Ill win you back
Just wait you'll see
Ill make you run right back to me

I wanna hold his hand'
and feel how it fits mine perfectly.
I wanna look into his eyes,
and see my future.
I wanna hear his laugh,
like symphony of happiness.

But i'll never be able to comprehend that he feels the same.

I repeat to myself over and over that he likes me,
but instead of being able to grasp that informtion,
I am interrupted by butterflies and giggles.

I wanna hold his hand, look into his eyes, laugh with him and kiss him till I can prove to myself its all true.

i miss
"i love you"
i miss
having someone near
to share my fears

what if
you held me
would that
be too much to bear
sit and stare instead

the world
is loud and
my ears
could use the rest
listen to your voice instead

distract me from myself

I used to always think of you before I drifted off to sleep.
Most of the time I’d close my eyes and imagine my head on your chest.
If I concentrated enough
I could hear your heart beat in sync with mine,
like one body formed in two.

Although we are no more,
the thought of you holding me is the only thing that calms me enough to sleep.
I feel at peace. Tranquil.

And then when I dream,
I dream of what could’ve of been.
The memories we had
altered by I slight change.
Different things I could have done that might have kept you from leaving.
Different things I could have done to make you still love me.
To make you still look into my eyes till this day
like I was your whole world.
To make our kisses have that spark that they had in the beginning.

I dream about what our happy ending could have been,
and it feels so real.
I feel every touch.
Every kiss.
Every butterfly in my stomach.
I feel alive,
and happier than I ever.

And then I wake up.

Will I feel this weight on my heart forevor?
Cause it eats me alive everyday.

I physically feel it pushing down on my heart and sinking it down to my stomach.

Will it ever be as light as feather?
Cause sometimes i get butterflies in my stomach.
I feel them flapping their wings and raising my heart back into place.
I feel so happy it brings a smirk to my face.

But it never quite gets there.
No matter how light it may feel,
the weight is always there.
Its everywhere.

My mind scares me.
It forms faces in the dark,
ominous and disturbing.
From the corners of my eye
I see beaming eyes and a face smirking.
I can never close them when Im alone.
Someone could be out there,
lurking.

clear blue sky today
my mood has lifted

life has a nice fresh breeze to it
a happy gust of wind has been gifted to me
making me feel refreshed and alive

filling my lungs with cool air
helping me breath again

seasons are changing
new chapters are beginning

i feel my life has shifted
i no longer feel so conflicted

i just hopped a fence
grasped the steel wires with my fingers best i could
took a chance
like i've taken many times before
scars are still left from the wires pricking and tearing my skin, sure
but i still climb
and i do it with thrill
a grin slapped on my face
and with as much hope as there is water in the oceans
or sunshine in the summer

whatever metaphor i use
doesn't matter
wherever i go
hope is permanently embedded in my soul
and maybe it makes me naive
and maybe it's hurt me before
but all that hurt is proof that i had hope
that i tried

hope propels me forward, guides me
hope gives me strength to climb
climb this fence like it's nothing
like im just floating up and over
till im there
and my toes plant themselves into the grass
and i see what the universe gifts me
the paradise that surrounds me

my body, my skin
no wounds
i didn't get pricked this time
i'm fine, i'm really fine
i've only been able to climb over once before
and i don't remember what it's like to live on this side anymore
just another chance to grow
learn
and love more

nothing makes me feel more alive
than when i’m gliding through soft snow

zooming down the cold, icy mountain
you feel the breeze bite your cheeks
skiing in between fir and fresh pine trees

i turn my music on louder
forget about my surroundings
just me, my ski's, and the powder

being lifted back up by the gondola
oh the sights you can see
counting footprints in the snow
a bunny rabbit or three

turn your back and look down at the living, breathing city
lights that mingle surrounded by deep green
you forget whether you are looking up at the night sky
or down below
at the beautiful sight of Vancouver

im so dependant on my friends
there the only people that make me happy

when im alone
i just feel empty

a void

i put all there little notes and drawing around my room
so i can look around and smile

without them my room would feel discoloured and lonely

i wish all i needed was myself to feel content

i cant write
only scribble meaningless words
i cant eat
only hear my stomach's churns
i cant sleep
only remember things i wish i could forget
i cant feel
wish my whole life could just reset

i stare outside my window,
observing my own starry night.
my soul calling outwards,
pulling me into the blades of grass
where i lay restlessly.
no time.
no meaning.

“hey”

just a simple word
but what does it mean?

after six months of silence
six excruciatingly depressing months
six month of self growth and perseverance
six months of never ending love and support from my friends

and then once that chapter in my life ended
and all is well
one lonely night you text me

“hey”

we’re you missing me
as the night sky fogged up your brain
and fished out your thoughts

was there some last words
that never slipped through your teeth
like the milky hue of smoke that seize’s your lungs
and escapes from your breath
to waltz with the cool breeze

what do you want from me?

what do you need?

every inch of your heart
beating

blood
pumping

body intertwined with mine

every strand of your hair
thick and soft

all the way down to your chin
cute and scruffy

every wrinkle on your palm
wondering
caressing my soft skin

every little twinkle in your eyes
dreamy and consuming

every little giggle
in between our kisses

that leaves me just speechless

i can’t get enough of every little inch of you

oh forgive me father
for i have sinned

i let myelf fall again
my heart has been pinned

he who has hurt me
he who's light has dimmed

has breezed by me
like a cold wind

left my body all wobbly
as if its unlimbed

escape
we’re all just trying to escape

milky smoke entering our lungs
sensations of relief and worry-less fun

until

you sober up

and life

has never felt more dull

somewhere in between bliss and despair
i am stuck
i'm trying to get to paradise

i feel like i'm in an empty corridor
cold office building corridor
walking down
looking at every door to my left and right
trying to find paradise

doors to my left had writings that read
"Kalvin", "Halloween 2014", "12/15/2015"

doors to my right read
"Nemo pen holder", "whistler hotel hide & seek", "evening tea and apricot jam"

it smells like an old carpeted apartment building
they all have that same **** and cigarette smell

i keep walking and walking

the colours of the wallpaper agitating me
making me uneasy
it's that kind of light baby blue that you see in an old hospital or psych ward
i hate pastels

the lamps above flicker and buzz
and the corridor seems to get longer and longer
what if i never get to paradise?

each door has light illuminating from the cracks
door "Russian New Years" had all sorts of different coloured hue's coming from inside
muffled disco
Can't Get You out of My Head by Kylie Minogue playing
and shadows moving left and right can be seen from the bottom of the door

it's hard not to want to just keep visiting all these places
it's comforting
so warm
safe

but my happiness isn't in reliving my past
my happiness
my bliss
is a glossy dark blue door
blue door that i can't seem to find

i take a look around
the hallway
is a darker shade of blue
the lights aren't flickering
it's slowly gets warmer as i walk down the hallway
walls turn deeper and deeper into blue

i pick up my pace
i run down the hallway
i can see it
the door
my door
my bliss
at the very end of the hallway

i run faster
i'm sprinting
it's close
it's near i can see it ahead if i squint very hard
i'm close
but not there yet
still running in the hallway
between bliss and despair

daydreaming
listening to the rattling of the leaves
soft whispers of the breeze
passing by a pine every few minutes
i feel a sense of longing
i smile at each one
saying "hello, old friend" with every smirk
"good to see you again."

the wind picks up
a crescendo
i hear the forest sing like a choir
i feel hope in the pit of my stomach
nature talks to me in that way
"i see you. i hear you, little one.
you'll be just fine."

i dont find meaning or purpose
walking on a windy trail
but i always find hope

It was Friday, March 23.
The sun was burning bright in a clear blue sky.
It was a beautiful day to fall in love.

After school my mother and I went to Macy’s to go prom dress shopping.
As soon as I walked into the store,
there they were.

They were sparkly,
twinkling to me from a distance as if they were saying
“Jenny! Come look at me!”.
Some were long and flowy,
and as they drooped down
they looked like a waterfall.

So I scurried around Macy’s eagerly trying to find a dress that I liked.
Me and my mom picked up a couple for me to try on,
but so far nothing really stood out to me.

I then left to go to look at a different section of dresses.
I turned the corner and then I saw her.
The love of my life.
Some would say that she was simple,
but she had a such an elegant and poofy skirt
that anyone who wore it would feel like a princess.

After examining her with a huge smile,
I was about to take her and run to my mother and show her,
but then I remembered.
It was time to look at the price tag.
I was scared.
My stomach began to ache.
And I also knew that any other dress I’d wear wouldn’t feel good enough if it wasn’t her I was wearing.

After glaring at the dress for a minute,
my hands became restless and sprung out as I flipped up the price tag.
It was $300
And I was heartbroken.

My mom came around the corner and saw me frowning at the price tag.
I felt like I was about to cry,
and I think she saw it in my face.
For the emotions I were feeling were so intense it was just like a forbidden love.
I showed her the price tag and her eyes widened a little.
I knew she was gonna say no,
and she did.

She saw how upset I was
and offered to sow a dress for me just like that one.
I then got very excited and hugged her as tight as I could.

I left Macy’s that day with a smile on my face and glowing heart.

i sit in my room and wonder
how will everything change when i leave?
i know how things will happen for me.
my soul will condense and my heart will bleed.

but as i fly back into my city,
ill see all the lights flicker,
like fireflies,
so pretty.

and maybe ill be happy,
maybe ill feel like i can breath again
inhale the cold
finally fresh
air

i didn't know
something that felt like heavenly bliss
could leave such a bitter taste in your mouth

you told me you've hit a low
i would swim down to the depth of your mind
and save you
if you let me help you
no matter how deep
but it went south

it was a bitter taste

look at me from across the class
show me attention
my love, my love

i’ll tell you everything you wanna hear
heal your soul with my tears

i’ll give you warmth
i’ll give you life
i’ll give you the courage to fight your fears

give you a home in my arms at last

ever since i met this person
makes me wanna be the best version
of me
so happy to be with

when you wrap your arms around me
can't help but feel so happy that you found me
so happy to be with

this ferris wheel of life that's turning
sometimes i'm dizzy
but there's a heart burning
in me
so happy to be with

i'm not someone that needs saving
but when you're around i feel so amazing
don't you see
god i hope i'll be with
you

i still have the love letter

its pinned on my wall
hidden under drawings and photos

i still have that stupid caticorn stuffed animal
its laying behind my bookshelf

i never have the courage to throw anything from you away

they're just sitting there

picking up dust

forgetting
but never letting go

like my feelings for you

Do you remember the time you met a girl from mars?
walking among humans,
you thought she was from the stars
gave you eyes and talked to you like no one else was in the room
you thought she kept you from your eternal doom
intriguing that you walked and talked like one and the same
we thought we were one and the same

at the end you were still missing something,
unsatisfied, in pain
your eternal doom came
you sent me back on a one way ticket to mars
back to the stars
but you see that is where i'm meant to be
and i might finally see
the people that are meant for me
are the ones that can roam free
not tied to the ground floor

soon i won't miss you anymore
so when your puppet strings finally tear and fall to the floor
and you can fly up and look and ask me for more

i won't be found
there is no man that will make me stay around

i'm stuck
singing joyously loud to love songs in my car
windows down
obnoxious to the cars around
i'm stuck
while everyone at work is serious and just focused on their tasks
and i stand there and greet people around with a smiley hello and a floppy wave
i'm stuck
daydreaming in my mind
floating around

i'm so happy
but i'm stuck
stuck on you
stuck on knowing i want someone that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt
i am the one they want
and their stuck on me too

but i'm stuck
and that's just my luck

served nice and cold on an ice cream sundae
being held feels like a nice sunny day
i'm comforted
can even crack a smile
my vision is more than grey

you know you're funny
it's kinda healing
gets rid of all my thoughts and feelings
to laugh and be purely in the moment
and look at you
your cute face
for a second my memories don't come flooding back

i really hope i'm on the right track
and i hope that you like me back
i'm not ready to love but my heart is beating and my stomach has butterflies
i want you to stay around
so it doesn't feel like everyone is leaving

teach me to smile again
without any tension
keep me believing

i miss you
i miss the world through your eyes
i miss you before anger was lurking outside the bedroom
i miss your peace walking home from school down the lil green trail
i miss your excitement when school took you on walks to the ****
i miss you when life looked like illustrations in a children book
you're still there
i feel you around when i laugh
you'll always be there
but you're so small
sometimes i can't find you within myself
and i miss you

I just want to hold her.
Sit with her through the night, have her fall asleep in my arms.
Watch her drift off with no more pain.
The world finally off of her shoulders.

I wish I could be the one to extract the black ink that runs in her veins.
I wish she’d look at me the way I look at her,
consumed by beauty.
I wish she’d let me make her happy.

But she doesn’t look at me that way.
And she never will.

what i wanna say
it's all too much and i'll push you away
i know

thing is
what i wanna say
since the moment i met you
you blew me away

the thing is
what i wanna say
my plans for my life
don't make sense
anymore

what a bore
to live without passion
without someone to give my time

cause life is for living
body is for breathing
time is for killing
and being alive
i'm alive with you

the thing is
what i wanna say
since hiding away
i'm crawling out my cave
to you

but the thing is
will you

i wanna feel fine
on nights when my minds not so kind
sip some wine
fill my lungs from time to time
just so i feel fine

i wanna feel fine
hold me in your arms and tell me
"your mine"
your heart warms mine
kiss your lips from time to time
just so i feel fine

there are no words that can even begin to explain
the love i feel for you
its like a hurricane
strong winds that lift my body into the air
you make me feel like i can fly
every time you look at me
with that twinkle in your eye

that twinkle, that look, that gaze
it makes me feel all sorts of ways

like a tsunami,
big tenacious waves,
wash over me and drown me in your arms
where i feel your warmth
and know im safe

safe from anymore pain
without you im scared my heart wont take it
your love pumping in my heart
and coursing through my veins

this love thats inside me
it gives me strength
helps me keep my chin up high
no matter how many rocky roads i must walk by
id be able to walk them even if im blind
cause at the end of the day i know
if you are my destination
i'll be just fine

you are my forever,
forever ever

throw my ego in a paper shredder
stick pins through my eardrums
you goblet of terror
take a bite out of my heart
let me feel my last pumps
the ****** of my existence
going out
in a
thump
my god you don't scare me
eat me
beat me
leave me
spit on me
i'm worthless **** to me too
not just to you

I want to be safe
always in the arms of someone
or kept close by
held by the hand
guided with a hand on my back
and be told everything is ok
all the time

how foolish
how dependent

but i walk alone
always keep a distance
tell myself i'm happy
i'm great
i'm safe
hold my own

while the fear dances in my stomach
in my chest
tickling my throat
making my body ache

why don't i let myself go
why do i hold a wall inside
when all i want so badly
so excruciatingly badly is to connect
be taken care of
express that i need help
need love
need safety

will i be like this till im dead inside
or will i break down my wall and let my demons go

take me and my darlin up into the sky
and lay our bodies side by side

bury our bones under the willow tree
the time he took me by my arm and and stood on one knee

cut off circulation in our bodies
for now the only thing flowing through our blood
is one another’s memories

Me and my lover
our souls will ascend into nothingness
space will devour our mind and body
and the earth will reuse our flesh as fertilizer

we will merge in one and rest for eternity
the comfort of each other’s warmth keeping us at peace forever

if i had a melody
it would have a tone that pulls you close
playful piano keys
bright green grass and dandelions
running on your bare toes
and feel a summer breeze
that's the melody that i want people to hear around me
the melody outside my mind

inside
it's not so bright
it's confusing and uneasy
bright red kite
flown in a thunderstorm
melody with no pattern or beat
you won't sit still in your seat

it'll make you wanna run
hide away to safety
back to bed
to turn it off

just turn it off

for gods sake just turn it off

and sleep

to finally hear your piano keys
and be at ease

It's been 7 years
when i try and remember my home
the same few memories repeating
i can't seem to remember what it sounded like
the way my brother played his guitar
and how it made me feel
or when he picked me up from school on his BMX bike
we were cooler than all the rest of them
getting into a car

sometimes i look up at the stars
and i imagine i'm looking up
at the Vancouver glittery night sky
or i take a deep breath of air
and the way it bites my throat
will bring me back to the mountains
the snowflakes pinching my cheeks and nose

everyday
everyday
morning
go on a morning stroll and turn on my music
to distract myself
go inside and clean
to distract myself
make specific lists in my head about everything stressful i've been putting off
then sit down
finally to work
but i can't do anything and just sit and try to keep distracting myself
my brain won't stop
thinking
feeding me doubts
my inner critic so critical of everything that it's best to just not move an inch
and then it builds in my chest
every hour that passes
i panic
i need to do something productive before i ruin my life like i always do
do something
do something
DO SOMETHING
then i cry
then i sob
then i heal
reassure myself everything will be ok
calm myself down
and sleep
night
everyday
everyday