home
where is my home
is it where my mom makes me coffee
in the morn

hope
it comes and goes
when the moonlights shining on me
it goes away
and i'm cold

You
came in like a storm
shook me to my core
spun me around
and im yours

take me
along with you
i promise to be kind
gently calm the winds in your mind

if you let me
i know i'll be
a home
and hope
for you

oh, we all know
nothing is easy
but
your ability to lift up the corners of my lips sure is,
with your snarky little jokes
and your sly expression

nothing is picture perfect
i'd boldly say
if my life was a picture
it would be old
and yellowed by coffee stains
but
you take my photo back in time
reversing the falling mug
till
my photo is new and crisp

it is a miracle
you and i
it is a gift
a gift that i never thought id deserve to be granted
by her
the universe in all her glory

however you and i turn out
whichever path she sends us on
together or apart
our love is
a movie
a fairytale
my winter wonderland
my temporary fever dream

the pavement
it sparkles
from the lamps around
not the moonlight

stars are unseen
it's a dark cloudy night
trees casting a shadow
so dark
they are a black abyss
not from the moonlight

there's no stars in the sky tonight
no magic in the moonlight
everything is colorless and dark

sometimes the things that remind you of happiness
remind you of sadness

sometimes you wanna break it all into little pieces
everything around you
chop off all the trees
dry up all the oceans
collapse all the buildings
create chaos

make life around you look like
how the life around you feels

but i cant
and thank god i cant
cause although you can't see the moonlight tonight
you can see a sparkle in the pavement

It's been 7 years
when i try and remember my home
the same few memories repeating
i can't seem to remember what it sounded like
the way my brother played his guitar
and how it made me feel
or when he picked me up from school on his BMX bike
we were cooler than all the rest of them
getting into a car

sometimes i look up at the stars
and i imagine i'm looking up
at the Vancouver glittery night sky
or i take a deep breath of air
and the way it bites my throat
will bring me back to the mountains
the snowflakes pinching my cheeks and nose

hey im back
putting words to complex emotions
if only their were enough words out there to describe how i feel
it's always so many things tied together
blue, excited, scared, hopeful, exhausted
all at once
ganging up on me
making me wanna laugh and sob
dance around to my favourite music or have a breakdown and cut my skin
how do i write something that's so chaotic
where do i begin
i don't even know how i've ever written anything
it's beyond me
im not talented enough to have written the things i have
it must have been influenced by some things i read or heard around me
it couldn't have been me
i'm an imposter
i'm not a writer
i'm just a girl
that's too emotional to function properly

everyday
everyday
morning
go on a morning stroll and turn on my music
to distract myself
go inside and clean
to distract myself
make specific lists in my head about everything stressful i've been putting off
then sit down
finally to work
but i can't do anything and just sit and try to keep distracting myself
my brain won't stop
thinking
feeding me doubts
my inner critic so critical of everything that it's best to just not move an inch
and then it builds in my chest
every hour that passes
i panic
i need to do something productive before i ruin my life like i always do
do something
do something
DO SOMETHING
then i cry
then i sob
then i heal
reassure myself everything will be ok
calm myself down
and sleep
night
everyday
everyday

like a dandelion
you and i
the universe picked us up
and blew
so we said our goodbye's

flew away
you east
and i stayed

but i didnt get to fall to the ground and grow
i needed time till i could follow
and show
that im not hollow
i still have to wait till tomorrow

i wanna stay in the past
think about how we agreed
we would last

if only there was a spell i could cast
to keep me falling from the stem
live life like im in the past

but im falling down
life keeps moving
and the breeze keeps flowing

ill soon start growing

growing up

it's insanely quiet
i can have a peace of mind
anytime
whenever i so choose

i feel so much more supported
i no longer think that at life i'll lose

maybe it was just the weather
but i felt like i could never catch a breath
now it's so nice and cool
and i breath so much better

i'm thankful for my environment
because of it i'm healing at a faster rate
eating full meals
and finishing my plate

tonight i was laying in my bed
and i closed my eyes
i reached out my hand
and i felt their hand slowly, welcomely,
grab my hand
my mind couldn't make out the shape or size of the hand
neither the colour or or the texture
whether it was soft or rough

it was shapeshifting
unable to stay set on one form
cause there is no form yet

this person
whoever they are
i haven't met them yet
don't know the sound of their voice
or whether they have dimples on their cheeks
or what colour their eyes are

i don't know whether their tall with a scruffy beard
or my height with soft lips and a sharp eyeliner

i'm ready for them
now i'm just waiting on them

Lift
Lift another weight up on your shoulder girl
Sink
Sink down deeper into the ocean girl
and curl
curl your arms around your self
cause you only have yourself
you're a lone pearl
trapped in a clam shell
doors to heaven have slammed
so you're stuck in hell

a familiar being
that i must have met before
one that my heart flutters for
the light that emits from inside
brightening up a room in an instant
a heart full of love just impossible to hide

a familiar soul my own must have crossed paths with
a soul so pure and kind
ones like those people call a myth
my heart calls for it
his laugh opened up my heart like a locksmith

this familiar feeling
this feeling of a home
like a foreshadow
for a home to be
this familiar being
loves me

i'm learning that my loneliness swallows me
no matter how many wonderful things are happening
so many things im being shown that tell me i have hope
if i can't hold that hope and feel it with my hands
if it's not tangible or in my face for me to see
i'm swallowed whole
by my loneliness

i'm trying so hard right now
but why is it so hard in the first place
i don't want it to be hard every day

You went away
you didnt want to stay with me
Did i make it this way
or was it not meant to be

Oh I look out my window
see how the world moves.. on..
Guess life's bitter sweet.. like that huh?

I'm ******* done
I said it, i'm ******* done with you
Cause you wanted to run
and there was no stopping you

Oh no matter how it happened
I knew you would move.. on..
I just wasn't the one.. for you huh?

I can try
to forget your eyes
That day
they were telling lies
Your face
I could tell you didn't want me-didn't want me
I could tell

These words I will say
I will say till they come... true
Repeating everyday
just to feel like i'll live through the day

I am worth fighting for
I am worth the miles...the time...
When I love again
i'll be fine

i'm addicted to skin
and touch

addicted to the closeness
the complete acceptance
of my body and soul

i know that in that moment
i am enough
i know that in that moment
i am exciting
worth their time

i want it to last forever
cause when the clothes are on
we're no longer together
there is no connection
ever

just momentary passion
instinctual
but conditional

air is colder now
skin feels older now
but your face is a blur

by a busy street
lights that blind me
your car passed by me

and i, oh i
didnt feel a thing
and i, oh i
barely noticed it did a all

looked at my mirror
smudges and spots keep me from
seeing clearer, oh but

my hearts pounding and
i cant feel a thing
the noise is load - pretend
i dont notice it at all

leaves are falling down
still green
kinda like you and me
i'm the leaf still growing and you're the tree
that's already ******* sick of me
got rid of me

and i, oh i
didn't want to go
and i, oh i
pretend
i never grew with you at all -
at all v
at all -
at all ^

oh i got better things
my cuts don't sting too much
be grateful for the simpler things
the big things bleed you dry

how does a person become so unfamiliar in minutes?
a body i used to know so well
still looking the same
but a face i've never known before
this person sitting just as close to me as always
to me is a stranger
i don't like being so close to strangers
i get this uncomfortable feeling
but he isn't one
i know this
yet i am uncomfortable
this aura and soul the connects with mine
this feeling in my heart of safety and comfort
now gone
like the face of your loved one has been blurred out
and you no longer know if it is them or not
like an infant being held by their parent then being given to be held by someone unfamiliar
and the baby weeps
how does a person become so unfamiliar in minutes?
can dark emotions transform you into someone else

smooth chapsticks to hide the biting scars on your lips
made by your anxious teeth
the red marks on your skin that are picked
by your anxious fingers
its hard for my conscious to just stop and sit
my thoughts running a million miles an hour
but i cant do anything
i dont have the power
i can try and go take a relaxing shower
there were i end up just sitting on the floor
her words echoing in my brain
calling me a *****

you have planted yourself in my mind
in my thoughts
the little acts of kindness
that stop my heart
you have me feeling like a mess
your kiss, those hands touching me
i cannot stress
how i think of you and become a total mess

it's so emberrasing
in the most inconvenient moment i think of you
and i'm doing the most devilish things
im your scandalous fool

I knew it in the beginning
and i know it now
i hear our souls singing
they're calling out to each other
they're meant to be together

each life time we try and try
i don't know if i'll ever have the pleasure of growing old with you
maybe each lifetime we're meant to say goodbye
maybe you breaking me is what i need
to climb life's mountains with my bare feet

or maybe you are the mountain
and i must keep climbing
fighting
trying

i used to see what my future holds for me
i don't know where my career would take me
i don't know where i'd wanna travel and see
i only knew you and me
i still hold on to that future
it was the only thing that gave me comfort
it gave me ease
knowing if i was with you i'd be happy no matter what

what a fantasy

what a delusion

i'd need to learn necromancy to bring back the love you had for me

what a wonderful solution

something in the air
he was gentle
all i can think about is that fine head of hair
he was gentle

his hand holding mine
it's held mine before
it must of
he was gentle

conversation wouldn't stop
the chemistry
it was natural
he was gentle

his lips felt addictive
remind me of my feelings from the past
it was magical
it was butterflies and giggles
snuggles
he was gentle

he gave his attention to me
worshipped my smile
he saw me
he was gentle

i let the world show me i'm not alone
i'm not crazy for my dreams
i'm not simple, and so isn't he
he was gentle

Bring me home
with your touch
your hand in mine

bring your sunshine onto my cold dead skin

bring me home
look into my eyes

i'm weak
you know i'll let you in

make me feel again
make me feel real again
and maybe then
i'll see your face instead of his

god how i miss
living in love
in bliss

maybe you won't walk away
maybe you'll be the one to finally
look into my eyes
and stay

but i'll do everything i can not to scare you
pretend like i don't need you

everyone knows i'm incapable of holding back
i just hope you like me back

life that changes,
lovers that push you to grow and take the darkness out and shake it
clicking fires and smiling faces
tell me you love me under the warm welcoming stars
i see them in your eyes
i dive into them and they take me far
up into the sky,
i fly by
when i'm with you i'm not grounded
my angel ***** his wings
raises me high
to the planets, to the sky
no matter how high im warm from his fire
when were close our bodies emit sparks
that grow ever so higher
from the flame in our hearts
his heart, his soul
destiny takes control
as the universe unfolds

why won't you bruise me
i bruise myself so easily

marks all down my legs
how little effort it would take

colour me up
oh baby
colour me

why do you look at me so gently
it should be intense with lust

eyes full of desire
whisper i love you
but you're a liar

i wish it was wrong
i wish you would make me cry

so that i could live on trusting
the world is disgusting

colour me up
oh baby
colour me

but you hold me like i'm precious
and treat me like your princess
not your mistress

and you did from the start
appreciating my heart
and loving every part

i'm so scared
my world is different
it's uncanny
you're not only teaching me to trust in love
but in people
most importantly
to trust my own happiness