Life is all about the endeavor
To say it now or never,
In order to find your forever--
Even still, however,
You won't find it here or there or whichever,
But if you don't look, your heart will dissever,
Upon anxious and angry "It's whatever."'s.
But you won't find them whatsoever
If you open your heart to just whoever,
But trust yourself, and you can find them wherever.

You are the bluebird of peace
In the springtime.
The energy filled breeze
Of summer.

You are the hope for better days,
You are what grounds me back into place,
You are the sun, the moon and the stars.
Why?
You just are.

I see constellations in your voice,
I hear birdsong within your touch.
I feel the sunlight from the fire in your eyes.
You hold the whole sky,
You are the sun, the moon, and the stars.
Why?
You just are.

You are a dazzling within the depths of your soul,
And you hold stardust within the feathers you use for flight.
You swept me off my feet time and time again.
You taught me to fly,
And though I may falter,
I'm doing better than I've ever done.

You are the sun, the moon, and the stars.
Why?
You just are.

I long to feel your hands pressed into my back,
In an embrace that goes from kissing to much more.

I long to hear your laugh,
And to bathe in the light of your smile.

I want to feel your fingers running through my hair.
Whether you're gently gripping or lulling me to sleep.

I want to be held within your arms, safe and sound from the cruelty of the past, the harsh cold of the present, and the frightening void of the future.

I want to run my fingers along your spine,
Allowing you to let down some, if not all, of your walls.

I yearn to place my lips upon yours, so we may fall into place together.

I love you so, and all I want is to show you
The extent of that love,

So you may never feel inadequate,
So you may never feel left behind.
I want to love you just enough,
And then an infinity more.

Stay up here,
Right next to me.

We don't need to be
Down to Earth,
I'd rather have my head in the clouds,
Fly through the stars with me.

We can visit Orion,
And I'll tell the story wrong
About him and Artemis,
In hopes that you'll correct me enough,
That you just end up telling it,
Because I love hearing you speak.

And the gravity of situations
And circumstances
Will try to send us plummeting
Back to Earth,
But don't fret, my Bluebird.
Don't fret,
It can't get us, yet.

It won't get us yet.

Situational circumstances
And all their gravity
Will not and cannot
Bring us down,
And if we can't fall,
The only option is
Flying,
With you,
With me.
Fly with me.

"Please,"
I'll slur to you sleepily,
"Stay right up here with me,"
Just stay right up here with me,
Fly with me,

And we'll be immune,
Here and now,
To gravity.

You were a grey sky
and I was terrified of rain.
You were the churning clouds,
and I didn't have an umbrella.
You were the downpour,
and for the first time,
I was cleansed by the rain
instead of being stained.

The rain falls down
And I'm left
Feeling as though I might drown,
In pages unkept.

And I'm frozen,
Freezing cold.
The fear keeps it all in,
Keeps the words from being told.

And if I were to play out on
Violins and piano,
I'd call the clouds on,
And sing to you all that I know.

I'd wash away the ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.
And as thunder crashes,
Desolated hearts are reborn as stardust.

In the way your eyes flicker towards mine
I have found that if I were made of rain and storms,
I would require you as my sunshine,
And even still, I would defy all norms.

If I were a rain-woman,
I would melt at your touch,
I know it isn't much,
But the sentiment, I hope, is enough.

My heart is easily wounded,
The skin is raw and easily torn open,
Like scar tissue, it can't callous,
It can't harden.

My heart is warm and feverish,
A fire burning constantly,
In hopes to warm whomever touches it.

And it is a beautiful burden,
To feel so greatly,
To love so deeply.

And I will bear this burden
For forever
If it means loving you
So deeply
For all of time.

Sometimes,
And by sometimes i mean usually,
My skin is colder
Than my heart.

And i'm cold and missing you
And it's not like you're far away,
Or won't be here for long,
But i'm tired and shaky
And freezing
And thinking
Much too much.

You lift your wings
All blue and white and silver
And you take to the air
As though there's nothing to it.

And,
While in awe
I gaze upon your feathers,
All slick with the eager urge of flight,
And some missing pieces
From flights that turned to falls.

And I glance upon my own wings,
Still somewhat fluffy and down-like,
Most of the more mature, darker feathers,
Bent and missing parts because
I've never flown before,
I've barely even had the illusion of flight like you have.

But you take to the air,
And you soar.
And I gape at the sunlight bouncing off the various shades
Of blue.

There's the icy aqua
And the deep sapphires,
Along with the midnight, almost black.
And my favorite, the bright seafoam turquoise,
And the darker teal that looks emerald if you stare at it just right.

And don't even get me started
On the  contrast of the silver
And the white
Streamlining against the pleasant blues
That fill my heart with calm.

I watch as you spiral, and hover, and dive
And then pull yourself back up and into the air
Waiting for me to join you.
And once I did, I wobbled and I shook and I was terrified
To jump off that cliff,
But here I am,
Soaring, flying,
Right here beside you,
Holding my own fairly well.

And even still, after years of being in awe
Of the memory of your feathers,
I am even more in awe and filled with love
For the way you fly with me.

So hell isn't all
It's cracked up to be.
I've seen the damage,
The torture
The pain.

And I react physically
To every single memory,
My stomach twists and I convulse,
And I gag and double over in pain.

Tears stream,
Y'know
The works.

But then there's the high waters,
And with each and every rain drop,
I believe I'll see it soon.

And I don't know which is worse,
My personal hell,
Or knowing that the end days
Could come
And I couldn't
Ever stop them.

Come hell,
Or high water.

I may not be strong,
I may not be powerful,
Or skilled
Or threatening
Or coordinated.

But I will do
Anything and everything
Within my power
To protect those I love
From the greatest harm I know:
Myself.

I am getting better,
Slowly
But surely.

I will no longer be harmful,
Come hell or high water.

You come home
Tonight.

I'll have you to hold
Tonight.

And while
I am fearful
Of the future
I am grateful
For the present.

Please be safe,
And come home to me.

I couldn't stay asleep
Last night.
So when I felt your arms
Around my waist,
I have to admit,
It still comes as a shock.

I've spent years
Trying to deny
Trying to pretend
That I could love someone
Other than you,
Because it certainly seemed
Like I would never come back.

When you have nothing,
You make due with what you have.

Maybe it's cruel
That I was just making due,
Maybe it's cruel
That I used them
To replace you.
Rest assured, though.
I never loved anyone
The way I love you.

And maybe I'm a fool,
But I like the saying

"Light your past on fire,
And move on."*

Meaning burned bridges
Should stay ashes.

Thankfully our bridge never burned.
It just got left,
So that the woods surrounding
Either end
Might have gotten the chance to grow and flourish
Into one singular forest.

So as I lay,
Exhausted from insomnia and this cold,
I watch our trees grow so tall,
And I breathe in all the fog
And the smell of the leaves
And take in the chirping songs of the birds,
Eyeing hummingbirds and bluebirds.

So as I lay,
I surrender my anxious anticipation
For the other shoe to drop, so they say,
And find comfort, in this.
And find comfort, in us.

There's a fire in your eyes,
But a calm surrender in your voice.
There's a flare in your touch,
But a wave of peace in your heart.

You hands
Grazing my skin,
And your lips
Upon mine,
Is a type of home
I've never had
And a type of hope
I've never felt.

But in this flowery depiction
Of love and all that it is,
I have to say that there is
A hold you have over me,
That reigns my madness in,
It keeps my insanity
In check.

If you are the sunlight,
Allow me to be ivy upon a wall,
Growing and crawling up to reach you,
Flourishing and blooming
All the while.

In one hundred days
I have come close
to thinking poorly
of myself.

but in one hundred days
I have thought of myself as good
and worthy of love.

it is one hundred days
and counting
of liking myself
and being loved,
if not by me,
then for some portion,
my Bluebird.

I cannot wait
to continue to be loved
by my Bluebird,
and to continue to like
who I am.

the counting will stop.
but I will remember
how far I've come
and I will try
to continue
to go farther.

And if I gave into the darkness,
I'd find blood on my hands,
And a trail of regrets and sins
To follow home.

And if I struggled but continued to embrace
What little light I have inside me
I would feel a little stronger,
And a little brighter.

But I know that this
Darkness inside of me
Knows me all too well,
And it creeps up at the corners of my mind,
And slithers in through to my deepest
Most concerned thoughts,
And I've found I can fight it,
But only with the promise
Of your hand in mine.

Because the my light
Is too slight
Without the help
Of your bright.

And I'm afraid to say that I need
You,
But I'm even more afraid to say
That
It's so very
True.

And if I could tell you
That every light part of me
I learned from loving you,
Whether it be in that clandestine way
I had so many years ago,
Or the much more obvious type
That I display now,
I would tell you
In every way I know how.

I could do dishes for days,
And still not be done.

I could wash your laundry,
And vacuum the carpets,
And mop the tile floors.

But this place is not a home
Unless you are here.

I could fill the air with music
And forced laughter,
But unless you are here,
This is not my home.

For my home
Is wherever your heart resides;
For my home
Is within your arms.

Can't think
If I think I'll think too much
Can't speak
I have nothing worthwhile to say.

Think before you speak
I've always taken that to heart
Be careful what you seek,
It may just tear you apart.

Nausea stirs
As my heart drops into my stomach.

My vision is clouded
By opaque yellow,
The kind of yellow that is sharp,
Like the word *****.

My knees feel weak
My chest feels tight.

I have to rub my hands together
To stop them from shaking.

Not again not again not again not again

This happens everytime.
The word drops into the forefront of my brain
Like a hydrogen bomb,
And we're just
Collateral damage.

As always,
I wish I could say I'm sorry,
But I'd need a better word than that.
Even still,
Shrapnel is shrapnel,
And I guess I have to live
With what I've done.

Words
cannot
describe
this lost way
I feel inside.

and I cannot
explain
the source of all
this pain.

and I feel as though
you will not try
and all these smiles I'm faking
remind me of how I feel
like breaking.

I want
you to care
but persistently nagging you
over it
just isn't fair.

I have been too often
used and
broken
to allow myself
to be ignored
to allow myself
to be walked upon.

it is so hard
to be mad at you.
but I must be strong
in the face
of my love for you.
I cannot allow it
to make me weak.

I refuse to be
walked all over
and I refuse to be
taken for granted.

Humans are foolish,
And cruel.
They are petty
And vapid
And monstrous.

We have come up with
Thousands of negative words
To describe ourselves,
And we have gone to great lengths
To prove it to be true.

But with good intentions
And striving to be strong
And noble,
We make mistakes
That could easily destroy us.

And in our foolishness
We are beautiful
And kind
And good.

Humans are flawed
And destructive.
But there is a balance,
And there is good
Within the few
Of us.

Everyone wants to be your
Friend
When they need you.

And everyone wants to be your
Enemy
When the lies that are told
Are just enough juicy gossip
To fill that void in their heart.

And everyone wants to be part of your life
When you're about to call it quits,
And just say "**** this,"
And give up on them.

Everyone wants to get involved,
When you're ready to give up on them
Like how they gave up on you.

Understanding is fine,
But you made no obligation
To chase those
Who never intended to stay.

I'll pack up my bags,
And leave accordingly,
Off to bigger and better things
Than your mindset.

You'd be proud of me,
If you could feel pride for anyone but yourself.

I'm in love,
And I'm healthy and happy.

Your eyes are composed of
Storms and galaxies.

Your voice is constructed from
The low growl of a tiger,
And the cry of a warrior.

Your mind is a monument
Of walls upon walls upon walls,
And behind those walls
I see a glimmer of light
And love
And some darkness scattered
Here and there.

Your body is structured to resemble
Gods and stars.
Your hands find me
In between warm breaths
And laughter fills the air
In lighthearted bursts of tickling.

I could steal glances at
Your eyes and the galaxies they hold within them
For all of forever.

Close your eyes,
And realize
Things are dangerous
From my end.

Each and every step
If not placed correctly
Will result in my shattering,
But if placed
In the order
It should
It will
Result
In maybe something better
Than before?

And I am frozen
I am cold
But I see a type of light
Within you.

Strange things did happen here,
No stranger would it be:

Do you hear
The caw of the crow?
As ash falls
Like the never-coming snow.

Hush the little angels,
With a mockingbird that sings.
Promise them companionship,
And red-studded rings.

Listen as the raven-bird
Mocks you, nevermore, nevermore.
Bring forth the sunlight,
And stay forevermore, forevermore.

Strange things did happen here,
So no stranger would it be:
If we met below the harvest moon,
And read a spell in three's.

I fell in love with you
and the way you speak.

I am in love with you
and how you sleep.

you fell asleep beside me,
with your hand upon my ribs.
and in that hand grasps
the pink lace of my dress.

and the serenity upon
your closed eye lids
makes me
believe this is true
serendipity.

I love the way you sleep
speak
and breathe.

the rise and fall
of your chest against me.

the slight smile on your lips,
and the slight twitch
of whichever muscle.

the way your eyelashes
cast shadows across your cheeks.

and to believe
that if I were to be hurt
and you were to wake
from your moment so sweet,

all would know of the fire in your eyes.


but oh, how I love that flame.

I want to rip your heart out
I want to drop a match at your gasoline soaked feet.
I want to drink a glass of water while you burn.
I want to tie your hands to an angry bull,
And your feet to a red post.

I want to give you a metal pipe
And lock you outside during a lightning storm,
After dumping a bucket of water on your head.
And maybe leaving the bucket on your head.

I want to send your mother
A list of all the awful things you ever did
With signatures of mine and all your ex's swearing that it's honest.

I want to ignore the nightmares and
I want to douse myself in ignorance
And finally be blissfully unaware of your existence.

But I can't.

You always said I was too smart for my own good.

You become
Broken
After you lose the people
You thought would always be there.

There's always a part of you
That doesn't work quite right
After they leave you in shambles,
And even though you want to forgive all of them,
Sooner or later
You realize you shouldn't.

It's a fact of life,
That you become
Fiercely protective
Of people you thought you were going to lose
That you didn't.

Whether it be your mother
Who overcame all odds,
Or your brother,
Who didn't--
But is here anyway,
Because there's a reason he's here
There has to be.

Or people who wander around
Back into your life,
And you realize,
There's a reason
For him too.

But overcast days like today,
With all this rain and cold,
Remind you of the people
You couldn't will back into your life.
The people you didn't reach out to,
The person you didn't help.

And the guilt eats away at you,
Because what are you supposed to do?
If you could change it,
You would. A thousand times over.
But you can't.

Everyone says it's unfair to blame yourself,
But this year you're turning twenty two,
And well--
He isn't.

When people are ripped from your heart,
You become fiercely protective of who you have,
Because you are vividly aware
How easy it is to lose someone.

And you close your eyes,
And remember your mother's tears when she read a card
From her favorite of your cousins,
That went on to say how wonderful she is,
And how excited he is to meet you--
And then he was gone too,
Not a week later.

But you remember him,
And maybe it was the pictures and the stories,
But you remember him.
And everyone says it was just an accident,
But his words written in red stir something inside you,
Something all too familiar for it to be comfortable.

You push the lump in your throat away.

And then you think of her.
She was bright and lovely,
Full of life, full of love.
Wore lots of pink ribbons
In her cascading black hair.
She was so little, so young.
A child.
And that summer you went home,
And she needed you
And you weren't there
And you should have been there
But you weren't
And no one believes you
And no one wants to hear it
But it was all your fault,
And you can't bring yourself to deny that something is out there anymore,
Because if there's nothing out there
Then she's gone for good
And you can't cope well enough
With that.

Allow yourself
To become compassionate
Allow yourself to become
Protective
Of the people you love.
Reach out, open up.

You only have so long.

Breathe in.
Breath out.
What's this
Anxiety attack
About?

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Love me
Or leave me,
I'm still me
Either way
You put it.

I miss your smile,
I miss your laugh,
I miss the way
You hold my hand.

I miss the way
You hold me.
Maybe I'm blinded
By how much I love you,
But I miss you going on about
Something you're passionate about.

And I miss watching the faces you make
When you play video games,
And I miss naming animals with you
And discussing all ten dogs we'll have.

And I want you to tell me all about
The house you want to build in the mountains.

I want your hands to wipe away my tears,
And I want you to make me laugh,
And I want to talk about stupid stuff
Until we fall asleep.
I miss you,

And if you miss me--
Well I guess I'll have to
Wait and see.

I miss you.
Waking up without you
Is almost harder than
Going to sleep
Without you.

And nightmares plague me.
More intense in number
And in insecurities.

I'm keeping it together,
But I broke a little today.
The alarm blaring in my ears yesterday,
Along with getting lost today.
Enough was enough
When I thought you left
Your work
Without calling me,
When I brought you your cellphone.

It felt like a wave
Of pressure.
I've been trying so hard to keep it
Together.
But I'm failing,
And I'm homesick.

I'm homesick for my friends.
I'm homesick for my family.
But most importantly,
I'm homesick
For the only home I've ever known.
I'm homesick for you.

And god, it hurts to admit that.
That you being away
Hurts me so bad.
That it's so hard.
I thought I could do it.
I was sure I'd be fine.

And I am.
It's just harder
Than I'd like to admit.

Close my eyes.
Try to breathe.
Squeeze them shut harder,
But there's not a color
Darker than black.

Therefore night is as
Dark as
I'm allowed to get.

Leave me breathless,
Or bleeding out,
Either way,
I took the risk,
And here we are.

And I feel like
This could be really good,
If I can just forget everything else.

I feel like
You're all I want.
This love feels like
I could survive
Off a diet
Of crisp fall air,
your love,
And the rush of sunlight.

And jealousy
Can eat away at me,
From time to time.
My sins are greed (for your time) and envy,
I'm so over wrath.

But love me please,
If you'll see it the way I'm seeing it.

I can breathe easy,
Knowing you're mine,
But this love isn't all
Sunshine and roses
(Good thing I hate roses)

It's the weight of my heart
When we're apart.
It's knowing I can bring out the best
In you,
It's knowing who I can be
And exactly who you are,
And seeing the light in your eyes,
And knowing for a fact
That the fire that lays there,
Can burn,
But trusting it enough
To know it won't dare
Lick away at my flesh
Until all that's left is dry bone.

I know that fire that burns in your eyes,
Is the source of the sunlight,
And that it's your kiss
That creates a mock-autumn breeze,
So I can breathe easily.
I know your love
Will carry me into
The only home
I've ever wanted to know.

"I know we're miles apart,
But I'm looking your way."

You get high off your perceived power over my well being,
And I'm left shaking in rage.

You whisper tones of hatred and negativity,
And I allow it to crawl under my skin
Like the parasite your words are.

"I'll never give her a wedding"

You told my little brothers about me.

And it doesn't even matter,
I don't want your ***** money,
Or to acknowledge that you hurt me.
I never should have trusted you,
I was a fool in that.
At least you gave my brothers a normal life,
But you could never take sufficient blame for what you've done.

It's not your nature.

And it's a head rush,
A blood rush,
Cold air on my skin,
The room is spinning and I'm reeling
And this is why I don't get angry anymore.

My head is spinning,
I don't want any part of you
Or to owe you at all.
You blame me for things
I never did nor intended to do,
And you refuse to tell me at all
Where your hurt roots from,
You giant child.

I don't want your ***** money,
Your witches brew,
Because I'm a witch
Just
Like
You.

To spread reptilian wings
and fly with fire in their wake.
to blink amber eyes
and to hoard
things of knowledge and things of care.

to burst into flame
and be reborn
to be free of bonds
that destroyed them.

I guess loving someone is easy,
When the laughter doesn't stop
And you're lying awake because
Of something they said
And it keeps making you laugh or smile.

But loving someone is harder
When it's 3:45 AM and you're crying on the bathroom floor,
Because the nightmares won't stop,
And neither will the flashbacks,
And everything good has come to a halt
Because you're so scared of ******* this up to.

Loving someone is hard,
No one ever said it was supposed to be easy.

Loving someone is easy,
When it's noon the next day,
And you're trying so hard to be brave
And not think about the night before.
When you're making chocolate chip cookies
And blueberry muffins,
And they're on your mind.

Loving someone is hard,
When you're mom starts talking to you
About how you have to agree with each other
That divorce just isn't the answer,
And that you'll work through anything that comes your way.
But it's hard to hear
Because you've been left behind so many times before
Because you agreed to that mindset
And no one else did.

Loving someone is easy
When they'll touch you and hold your hand and protect you.
When they promise up and down that it's different
That they mean what they're saying.
When you can see that they're telling the truth
Within their eyes and their colors.

Loving someone is hard
When all your life you struggled to love yourself.
But loving someone will never be easy,
Because then it wouldn't be
A worthwhile adventure.

"Stay away,"
She throws up her hands,
Puts them in your face.
"Keep your distance."
She chokes out.

She uses one hand,
To cover the black of her eyes.
The piercing rage that turns her iris's
To smoldering soot.

Her ferocity
Is not with anyone
But herself.
The isolation
Takes a toll
As it burns like bridges
Within her.

She puts up walls,
Almost as rapidly
As the tears fall.

She closes herself in,
With winds going hundreds of miles per hour,
And rain the can pierce through flesh.
Lightning that makes her shudder,
And thunder that shakes her to her core,

But there it is.
A smell,
A noise above the storm.
A sudden, overwhelming warmth.
Soothing and sound.

She stands, and while thunder cracks open the sky,
And rain cuts open her skin,
She halts when lightning flashes,
And strikes the ground in front of her.

But this is her storm,
And she's taking it back,
Reeling it in,
It can halt before her.

Clenching her fists,
She explains that through a high morale,
A powerful moral compass,
And a little too much empathy,
That this is her storm,
She will not bend to the whims
Or fancies
Of any man nor God.

And when reeling in the winds
And rains,
Like pulling on the reigns
Of the shadows that haunt her dreams,
She sees a light in the distance.
Faint and ever glimmering
A beacon of hope,
She journeys towards it.

He reaches for her,
And despite the storm raging on inside her,
She drops her hands,
Drops her walls,
And laces her fingers with his,
And leans against his chest.

Hearing the soft song of Bluebirds overhead,
It's the first time she's seen
A sky without clouds.

Try to breathe,
Try to get oxygen to your lungs,
Try to breathe.

Slightly angry,
Slightly fed up,
Do I address it,
Or do I let it go?

I'd love to let it go,
But I'm here to try.
I'm here to be honest.

I need to know what you think,
If you find me beautiful or weak,
If you'd rather I stay
Or rather I go.
I'm sorry, I just need to know.

I'm sorry I'm cold,
I'm sorry I'm mad,
But I feel distant and
It's driving me crazy.

What am I supposed to do
When you're so far away
And I'm just here.

I feel like Ariel,
I have no voice right now,
And instead of true love's kiss bringing it back,
It's true love's acknowledgment.

I'm a beast,
And I'll remain a beast
Until the petals wilt off the rose
And I fall into dust and ashes,
Or until you acknowledge me.

I can feel the rain coming in,
But it's always been that way.
I've always been that way.
Like how a cat can feel storms approaching,
Due to the static electricity increasing beneath their fur,
I've always been able to tell when
The rain is about to come down.

Maybe it's the way my head feels heavier than usual,
Or that no sunlight comes through the blinds.
Or maybe it's that my ears ache for the thunder,
And when it does, it sends a shiver down my spine.

I hate the rain.
The way it leaves you cold
And shaking like a leaf.
I hate the thunder.
The way it drowns out all other noise.
I hate the lightning,
The way it paints everything black and white,
And strips the world of relief in its silence.

I hate the rain,
But it is a part of me.

She says it's nothing,
Because it should be nothing,
And She says it's nothing
Because it's so small,
Just like her,
That it's almost nothing anyway.

She says things like
I'm fine
And
It's okay
Because it's easier
Than breaking her front of strength
And showing you all the raw parts of her heart.

She swallows down hiccups and sobs,
And chokes out a broken and raspy
Don't worry about it.
Because she doesn't want to worry about it.

And most of the time
When  she doesn't talk to you
And she's angry
She's not angry at you,
She's angry at herself.

Because when she's good, she's great.
She's sunshine and brighter days
And warmth and care
And quick wit
And maternal instincts
And gentle touches
And firm stances.
It's all I love you's and this is where I belong

But when she's bad,
It's a kind of darkness she doesn't even fathom.
It's Why do I even bother?
And I don't fit anywhere

And I try so hard to be the best I can be
But I'm still not good enough.

She's rainstorms that send her into panic attacks,
She's flashbacks after flashbacks.
She's itching scars and aching wrists
And being able to feel the blood in your veins.
She's cold, too cold, so cold,
With a hot temper that flares and burns
Every bridge and person she's ever cared for.

She's a bird with a broken wing,
And she can fly
But try as she might it's never right.

And when she's bad, it's do you love me do you love me  do you love me
And when she gets worse it's suddenly and harshly
How could you love me?

She become shaking hands gripping the cold counter top for dear life,
Her need for self control begging her not to make a noise,
Not to cry or scream
Not to break the mirror--
But she wants to break the mirror because she can't stand the person she sees.

But when you reel her back in,
And pull her back down from her breakdown-esque break-away-from-you,
She's fragile and shaking,
But her pieces come back together strong enough to smile,
And she is small but she is slowly,
With ever the stubborn tenacity,
Getting better,
Getting stronger,
And more understanding.

Just remember to be gentle,
And when she asks you,
With fear hindering her vocal chords,
Making her all the more soft spoken,
"Am I really so bad?"

Remind her exactly why
You see anything in her at all.

She came to me crying,
And all I wanted was to wrap my arms around her
And utterly destroy whoever it was who hurt her.

Such is the life of an empath.

She came to me crying,
And the first words off my lips were
"How can I help?"

And she told the story,
Of how she watched him no longer care
And watched him fade away,
All the love they shared.

How he went from loving her smile
To not even wanting her around,
And she tried to explain
How bad it hurt.

But darling, don't you know?
I've been there before.
I've seen the change.
The brutal dishonesty
Of meaning less than nothing,
But darling don't you know?

That isn't love.
That's selfish desires
Causing lies
That cause fires.

But it gets so much better,
Beautiful darling,
It gets so much better,
Darling girl.

For the sun will set,
But the moon also rises,
And stars shine on your skin,
As though freckled with grace.

You will be so happy,
So someday,
So really,
You will be happy
Someday,
Really.

He'll come to his senses,
And it will be too late,
Darling girl,
You did the right thing.

And I wish I could tell you,
And that you would believe me
That it will be okay
And that your smile will grow
One day
And never fade.

I know for a fact
That it gets so much better,
But you cannot hear that now.

Instead I will tell you
Drink some tea,
Take a shower,
Wash your face,
Watch a movie.

You'll feel better
After a good night's
Rest.

My legs are
Criss-crossed,
Sitting with my shoulders slouched
Trying to make waves
With words.

My eyelids are heavy,
The mania makes it so I don't sleep.
I've been manic
For a week.

Tired during the day,
Up to the moon at night.
But I take my pills on time,
So I can keep up the good fight.

I'm trying to be sane
When I'm not.
Trying so hard to be perfect,
Trying not to get caught

B
   R
      E
         A
            K
                I
                  N
                      G

So I'm mixed up but I'm

M
    A
        K
            I
              N
                  G

My way back
To the start.

I just have to find my way
Back to the start.

You tell me
That despite the stress
Despite the annoyance
Despite what it would do
To a normal person
I am worth it.

That we will live
A long,
Happy life
Together.

And while I'm afraid to believe you
I'm also afraid not to.

For a moment,
It sounded like you were saying
No one could possibly love me
Besides you.

But after some thought,
I realize you were saying
Loving me is a great task
And I am worth
The uphill battle.
That you are up
To the challenge of caring for and understanding
Someone like me.

And maybe I'll never be
Entirely okay.

Somedays it's going to be too much.
For you and me.

Somedays I'll break and i'll shatter
And collapse into a puddle of tears
Because I live inside my head.

And I wouldn't blame you for leaving,
Somedays, I'd leave me too.

But you say you're not.
And despite winter and it's cold winds
And frozen air
And suffocation of my will to be content
I will continue forward.
I will believe you.
I will not doubt you.

But you must understand.
Somedays
I will be touchy and scared and in pain
Because of the chemicals in my brain
And because of the past and all the scars I've gained.

But as long as you can still love me,
At the end of those days,
We'll be okay.

Keep your arms open wide,
Open wide.
Treat with love every time,
Every time.
Be fair, be certain, and be kind,
Be kind.

I'm afraid I cannot call a house a home,
A home.
I can only keep going, I know,
I know.
But there is nowhere to go,
To go.

And you'd give it all,
It all.
To paint these walls,
These walls.
With tear I've let fall,
Let fall.

To show that beauty can come,
Can come.
From even the saddest heart's thrum,
Heart's thrum.
And within the beat of every drum,
Every drum,

Good can be found,
Be found.
If only you look up from the ground,
The ground.

Please remember,
Keep your arms open wide,
Open wide.
Treat with love every time,
Every time.
Be fair, be certain, and be kind,
Be kind.

I'm used to being alone.
But loving you is different.
I rarely get the feeling
Of being alone in a crowded room
With you.

And when i do,
It quickly recedes
Because whenever you
Touch me
Kiss me
Love me

I'm okay again.

You remind me
That things can be okay
Even when it feels like
It won't be.

And
I love you so much,
And these next few days
Will be hard,
But it's all worth it
For when you come home
Friday evening.

I hope you're alright.
I hope you're warm.
I hope you're having fun.

I miss you,
But that's okay.

When I was broken and bleeding,
Who stitched up my wounds?
Not you,
It was not you.

When I was scared and alone,
Who held me close
And whispered of my valor?
It was not you,
No it was not you.

When I was building myself out of the darkness
When I was finding my strength
When I was beginning to feel whole
Who was there?

It was you.

And I like
To believe
That part you
Recognized the blossoming strength
In part of me
And saw it as
A hope.
A light.

But damage does not heal damage.
And while I want nothing more
Than to take the hurt away from you,
For I was not there when you
Felt small and alone and angry and scared;
I can't take that away.

And I desperately want to,
I would give my heart and soul
To take away your pain,
But I cannot heal you.

And you cannot heal me.

I'm trying so hard
to be the best I can be
but some days
the parts of me
I haven't learned to like
get the best of me
and I don't know how
to piece myself back together
with all my pieces still intact.

I try so hard
to be the best I can be.
just trust that even days like today
still keep me on the path steady
to being the best me
I can be.

I do what I need to, in order to survive. That's my purpose. Get out and get out alive. I'm made to keep going, I'm made to persist. It's why I'm here, why I exist.

But you've given me more reason, along with the others. More reason to wait out all these grey seasons. Now don't get me wrong, I am fine on my own, but being with you is so much better, so much better than being alone.

Because there's more to life than surviving, there's a portion of living too. And one of my favorite parts of living, also happens to be loving you.

I am odd
off the wall
I am not unstable,
but I am not well.

maybe paralyzing
anxiety
and fear
get the better of me.

I have a constant need for permission
for approval
and it's wrong

but I want to be your
vision in white,
but with a name like mine
I'll probably be a vision in red.

I'd rather be
the one you come home to
the one that holds your hand
through the fire and the flame.

I want to be the one that has your children
the one that is irrevocably and eternally yours
to hold
to be with
to laugh with.

I just want to be yours,
and I cannot even fathom
being anything else.

Today the flashbacks hit me hard.
So hard I couldn't breathe.
So hard I got sick.
I don't remember what the trigger was,
It could have been a song
Or a poor turn of phrase.

Today I got home, and rewrapped my mother's wound.
Today I opened some mail for me,
All of which had to do with
An event I'm going to with my Bluebird
That I'm slowly getting more and more excited for
If not nervous.

I'm wearing the ring
Because it's makes me think of you,
Bluebird.
It's a little large.
A little extravagant,
But I can dress it down.

Today we discussed
You meeting me at my appointment on Friday.
And I'm excited.
I've gone from dread
To the excitement of seeing you
And the pain of going back to that town
Has turned into a wanting of the days to be shorter,
So we can be together sooner,
But instead I will be patient.
I will wait calmly and kindly
To fly with you.

All of the todays.
All of the tomorrows.
All of which will lead up to
My hands held in yours.

Hunger
Aches
In the bottom of my stomach,
And I'm cold sitting here
Under a fan
With a sweatshirt on
And shorts.
I could move,
But there aren't a lot of places
To be.

And I'm slightly dizzy
Because the hunger is stronger than I thought,
And wow at least I'm hungry,
But it's a different type than I remember.

Hunger isn't so bad,
No, it is not as bad as I remember
Sitting in the cold of winter
Wondering if maybe the next day
Will bring shelter and food.

And I think and close my eyes
And suddenly I'm still cold and hungry,
But it's not cold as in I have ice in my veins,
Rather a lack of heat
That being I crave heat,
And my hunger isn't exactly for food,
Rather for the growling to stop
And maybe hunger of the eyes is a thing,
Because I want to see your eyes light up
Which they do from time to time,
And I want to see you laugh and smile and hear your voice
And oh my God,
The anticipation is killing me
But it's a-okay
I promise,
Because I love having my hand held in yours
And I'd (im)patiently wait lifetimes
To feel our fingers interlock
If I had to.

Not to be a cliche, defined as
cli·ché:
A stereotype that is overused and displays a lack of thought,
But Bluebird,
If flying with you isn't where I'm supposed to be
Then I am so happy to be lost.

(I will hold you in my heart
And keep you warm there,
If you return the favor.)

Sometimes I dream so much
That it feels like I didn't sleep at all.
And I wake up with dark circles
And bags under my eyes.

And these dreams
Rapidly develop into nightmares,
And the most recent
Was where I lost you.

It's true,
Most of my nightmares are
Flashbacks
Or about losing you.

And the weight of hatred
In your gaze
Crushed my rib cage,
And I've never felt
Anything so painful
As to the words
"I don't love you,"
No physical hurt
Could compare
To the crushing sentiment
Of being outdated.

And while I am aware
It was just a dream,
It's driving me mad,
It seems.

And he wanted me to break,
He wanted me to be broken down
And damaged.
That was the intent behind his destruction
Of me.

Here I am, then.
Broken down,
Just like he asked.

My hardest days,
Are when I back track like this.
I've come so far,
I'm so much better than I was.

But today, I'm still pretty fragile,
Because my mind has been tainted
And my heart
Is still in partial fragments.

How you love it,
I have no idea.

But I trust
That you must,
Since you've stayed,
No matter my hardest days.

It feels like my skin is crawling,
Though I know that's just the old medication
Seeping out of my pores.

It feels like the room is spinning,
But that's just me getting used to
It not being in my system,
Because the new medication hasn't kicked in yet.

I'm a mess,
I'm a wreck.

My emotions are splattered on the wall
Like red paint or rust colored blood stains.

I feel myself slipping
But it is a slow decline
From sanity.

I fall into the void,
But the void spits me back up.

And why shouldn't it?
I'm not done here,
No, not yet.