So hell isn't all
It's cracked up to be.
I've seen the damage,
The torture
The pain.

And I react physically
To every single memory,
My stomach twists and I convulse,
And I gag and double over in pain.

Tears stream,
Y'know
The works.

But then there's the high waters,
And with each and every rain drop,
I believe I'll see it soon.

And I don't know which is worse,
My personal hell,
Or knowing that the end days
Could come
And I couldn't
Ever stop them.

Come hell,
Or high water.

I may not be strong,
I may not be powerful,
Or skilled
Or threatening
Or coordinated.

But I will do
Anything and everything
Within my power
To protect those I love
From the greatest harm I know:
Myself.

I am getting better,
Slowly
But surely.

I will no longer be harmful,
Come hell or high water.

"Stay away,"
She throws up her hands,
Puts them in your face.
"Keep your distance."
She chokes out.

She uses one hand,
To cover the black of her eyes.
The piercing rage that turns her iris's
To smoldering soot.

Her ferocity
Is not with anyone
But herself.
The isolation
Takes a toll
As it burns like bridges
Within her.

She puts up walls,
Almost as rapidly
As the tears fall.

She closes herself in,
With winds going hundreds of miles per hour,
And rain the can pierce through flesh.
Lightning that makes her shudder,
And thunder that shakes her to her core,

But there it is.
A smell,
A noise above the storm.
A sudden, overwhelming warmth.
Soothing and sound.

She stands, and while thunder cracks open the sky,
And rain cuts open her skin,
She halts when lightning flashes,
And strikes the ground in front of her.

But this is her storm,
And she's taking it back,
Reeling it in,
It can halt before her.

Clenching her fists,
She explains that through a high morale,
A powerful moral compass,
And a little too much empathy,
That this is her storm,
She will not bend to the whims
Or fancies
Of any man nor God.

And when reeling in the winds
And rains,
Like pulling on the reigns
Of the shadows that haunt her dreams,
She sees a light in the distance.
Faint and ever glimmering
A beacon of hope,
She journeys towards it.

He reaches for her,
And despite the storm raging on inside her,
She drops her hands,
Drops her walls,
And laces her fingers with his,
And leans against his chest.

Hearing the soft song of Bluebirds overhead,
It's the first time she's seen
A sky without clouds.

You come home
Tonight.

I'll have you to hold
Tonight.

And while
I am fearful
Of the future
I am grateful
For the present.

Please be safe,
And come home to me.

You lift your wings
All blue and white and silver
And you take to the air
As though there's nothing to it.

And,
While in awe
I gaze upon your feathers,
All slick with the eager urge of flight,
And some missing pieces
From flights that turned to falls.

And I glance upon my own wings,
Still somewhat fluffy and down-like,
Most of the more mature, darker feathers,
Bent and missing parts because
I've never flown before,
I've barely even had the illusion of flight like you have.

But you take to the air,
And you soar.
And I gape at the sunlight bouncing off the various shades
Of blue.

There's the icy aqua
And the deep sapphires,
Along with the midnight, almost black.
And my favorite, the bright seafoam turquoise,
And the darker teal that looks emerald if you stare at it just right.

And don't even get me started
On the  contrast of the silver
And the white
Streamlining against the pleasant blues
That fill my heart with calm.

I watch as you spiral, and hover, and dive
And then pull yourself back up and into the air
Waiting for me to join you.
And once I did, I wobbled and I shook and I was terrified
To jump off that cliff,
But here I am,
Soaring, flying,
Right here beside you,
Holding my own fairly well.

And even still, after years of being in awe
Of the memory of your feathers,
I am even more in awe and filled with love
For the way you fly with me.

I long to feel your hands pressed into my back,
In an embrace that goes from kissing to much more.

I long to hear your laugh,
And to bathe in the light of your smile.

I want to feel your fingers running through my hair.
Whether you're gently gripping or lulling me to sleep.

I want to be held within your arms, safe and sound from the cruelty of the past, the harsh cold of the present, and the frightening void of the future.

I want to run my fingers along your spine,
Allowing you to let down some, if not all, of your walls.

I yearn to place my lips upon yours, so we may fall into place together.

I love you so, and all I want is to show you
The extent of that love,

So you may never feel inadequate,
So you may never feel left behind.
I want to love you just enough,
And then an infinity more.

You become
Broken
After you lose the people
You thought would always be there.

There's always a part of you
That doesn't work quite right
After they leave you in shambles,
And even though you want to forgive all of them,
Sooner or later
You realize you shouldn't.

It's a fact of life,
That you become
Fiercely protective
Of people you thought you were going to lose
That you didn't.

Whether it be your mother
Who overcame all odds,
Or your brother,
Who didn't--
But is here anyway,
Because there's a reason he's here
There has to be.

Or people who wander around
Back into your life,
And you realize,
There's a reason
For him too.

But overcast days like today,
With all this rain and cold,
Remind you of the people
You couldn't will back into your life.
The people you didn't reach out to,
The person you didn't help.

And the guilt eats away at you,
Because what are you supposed to do?
If you could change it,
You would. A thousand times over.
But you can't.

Everyone says it's unfair to blame yourself,
But this year you're turning twenty two,
And well--
He isn't.

When people are ripped from your heart,
You become fiercely protective of who you have,
Because you are vividly aware
How easy it is to lose someone.

And you close your eyes,
And remember your mother's tears when she read a card
From her favorite of your cousins,
That went on to say how wonderful she is,
And how excited he is to meet you--
And then he was gone too,
Not a week later.

But you remember him,
And maybe it was the pictures and the stories,
But you remember him.
And everyone says it was just an accident,
But his words written in red stir something inside you,
Something all too familiar for it to be comfortable.

You push the lump in your throat away.

And then you think of her.
She was bright and lovely,
Full of life, full of love.
Wore lots of pink ribbons
In her cascading black hair.
She was so little, so young.
A child.
And that summer you went home,
And she needed you
And you weren't there
And you should have been there
But you weren't
And no one believes you
And no one wants to hear it
But it was all your fault,
And you can't bring yourself to deny that something is out there anymore,
Because if there's nothing out there
Then she's gone for good
And you can't cope well enough
With that.

Allow yourself
To become compassionate
Allow yourself to become
Protective
Of the people you love.
Reach out, open up.

You only have so long.

Words
cannot
describe
this lost way
I feel inside.

and I cannot
explain
the source of all
this pain.

and I feel as though
you will not try
and all these smiles I'm faking
remind me of how I feel
like breaking.

I want
you to care
but persistently nagging you
over it
just isn't fair.

I have been too often
used and
broken
to allow myself
to be ignored
to allow myself
to be walked upon.

it is so hard
to be mad at you.
but I must be strong
in the face
of my love for you.
I cannot allow it
to make me weak.

I refuse to be
walked all over
and I refuse to be
taken for granted.

My heart is easily wounded,
The skin is raw and easily torn open,
Like scar tissue, it can't callous,
It can't harden.

My heart is warm and feverish,
A fire burning constantly,
In hopes to warm whomever touches it.

And it is a beautiful burden,
To feel so greatly,
To love so deeply.

And I will bear this burden
For forever
If it means loving you
So deeply
For all of time.

Life is all about the endeavor
To say it now or never,
In order to find your forever--
Even still, however,
You won't find it here or there or whichever,
But if you don't look, your heart will dissever,
Upon anxious and angry "It's whatever."'s.
But you won't find them whatsoever
If you open your heart to just whoever,
But trust yourself, and you can find them wherever.

As though you know
I am somehow whole
and as though you know
I can stand on my own.

but my stance is shakier
and my voice is not quite steady.

both a weakness
and a strength,
my love for you is.

with you I am stronger than before,
and much more myself.

without you,
I am much more gone.

To spread reptilian wings
and fly with fire in their wake.
to blink amber eyes
and to hoard
things of knowledge and things of care.

to burst into flame
and be reborn
to be free of bonds
that destroyed them.

My birthday
Is Sunday
And i'm terrified
Something always
Goes wrong
And all i want
Is for it to go right.

My thoughts are split.

Part of me wants a normal birthday.
Flowers, dinner, a present or two.

The other part of me wants to hide under my blanket the entire day.

But what if i go the route
Of a normal day.
I'm selfish
For wanting flowers
And i'm
A glutton
For wanting dinner
And greedy
For presents.

And if i go the other way
I'm melodramatic
For thinking the day
Will be terrible,
And i am making it so
By being scared.

I lose
Either way.

I could never be colder
Than the ice in your bones
That you try so hard to disguise
With the fire in your eyes.

But there's no fear for you in my shaking hands,
But there's love for you
In my shaking knees.
But there's a brightness in my eyes,
That matches the fire you hold in yours.

And you're the light,
You're the color of the crackle of a fire.
You're colder than bone,
You're colder than what i know.
But you're warmer than snow,
And warmer than the fear I have,
The fear the I know.
You're the scent of snow,
You're the feeling of spring and summer.

I am odd
off the wall
I am not unstable,
but I am not well.

maybe paralyzing
anxiety
and fear
get the better of me.

I have a constant need for permission
for approval
and it's wrong

but I want to be your
vision in white,
but with a name like mine
I'll probably be a vision in red.

I'd rather be
the one you come home to
the one that holds your hand
through the fire and the flame.

I want to be the one that has your children
the one that is irrevocably and eternally yours
to hold
to be with
to laugh with.

I just want to be yours,
and I cannot even fathom
being anything else.

Can't think
If I think I'll think too much
Can't speak
I have nothing worthwhile to say.

Think before you speak
I've always taken that to heart
Be careful what you seek,
It may just tear you apart.

She came to me crying,
And all I wanted was to wrap my arms around her
And utterly destroy whoever it was who hurt her.

Such is the life of an empath.

She came to me crying,
And the first words off my lips were
"How can I help?"

And she told the story,
Of how she watched him no longer care
And watched him fade away,
All the love they shared.

How he went from loving her smile
To not even wanting her around,
And she tried to explain
How bad it hurt.

But darling, don't you know?
I've been there before.
I've seen the change.
The brutal dishonesty
Of meaning less than nothing,
But darling don't you know?

That isn't love.
That's selfish desires
Causing lies
That cause fires.

But it gets so much better,
Beautiful darling,
It gets so much better,
Darling girl.

For the sun will set,
But the moon also rises,
And stars shine on your skin,
As though freckled with grace.

You will be so happy,
So someday,
So really,
You will be happy
Someday,
Really.

He'll come to his senses,
And it will be too late,
Darling girl,
You did the right thing.

And I wish I could tell you,
And that you would believe me
That it will be okay
And that your smile will grow
One day
And never fade.

I know for a fact
That it gets so much better,
But you cannot hear that now.

Instead I will tell you
Drink some tea,
Take a shower,
Wash your face,
Watch a movie.

You'll feel better
After a good night's
Rest.

You get high off your perceived power over my well being,
And I'm left shaking in rage.

You whisper tones of hatred and negativity,
And I allow it to crawl under my skin
Like the parasite your words are.

"I'll never give her a wedding"

You told my little brothers about me.

And it doesn't even matter,
I don't want your ***** money,
Or to acknowledge that you hurt me.
I never should have trusted you,
I was a fool in that.
At least you gave my brothers a normal life,
But you could never take sufficient blame for what you've done.

It's not your nature.

And it's a head rush,
A blood rush,
Cold air on my skin,
The room is spinning and I'm reeling
And this is why I don't get angry anymore.

My head is spinning,
I don't want any part of you
Or to owe you at all.
You blame me for things
I never did nor intended to do,
And you refuse to tell me at all
Where your hurt roots from,
You giant child.

I don't want your ***** money,
Your witches brew,
Because I'm a witch
Just
Like
You.

I can feel the rain coming in,
But it's always been that way.
I've always been that way.
Like how a cat can feel storms approaching,
Due to the static electricity increasing beneath their fur,
I've always been able to tell when
The rain is about to come down.

Maybe it's the way my head feels heavier than usual,
Or that no sunlight comes through the blinds.
Or maybe it's that my ears ache for the thunder,
And when it does, it sends a shiver down my spine.

I hate the rain.
The way it leaves you cold
And shaking like a leaf.
I hate the thunder.
The way it drowns out all other noise.
I hate the lightning,
The way it paints everything black and white,
And strips the world of relief in its silence.

I hate the rain,
But it is a part of me.

I want to rip your heart out
I want to drop a match at your gasoline soaked feet.
I want to drink a glass of water while you burn.
I want to tie your hands to an angry bull,
And your feet to a red post.

I want to give you a metal pipe
And lock you outside during a lightning storm,
After dumping a bucket of water on your head.
And maybe leaving the bucket on your head.

I want to send your mother
A list of all the awful things you ever did
With signatures of mine and all your ex's swearing that it's honest.

I want to ignore the nightmares and
I want to douse myself in ignorance
And finally be blissfully unaware of your existence.

But I can't.

You always said I was too smart for my own good.

I fell in love with you
and the way you speak.

I am in love with you
and how you sleep.

you fell asleep beside me,
with your hand upon my ribs.
and in that hand grasps
the pink lace of my dress.

and the serenity upon
your closed eye lids
makes me
believe this is true
serendipity.

I love the way you sleep
speak
and breathe.

the rise and fall
of your chest against me.

the slight smile on your lips,
and the slight twitch
of whichever muscle.

the way your eyelashes
cast shadows across your cheeks.

and to believe
that if I were to be hurt
and you were to wake
from your moment so sweet,

all would know of the fire in your eyes.


but oh, how I love that flame.

Sometimes,
And by sometimes i mean usually,
My skin is colder
Than my heart.

And i'm cold and missing you
And it's not like you're far away,
Or won't be here for long,
But i'm tired and shaky
And freezing
And thinking
Much too much.

Close my eyes.
Try to breathe.
Squeeze them shut harder,
But there's not a color
Darker than black.

Therefore night is as
Dark as
I'm allowed to get.

Leave me breathless,
Or bleeding out,
Either way,
I took the risk,
And here we are.

And I feel like
This could be really good,
If I can just forget everything else.

I feel like
You're all I want.
This love feels like
I could survive
Off a diet
Of crisp fall air,
your love,
And the rush of sunlight.

And jealousy
Can eat away at me,
From time to time.
My sins are greed (for your time) and envy,
I'm so over wrath.

But love me please,
If you'll see it the way I'm seeing it.

I can breathe easy,
Knowing you're mine,
But this love isn't all
Sunshine and roses
(Good thing I hate roses)

It's the weight of my heart
When we're apart.
It's knowing I can bring out the best
In you,
It's knowing who I can be
And exactly who you are,
And seeing the light in your eyes,
And knowing for a fact
That the fire that lays there,
Can burn,
But trusting it enough
To know it won't dare
Lick away at my flesh
Until all that's left is dry bone.

I know that fire that burns in your eyes,
Is the source of the sunlight,
And that it's your kiss
That creates a mock-autumn breeze,
So I can breathe easily.
I know your love
Will carry me into
The only home
I've ever wanted to know.

"I know we're miles apart,
But I'm looking your way."

Nausea stirs
As my heart drops into my stomach.

My vision is clouded
By opaque yellow,
The kind of yellow that is sharp,
Like the word *****.

My knees feel weak
My chest feels tight.

I have to rub my hands together
To stop them from shaking.

Not again not again not again not again

This happens everytime.
The word drops into the forefront of my brain
Like a hydrogen bomb,
And we're just
Collateral damage.

As always,
I wish I could say I'm sorry,
But I'd need a better word than that.
Even still,
Shrapnel is shrapnel,
And I guess I have to live
With what I've done.

You'll come home tomorrow.
You'll come home tomorrow,
But really,
For how long?
I need to wrap my head around
How temporary
My hand in yours
Is.

The very least
I can do
Is send you
On your way
To the next big
Adventure
Of your life
With a piece of me.

It's just as well
That this piece of me
Will protect you
Wherever you may go.

I just have
To make my own kind of peace
With that.

And while it hurts
To be so far
It doesn't really matter,
Now does it?

Please do not ask
If I will be okay.
I do not have any other choice.

I have an accidentally permanent kind of love,
For a purposefully temporary kind of person.

Close your eyes,
And realize
Things are dangerous
From my end.

Each and every step
If not placed correctly
Will result in my shattering,
But if placed
In the order
It should
It will
Result
In maybe something better
Than before?

And I am frozen
I am cold
But I see a type of light
Within you.

You tell me
That despite the stress
Despite the annoyance
Despite what it would do
To a normal person
I am worth it.

That we will live
A long,
Happy life
Together.

And while I'm afraid to believe you
I'm also afraid not to.

For a moment,
It sounded like you were saying
No one could possibly love me
Besides you.

But after some thought,
I realize you were saying
Loving me is a great task
And I am worth
The uphill battle.
That you are up
To the challenge of caring for and understanding
Someone like me.

And maybe I'll never be
Entirely okay.

Somedays it's going to be too much.
For you and me.

Somedays I'll break and i'll shatter
And collapse into a puddle of tears
Because I live inside my head.

And I wouldn't blame you for leaving,
Somedays, I'd leave me too.

But you say you're not.
And despite winter and it's cold winds
And frozen air
And suffocation of my will to be content
I will continue forward.
I will believe you.
I will not doubt you.

But you must understand.
Somedays
I will be touchy and scared and in pain
Because of the chemicals in my brain
And because of the past and all the scars I've gained.

But as long as you can still love me,
At the end of those days,
We'll be okay.

Today the flashbacks hit me hard.
So hard I couldn't breathe.
So hard I got sick.
I don't remember what the trigger was,
It could have been a song
Or a poor turn of phrase.

Today I got home, and rewrapped my mother's wound.
Today I opened some mail for me,
All of which had to do with
An event I'm going to with my Bluebird
That I'm slowly getting more and more excited for
If not nervous.

I'm wearing the ring
Because it's makes me think of you,
Bluebird.
It's a little large.
A little extravagant,
But I can dress it down.

Today we discussed
You meeting me at my appointment on Friday.
And I'm excited.
I've gone from dread
To the excitement of seeing you
And the pain of going back to that town
Has turned into a wanting of the days to be shorter,
So we can be together sooner,
But instead I will be patient.
I will wait calmly and kindly
To fly with you.

All of the todays.
All of the tomorrows.
All of which will lead up to
My hands held in yours.

Sometimes I dream so much
That it feels like I didn't sleep at all.
And I wake up with dark circles
And bags under my eyes.

And these dreams
Rapidly develop into nightmares,
And the most recent
Was where I lost you.

It's true,
Most of my nightmares are
Flashbacks
Or about losing you.

And the weight of hatred
In your gaze
Crushed my rib cage,
And I've never felt
Anything so painful
As to the words
"I don't love you,"
No physical hurt
Could compare
To the crushing sentiment
Of being outdated.

And while I am aware
It was just a dream,
It's driving me mad,
It seems.

And he wanted me to break,
He wanted me to be broken down
And damaged.
That was the intent behind his destruction
Of me.

Here I am, then.
Broken down,
Just like he asked.

My hardest days,
Are when I back track like this.
I've come so far,
I'm so much better than I was.

But today, I'm still pretty fragile,
Because my mind has been tainted
And my heart
Is still in partial fragments.

How you love it,
I have no idea.

But I trust
That you must,
Since you've stayed,
No matter my hardest days.

You're just the air I breathe,
No big deal.
Doesn't make a difference
To me.

I'm just a nobody,
Silent as I wander the halls
Of misfortune and misery,
But every nobody needs somebody.

You're just the foundation
For everything I attached my hopes onto.
And I know it sounds insane,

But there are crows lining up
On telephone wires.
And ravens picking at the grass--
Or it would be grass,
Save for the fire.

And I can hear the beat of war drums
Beating along with the calm surrender of your heart.
And little things like to eat away
At me and my heart,
Like the fact that I'm not good enough,
Or for a little while, you'll go away.

And I know I'm still a work in progress,
I'm just incomplete
I'm just unfinished
I'm just still working on it
And you're just there,
You just know
You just understand.

And my head aches
And the rooms spins
And you're just the air I need to breathe
I'm just a nobody
But I'm gonna be somebody
To someone
Someday.

****,
I just hope it's you.

I miss you.
Waking up without you
Is almost harder than
Going to sleep
Without you.

And nightmares plague me.
More intense in number
And in insecurities.

I'm keeping it together,
But I broke a little today.
The alarm blaring in my ears yesterday,
Along with getting lost today.
Enough was enough
When I thought you left
Your work
Without calling me,
When I brought you your cellphone.

It felt like a wave
Of pressure.
I've been trying so hard to keep it
Together.
But I'm failing,
And I'm homesick.

I'm homesick for my friends.
I'm homesick for my family.
But most importantly,
I'm homesick
For the only home I've ever known.
I'm homesick for you.

And god, it hurts to admit that.
That you being away
Hurts me so bad.
That it's so hard.
I thought I could do it.
I was sure I'd be fine.

And I am.
It's just harder
Than I'd like to admit.

He yells in frustration,
Or you curse out in irritation,
And I flinch because I recall

Hard fists against my hips,
And knuckles into my abdomen,
And knees into my stomach,
And open palms against my cheek bones.

And somehow it is expected of me
To not flinch in fear
At thrown objects
Or hands coming too close, too swiftly towards my face.

I am expected not to shudder in fear
At the aggravation and aggression in someones voice
When it becomes too close for comfort.

But your hands on my shoulders,
My wrists,
My cheeks softly wiping away hot tears,
Gives me the ability to block out all this
Loud.

She says it's nothing,
Because it should be nothing,
And She says it's nothing
Because it's so small,
Just like her,
That it's almost nothing anyway.

She says things like
I'm fine
And
It's okay
Because it's easier
Than breaking her front of strength
And showing you all the raw parts of her heart.

She swallows down hiccups and sobs,
And chokes out a broken and raspy
Don't worry about it.
Because she doesn't want to worry about it.

And most of the time
When  she doesn't talk to you
And she's angry
She's not angry at you,
She's angry at herself.

Because when she's good, she's great.
She's sunshine and brighter days
And warmth and care
And quick wit
And maternal instincts
And gentle touches
And firm stances.
It's all I love you's and this is where I belong

But when she's bad,
It's a kind of darkness she doesn't even fathom.
It's Why do I even bother?
And I don't fit anywhere

And I try so hard to be the best I can be
But I'm still not good enough.

She's rainstorms that send her into panic attacks,
She's flashbacks after flashbacks.
She's itching scars and aching wrists
And being able to feel the blood in your veins.
She's cold, too cold, so cold,
With a hot temper that flares and burns
Every bridge and person she's ever cared for.

She's a bird with a broken wing,
And she can fly
But try as she might it's never right.

And when she's bad, it's do you love me do you love me  do you love me
And when she gets worse it's suddenly and harshly
How could you love me?

She become shaking hands gripping the cold counter top for dear life,
Her need for self control begging her not to make a noise,
Not to cry or scream
Not to break the mirror--
But she wants to break the mirror because she can't stand the person she sees.

But when you reel her back in,
And pull her back down from her breakdown-esque break-away-from-you,
She's fragile and shaking,
But her pieces come back together strong enough to smile,
And she is small but she is slowly,
With ever the stubborn tenacity,
Getting better,
Getting stronger,
And more understanding.

Just remember to be gentle,
And when she asks you,
With fear hindering her vocal chords,
Making her all the more soft spoken,
"Am I really so bad?"

Remind her exactly why
You see anything in her at all.

It seems
I tend to feel more
When drinking.

It seems
I tend to react more
When having been drinking.

I would much rather
Feel as I do now
Than react so
Haphazardly.

Apathy
Is my greatest
Strength.

If Only
I knew
How to use it.

Try to breathe,
Try to get oxygen to your lungs,
Try to breathe.

Slightly angry,
Slightly fed up,
Do I address it,
Or do I let it go?

I'd love to let it go,
But I'm here to try.
I'm here to be honest.

I need to know what you think,
If you find me beautiful or weak,
If you'd rather I stay
Or rather I go.
I'm sorry, I just need to know.

I'm sorry I'm cold,
I'm sorry I'm mad,
But I feel distant and
It's driving me crazy.

What am I supposed to do
When you're so far away
And I'm just here.

I feel like Ariel,
I have no voice right now,
And instead of true love's kiss bringing it back,
It's true love's acknowledgment.

I'm a beast,
And I'll remain a beast
Until the petals wilt off the rose
And I fall into dust and ashes,
Or until you acknowledge me.

I'm used to being overcast,
Kind of like a dreary
Not-quite-rainy day.

But something about you,
Awakens a sunshine in me,
And I light up like
I'm on the verge of a supernova.

And you kiss me
And you hold me
And like stardust,
My thoughts are scattered,
My mind is scattered
Across galaxies,
In hues of blushing pink,
Bruising purple,
And bright daffodil yellow.

I want you to light me up,
Like the moon turning bright red
During a lunar eclipse.
Offer me your hand,
And I'll gladly accept.

And I'm missing you,
And that fire that makes my heart
Shine so bright.
And I miss your heart,
Because in return, my fire burns for you.

I'm used to being overcast,
Kind like a dreary
Not-so-rainy day.

But something about you
Awakens a sunshine in me.

I am slowly getting better.

I am slowly becoming more sure and more certain that I am safe with you.

logically I know I am, it's convincing myself of it.

I feel like a kitten
with my belly exposed.
you could choose to rake your claws over my stomach, puncturing through to the inside,
or you could carefully lift me up beside you,
with warm pets and hushed cooing.

but with every crashing noise
and sounds that are much too familiar,
I can feel myself flinching away
and towards a feral mindset.

you have to understand,
I'm used to being attacked,
to always being on the defensive.

the fact that you're willing
to calm my storm of a soul
is astounding.
the fact that you want to,
astounds me more.

I'm used to being controlled,
made to feel bad for feeling and wanting.
I am still adjusting
to being understood.

I hope you can understand,
this is all very new to me,
being treated with kindness
and respect.

I should have you know,
I'm absolutely petrified.
Even the slightest movement,
In this mindset,
Could result in another
Scathing burn to the
Raw flesh
Of my heart.

But I should have you know
I don't give a **** anymore.
I will walk through
Ice or Fire
To see you smile,
To make you laugh.

I will sprint through fire,
Let it burn me,
I will dance through the ice,
Let it freeze me, let it numb me
I will be defiant
And I will feel.

I should have you know,
I love you with all that I am.

And I should have you know,
I know you love me,
And I know you want to stay,
So stay
So stay
So stay.

I know you're going to stay,
So just tell me
Just tell me
You'll stay.

Everyone wants to be your
Friend
When they need you.

And everyone wants to be your
Enemy
When the lies that are told
Are just enough juicy gossip
To fill that void in their heart.

And everyone wants to be part of your life
When you're about to call it quits,
And just say "**** this,"
And give up on them.

Everyone wants to get involved,
When you're ready to give up on them
Like how they gave up on you.

Understanding is fine,
But you made no obligation
To chase those
Who never intended to stay.

I'll pack up my bags,
And leave accordingly,
Off to bigger and better things
Than your mindset.

You'd be proud of me,
If you could feel pride for anyone but yourself.

I'm in love,
And I'm healthy and happy.

You know how they say
That if you pinch yourself
And it doesn't hurt
That you're dreaming?

Well I think
The same thing goes for love.
We get angry and hurt
Because we feel so deeply,
And we're so vulnerable
So it's easier for things
To scrape at the raw parts of us.

Not to say
That being angry
And being hurt
Should be common.
Just to say
Love makes people
More reactive.

I get hurt because I feel like
You don't let me in.
And I get hurt
Because sometimes it feels like
You don't care
Or don't pay attention.

And it's alright,
It's okay.
I'll be fine,
Anyway.

But I know you care,
I know you wouldn't lie to me about that.

But within my dreams
You leave me
Because I don't stir a fire in your heart,
And I don't feel like home to you.

I pray to the God you don't believe in
That all of that isn't true.

When I was broken and bleeding,
Who stitched up my wounds?
Not you,
It was not you.

When I was scared and alone,
Who held me close
And whispered of my valor?
It was not you,
No it was not you.

When I was building myself out of the darkness
When I was finding my strength
When I was beginning to feel whole
Who was there?

It was you.

And I like
To believe
That part you
Recognized the blossoming strength
In part of me
And saw it as
A hope.
A light.

But damage does not heal damage.
And while I want nothing more
Than to take the hurt away from you,
For I was not there when you
Felt small and alone and angry and scared;
I can't take that away.

And I desperately want to,
I would give my heart and soul
To take away your pain,
But I cannot heal you.

And you cannot heal me.

In one hundred days
I have come close
to thinking poorly
of myself.

but in one hundred days
I have thought of myself as good
and worthy of love.

it is one hundred days
and counting
of liking myself
and being loved,
if not by me,
then for some portion,
my Bluebird.

I cannot wait
to continue to be loved
by my Bluebird,
and to continue to like
who I am.

the counting will stop.
but I will remember
how far I've come
and I will try
to continue
to go farther.

I can't do anything.
I can't help.
I can't fix it.
I can't even be a decent friend.

We haven't spoken in months,
Seen each other in even more,
But I still care so much
I want to help so bad.

But as always,
I'm too far away
And I don't even have the right words
To fix it
Or soothe your anxious brain.

I don't have any solutions
No matter how hard
I try to pull my hair out
I cannot solve this problem
And I can't even be there
To comfort you.

I am a terrible friend.

I'm freezing cold
And nauseous
And I'm dizzy in a not-so-dizzy
Way
And I just want to be better
But I can't
I can't
I can't.

I always fail,
And within my dreams
My greatest fears come true.

But I'm still trying
To be better
If not for me
Then for you.

And you could stand
To read up on mental illness
And mental health,
And I could stand
To not be such a *****.

The room is spinning
And my throat hurts
And I'm cold
Despite the warmth of my clothes.

I wish I could explain better
How PTSD and Manic Depression
And Generalized Anxiety Disorder work,
But I can't.
I just can't.

I'll still laugh and still smile,
But depression still eats away at me,
And doubt and self destructive behaviors
Push you away
And I'm trapped inside my head
Watching something else,
The anxiety,
Take over.

And I'm screaming and crying and slamming on the bars of my prison,
But no one can hear me,
So instead the anxiety makes me push you away,
And all logic and self-preserving behaviors are thrown out the window.
I just wish I could show you
I don't mean to do what I do
It isn't my intention to hurt you,
It's my intention to hurt me,
And I don't even want to do that.

You ever here of those flowers?
Forget-me-nots.

How about just
Forget me,
Everyone else does,
Everyone else can.

It's easy.
Walk away.
See how much I ******* care.

(It's a lot. I care a lot.)

I don't look forward to a lot.
I don't have a lot going for me.
But **** it if I don't try.

I'd like to say
That you should be
******* honored
That I look forward to speaking to you,
But you shouldn't be.

What am I even worth?

I'm easy to lose.

Got running away
Running through my veins.

Just one more thing
To steer clear of.
Shouldn't be too hard.

But it is,
Because I'll run back to you
And back to you
And back to you
Until you push me away.

Don't push me away,
But how can I say that
When you don't even want to pull me in?

Love me
Forget me
Pick petals off of flowers
Because it's ******* easier
Than letting it grow into something beautiful.

Who the **** cares!
Not me.
(Yes me. Always me. Only me.)

Love me.
Leave me.
Forget me.

It's the name of the game,
Honey.
It's the name of the game,
My darling.

I could make you a list of all that's wrong here.
And even then, the fault would still be mine.

I do what I need to, in order to survive. That's my purpose. Get out and get out alive. I'm made to keep going, I'm made to persist. It's why I'm here, why I exist.

But you've given me more reason, along with the others. More reason to wait out all these grey seasons. Now don't get me wrong, I am fine on my own, but being with you is so much better, so much better than being alone.

Because there's more to life than surviving, there's a portion of living too. And one of my favorite parts of living, also happens to be loving you.

I'm trying so hard
to be the best I can be
but some days
the parts of me
I haven't learned to like
get the best of me
and I don't know how
to piece myself back together
with all my pieces still intact.

I try so hard
to be the best I can be.
just trust that even days like today
still keep me on the path steady
to being the best me
I can be.

I guess loving someone is easy,
When the laughter doesn't stop
And you're lying awake because
Of something they said
And it keeps making you laugh or smile.

But loving someone is harder
When it's 3:45 AM and you're crying on the bathroom floor,
Because the nightmares won't stop,
And neither will the flashbacks,
And everything good has come to a halt
Because you're so scared of ******* this up to.

Loving someone is hard,
No one ever said it was supposed to be easy.

Loving someone is easy,
When it's noon the next day,
And you're trying so hard to be brave
And not think about the night before.
When you're making chocolate chip cookies
And blueberry muffins,
And they're on your mind.

Loving someone is hard,
When you're mom starts talking to you
About how you have to agree with each other
That divorce just isn't the answer,
And that you'll work through anything that comes your way.
But it's hard to hear
Because you've been left behind so many times before
Because you agreed to that mindset
And no one else did.

Loving someone is easy
When they'll touch you and hold your hand and protect you.
When they promise up and down that it's different
That they mean what they're saying.
When you can see that they're telling the truth
Within their eyes and their colors.

Loving someone is hard
When all your life you struggled to love yourself.
But loving someone will never be easy,
Because then it wouldn't be
A worthwhile adventure.

For the first time,
I'm bidding farewell to Summer
With a heavy heart,
As the Autumn weather
Comes rolling in,
And I'm brimming with
Anxious excitement.

I've spent my days
Studying faces
Dreaming of far off places,
Humming under the light
Of the harvest moon.

I feel more at home
Amongst purple and black clouds
And snow drifting down from the heavens
In the middle of the night.

I feel more at home
Watching the rain fall to Earth,
And the quiet of the cold
Gracing the winds,
From my windowsill,
Than I feel in a crowd of people.

I've never been great at
Letting go of memories
Or of anything
But I can feel it slipping,
This isn't my home,
And just as Summer turns
Into Autumn,
Things have to change.

And just like I've always
Loved breathing in the crisp
Smells of Fall,
And watching the leaves change and turn
As the trees let them go
With bitter-sweet farewells,
I have to let go of who I was,
And my own leaves
That though sick and dying,
Are, in their own way,
Still beautiful
In all shades of colors
From black to red.

So for the first time
In my entire life,
I'm saying a goodbye
To what used to be,
I'm letting go
Of the pain that built me.

And for the first time
In my life,
I'm looking forward
To all that the future may hold.
Every falling leaf,
Every blizzard,
Every April shower
And May flower,
And every single
Ray of sunlight.

I was told
in May
that I am Rogue
from X-men,
and I'm desperately searching
for my Gambit.
for the hug
that Wolverine gives Rogue
without hurting.

because I hurt people
without meaning to.
it's never my intention
but people leave me
for one reason or another.

but you are Captain America,
all boy scout and morally correct
until you need to put the fear of God (or you)
in someone
or unless you need to protect someone
or only until you need to do what's right,
and then the boy scout front dissipates.

but if you're Beast Boy, I wanna be Raven.

but you're Red Robin, and I'm still Raven.

That focused look in your eyes,
And the slight furrow of your brow
Sends a spiral of butterflies
Fluttering in my stomach.

And the warmth of your hands
On my skin,
And the comfort of your arms
Around me,
Reminds me
That I am just as human
As anyone else,
And I have needs and wants
As anyone else.

And hyperventilated
Breathing
From a nightmare
Where I was bound and trapped
All too real
Because at one point it was real,
And it saddens me
That sometimes you have to see me
With fear in my eyes.

But the comfort of your breath
On my neck
And your words
In my ears,
And your eyes
Locked on me,
With your hands
On my skin or
Fingers tangled in my hair
Regulates my breathing
So that I may fall back to sleep.

Your voice is loving
And calming
And suddenly I am
Filled with warmth
Even for a moment.

I am far from perfect,
But I am beginning to think
That you are okay with that.