The year of: Realizing Things
Is over.
Within this year
We have realized everything from
Senses of self
To who we could be
To who others are.

I, personally,
Have realized that
I am worthy of the love
I keep trying to give
Everyone else.

I am worthy of love letters
And late night confessions
And tears
And laughter
And flowers.

I am worthy of honesty
And transparency
Of feelings.

I have yet to receive most of that,
But i am worth it.

The year of
Realizing things is over.

The year of being alright
Has begun.

You are my light,
My love,
My proof that humans have worth and value
And can be kind and good and honest.

You are warmth on a frozen night,
A fleeting memory that I tried so hard to hold onto
When the panic got to much.

You are a daydream
Whisking me away
From the pain of my reality
To find that the world is bright and light
And filled with love.

I love you more than forever,
I love you more than always.

You are the Bluebird of Peace,
That flew away with my heart
So long ago,
And when you finally flew it back to me,
My heart was still yours,
But your heart had become mine.

And I love so much more than forever
And so much more than always.

I love you more
Than words can say,
And all I can ask
Is that you'll stay
Stay
Stay here with me,
And I promise that I'll
Stay
Stay
Stay always with you.

I love you more than forever,
I love you more than always.

Remember that, forever and always.

I find
That your
Eyes
Leave me breathless
And I have become
Especially skilled
At gaining my composure
Without you noticing
I have lost it.

I find
That your
Smile
And hands
On my skin
Make my heart
Flutter
And my body
Shudder
With bliss.

I find
That you are
The only one
That I am okay
With slowly becoming
Myself
Around.

I find
That you are
The best thing
I can call mine.

I want to rip your throat out,
I want to bleed you dry.
I want to be comeuppance,
I want to hear your cries.

I want to rip your throat out,
I want to bleed you dry.
My favorite song is Sympathy for the Devil,
And now I remember why.

There's a false sense of superiority
As you enter the scene.
You fuel my fiery rage,
Though it be but a dream.

Your words are nails on chalkboards,
Your eyes beady and unkind.
I want to rip your throat out,
And end the spew of lies.

I may be soft and docile,
But it won't take me very long,
To rip you shred from useless shred
With my storm siren song.

So be wary of the winds,
And be wary of the tide.
Be wary of the rain and thunder,
For the elements are on my side.

My scars keep me up at night,
And what was done has left me
Afraid of visions of the past,
Implementing them now,
Into things they don't belong in.
And I know you're not that way,
You won't just walk out,
You won't leave me
So broken
So beaten
So desolated--
For you won't leave me at all.

But I have been left and used,
Left scarred and bruised,
And I'm so very scared.
But it's all for nothing--
It doesn't mean a thing.

You're here to stay,
And I know that's true.
I just hope I'm not broken to you,
And that I'm not beyond repair.

I apologize
for many things.
but I will never apologize
for how I feel
how I felt
and my attempts to be
better.

I will never
apologize
for doing what it
takes
to be
a better
me.

I don't pick up on cues
So please just tell me if you want me or not
In whichever way you might be feeling at the moment.
Because now I'm dizzy from my mood swings
And I'm gonna *****.

Break my bones,
Just not my heart!

If I could force myself awake I would,
If I could push away all the nightmares, I would.

But I can't.

And within my sleep
I find no peace
From what was done,
Or who I was.

And I can feel cool, dry air
Rushing through my pores,
And through my nerves into my bones.
As my teeth clatter and my limbs shake
I am become vividly aware
Of the smell and taste of blood
That I can't quite get rid of.

No matter how many times I brush my teeth,
Or how often I prepare baked goods,
It lingers in the back of my head,
A memory that is much too real,
Much too there.

But each time I close my eyes,
I find myself drifting in the ****** ashes
Of bridges I had to burn
To preserve whatever sanity I had left.

And the fear that our bridge may be one
That will be burned in some way, shape, or form
Brings the flashbacks to a halt,
And I wish I could say, within the dream,
That I was demanding and loud
And told you not to.

That I fought tooth and nail
For you to stay.

That I chased you down.

That I begged you not to disappear like everyone else.

I wish I could say that.

But I didn't.

No. Instead I only said,

"Break my bones, just not my heart."*

And into the darkness you receded,
Ignoring my wish,
Just like everybody else.

And then there's you.

You are colors spiraling through the air,
Magnificent and awe-inspiring and warm.

You are notes and octaves spun together to make
Music so sweet that I even think to sing--
But I don't, no, I don't.

You are Times New Roman,
Not appreciated by those who know nothing of valid script,
And yet still just as good and fawned over
As always and ever.

You are relief,
You are un-scarred flesh.
You are healing, you are love.

You are words bundled lovingly
And words scattered wildly.

You are warmth that melts my bones,
You are the love that melts me.
You are you are you are

And then there's us.

Throughout time
And space
And stardust,
There has been
A mystifying
Phenomenon
Where people lose themselves
Within their sins.

******* away
Into shards of glass and galaxies,
We are the disappearance of inhibitions,
And the birth of the notion
That love is unconditional.

Find me in the sunlight,
Find me in the starscape.
Lose me in the love of the night,
Lose me in the escape.

All that is good,
And all that is right,
Left me with moonstones for eyes,
And a missing piece of my heart.

But I've found it within you,
And I've found my light in the galaxy of your eyes.

We are of stardust,
And because of that
I only know of light,
Just remember that light can burn.

Go supernova
Within my soul,
Twilight reds
And midnight blues
Lead me back to you.

I used to wonder why my stomach churns when I hear a child cry.

I used to wonder why the videos of the children in the hospital in Aleppo make me want to curl into a ball and disappear.

I used to wonder why the sound of flesh impacting flesh makes me flinch.

I used to wonder why I can't watch or listen to horror movies that use gore for the shock-value.

why I can't watch anything gory at all.

I'd like to think it's because I'm much too compassionate.

but we all know it's because I've seen too much. Felt too much.

Do you even know
How long I waited
For you?

Picking petals off roses
"We'll see each other again; We'll never see each other again."
I don't even like roses,
But when sitting in a ****** dress,
In a pool of rose petals,
You get to thinking.

White sheets
And the smell of
Warmth and stars,
I dreamnt of you
Rescuing me,
And I would sit in class
And daydream
Of a hero.

But I had to save myself,
But I couldn't escape
Myself.

And after saving
Myself
Yet again,
I found you.

And all that wishing
And wondering
And hoping
And dreaming,
Wasn't a complete lost cause.

And now you're here,
So completely and finally,
And I have no idea what to do,
But to fly with you.

And I'm scared and skittish,
But I'll take off and soar,
Keeping the thrill of my delight
To a dull roar.

On a night where my teeth were bloodied,
I went to sleep and my dreams were
So sweet,
Because I met you there
And for some reason
I knew it was all or nothing.

I am here crying
Because it was you this whole
Time, and I bet part of

The both of us knew
that this whole while and I could
Not be happier.

Don't get me wrong,
I'm not perfect.

And if it's a sin to judge you,
Well you know my name,
Send me to a priest,
It won't do any good.

Spread dark wings,
Fly down to the depths,
Don't seek me out.

Don't send your lackeys,
I don't care anymore.

Though part of me is glad
You're happy,
Another part
Desires burning your smile,
Like the heretic you are.

But alas,
Life moves on,
And times goes on,
And we all have days we fail,
And we all have days we fly.

I hope you are happy,
Far, far, far away from me.

Because sinner or otherwise,
I am still flying smoothly.

In fact,
I'd call it soaring,
Along with someone
Who I love dearly,
And treats me better
Than you or your lackeys could fathom.

I'm cold and afraid
That maybe i'm not all i should be.

And i feel
Dejected
And alone
Because
I can't open up and tell you
Why i'm not okay.

Because i'm not okay.

You lay in bed
Melting your mind
With video games.

Video games that you use too often
As an outlet
Video games that you pay more attention to than you do me,
Even during our designated "let's actually spend time together" time.

Electronics are SOOO
Much more important.
Whether it be your phone mid-conversation with me,
Making you have to ask me to repeat myself (for the third time in five minutes) because you were distracted.
Or whether it be your video games,
That you focus so intently on,
With so much more focus than you have
EVER given me.

But interupting things is rude, right?
My asking for your full attention while you play your ******* games
Is so rude, right?

Go **** yourself.

I am not a hobby,
I am not a book,
I am not a toy.

You cannot just pick me up and put me back when you're bored with me.

I am human and I am alive and I need to be more than just a passing glance or an after thought.

These games,
They are hobbies.

You seem to be confused.

My brain doesn't work right.

Most of the time,
I feel like I'm not real.
Like I don't exist.
But more like I don't consciously exist.
It's a very faded feeling.
It's, I guess, like being a ghost.

It's like everyone else is alive.
Like they're real.
They have real live bodies.
But, in comparison, it's like I'm not physically real.
I'm just a dull flicker of consciousness that occassionally flares into a full word.

I'm sorry, but I don't know what that word is, yet.

My brain doesn't work right.

Sometimes,
I feel too much.
Even though I might only be feeling one emotion or I might only be having one thought,
I feel all of it.
I feel everything.

I've been told that it's part of my illness.

That when people have the same chemical imbalances I have,
We feel things fifty times stronger than most people's.
Our emotions cut deeper.
Things mean more to us.

I guess that's why pretty much every great sentimental artist in history was thought to have some sort of Bipolar Disorder.

I guess, people become great and wise when they have Manic Depression Disorder.

But, I guess, only after they die.

Right now, though,
I can't bring myself to feel anything at all.

I suppose it's because some intuitive, subconscious part of myself knows that I'll be feeling much more than my fair share later.

I'm cold
And I'm not feeling great,
And sometimes I wonder if you
Can see me.

But thank you for giving me
A very good day.
And thank you for being mine,
Thank you for loving me,
And thank you for being gentle and kind.

I'm not always perfect,
And I'm not quite always sane,
But I love you
And I'm glad you love me.

Though sometimes I worry,
If you see me as more beautiful,
Or more good,
Or more kind
Or if you don't.

And I'm filled with these anxieties,
That I'm not quite sure how to handle,
So I sit and I worry and I fret,
That I'm not quite the best,
No, not yet.

But thank you for seeing
Anything in me at all.
I'm not the best,
But I'm trying.

My skin is stained
with ink.
my jeans are stained
with blood.
the lace of my shirt
still yellow and bright.

I'm holding onto your sweatshirt
but I can't tell
if I'm okay.

my throat hurts
and my head is spinning.

and I don't know
if I can take
the complete and total lack
of empathy
and amount of social apathy
in this world.

but we're all here for a reason
and everything happens for a reason
and if my reason
just so happens to be
being yours

I think
I
can
live
with that.

everything happens for a reason,
and we're all here for a reason,
and if my reason
just so happens to be
being yours

I think
I can
happily live
with that.

we're all here to do a little good
and to be a little brighter
than our pasts
and I'd like to be your light
if you should
allow.

You crossed a line.

We were doing so much better.

You were doing so much better.

I was a fool.

My flesh,
Soft and pale,
Against yours,
All muscular edges
And smooth surface,

Leaves me out of breath
And hopelessly dizzy.

And when you hold me
And speak
The vibrations of your voice
In your chest
Elates me,
As I am all yours,
And you are all mine.

And hearing your laugh,
Or opinion
Makes my day.

Your hand in mine
Brings a light
Forth
On my darkest days.

I am warm as I
Drift off to sleep thinking
About it tonight.

Tears.

Confessions of a mindset.

Tears.

Relating to that mindset.

Tears.

Making it better.

More tears.

"Are you only wanting a relationship with me, or a life with me?"

"Bluebird, I want a life with you. I thought my hinting at that was fairly strong."

"I just wanted to make sure. But I want a life with you as well."

Tears.

Holy crap,
So many tears.
Do they stop?
If I talk, I'll hiccup.
I can't stop smiling.
But I'm all choked up,
And finally the tears are slowing,
And you feel bad for making me cry,
But they're good tears.

I never thought that
It would be requited.

And my head hurts,
So I'm going to go drink my tea
Or some water. Start preparing dinner.
All that jazz.

Cascading puddle of brown and red and gold
I lay in the sunlight beside you
until the clouds take the sun away.

you seem to be far away,
and that's okay.
I'm rarely here, anyway.
I tend to never let myself
be fully present
our of fear of the impermanence.

I crave your flesh against mine,
and soft loving words
and warm breaths and even warmer kisses.

but I'm honestly afraid
that I am too broken
to be of any use in that sense.

I want to feel the blood pulsing beneath the surface of your skin,
so I know you find me less of an annoyance
and more of a blessing.

but how do I know this?
honestly I don't.
you don't tell me these things,
and I have trouble knowing if I am worth anything at all.

I wonder if you know
how I love you so.

if you're aware of how I so desire
your eyes filled with fire
or the way you fill my heart so rapidly
everytime you smile or look at me.

but I wish I could explain properly
all the ways I am not okay,
like how I cannot just ask for food or things or say what I would like to do.

like how I feel guilty
when you pay for anything for me,
or how I feel bad
when I can't quite keep up with
or pay attention to your video games.

but if I could melt into the sunlight,
and guide upon the path winding,
I would if it meant your peace of mind

I have been left
in the rain
in the midsts
of my own storms

I have been diminished
demeaned
and berated.

but none of that matters
now that you are so finally mine.

we have both changed
and beyond the pain
of change
and the hurt
of growth

but beyond that

I have felt the pain
of loss
and grown used
to being left
and yet I still fear
a more permanent farewell
between you and I.

but I do not doubt
your efforts
or you.
I do doubt
my sanity
and however long
it will last
and how long
you will stick it
out.

but for now I will appreciate
the warmth
and the dry
that is here.

I am not one for goodbyes.

goodbye means going away.

and going away means forgetting.

I do not care to forget you.

that's from Peter Pan I think.

but you are no lost boy
I trust that
flying away to Wendy
or Neverland
are not options
you are looking at.

I love you
so
and I know
that we were brought together
to last.

Am I pretty enough?

Am I worthwhile enough?

Am I honest enough?

Am I aware enough?

Am I there enough?

Am I smart enough?

Do I cook enough?

Do I clean enough?

Am I talented enough?

Am I nice enough?

Am I assertive enough?

I know I'm not confident enough
But

Sobs wrack my body,
And I don't know if I'm good enough,
And I'm terrified
That you'll see me the way everyone else does
Broken and terrified
A shell of something that once was strong and human.

And my hands shake as I type
Backspace after backspace
Because I keep mistyping
And I keep needing to pause to breathe
Because I'm being too honest,
And God, it hurts.

I'm so scared
That you'll see me as this broken little shell
Not worth the time to mend,
And that's why maybe you don't see me as beautiful
Or strong
Or anything good,
And I guess this is just how I feel,
I have no idea what you think.

I want my opinions to be worthwhile
And I want to know if I ever make you smile,
And if you think I'm smart or funny,
Or if I make things easier or better,
Or if I'm just a burden you have to carry now.

Stop.
Breathe.
Wipe the tears away.
Breathe.

You were proud,
You were strong,
You are here,
You are gone.

You were warm sun piercing through grey clouds
You were a soft breeze in light of humidity
You were blades of green, green grass, not harsh enough to cut me open
But cool enough to bring me back to Earth.

You were proud,
You were strong,
You are here,
You are gone.

I'd give everything to be anything but
Temporary.

You are dedicated
You are loyal.
You are the promise of sunlight
That comes with better days.
You are the honesty that washes over me in waves.

You are proud.
You are strong.
You were here.
You were gone.

Got me sweating
got me nervous
I'm worried and a little bit
unprepared.
got me scared.

but pleasure and passion
toil inside me
and I can feel all that I am
yearning for you
pooling in the pit
of my stomach.

my neck is red with
love you gave me
and my face is red
with a blush that
you put there.

and all in all
it's been a good day
but I'm no good
at peopling
and I'm no good
at speaking my mind
over my fears and anxieties.

I love you,
and while I am sore and somewhat impassioned,
I've found that I need you,
in more ways than one.

You disappear
into a different room.

I disappear
into myself.

you disappear
and I can't reach for you.

I disappear
and you don't reach for me.

and I can hear
hushed tones.

and I can hear
the slight edge.

and you can hear
soft whimpers.

and you can hear
broken sobs.

I worry
for you

you worry
for me

this whole thing
makes me nervous.

You were a grey sky
and I was terrified of rain.
You were the churning clouds,
and I didn't have an umbrella.
You were the downpour,
and for the first time,
I was cleansed by the rain
instead of being stained.

I can't see past
The Ocean Blue,
And I can't seem
To see past
You.

I'm stuck here,
In this trap inside my head,
That tells me I'm nothing
Not good enough.

I can't remember who I was,
Who I used to be
Anytime between late 2011
And early 2016.

I'm still building myself back
From being a shell
Of something less.
But hopefully
I won't always be
Such a mess.

It won't take long
But I need to find who I am
Who I was
Again.

Every night
I dream about losing you
And when I wake
The tears don't stop.
Some nights you die,
Other nights you walk away,
And I can only think:
What have I become to you,
What have I done to you?

I know sooner or later,
You'll be going away for a little while.
But if we can get through that,
When you return,
We'll both be stronger.

But I love you,
And I need you,
And my heart hurts
So bad without you.

I told myself I'd never need anyone
Not anymore
Not again.
But just look what I've done.
Look at what I've become.

But I wouldn't have it
Any other way.
You're mine.
All of you.
I don't want you to change who you are
If it isn't from your own
Volition.

Pale skin,
Red lips,
Dark eyes,
Dark hair.

Drift in and out of nothingness,
And try to haunt my efforts to get better.

I buried that skeleton long ago,
So stay down
In the deepest depths
Of the muddiest ground.

Threats of breaking skulls,
If it is dared to pull me under.

I am not who I once was,
And I have shed memories
Like snakes shed skin.

I cringe and writhe in agony
At the person I used to be.

Blackened eyes
And reddened cheeks,
Bruised hip bones
And ****** knuckles.
I am shamed to say,
I can see
How it came to be,
This ghost of me.

But she is gone,
And I am new,
To say goodbye
To the ghost of me and
All she's been through.

Stay up here,
Right next to me.

We don't need to be
Down to Earth,
I'd rather have my head in the clouds,
Fly through the stars with me.

We can visit Orion,
And I'll tell the story wrong
About him and Artemis,
In hopes that you'll correct me enough,
That you just end up telling it,
Because I love hearing you speak.

And the gravity of situations
And circumstances
Will try to send us plummeting
Back to Earth,
But don't fret, my Bluebird.
Don't fret,
It can't get us, yet.

It won't get us yet.

Situational circumstances
And all their gravity
Will not and cannot
Bring us down,
And if we can't fall,
The only option is
Flying,
With you,
With me.
Fly with me.

"Please,"
I'll slur to you sleepily,
"Stay right up here with me,"
Just stay right up here with me,
Fly with me,

And we'll be immune,
Here and now,
To gravity.

My wrist hurts
Occasionally
From where he pushed me
And i tried to catch myself.
It has ached on and off
For three years.

My ankle twists
Occassionally
If i step on it wrong
From where he grabbed me and pulled
When i tried to run
The fourth time.

My shoulders still hunch
Into a flinching form
From people whose quick and too close movements
Were intended to hurt.

And I'm ashamed
And embarassed
But i know you get it,
But there's more that's left me
Less than before,
Than what i've told you.

Humans are foolish,
Strange creatures.
It's easy to say
That we're awfully self-obsessed,
Horribly dressed
To most occasions,
And of the
Sociopathic, apathetic
Persuasion.

But what's more difficult
Is holding ourselves
To a higher standard,
Because if we hold ourselves higher
We must act better.

And it's easy to say you're going to be better,
What's hard is being better.
Doing better.

But I am of the school of thought
That people,
Human or otherwise,
Are generally good
By nature.

Our hearts our kind,
Our souls are pure,
And it isn't until events
And the choices of others
Occur
That we become so very
Vile.

And maybe we aren't a perfect species,
But we're all we've got.

So be better.
Do better.
Despite all recent failures,
And despite all upcoming failures,
There's hope for us yet.

The rain falls down
And I'm left
Feeling as though I might drown,
In pages unkept.

And I'm frozen,
Freezing cold.
The fear keeps it all in,
Keeps the words from being told.

And if I were to play out on
Violins and piano,
I'd call the clouds on,
And sing to you all that I know.

I'd wash away the ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.
And as thunder crashes,
Desolated hearts are reborn as stardust.

In the way your eyes flicker towards mine
I have found that if I were made of rain and storms,
I would require you as my sunshine,
And even still, I would defy all norms.

If I were a rain-woman,
I would melt at your touch,
I know it isn't much,
But the sentiment, I hope, is enough.

I'm having trouble
Eating while I sit on my break at work.
I worry a little too much
Excite a little too easily.

I'm a little eccentric
My foster parents used to say
I was a walking thesaurus.

My bio mom comes to me
when she finds science articles she thinks I'd like.

I'm dangerously slow to trust,
And much too quick to love.

But I've begrudgingly given my heart away,
And yeah
Yeah
Yeah
I know.

Red flags and sirens all around
Warning this Storm Siren
that she's falling
and falling hard.

But darling no,
No don't worry.
For once I am not falling.

I am no longer just a Storm Siren.
I am a Hummingbird,
to a Bluebird.

And I'm flying.

I wonder if you know
That you make my heart flutter white,
My face flush red,
And my mouth pull into a pink grin.

I wonder if you know,
I could be yours
For eternity
And it would still not be
Enough.

I wonder if you know,
That you're the first
And the last
To make me feel
Genuinely worth it.

I hope you don't mind
My confusion at your
Kindness towards me.

I hope you don't mind
My instinctual suspicion
Of your acts of service and love.

It isn't because of you.

I wonder if you know
How much work it will take
To get me to accept
That I am worthy of your kindness
Or to get me to understand
That this isn't temporary.

I wonder if you know
That I will always try my hardest
To understand why you think
I'm worth it.

I wonder if you know,
I think all of this within a glance at you.

I do things better when I'm drunk.
I think fuzzily,
But I feel much more profoundly.

I do lots of things better
When I don't think too much,
Though.

When I giggle
When I laugh
When I'm all smiles
And nothing fazes me.

But I shouldn't have more than two drinks
When I'm with you,
Especially when you're drinking.

I barely have enough patience for your drunk-self
When I'm sober,
But when I feel this much,
For both you and I,
I can't do it.

Frankly,
You make an *** of yourself.

I'd point out why,
But I'm too buzzed for that.

I'm sure I'll forget
Come morning.

And if I gave into the darkness,
I'd find blood on my hands,
And a trail of regrets and sins
To follow home.

And if I struggled but continued to embrace
What little light I have inside me
I would feel a little stronger,
And a little brighter.

But I know that this
Darkness inside of me
Knows me all too well,
And it creeps up at the corners of my mind,
And slithers in through to my deepest
Most concerned thoughts,
And I've found I can fight it,
But only with the promise
Of your hand in mine.

Because the my light
Is too slight
Without the help
Of your bright.

And I'm afraid to say that I need
You,
But I'm even more afraid to say
That
It's so very
True.

And if I could tell you
That every light part of me
I learned from loving you,
Whether it be in that clandestine way
I had so many years ago,
Or the much more obvious type
That I display now,
I would tell you
In every way I know how.

Humans are foolish,
And cruel.
They are petty
And vapid
And monstrous.

We have come up with
Thousands of negative words
To describe ourselves,
And we have gone to great lengths
To prove it to be true.

But with good intentions
And striving to be strong
And noble,
We make mistakes
That could easily destroy us.

And in our foolishness
We are beautiful
And kind
And good.

Humans are flawed
And destructive.
But there is a balance,
And there is good
Within the few
Of us.

Your eyes are composed of
Storms and galaxies.

Your voice is constructed from
The low growl of a tiger,
And the cry of a warrior.

Your mind is a monument
Of walls upon walls upon walls,
And behind those walls
I see a glimmer of light
And love
And some darkness scattered
Here and there.

Your body is structured to resemble
Gods and stars.
Your hands find me
In between warm breaths
And laughter fills the air
In lighthearted bursts of tickling.

I could steal glances at
Your eyes and the galaxies they hold within them
For all of forever.

I could do dishes for days,
And still not be done.

I could wash your laundry,
And vacuum the carpets,
And mop the tile floors.

But this place is not a home
Unless you are here.

I could fill the air with music
And forced laughter,
But unless you are here,
This is not my home.

For my home
Is wherever your heart resides;
For my home
Is within your arms.

You are the bluebird of peace
In the springtime.
The energy filled breeze
Of summer.

You are the hope for better days,
You are what grounds me back into place,
You are the sun, the moon and the stars.
Why?
You just are.

I see constellations in your voice,
I hear birdsong within your touch.
I feel the sunlight from the fire in your eyes.
You hold the whole sky,
You are the sun, the moon, and the stars.
Why?
You just are.

You are a dazzling within the depths of your soul,
And you hold stardust within the feathers you use for flight.
You swept me off my feet time and time again.
You taught me to fly,
And though I may falter,
I'm doing better than I've ever done.

You are the sun, the moon, and the stars.
Why?
You just are.

There's a fire in your eyes,
But a calm surrender in your voice.
There's a flare in your touch,
But a wave of peace in your heart.

You hands
Grazing my skin,
And your lips
Upon mine,
Is a type of home
I've never had
And a type of hope
I've never felt.

But in this flowery depiction
Of love and all that it is,
I have to say that there is
A hold you have over me,
That reigns my madness in,
It keeps my insanity
In check.

If you are the sunlight,
Allow me to be ivy upon a wall,
Growing and crawling up to reach you,
Flourishing and blooming
All the while.

I've been labelled
A problem child
And i've been treated
As such
But can you really
Blame me?

Faux abandonment
Designed by the county and fate.
Placed into neglect and unforgiving
Expectations
All the while
Getting the will-to-go-on
Ripped out of me
Punch by kick by disgusting and unwanted ****** of hips.

Throw in some
Toxic people and bad life choices
And i'm the biggest problem
You've got.

No wonder no one
Wants me.

I couldn't stay asleep
Last night.
So when I felt your arms
Around my waist,
I have to admit,
It still comes as a shock.

I've spent years
Trying to deny
Trying to pretend
That I could love someone
Other than you,
Because it certainly seemed
Like I would never come back.

When you have nothing,
You make due with what you have.

Maybe it's cruel
That I was just making due,
Maybe it's cruel
That I used them
To replace you.
Rest assured, though.
I never loved anyone
The way I love you.

And maybe I'm a fool,
But I like the saying

"Light your past on fire,
And move on."*

Meaning burned bridges
Should stay ashes.

Thankfully our bridge never burned.
It just got left,
So that the woods surrounding
Either end
Might have gotten the chance to grow and flourish
Into one singular forest.

So as I lay,
Exhausted from insomnia and this cold,
I watch our trees grow so tall,
And I breathe in all the fog
And the smell of the leaves
And take in the chirping songs of the birds,
Eyeing hummingbirds and bluebirds.

So as I lay,
I surrender my anxious anticipation
For the other shoe to drop, so they say,
And find comfort, in this.
And find comfort, in us.

Strange things did happen here,
No stranger would it be:

Do you hear
The caw of the crow?
As ash falls
Like the never-coming snow.

Hush the little angels,
With a mockingbird that sings.
Promise them companionship,
And red-studded rings.

Listen as the raven-bird
Mocks you, nevermore, nevermore.
Bring forth the sunlight,
And stay forevermore, forevermore.

Strange things did happen here,
So no stranger would it be:
If we met below the harvest moon,
And read a spell in three's.

Breathe in.
Breath out.
What's this
Anxiety attack
About?

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Love me
Or leave me,
I'm still me
Either way
You put it.

I miss your smile,
I miss your laugh,
I miss the way
You hold my hand.

I miss the way
You hold me.
Maybe I'm blinded
By how much I love you,
But I miss you going on about
Something you're passionate about.

And I miss watching the faces you make
When you play video games,
And I miss naming animals with you
And discussing all ten dogs we'll have.

And I want you to tell me all about
The house you want to build in the mountains.

I want your hands to wipe away my tears,
And I want you to make me laugh,
And I want to talk about stupid stuff
Until we fall asleep.
I miss you,

And if you miss me--
Well I guess I'll have to
Wait and see.

I never had an urge to dance
Before.

I took ballet classes
As a child,
And after that
I never found myself
Fond of dancing.

And even later on,
There were more reasons as to why it scared me.

But for you,
I will offer you a dance
Under the stars
As often
As you would agree
To one.