Tears.

Confessions of a mindset.

Tears.

Relating to that mindset.

Tears.

Making it better.

More tears.

"Are you only wanting a relationship with me, or a life with me?"

"Bluebird, I want a life with you. I thought my hinting at that was fairly strong."

"I just wanted to make sure. But I want a life with you as well."

Tears.

Holy crap,
So many tears.
Do they stop?
If I talk, I'll hiccup.
I can't stop smiling.
But I'm all choked up,
And finally the tears are slowing,
And you feel bad for making me cry,
But they're good tears.

I never thought that
It would be requited.

And my head hurts,
So I'm going to go drink my tea
Or some water. Start preparing dinner.
All that jazz.

You lay in bed
Melting your mind
With video games.

Video games that you use too often
As an outlet
Video games that you pay more attention to than you do me,
Even during our designated "let's actually spend time together" time.

Electronics are SOOO
Much more important.
Whether it be your phone mid-conversation with me,
Making you have to ask me to repeat myself (for the third time in five minutes) because you were distracted.
Or whether it be your video games,
That you focus so intently on,
With so much more focus than you have
EVER given me.

But interupting things is rude, right?
My asking for your full attention while you play your ******* games
Is so rude, right?

Go **** yourself.

I am not a hobby,
I am not a book,
I am not a toy.

You cannot just pick me up and put me back when you're bored with me.

I am human and I am alive and I need to be more than just a passing glance or an after thought.

These games,
They are hobbies.

You seem to be confused.

The year of: Realizing Things
Is over.
Within this year
We have realized everything from
Senses of self
To who we could be
To who others are.

I, personally,
Have realized that
I am worthy of the love
I keep trying to give
Everyone else.

I am worthy of love letters
And late night confessions
And tears
And laughter
And flowers.

I am worthy of honesty
And transparency
Of feelings.

I have yet to receive most of that,
But i am worth it.

The year of
Realizing things is over.

The year of being alright
Has begun.

So technically
You're four hundred miles,
Give or take forty three,
Away from me,
But the distance doesn't feel so large or wide,
When I think of your smile
Or your voice
Or the things you say
Or the way you laugh.

We share the same sky,
And as someone who believes in fate,
I believe in the phrase
"One sky,
"One destiny."

I remember looking up at the stars
From my window one night
And I guess I thought,
"If we're under the same sky,
We can't be that far away."

And as the sky clears up
And I close my eyes and try
I can still feel your fingers
Laced between mine.

My wrist hurts
Occasionally
From where he pushed me
And i tried to catch myself.
It has ached on and off
For three years.

My ankle twists
Occassionally
If i step on it wrong
From where he grabbed me and pulled
When i tried to run
The fourth time.

My shoulders still hunch
Into a flinching form
From people whose quick and too close movements
Were intended to hurt.

And I'm ashamed
And embarassed
But i know you get it,
But there's more that's left me
Less than before,
Than what i've told you.

I can't see past
The Ocean Blue,
And I can't seem
To see past
You.

I'm stuck here,
In this trap inside my head,
That tells me I'm nothing
Not good enough.

I can't remember who I was,
Who I used to be
Anytime between late 2011
And early 2016.

I'm still building myself back
From being a shell
Of something less.
But hopefully
I won't always be
Such a mess.

It won't take long
But I need to find who I am
Who I was
Again.

Lots of tears
Lots of panic
Lots of being
Wary. But!
I refuse to let one
Or two bad experiences
Make me miss out on
A life with you because
I love you. I just do.

Your laugh, your smile,
Everything.

I can't think of something I don't
Just love.

My ease when it comes to speaking to you
No forethought,
No pressure of judgment
It's like being able to breathe
Cold fall air
After muggy summer swamp air
For three months straight.

But then you said it back.
Wait, back up.
You said it back.

And you've said it to me at least
Five times today and it's only
6:55 PM (as I wrote out the rough draft to this)

And we can still speak
About everything from life to games
To geekery to the most lovely aspects of life and
I've been pretty happy at the most
For awhile,
But I'm flying.

I'm flying with you,
Bluebird.

I forfeited
the right to my heart
the moment
I went in for a hug.

I forfeited
the right
to my heart
the moment
I decided
this was it.

mistake or otherwise,
everything I do is the same.
grand and full of intention.

I never had an urge to dance
Before.

I took ballet classes
As a child,
And after that
I never found myself
Fond of dancing.

And even later on,
There were more reasons as to why it scared me.

But for you,
I will offer you a dance
Under the stars
As often
As you would agree
To one.

Throughout time
And space
And stardust,
There has been
A mystifying
Phenomenon
Where people lose themselves
Within their sins.

******* away
Into shards of glass and galaxies,
We are the disappearance of inhibitions,
And the birth of the notion
That love is unconditional.

Find me in the sunlight,
Find me in the starscape.
Lose me in the love of the night,
Lose me in the escape.

All that is good,
And all that is right,
Left me with moonstones for eyes,
And a missing piece of my heart.

But I've found it within you,
And I've found my light in the galaxy of your eyes.

We are of stardust,
And because of that
I only know of light,
Just remember that light can burn.

Go supernova
Within my soul,
Twilight reds
And midnight blues
Lead me back to you.

They'll still paint you black,
When you used to be golden.
So take a breath,
And live in the moment.

Their words are water,
Breaking down your levee.
And with each ugly phrase,
The pressure gets more heavy.

And I know you're feeling
Sick to your stomach.
But this is the truth,
So please don't run from it.

We'll laugh and we'll cry,
We'll love and we'll fight.
The words won't matter,
It's if we live them through life.

The way they left,
It's alright, it's alright.
I know you hate them,
But you know that I'm right.

People tend to be
Cruel and inconsistent.
But my love for you is steady,
And you know that is different.

And I know you're feeling
Sick to your stomach.
But this is the truth,
So please don't run from it.

We'll laugh and we'll cry,
We'll love and we'll fight.
The words won't matter,
It's if we live them through life.

There's lots of things
I have left to say,
But I'll fold them up
And put them away.

So patch up your levee,
And get the doubt from your brain,
We'll burn it up and
Wash the ashes in the rain.

And I know you're feeling
Sick to your stomach.
But this is the truth,
So please don't run from it.

We'll laugh and we'll cry,
We'll love and we'll fight.
The words won't matter,
It's if we live them through life.

I am not
Perfect.
I am an
Extraordinarily
Flawed human.

I cry a lot.
I laugh a lot.
I yell a lot.

I am quiet when i should not be.
I am loud at the wrong times.

I smile when i'm uncomfortable.
I cannot cry when others are crying.

But i am full of love
And full of empathy,
Sometimes too much.

I am whole, in a different way.

You have taught me that nothing is irreparably broken.
I have learned that i am greater
Than just the sum of my parts.

Please heed your own words,
As mine seem to fail to reach you.

Sometimes the light is hard to see
Behind the fog of my instinctual self-hatred,
And sometimes the light is hard to find
Behind the fog that is my mind,

But you seem to be able
To crawl and wriggle your way through
The cracks in my defenses,
Piercing the the core of the walls,
And finding a way to my heart.

And you hold a light within your palms,
And a fire in your eyes,
And I don't know where it comes from,
Yet.

But I'm willing to put forth the effort
To find out.

And I wonder if the light
Held within your palms
Is enough to warm me up and heal me
In all the ways that time hasn't been able to.

And I'm scared and I'm nervous,
You could so easily break me.

But I'm trusting
That you won't.

And when I look at the colors
That spiral and cascade around you
I wonder if you understand
I see everything you think and feel
In a lack of detail
So that I know it's there,
But I have no idea what it means.

So when you hurt,
It feels like a thousand burning knives
Piercing through my ribs and the flesh of my heart.

And I wish I could bottle
The fire in your eyes
So that way when you're far away
I have some part of you to keep me warm.

I'll just have to trust
That your promises are sound,
And that the light within your palms
Will always somehow find me
In the darkest depths
I tend to swim.

Nothing is scarier
Than living, breathing people.

I've never had nightmares about corpses,
Because I've never seen one.
All funerals I've been to
Have been the closed-casket kind.

It's a morbid thought
That makes me uneasy.

The scariest monsters
That do the most harm
Are living and breathing.

We only fear the unknown
Because it is unknown to us.
I have no fear for what is already dead.
I seek to bring them peace,
And nothing else.

I am afraid of humans,
The living and breathing kind,
That float around your subconscious at night,
Reminding you how terrible you are.

I am afraid of humans
Because they are dishonest.

Animals are better.
When an animal doesn't like you,
It tries to bite your arm off.
Humans pretend to like you first.

In my dreams
I'm haunted by my mistakes
And what I have done
Or what has been done to me.

I am haunted by your voice,
Coming to me and telling me
That you worry and you're scared.
And it confuses me,
Because I know you know
That's not how I work.

I am haunted by vivid memories
Of storms and shades of vicious purple and grey.

I am haunted by gore
And people being burned.
Things I have no reason
To feel as though they are real.

And yet even in my dreams
I can feel the aching and stinging
Heat of the flames.

I'm cold and afraid
That maybe i'm not all i should be.

And i feel
Dejected
And alone
Because
I can't open up and tell you
Why i'm not okay.

Because i'm not okay.

I don't pick up on cues
So please just tell me if you want me or not
In whichever way you might be feeling at the moment.
Because now I'm dizzy from my mood swings
And I'm gonna *****.

My skin is stained
with ink.
my jeans are stained
with blood.
the lace of my shirt
still yellow and bright.

I'm holding onto your sweatshirt
but I can't tell
if I'm okay.

my throat hurts
and my head is spinning.

and I don't know
if I can take
the complete and total lack
of empathy
and amount of social apathy
in this world.

but we're all here for a reason
and everything happens for a reason
and if my reason
just so happens to be
being yours

I think
I
can
live
with that.

everything happens for a reason,
and we're all here for a reason,
and if my reason
just so happens to be
being yours

I think
I can
happily live
with that.

we're all here to do a little good
and to be a little brighter
than our pasts
and I'd like to be your light
if you should
allow.

I could never be colder
Than the ice in your bones
That you try so hard to disguise
With the fire in your eyes.

But there's no fear for you in my shaking hands,
But there's love for you
In my shaking knees.
But there's a brightness in my eyes,
That matches the fire you hold in yours.

And you're the light,
You're the color of the crackle of a fire.
You're colder than bone,
You're colder than what i know.
But you're warmer than snow,
And warmer than the fear I have,
The fear the I know.
You're the scent of snow,
You're the feeling of spring and summer.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Heavenly bodies,
Give me purpose tonight.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Shining stars,
Give me strength tonight.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
What's the point
Of staying up tonight?

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Please understand,
My tears are not a slight
At you.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Heavenly bodies
Do not compare to the sight
Of you.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
I may be hurt,
But angry? Not quite.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Close my eyes,
Wishing to be with you tonight.

I don't know how long forever is,
I'm not saying I do.
I guess you can't measure time
In such a heartfelt way.

But I do know this,
I'm real glad I didn't die
Before I told you I love you.
And maybe that's a little morbid,
A little strange to say,
But it's true.
I'm glad I failed
When I tried.

And I'm curious if you know,
Every day I'm with you
Is the first day
To the rest of my life.

And I guess I just didn't know,
How every part of you is my home
Until a month ago.

I'd love to travel the world,
But I wouldn't want to
If I wasn't by your side.
What's the point in seeing
All the sights
If I can't love you,
Right?

And I want to share it all
With you.

I don't know
How long forever is,
But I sure do know
I want to spend it all
With you.

I'm real glad
I'm alive,
It's easier to love you
With a heartbeat.

My scars keep me up at night,
And what was done has left me
Afraid of visions of the past,
Implementing them now,
Into things they don't belong in.
And I know you're not that way,
You won't just walk out,
You won't leave me
So broken
So beaten
So desolated--
For you won't leave me at all.

But I have been left and used,
Left scarred and bruised,
And I'm so very scared.
But it's all for nothing--
It doesn't mean a thing.

You're here to stay,
And I know that's true.
I just hope I'm not broken to you,
And that I'm not beyond repair.

I wonder
if you can see me
the way I see you.

I wonder if you see
all the shaking in my features
when I feign confidence
when speaking about myself.

I wonder if you hear
the honesty in my voice
when I  feel raw
and unlovable.

I wonder if you can feel
the joy and adamant passion
on my skin
when you touch me.

I wonder if you can smell
the fear in my breathing,
when I try so hard to fake being strong,
and all I do is hesitate.

I wonder if you can taste
the satisfaction and pride on my lips
when I make you smile.

I wonder if you see me
the way I see you.

i see colors and i see
all of your heart
and none of it
all at once.

i see within your eyes,
and i feel fire
but smell snow.

i wonder if,
if you were to look with your heart,
if maybe you could see me rightly.

You are my light,
My love,
My proof that humans have worth and value
And can be kind and good and honest.

You are warmth on a frozen night,
A fleeting memory that I tried so hard to hold onto
When the panic got to much.

You are a daydream
Whisking me away
From the pain of my reality
To find that the world is bright and light
And filled with love.

I love you more than forever,
I love you more than always.

You are the Bluebird of Peace,
That flew away with my heart
So long ago,
And when you finally flew it back to me,
My heart was still yours,
But your heart had become mine.

And I love so much more than forever
And so much more than always.

I love you more
Than words can say,
And all I can ask
Is that you'll stay
Stay
Stay here with me,
And I promise that I'll
Stay
Stay
Stay always with you.

I love you more than forever,
I love you more than always.

Remember that, forever and always.

Got me sweating
got me nervous
I'm worried and a little bit
unprepared.
got me scared.

but pleasure and passion
toil inside me
and I can feel all that I am
yearning for you
pooling in the pit
of my stomach.

my neck is red with
love you gave me
and my face is red
with a blush that
you put there.

and all in all
it's been a good day
but I'm no good
at peopling
and I'm no good
at speaking my mind
over my fears and anxieties.

I love you,
and while I am sore and somewhat impassioned,
I've found that I need you,
in more ways than one.

I used to wonder why my stomach churns when I hear a child cry.

I used to wonder why the videos of the children in the hospital in Aleppo make me want to curl into a ball and disappear.

I used to wonder why the sound of flesh impacting flesh makes me flinch.

I used to wonder why I can't watch or listen to horror movies that use gore for the shock-value.

why I can't watch anything gory at all.

I'd like to think it's because I'm much too compassionate.

but we all know it's because I've seen too much. Felt too much.

Cascading puddle of brown and red and gold
I lay in the sunlight beside you
until the clouds take the sun away.

you seem to be far away,
and that's okay.
I'm rarely here, anyway.
I tend to never let myself
be fully present
our of fear of the impermanence.

I crave your flesh against mine,
and soft loving words
and warm breaths and even warmer kisses.

but I'm honestly afraid
that I am too broken
to be of any use in that sense.

I want to feel the blood pulsing beneath the surface of your skin,
so I know you find me less of an annoyance
and more of a blessing.

but how do I know this?
honestly I don't.
you don't tell me these things,
and I have trouble knowing if I am worth anything at all.

I wonder if you know
how I love you so.

if you're aware of how I so desire
your eyes filled with fire
or the way you fill my heart so rapidly
everytime you smile or look at me.

but I wish I could explain properly
all the ways I am not okay,
like how I cannot just ask for food or things or say what I would like to do.

like how I feel guilty
when you pay for anything for me,
or how I feel bad
when I can't quite keep up with
or pay attention to your video games.

but if I could melt into the sunlight,
and guide upon the path winding,
I would if it meant your peace of mind

Pale skin,
Red lips,
Dark eyes,
Dark hair.

Drift in and out of nothingness,
And try to haunt my efforts to get better.

I buried that skeleton long ago,
So stay down
In the deepest depths
Of the muddiest ground.

Threats of breaking skulls,
If it is dared to pull me under.

I am not who I once was,
And I have shed memories
Like snakes shed skin.

I cringe and writhe in agony
At the person I used to be.

Blackened eyes
And reddened cheeks,
Bruised hip bones
And ****** knuckles.
I am shamed to say,
I can see
How it came to be,
This ghost of me.

But she is gone,
And I am new,
To say goodbye
To the ghost of me and
All she's been through.

I want to rip your throat out,
I want to bleed you dry.
I want to be comeuppance,
I want to hear your cries.

I want to rip your throat out,
I want to bleed you dry.
My favorite song is Sympathy for the Devil,
And now I remember why.

There's a false sense of superiority
As you enter the scene.
You fuel my fiery rage,
Though it be but a dream.

Your words are nails on chalkboards,
Your eyes beady and unkind.
I want to rip your throat out,
And end the spew of lies.

I may be soft and docile,
But it won't take me very long,
To rip you shred from useless shred
With my storm siren song.

So be wary of the winds,
And be wary of the tide.
Be wary of the rain and thunder,
For the elements are on my side.

As though you know
I am somehow whole
and as though you know
I can stand on my own.

but my stance is shakier
and my voice is not quite steady.

both a weakness
and a strength,
my love for you is.

with you I am stronger than before,
and much more myself.

without you,
I am much more gone.

I'd rather be afraid
Of what I'm afraid of
And not myself.

I'd rather fear
The weather and rain
And the thunder and the lightning,
Than fear something about myself
That I cannot fix.

But I'm labelled
Mentally ill
I'm labelled
A psychopath
I'm told I'm not well,

But this is the best I've been in years.

And I'm so afraid
I'm not the best I can be
But I'm getting better
In the only ways I know how.

Working harder at coping skills,
Falling asleep when I don't want to,
Waking up in general,
Wearing presentable clothes.

I'll be up-ing my medication
On Friday,
Because I need to be better,
I need to be stronger.

I need to be the very best
I can possibly be
For you,
For us,
For our future.

And I'm so afraid of the rain,
But I'd rather be afraid of the rain
Than afraid of myself.

Don't get me wrong,
I'm not perfect.

And if it's a sin to judge you,
Well you know my name,
Send me to a priest,
It won't do any good.

Spread dark wings,
Fly down to the depths,
Don't seek me out.

Don't send your lackeys,
I don't care anymore.

Though part of me is glad
You're happy,
Another part
Desires burning your smile,
Like the heretic you are.

But alas,
Life moves on,
And times goes on,
And we all have days we fail,
And we all have days we fly.

I hope you are happy,
Far, far, far away from me.

Because sinner or otherwise,
I am still flying smoothly.

In fact,
I'd call it soaring,
Along with someone
Who I love dearly,
And treats me better
Than you or your lackeys could fathom.

I find
That your
Eyes
Leave me breathless
And I have become
Especially skilled
At gaining my composure
Without you noticing
I have lost it.

I find
That your
Smile
And hands
On my skin
Make my heart
Flutter
And my body
Shudder
With bliss.

I find
That you are
The only one
That I am okay
With slowly becoming
Myself
Around.

I find
That you are
The best thing
I can call mine.

Every night
I dream about losing you
And when I wake
The tears don't stop.
Some nights you die,
Other nights you walk away,
And I can only think:
What have I become to you,
What have I done to you?

I know sooner or later,
You'll be going away for a little while.
But if we can get through that,
When you return,
We'll both be stronger.

But I love you,
And I need you,
And my heart hurts
So bad without you.

I told myself I'd never need anyone
Not anymore
Not again.
But just look what I've done.
Look at what I've become.

But I wouldn't have it
Any other way.
You're mine.
All of you.
I don't want you to change who you are
If it isn't from your own
Volition.

You're just the air I breathe,
No big deal.
Doesn't make a difference
To me.

I'm just a nobody,
Silent as I wander the halls
Of misfortune and misery,
But every nobody needs somebody.

You're just the foundation
For everything I attached my hopes onto.
And I know it sounds insane,

But there are crows lining up
On telephone wires.
And ravens picking at the grass--
Or it would be grass,
Save for the fire.

And I can hear the beat of war drums
Beating along with the calm surrender of your heart.
And little things like to eat away
At me and my heart,
Like the fact that I'm not good enough,
Or for a little while, you'll go away.

And I know I'm still a work in progress,
I'm just incomplete
I'm just unfinished
I'm just still working on it
And you're just there,
You just know
You just understand.

And my head aches
And the rooms spins
And you're just the air I need to breathe
I'm just a nobody
But I'm gonna be somebody
To someone
Someday.

****,
I just hope it's you.

I'm cold
And I'm not feeling great,
And sometimes I wonder if you
Can see me.

But thank you for giving me
A very good day.
And thank you for being mine,
Thank you for loving me,
And thank you for being gentle and kind.

I'm not always perfect,
And I'm not quite always sane,
But I love you
And I'm glad you love me.

Though sometimes I worry,
If you see me as more beautiful,
Or more good,
Or more kind
Or if you don't.

And I'm filled with these anxieties,
That I'm not quite sure how to handle,
So I sit and I worry and I fret,
That I'm not quite the best,
No, not yet.

But thank you for seeing
Anything in me at all.
I'm not the best,
But I'm trying.

That focused look in your eyes,
And the slight furrow of your brow
Sends a spiral of butterflies
Fluttering in my stomach.

And the warmth of your hands
On my skin,
And the comfort of your arms
Around me,
Reminds me
That I am just as human
As anyone else,
And I have needs and wants
As anyone else.

And hyperventilated
Breathing
From a nightmare
Where I was bound and trapped
All too real
Because at one point it was real,
And it saddens me
That sometimes you have to see me
With fear in my eyes.

But the comfort of your breath
On my neck
And your words
In my ears,
And your eyes
Locked on me,
With your hands
On my skin or
Fingers tangled in my hair
Regulates my breathing
So that I may fall back to sleep.

Your voice is loving
And calming
And suddenly I am
Filled with warmth
Even for a moment.

I am far from perfect,
But I am beginning to think
That you are okay with that.

I am slowly getting better.

I am slowly becoming more sure and more certain that I am safe with you.

logically I know I am, it's convincing myself of it.

I feel like a kitten
with my belly exposed.
you could choose to rake your claws over my stomach, puncturing through to the inside,
or you could carefully lift me up beside you,
with warm pets and hushed cooing.

but with every crashing noise
and sounds that are much too familiar,
I can feel myself flinching away
and towards a feral mindset.

you have to understand,
I'm used to being attacked,
to always being on the defensive.

the fact that you're willing
to calm my storm of a soul
is astounding.
the fact that you want to,
astounds me more.

I'm used to being controlled,
made to feel bad for feeling and wanting.
I am still adjusting
to being understood.

I hope you can understand,
this is all very new to me,
being treated with kindness
and respect.

I am here crying
Because it was you this whole
Time, and I bet part of

The both of us knew
that this whole while and I could
Not be happier.

Am I pretty enough?

Am I worthwhile enough?

Am I honest enough?

Am I aware enough?

Am I there enough?

Am I smart enough?

Do I cook enough?

Do I clean enough?

Am I talented enough?

Am I nice enough?

Am I assertive enough?

I know I'm not confident enough
But

Sobs wrack my body,
And I don't know if I'm good enough,
And I'm terrified
That you'll see me the way everyone else does
Broken and terrified
A shell of something that once was strong and human.

And my hands shake as I type
Backspace after backspace
Because I keep mistyping
And I keep needing to pause to breathe
Because I'm being too honest,
And God, it hurts.

I'm so scared
That you'll see me as this broken little shell
Not worth the time to mend,
And that's why maybe you don't see me as beautiful
Or strong
Or anything good,
And I guess this is just how I feel,
I have no idea what you think.

I want my opinions to be worthwhile
And I want to know if I ever make you smile,
And if you think I'm smart or funny,
Or if I make things easier or better,
Or if I'm just a burden you have to carry now.

Stop.
Breathe.
Wipe the tears away.
Breathe.

You were proud,
You were strong,
You are here,
You are gone.

You were warm sun piercing through grey clouds
You were a soft breeze in light of humidity
You were blades of green, green grass, not harsh enough to cut me open
But cool enough to bring me back to Earth.

You were proud,
You were strong,
You are here,
You are gone.

I'd give everything to be anything but
Temporary.

You are dedicated
You are loyal.
You are the promise of sunlight
That comes with better days.
You are the honesty that washes over me in waves.

You are proud.
You are strong.
You were here.
You were gone.

I should have you know,
I'm absolutely petrified.
Even the slightest movement,
In this mindset,
Could result in another
Scathing burn to the
Raw flesh
Of my heart.

But I should have you know
I don't give a **** anymore.
I will walk through
Ice or Fire
To see you smile,
To make you laugh.

I will sprint through fire,
Let it burn me,
I will dance through the ice,
Let it freeze me, let it numb me
I will be defiant
And I will feel.

I should have you know,
I love you with all that I am.

And I should have you know,
I know you love me,
And I know you want to stay,
So stay
So stay
So stay.

I know you're going to stay,
So just tell me
Just tell me
You'll stay.

You disappear
into a different room.

I disappear
into myself.

you disappear
and I can't reach for you.

I disappear
and you don't reach for me.

and I can hear
hushed tones.

and I can hear
the slight edge.

and you can hear
soft whimpers.

and you can hear
broken sobs.

I worry
for you

you worry
for me

this whole thing
makes me nervous.

I wonder if you know
That you make my heart flutter white,
My face flush red,
And my mouth pull into a pink grin.

I wonder if you know,
I could be yours
For eternity
And it would still not be
Enough.

I wonder if you know,
That you're the first
And the last
To make me feel
Genuinely worth it.

I hope you don't mind
My confusion at your
Kindness towards me.

I hope you don't mind
My instinctual suspicion
Of your acts of service and love.

It isn't because of you.

I wonder if you know
How much work it will take
To get me to accept
That I am worthy of your kindness
Or to get me to understand
That this isn't temporary.

I wonder if you know
That I will always try my hardest
To understand why you think
I'm worth it.

I wonder if you know,
I think all of this within a glance at you.

My birthday
Is Sunday
And i'm terrified
Something always
Goes wrong
And all i want
Is for it to go right.

My thoughts are split.

Part of me wants a normal birthday.
Flowers, dinner, a present or two.

The other part of me wants to hide under my blanket the entire day.

But what if i go the route
Of a normal day.
I'm selfish
For wanting flowers
And i'm
A glutton
For wanting dinner
And greedy
For presents.

And if i go the other way
I'm melodramatic
For thinking the day
Will be terrible,
And i am making it so
By being scared.

I lose
Either way.

I can't do anything.
I can't help.
I can't fix it.
I can't even be a decent friend.

We haven't spoken in months,
Seen each other in even more,
But I still care so much
I want to help so bad.

But as always,
I'm too far away
And I don't even have the right words
To fix it
Or soothe your anxious brain.

I don't have any solutions
No matter how hard
I try to pull my hair out
I cannot solve this problem
And I can't even be there
To comfort you.

I am a terrible friend.

Humans are foolish,
Strange creatures.
It's easy to say
That we're awfully self-obsessed,
Horribly dressed
To most occasions,
And of the
Sociopathic, apathetic
Persuasion.

But what's more difficult
Is holding ourselves
To a higher standard,
Because if we hold ourselves higher
We must act better.

And it's easy to say you're going to be better,
What's hard is being better.
Doing better.

But I am of the school of thought
That people,
Human or otherwise,
Are generally good
By nature.

Our hearts our kind,
Our souls are pure,
And it isn't until events
And the choices of others
Occur
That we become so very
Vile.

And maybe we aren't a perfect species,
But we're all we've got.

So be better.
Do better.
Despite all recent failures,
And despite all upcoming failures,
There's hope for us yet.

Life is all about the endeavor
To say it now or never,
In order to find your forever--
Even still, however,
You won't find it here or there or whichever,
But if you don't look, your heart will dissever,
Upon anxious and angry "It's whatever."'s.
But you won't find them whatsoever
If you open your heart to just whoever,
But trust yourself, and you can find them wherever.

You are the bluebird of peace
In the springtime.
The energy filled breeze
Of summer.

You are the hope for better days,
You are what grounds me back into place,
You are the sun, the moon and the stars.
Why?
You just are.

I see constellations in your voice,
I hear birdsong within your touch.
I feel the sunlight from the fire in your eyes.
You hold the whole sky,
You are the sun, the moon, and the stars.
Why?
You just are.

You are a dazzling within the depths of your soul,
And you hold stardust within the feathers you use for flight.
You swept me off my feet time and time again.
You taught me to fly,
And though I may falter,
I'm doing better than I've ever done.

You are the sun, the moon, and the stars.
Why?
You just are.

And every time I blink
My right eye aches a little.

I think it's because it doesn't want to shut,
As it,
Just like I,
Can't get enough of you.